"Roxanne" (1987)

Roxanne is a romantic comedy based (rather faithfully) on Cyrano de Bergerac, down to the famous nose insult scene. Tennis rackets have replaced epees for dueling, and Steve Martin (as CD Bales) is the town fire chief. In this brilliant adaptation of a classic play, Martin is given lots of room for both physical humor and clever dialogue. For those not familiar with Cyrano, he is nearly the ideal man -- sensitive, intelligent, whity and Romantic, but has an immense nose that he is very sensitive about. He falls in love with Roxanne, but thinks he has no chance with her due to his appearance. He helps her attractive (with no other redeeming qualities) suitor to try and woo her.

Roxanne is played by Daryl Hannah, and is an intelligent astronomy graduate student. Playing a woman with brains is a little unusual for Hannah, but the pulls it off fairly well. Near the beginning, Hannah is letting her cat in, gets her robe caught in the balcony door which has closed and locked behind her, and ends up nude. She has to go to the fire house for help. Martin returns with her, gets into the house, and they share a light late-night snack. The actual nudity is all long shots partly obscured by set, but she has some good pokies in her robe while eating with Martin.

Roxanne was adapted for the screen by Steve Martin, and the main character was written for himself. I adore this film for several reasons. It follows the original 1890 play more closely than I would have thought possible in a modern setting, with the exception of the ending, and Martin is brilliant here. The small Colorado town is an attractive backdrop to the story, and the Martin character is believable. Martin won three minor Best Actor awards, and was nominated for a Golden Globe.


Daryl Hannah (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

"L. A. Story" (1991)

L. A. Story (1991) was also written by Steve Martin, and followed Roxanne. It is a comic homage to LA and a romantic comedy which worked for me on both levels. Martin is a comedy TV weatherman. He tapes a weekend forecast in advance figuring the LA weather never changes, and a freak rainstorm costs him his job. Meanwhile, he discovers that his girlfriend has been sleeping with his agent for three years, then meets Sarah Jessica Parker who is much younger than him and has an affair. Enter the true love of his life (and his real life wife), Victoria Tennant. My own time spent in LA probably added to my enjoyment of the film. I grew up to the same weather report nearly every morning: "Night and early morning clouds and scattered fog giving way to hazy sunshine by mid-morning. The high today will be 72, with an overnight low of 64. Light to moderate eye irritation."

The film is pact with jokes, some of them very subtle. In an early scene Martin gets up, gets in his car, and drives three houses to his girlfriend's house. It would be easy to miss the first time through, but it is true. Nobody walks in LA.

Memorable quotes: Martin to his girl friend: "I could never be a woman. If I were, I would do nothing but sit at home all day playing with my breasts." Martin to his girl friend: "That's exactly like licking a shag carpet." (about orange juice with the pulp). Martin to group: "When I see a painting like this I get emotionally erect." Martin to SanDeE*: "Sandy, your breasts feel weird." SanDeE*: "Oh, that's because their real."

The DVD transfer is very good. I would have liked to see a commentary from Martin, but the making of featurette and production notes almost made up for it. Nudity is provided by Cheryl Baker, who is in a changing room with the door ajar. Parker shows a lot of cleavage and some pokies.


Sarah Jessica Parker (1, 2, 3, 4) Cheryl Baker (1, 2)

WhyScan's Page Three Report

Bonus Pics
Nicola Willoughby from FHM (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

S Club 7 babes, also from FHM (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Helen Mirren
(1, 2)
Comments by Oz:
Helen is in a 1984 film called Cal. It is set in Northern Ireland and Helen plays the Catholic wife of a Protestant policeman. He is brutally murdered in their home. Twelve months later she ends up in bed with the murderer's getaway driver, something she didn't know at the time. Another movie that makes me glad I live on the other side of the world.
"Ferdinando and Caroline"
Gabriella Pession
(1, 2, 3)

Lola Pagnani
(1, 2, 3)

Comments by Oz:
Italian movies don't make it easy for cappers. Too many of them give the cast but not the character they played. This film is one of them and I'm relying on the IMDB to identify the actors. (At least it is not as bad as trying to identify Japanese, Greek or Russian actors!) On an interesting note, this film was co-produced by Edwige Fenech, not unknown to the Fun House.

Gabriella Pession plays Carolina an Austrian princess who is married off to Fernando, an Italian King. You see the video caps of their wedding night.

Naturally, a young king's head is easily turned. The temptation is in the form of Lola Pagnani. Two amazing things about Lola. First, she shows that implants were around a long time before this century. Secondly, she has the most amazing bush - it's the most unusual looking thing!! It's almost too bad to be a fake.

Avalon Anders Once again, Helcrom ventures into the world of late night cable, and brings us back a few souvenirs! First here is Avalon from "Alien Erotica" a.k.a "The Alien Files".
Gabriella Hall A Skinemax regular...showing off the goods in "Alien Erotica".
Michelle Hall Mostly topless, plus a nice thong view from "Sexually Bewitched".
Julia Kruis From "Sexually Bewitched".
Tane McClure Vidcaps of Tane in action from the series "Nightcap" Episode: "Making Believe".

Every time I hear the name McClure, only one thing comes to mind...."Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such films as..." If you're a Simpsons fan like me, then you understand. So, down in the Funnies Section I have a treat for you...Troy McClure's filmography!

Mia Vidcaps from "Sexually Bewitched"
Amber Newman My least favorite of all Skinemax "actresses" from "Sexually Bewitched".
Delphine Pacific 'Caps from "Alien Erotica".
Blake Pickett More Skinemax fun from "Alien Erotica".
Stella Porter In 'caps from "Nightcap" Episode: "Making Believe".
Kira Reed One of the legends of late night in "Alien Erotica".
Ravenelle Richardson Ravenelle? Isn't that a brand of tissue paper? Vidcaps from "Alien Erotica".
Petra Sexton Still more from "Alien Erotica".
Brittany Valenta From "Sexually Bewitched".
Kim Yates One final set of 'caps from "Alien Erotica".
and ...
Nathalie Delon
(1, 2, 3)
A combined FR and Tuna effort. Tuna 'capped these images from "Bluebeard", and FR put them together into these collages.
Rosie Perez Excellent vidcaps By Mongoose from "Do the Right Thing"
The Funnies
A special treat for all of my fellow "Simpsons" fans...The filmography of Troy McClure! A very special thanks to guys at the "Troy McClure Pretty-Much-Everything Site" Click here for a ton off pics and sound clips of one of Springfield's most beloved celebrities.

"Cry Yuma"
"Here Comes the Coast Guard"
"Preacher With a Shovel" (with Dolores Montenegro)
"The Revenge of Abe Lincoln"
"The Wackiest Covered Wagon in the West"
"Calling All Quakers" (with Dolores Montenegro)
"Gladys The Groovy Mule"
"Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die"
"Dial M for Murderousness"
"The Erotic Adventures of Hercules"
"'P' is for Psycho"
"The President's Neck is Missing!"
"The Boatjacking of Supership 79"
"Hydro, the Man With the Hydraulic Arms"
"Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out"
"Muppets Go Medieval" (1977 - with Dyan Cannon and The Muppets)
"The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed"
"They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall"
"Meet Joe Blow"
"Give My Remains to Broadway"
"The Verdict Was Mail Fraud"
"Leper in the Backfield"
"Make-Out King of Montana"
"The Electric Gigolo"
"The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel" (also director)
"David Vs. Super-Goliath" (Bible epic)
"Suddenly Last Supper" (Bible epic)
"Space Mutants VII: Cry of the Space Mutant"
"The Itchy & Scratchy Movie" (bit part)
"Jagged Attraction"
"Look Who's Still Oinking"
"Three Men And A Nuke"
"Ten Was Too Many"
"The Computer Wore Puka Shells"
"The Frontier Family Get Deer Ticks"
"The Mediocre Journey"
"A Fish Taco Called Juanita" (with Cheech Marin!)
"Human Fondue - Surviving the Wisconsin Dell's Cheese Factory Explosion"
"All the President's Monkeys"
"Android Beach Party"
"Back to the Sequel"
"Butter -- The Motion Picture"
"The Cougar and the Polka King"
"Cut it Out -- The Wacky Adventures of Jack the Ripper"
"Dracula's Disco-Studio Fifty Gore"
"Driving Mr. T"
"Three Dames And a Dam" (1978 - with Nancy Robertson)
"Saturnforce 3000"
"Calling All Lumberjacks"
"The Day Paul Bunyan Cried"
"Radioactive Man III"
"The Pulverizer"
"Radioactive Man II: Bring On The Sequel"
"Sleepless in Shelbyville"
"The Unbearable Moistness of Sweating"
"Coffee, Tea, or Fiddle Dee Dee"
"Eenie Meeni Miney, Die"
"A Bridge Too Far" (as Todd, the worlds unluckiest dentist)
"Swing, Swang, Swung" (as Bobby, the happy-go-lucky boyhood friend of Ook-Ook the lip cancer chimp)
"Three Men and a Bunsen Burner" (as the doomed Professor Landrew)
"Wake Up, Finnegan" (as Paddy the relentless bell-ringer)

"Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die" is the first McBain movie, according to the McBain trading card. Troy turned down the part of McBain's sidekick in "McBain IV : Fatal Discharge" to do "Contrabulous Fabtraption".

TV Series
"Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory"
"Buck Henderson, Union Buster"
"Handel With Kare"
"Son of Sanford and Son" (spinoff)
"After Mannix" (spinoff)
"Troy McClure's Pre-Teen Soul Machine"
"Barnum - The Animated Series"
"The Adventures of Achilles" (with Hena, Democratically Elected Princess)

TV Specials
Miss American Girl Pageant (host)
"Carnival of the Stars" (host)
"Alien Nose Job" (Fox Network Special)
"Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show" (Fox Network Special)
"The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular" (Host)
"The Simpsons Spinoff Showcase" (host)
"Troy McClure's Aloha from Louie's House of Shaved Ice" (Live Via Satellite!)

"Stop the Planet of the Apes: I Want To Get Off!"
"Muttonchops" (A one-man musical tribute to the great thinkers of the 19th Century.)
"Trucks" (as Rod, the happy-go-lucky fire engine)

"Christmas Ape"
"Christmas Ape Goes To Summer Camp"

Educational films and the like
"The World Without Zinc" (child actor?)
"Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What"
"Here Comes The Metric System"
"Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly"
"60 Minutes of Car Crash Victims"
"Alice's Adventures through the Windshield Glass"
"The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot"
Pepsi Presents Fractions
Meat Council film : "Meat And You: Partners in Freedom"
"Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun"
"Firecrackers: The Silent Killer"
"Shoplifters BEWARE"
"Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds"
"Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness"
"Young Jebediah Springfield" (A Watch-and-Learn Production)
"Locker Room Towel Fight : The Blinding of Larry Driscoll"
"Regional Geographic Presents: Birds - Our Fine Feathered Colleagues" (nature film)
"Earwigs: Ewwww" (nature film)
"Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory" (nature film)
Introducing the Biosphere to Springfield (short film)
"Learn French Toot Sweet While You Sleep" (language tape)
"Shellron's Colonialism Shamolonialism -- We Call it Work" (corporate sponsored)
"Schevitzco's 16 Minutes on the Meaning of Matzoh" (corporate sponsored)
"A Tree Grew In Springfield"
"Turning Comics Into Movies"

Note: The Meat Council film is number 3F03 in the "Resistance is Useless" Series.

Do-It-Yourself Videos
"Mothballing Your Battleship"
"Dig Your Own Grave and Save"
"The Half-Assed Guide to Foundation Repair"
"The Half-Assed Guide to Aluminium Siding"

"Let's Save Tony Orlando's House"
"Out With Gout '88"
"Springfield Public Television Telethon"???

"I Can't Believe They Invented It!"
The Candy Bar That Cleans Teeth
Eyeball Whitener
Spiffy, the 21st Century Stain Remover
The Juice Loosener
Styro-Glow! (the incredibly simple seventeen-step solution that makes your styrofoam look brand new)
New Improved Brick! (the waterproof sponge! Now in decorator colors!!)
Brew 'n' Chew (the beer flavored gum)
Obscenity! (the fragrance that isn't afraid to speak your mind!)
The Cobinolator! (87 hard-to-use tools in one! Instructions sold separately!)

Other Infomercials and Miscellaneous
Introductory video to the "Ah! Fudge" chocolate factory
"We're Sending our Love Down the Well" (singing)
Introductory video to "Rancho Relaxo"
Voice-over for the Duff Gardens commercial
The Springfield Squares
Impulse Buying Network (IBN)
"Herschel Schmoekel Krustofski, aka Krusty The Clown" (celebrity funeral)
"Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" (celebrity funeral)
"Shemp Howard, Today We Mourn A Stooge" (celebrity funeral)
"Welcome to the Knowledgeum" (automated information kiosk)
"Welcome to Springfield Airport" (automated information kiosk)
"Where's Nordstrom?" (automated information kiosk)
The Silent Partner & Wolfcastle & Krustofski Circus
Circus of the Washed-Up B-List Celebrities
"Not So Fast Mister Copperfield, What's That In Your Sock?" (memorable interruption)
"Your Honor I Object. Fatty Airbuckle was with Me the Whole Weekend" (memorable interruption)
"Operation Lice" (science project)
"Condos on Mars" (science project)
"Where in the Heck is the People's Republic of Kampuchea?" (travel)
"Boy, Oh Cheboygan!" (travel)
"Infomercial Theatre"
"Much Ado About Muffins"
"What About Grout"
"Chinchillas: Your Rodent to Riches"
"Krusty's Celebrity Psychic Hotline"

Self-Help Videos
"Adjusting Your Self-O-Stat" (with Brad Goodman)
"Get Confident, Stupid!"
"Smoke Yourself Thin"
"Kiss Your Butt Goodbye: Post-Meltdown Emergency Procedures"

"Smellin' of Troy" (maybe)
"Avoiding Reality"

Assorted Independent Products
What are You Thinking? (17 Habits of Highly Ineffective People)
"Virtual Simpsons" CD-ROM (Introduction)

101 Frozen Pops (featured on cover of Springfield Sperm Bank's mail order catalog with Professor Frink and Jacques)
"The Demure McClure" (life story)

Business Ventures
So Sue me Sashimi and Sushi, Have Some Raw Fish While We Talk to You About Your Raw Deal! (with Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law)

Medical Films
Med-Films Presents "Someone's in the Kitchen with DNA!"
"Alice Doesn't Live Anymore"
"Mommy, What's Wrong With That Man's Face?"

More from the Virtual Springfield CD-ROM:

"Hitler Doesn't Live Here Anymore"

"An American in Toronto"
"It's a Wonderful Belt"
"Astro-Heist: Gemini-3"
"Darling Beefeater"(with Dolores Montenegro)
And you can see a clip from "Calling All Quakers".

"Eeney-Meeney-Miney Murphreesborough"
"Yuma: It's Seniorific"
"Smother Me In Shreveport"
"Living, Loving and Lubbock"
"Duluth, It'll Grow On You"
"Suddenly Tulsa"
"Freedonia: Gateway to Wichita"
"Fairbanks Needs Women"
"I Left My Soul In Sacramento"
"Tender Lovin' Newark"
"Hats Off To Fargo"
"Pinch Me, I'm In Boise"

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