Biohazard (1984) is a Fred Olin Ray Alien rip off, and marks his first 35 mm film. His son played the rather pathetic space monster (see the upper left corner of the images). A top secret government experiment uses the psychic powers of Angelique Pettyjohn to summon space junk, hence the monster comes to Earth. He turns out to be small, fast, and deadly. She teams with the good guy, who has some undisclosed position with the government, to catch and stop the monster.

There is a short scene where two hobos are roasting dinner over a fire, and admit to an uninvited guest that they get their meat at the pond. A woman credited as Loren Crabtree shows breasts as a scream queen. My guess is that she has done other work under a different name, but she has no other credits at IMDB. Angelique Pettyjohn, who also shows breasts, had a long career that included some hard core as Angel St. Crois, horror, popular TV shows such as Get Smart, Batman and Hill Street Blues and stripping. She died young of breast cancer.

IMDB readers have this at 3.4 of 10. This is not Fred Olin Rays worst film, nor is it his best. It does have a surprise ending, but the $250K budget is clearly evident. This is a C- as a bad B movie. Compared to normal horror drama, it would score much lower.

Km. 0 (2000):

Kilometer Zero comes from the Spanish school of offbeat, sexually polymorphous romantic comedies which combine sentimentality with explicit sexuality, farce, and slapstick hijinks.

The name comes from a place in the center of Madrid, kilometer marker zero, which I gather to be the place which separates East and West, North and South, and from which all distances are measured. I'm not really sure about that, but the point is that it seems to be a common place to meet people that you've never met before. So it happens that on a sweltering Summer day in Madrid more than a dozen people say "meet me at Kilometer Zero" to people they've never seen before.This encompasses computer dates, cousins who don't know what the other looks like, a hooker and her john, and so forth.

As so often happens in movieland, few of the people ended up with the partners they originally intended to meet, at least not at first. Multiple cases of mistaken identity led to some silly situations. The kid who was to meet his sister's friend found her surprisingly friendly, his surprise presumably generated by the fact that he was coming in her mouth fifteen seconds after they were first alone. Gee, guess who ended up with the hooker.

The pair-ups encompass every possible combination: straight, gay, pay for play, gay with straight, human with angel, old with young. One couple even finds out they are cousins.

All in all, it's colorful, kinky, and sentimental, as is typical of the films of Yolanda García Serrano, who also wrote  Love Can Seriously Damage Your Health and Why Do They Call It Love When They Mean Sex?

Based on this description, this is a C. Moderately amusing, offbeat romantic comedy. Good enough, successful at what it tries, but not as good as implied by the 7.6 rating at IMDb.

I would have given it a C+, but I had to reduce the score based on the Lou Diamond Phillips Rule. (Any film that features the incredibly stacked and adorable Silke Klein and leaves her clothes on deserves to be reduced, by the same logic as having Richie Valens in the film and not letting him sing La Bamba.)

• Elisa Matilla (1, 2, 3, 4)

Blueberry (2004):

I haven't seen this film. I first heard about this nude scene from Charlie, our resident French Cinema expert, and these captures are taken from a video clip made by Shiloh, which can be found in his section below.

Here's what you need to know. Western. Mixed cast of Europeans and Americans. Oh, yeah. Did I mention Juliette Lewis spreading her legs on camera?

• Juliette Lewis (1, 2, 3)

OTHER CRAP:

• Naked Protesters & Nude Activists. Public Nudity in the Public Interest.
• 5 New clips from The Making of THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST.
• FilmJerk reviews 'The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra.
• Britney Spears in a thong
• Weekly World News says: flabbergasted homeowners in seven states have awakened mornings to find their front yards covered with hundreds of cheap plastic pink flamingos -- and nobody knows who put them there."
• Broadway By the Year samples The Musicals of 1926: "A ducat for 'Broadway By the Year,' now in its fourth season, has become the proverbial hot ticket. A capacity Town Hall aud enthusiastically welcomed wunderkind writer-producer Scott Siegel, who turned back the pages to 1926, when Calvin Coolidge was president and 40 new musicals opened on Broadway."
• "Taking the pill encourages women to have relationships with inappropriate men." Being an inappropriate man, I salute this marvelous tablet.
• JoBlo has new Kill Bill 2 pics
• The Z Review: Julia Roberts and Clive Owen filming some scenes for Mike Nichols's new movie Closer.
• In Polls, both Kerry and Edwards are leading President Bush. The President, however, is still holding on to a 50-49 lead in a theoretical head-to-head race against Sauron.
• Matt Drudge vs The West Wing
• Dean says he is winning in a parallel universe. Apparently, he had to stay in the race here on Earth 1, as he calls it, in order to avoid disturbing the time-space continuum. This means he's still in it. “As my margins of victory on Earth II approach 100% and my vote tallies on Earth I dwindle to zero, there will be a crack in time and space and the two worlds will converge”
• Trisexual comedian Andy Dick goes wild on the row
• URL says it all: Heartless-Bitches.com
• Cloning breaks all Ten Commandments. And a mere nerdy DNA scientist joins Colin Farrell in the "All Ten" club. Dick Nixon is now regretting the fact that he honored his mother, dropping him to third place all-time, at 9 1/2 commandments. Satan is currently making a graven image, hoping to climb back into the top three.
• The Naked Women's Wrestling League comes to Pay Per View in April 2004. Find their home page at nwwl.com
• He's a high school freshman. He's 6'6". He scores 44 points in a 32 minute game, as his Cincinnati prep school basketball team goes to 18-0.
• Arena Football Cheerleaders: The Chicago Rush's Adreneline Rush Dancers.
• Vida Guerra's home page. A bum-lover's delight.
• "We Hate The WNBA"
• Can "brain fingerprints" determine whether you are guilty? That certainly would be the case if your fingerprints are found on a murdered man's brain.
• Sex and the City: the movie??
• Now online: sneak peeks at The Day after Tomorrow.
• Gov. Perry (Texas) Sex Scandal Brewing? The unsubstantiated internet gossip is that the governor's wife is leaving him because she caught him smoking the White Owl with another dude. No mainstream news source has picked it up.
• Heather Mitts crowned "Hottest Female Athlete of 2004".
• Another classic Bushism! "I am troubled by activist judges who are defining marriage. I strongly believe marriage should be defined." I guess he is trying to say that marriage should be precisely defined by law and not by judicial interpretation. Either that, or he's saying that marriage should be defined, but only if he gets to write the definition. Maybe he should write that definition. Then he would know the definition of at least one polysyllabic word.
• Vinnie Barbarino turns 50, and Mr Kotter returns to stand-up comedy, albeit sitting down.
• Silent Bob will write and direct the Green Hornet movie.
• Coming Soon has posted the new international trailer for Troy
• Two new clips from Robot Stories.
• Dean abandons quixotic bid for White House. He knew it was over when Nader decided to run, thus siphoning off Dean's much-needed support from the insane bloc.
• The distinguished Dr. Hunter S Thompson says the President may be lying - about falling asleep before the Super Bowl halftime : "Was he drunk? Does he fear the sight of an uncovered nipple? Was he lying? Does he believe in his heart that there are more evangelical Christians in this country than football fans and sex-crazed yoyos with unstable minds?"
• Guinness World Records - longest ear hair. As a dad, I can relate to how his parents now feel - the heartbreak and struggle of raising him was worth it.
• Mr Myagi hauls out the wax one more time: Donald Rumsfield to star in The Karate Geezer
• Supermodel Naomi takes privacy case to Britain's law lords. So far, in her case against the Mirror, Naomi has been awarded nothing, and has been forced to pay about a half million dollars - the newspaper's legal costs - in addition to paying her own lawyers.
• Is Bill Bennett in the grip of an imminent dominatrix scandal? Given that it's political season, you can bet that (a) the accusation will be made, and (b) it will turn out to be baseless.
• "You're soaking in it". Madge, the manicurist who used dishwashing detergent as pre-soak, dies at 86.
• Kerry wins Wisconsin as expected, but with a smaller margin than anticipated. Edwards stays alive. As for Dean, he can call in the hounds and piss on the fire, cuz the hunt is over.
• The latest working links for the Paris Hilton sex tape (in multi parts)
• The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting that Greg Maddux will sign a contract to pitch for the Chicago Cubs, not the Yankees, and will report for work with the rest of the Cubs' pitchers and catchers on Wednesday morning.
• King Henry VIII was a soccer player. In fact, he the only goalie in history who was never scored upon. Soccer experts attribute that to
  • the deference show him as king because of his penchant to behead those who displeased him, and/or
  • the fact that his body size was greater than the size of the total goal area.
• It's time to play Death to Celebrity Couples
• Reality shows account for 11 of the top 20 TV shows.
• Barry Bonds's personal trainer admitted to distributing steroids to various (mostly unnamed) athletes, but says he has now stopped. In other news, Bonds reported to Spring Training weighing 135. Bonds was not mentioned by name in the public documents, but Gary Sheffield was.
• Conan O'Brien Issues a hilarious 'Apology' to Quebec. (Much funnier than the original material he got in trouble for.)
• Hollywood is buzzing that Clooney has offered Mike Tyson the Mr T role in the A-Team movie. How could they offer this to anyone but Ving Rheames? The Vinger was born for this moment. I suppose Clooney's pal Brad Pitt will get offered "Face", but likely turn it down. Jim Carrey would be the logical Murdock, and Clooney himself would make a good Hannibal. Note to Hollywood: I would go top the movie enthusiastically with those four guys in the leads, although they would cost a mint unless they worked for far less than their going rates.
• There is now a second online teaser from Harry Potter and the Most Recent Thing He's Battling.
• How low can they go? That's the question even seasoned political observers are asking this week, as Democrats and Republicans unleashed a series of commercials showing their opponents digitally morphing into members of the embattled Jackson family.

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

Two Must-See Items:

• You read about Juliette Lewis's spread shot in Blueberry. Now see it for yourself. (.avi version, .wmv version)

• Rockbitch, those hard-rockin' Amsterdam carpet munchers, actually do a lesbian fist fuck live on stage. Shiloh's original six monute .avi wasn't a practical item for the site, but here's the essence of it in a .wmv version.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

I can just picture the meeting now. A producer wannabe walks into the studio head's office and says, "I want to make a movie just like Dumb and Dumber."

Studio guy asks, "You mean a prequel?"

And the wannabe replies, "Are you kidding me? No one is that fucking stupid. This is a movie that takes off from the last half of D & D, when the boys finally reach Aspen and they find all that money and go out and spend it on things like cars and hotel rooms and stuff."

"Sounds pretty funny to me," says studio guy.

"Well, it won't be a comedy. It's a gritty drama of the mean streets and what money can buy."

"The mean streets? Of Aspen?"

"No, we'll move it to L. A. and have the boys go to clubs and boff a bunch of chicks and buy a lot of cars. Like twin Porsches and a muscle Mustang. But the money is the Mafia's and they come to collect. So what do you think?"

"Doesn't sound like much to me."

"Well we already contacted McQueen and Swayze and they said they'd do it for scale."

"In that case, go for it. Here's a couple mil to get you going. Call it "Money to Burn" or "The Squanderers." Oh hell, use both."

Of course what the wannabe didn't make clear is that the protagonists are played by CHAD McQueen, Steve's son, and DON Swayze, Patrick's brother. Don looks just like Patrick... if Patrick had been born and raised in a trailer park on the outskirts of Bug Tussle, Arkansas. He's got the mullet, the cheesy goatee, the pencil neck... all the required equipment. Chad, on the other hand, looks nothing like Steve, acts nothing like Steve, does nothing like Steve. He is to Steve McQueen and his acting what Ted Williams' son was to Ted and his hitting. We're not talkin the same ballpark, not the same league, not even the same mofo-ing game.

The story, as you might surmise, blows. So badly that when it was clear the nekkid babe quotient had been filled I turned off this toxic waste dump. Didn't care what happened to the boys. Hoped, in fact, the mafia dudes caught em and did a Braveheart on em. Not the characters... the actors.

A couple of women show up and show off.

There is Julie Strain in a full-frontal performance. This is pretty early in Julie's career and she looks darn nice (not clear how early, though. IMDB says 1996, Bare Facts says 1994, but the credits say 1997... pick one, pick em all).

Ashlie Rhey is topless in the bath tub.

Melanie Good is sorta topless.

Kymberly Herrin (Hefmate for March 1981) gives good face and a bit of cleavage. Kymberly is famous for her face, having been the Dream Ghost in Ghostbusters and the woman at the beginning of Romancing the Stone, as the story written by Kathleen Turner's character is played out on-screen.

In the end you would just have to say that someone got taken with this movie. A few someones, in fact. The studio head, for one, and anyone who has paid to watch it, for two or maybe three.

• Ashlie Rhey
• Julie Strain
• Kymberly Herrin
• Melanie Good

• Carla Gugino, the "Spy Kids" mom topless and baring her bum in scenes from "Jaded" (1996).

• Heather Graham in her well lit and very beautiful topless scene from "Killing Me Softly"

• Jessica Paré, the busty young star topless in "Stardom" (2000)

• Sadie Frost, the UK actress flashes her breasts in "Crimetime". (1996).

• Virginia Madsen, baring a lovely breast in her film debut, the 1983 movie "Class".
• Jennifer Jason Leigh, topless in the pool house scene from the 1982 classic, "Fast Times at Ridgemont High".
• Phoebe Cates...of course you can't show any clips from "Fast Times..." without the scene.

PARIS HILTON'S LOVER RELEASED SEX TAPE
Song Of Salomon - The full-length version of the Paris Hilton sex tape hit the Internet last week, and the New York Post's Page Six discovered who released it: her lover from the video, Rick Salomon. Salomon said he wouldn't have done it if Hilton's parents hadn't accused him of releasing the earlier snippet and claimed he was a rapist. He said he wanted to prove she was not drugged and joined in enthusiastically. Salomon said he's making $50 every time someone buys it, and he plans to make a lot of money and go surfing for a year. He added that Paris "will probably hate me after this, but what are you gonna do?"