"The Quick and the Dead"

The Quick and the Dead (1987 TV) was made for HBO from a Louis L'amour novel. It was every bit the romance novel level western story I expected, but the reason I ordered the film was the star, Sam Elliott, who has to be one of the coolest performers of all time. He always plays himself, but himself is highly entertaining. What I wasn't expecting was Kate Capshaw in a waterfall, bathing with frontier undies soaking wet and fairly transparent.

Capshaw, husband and son are traveling west for a new start. They run afoul of the bad guys, one of whom is on Sam Elliott's shit list. That, plus the fact that Elliott has the hots for Capshaw, is enough for Elliott to help defend the family from the bad guys.

IMDB readers have this at 6.4 of 10. The film looks great, with everything well lit, and very nice locations. There is also enough humor to carry you through the less exciting places, and the chemistry between Elliott and Capshaw was there. This is a C+.

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  • Kate Capshaw (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    "Innocents aux Mains Sales"

    Innocents aux Mains Sales (1975), or Dirty Hands, is a French thriller. It is of the type that I most hate, where the director carefully leads you down a path, then changes all the rules, leads you down a new path, changes all the rules, etc. I will be writing a major spoiler here, so lets take care of the nudity report first. Romy Schneider naked on her stomach is the first frame of the film. Later on, we see her breasts in several scenes.

    Begin Spoiler

    Romy Schneider is married to a much older man who drinks way to much, and has stopped having sex with her because of his heart attack. When she meets a handsome neighbor, the two end up in bed, and plot to kill the husband and live happily ever after with his money. A bit cliched, but so far. so good. They go through with the crime, where hubby passes out as usual, boyfriend makes plenty of noise at his typewriter as an alibi while Schneider whacks hubby over the head with a huge club. Boyfriend then quickly collects the unconscious husband, kills him, dumps him at sea, then takes Schneider's car to get away from it all for a few days. Schneider reports hubby's disappearance to the cops, who immediately decide she and the boyfriend killed the husband, but can't prove it. Then the car turns up at the bottom of a cliff, so boyfriend is also dead, and Schneider discovers that hubby cleaned out the bank account and sold her house, so she now has nothing. She also learned that hubby claimed a heart attack to explain his lack of passion, and that his actual problem was impotence. Ok, they still are within the realm of acceptability here.

    Then dead hubby shows up. Ok, I smelled a rat, and no body had been discovered. Hubby, it seems, had seen her and boyfriend doing the nasty, and heard them plotting his demise, so he turned the tables, and killed the boyfriend. All this, it seems, has cured his impotence, and he has come back to pay her big money to use her like a whore. Then the cops suddenly decide that hubby actually masterminded everything. How? A game of bocci ball seems to have inspired them. Schneider lies effectively to the police, he decides to trust her again, then the dead boyfriend shows up with a gun. At this point, hubby does of the heart condition he doesn't have, boyfriend is convicted of something serious (impersonating a corpse for all I know), and Schneider is expecting a suspended sentence for her part in this muddled mess.

    End Spoilers

    IMDB readers have this at an unbelievable 5.8 of 10. This is the sort of stuff MST 2000 is made of. For me, this is 121 minutes of un clever plot manipulation, and a totally bogus story. D.

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  • Romy Schneider (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    The Day the Earth Caught Fire (1961):

    At one time, the characters in "Cheers" discussed the "sweatiest movie ever". They hit on some of the best ones like "Cool Hand Luke", but nobody mentioned the classic British "end of the world" film, The Day the Earth Caught Fire. This could have been the winner.

    This is a remarkably good film in many ways. Although it is a completely serious movie about Armageddon, the dialogue reminds me of the quick-quipping patter from the best American films of the 30's and 40's. The characters exchange snappy badinage with the glib ease of Bogart-Bacall, Tracy-Hepburn, and Gable-Lombard. Director and co-author Val Guest was a writer back in those days, when he wrote some classic British comedies. He never lost the knack for sharp repartee and a well-turned phrase.

    In this movie, the lovers weren't the best with the rapid-fire patter. They did OK, but the fastest gun in the cast was Leo McKern, who played the newspaper's science editor. Unless you are from the UK, you may not have heard of McKern, although he was a distinguished classical actor and one of the great character actors in filmdom for some fifty years. (He died only about a year ago.) I'm guessing that Brits think of him as Rumpole of the Bailey, but I will always remember him as my favorite Number Two on The Prisoner. Despite his talent and a commanding voice, he never became a household name because he rarely strayed outside English productions, and he was not the type of actor who gets leads. He was an exceptionally rumpled man with a glass eye. He probably could be considered the lead in this film, in the sense that he seemed to have the most lines and the best ones. He really made the most of his one chance to outshine the pretty boys. One of my favorite lines in this film involves McKern asking his researcher to bring him all their files on melting points - because, he jokes, he wants to know the temperature at which his glass eye will start to melt.

    As CK Roach noted, the film is lacking in special effects. The changes in the world's climate are portrayed either by painted scenes or by stock footage of fires and storms. The stock footage of people putting out fires went on too long, but I didn't find the painted shots to be distracting at all. Since the film had kind of an unreal quality to it, with the constant fog and ubiquitous sweating, the ethereal look of the painted shots of London didn't seem out of place. They seemed to add an artistic exclamation point to the film's statement about the end of mankind, creating a sense of "all this, which we have built over centuries, deserted, maybe lost forever". There is one shot which is truly memorable - a solitary, sweaty reporter walking down a deserted London street toward St. Paul's.

    As CK points out, the best thing about the film is that it stays true to its premise - to try to imagine how daily life would change, and which elements of life would go on as usual, if the orbit of the earth started to decay slowly but steadily toward the sun. It shows real people reacting to the crisis in different but always believable ways.

    The career of the director, Val Guest, can be summed up in one word: "eclectic". I think this list should give you the idea: Expresso Bongo, The Au Pair Girls, Casino Royale, Carry on Admiral.

    Cool movie. I had never seen it before today, and I'm glad I got the chance. By god it even has some nudity, which wasn't easy to find in 1961. Thanks to CK Roach for bringing this one to our attention.


    Orlando (1992):

    Orlando is a high-minded costume drama about a person who lives through 400 years of English history without aging, living the first half as a man, the second half as a woman.

    No, it is not sci-fi. It doesn't explain how such a thing could be possible, or even try to. It was written by Virginia Woolf. The eternal life and the transmogrification of genders are merely literary devices which you must accept so that you can begin the examination of English class and gender issues.


    If you really care about that crap, here's my very long-winded commentary, but I must warn you that this article is so fucking boring it even put me to sleep ...

     ... and I wrote the sucker.

    For our purposes, the important point is this: Tilda Swinton full-frontal nudity in good light.

    • Tilda Swinton (1, 2, 3, 4)



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Kim Cattrall from Sunday night's season premier of "Sex and the City". Black undies and a great rear view.

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    Canadian indie movie released to video/dvd last week. It's directed by Guy Bennett and stars his daughter Sonja Bennett. Along with featuring topless boxing and the most brutal catfights, it features a well-lit open leg nude scene by his daughter (and the movie passed with only an R-rating!). As with filming his daughter naked, Guy Bennett was in another room watching the scene on a "very low resolution monitor".

    "The Pit" (1981) aka Teddy
    Exceptionally bad Canadian horror about a young woman (Jeannie Elias) who babysits the boy from hell. To be released on DVD September 23, 2003 by Anchor Bay.

    Various exposure by Jeannie and a couple of one-timers go topless, one having the same last name as director Lew Lehman.

    "Snake Eater III: His Law" (1992)
    Another Lorenzo Lamas movie with the obligatory nudity by his female co-stars.

    "Da Vinci's Inquest"
    Canadian drama tv-series about a Vancouver area coroner. Most of the female guest stars play either hookers, kidnap victims, or both.

    "Unfinished Business" (1984)
    Hopelessly dated Canadian drama about a couple of peace activists. No nudity or even any cleavage by the bountiful Isabelle Mejias.

    "Slow Burn" (1989)
    Earlier Lloyd Simandl action movie. The only exposure is by a one-timer.

    "Love & Murder" (1990)
    PG-rated thriller with no nudity or sex but you get to see a woman fall out a window.

    "The Glitter Dome" (1984)
    Hollywood detective drama starring James Garner form the Rockford Files. Jimmy bags Lois Lane from Super Man.

    "The First Time"(1969)
    Early sex comedy about three young men who cross the US border into Canada to get laid. A precursor to Porky's.

    Other goodies:

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet"

    At first glance, this 1968 movie is simply a soft-porn sexploitation movie based very loosely on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but it is much, much more.

    It's extremely funny, campy, and a real step back in time for those of us who remember the 60's. It's filled with 60's clichés and references, including many recognizable lines from Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in, an extremely popular TV show of the 60's. If you remember "Sock It To Me", you'll want to see this movie. Plenty of nudity and sex, yes, but really well done.

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Today we have a couple of unknown babes.

    First up from a cheapie horror flick "Scream Bloody Murder" is Priscilla Ross, no nudity, but some pretty darned good cleavage.

    • Priscilla Ross (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    Then it's a return visit to "Watchful Eye" and Julie Cialini who strips down to bare her big'uns.

    • Julie Cialini (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Jennifer Lopez
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Showing off most of her bum while paying tribute to "Flashdance" in her video for the song "I'm Glad".

    Courtney Love
    (1, 2, 3)

    Toplessness and full frontal-ness in scenes from "The People vs Larry Flynt".

    Mail Bag

    I think there was a Kristin Davis nip slip on the season premier of "Sex and the City". About 11 minutes in, she is in bed with her bald boyfriend. Right after she rubs his chest, she sits up and her left nipple, on right side of screen, seems to pop over her top. I am pretty sure its clear and its there, but I didn't get the chance to make any 'caps.

    Maybe some of the other 'cappers who were watching with TiVo?


    Hey Scoops!

    I hope someone made 'caps or a video clip of Justine Bateman on last night's "Out of Order"! Justin whipped her boobs out at about the 40 minute mark. Good clear shot of some pretty nice ones.