The Quick and the Dead (1987 TV) was made for HBO from a Louis L'amour novel. It was every bit the romance novel level western story I expected, but the reason I ordered the film was the star, Sam Elliott, who has to be one of the coolest performers of all time. He always plays himself, but himself is highly entertaining. What I wasn't expecting was Kate Capshaw in a waterfall, bathing with frontier undies soaking wet and fairly transparent.

Capshaw, husband and son are traveling west for a new start. They run afoul of the bad guys, one of whom is on Sam Elliott's shit list. That, plus the fact that Elliott has the hots for Capshaw, is enough for Elliott to help defend the family from the bad guys.

IMDB readers have this at 6.4 of 10. The film looks great, with everything well lit, and very nice locations. There is also enough humor to carry you through the less exciting places, and the chemistry between Elliott and Capshaw was there. This is a C+.

The Day the Earth Caught Fire (1961):

At one time, the characters in "Cheers" discussed the "sweatiest movie ever". They hit on some of the best ones like "Cool Hand Luke", but nobody mentioned the classic British "end of the world" film, The Day the Earth Caught Fire. This could have been the winner.

This is a remarkably good film in many ways. Although it is a completely serious movie about Armageddon, the dialogue reminds me of the quick-quipping patter from the best American films of the 30's and 40's. The characters exchange snappy badinage with the glib ease of Bogart-Bacall, Tracy-Hepburn, and Gable-Lombard. Director and co-author Val Guest was a writer back in those days, when he wrote some classic British comedies. He never lost the knack for sharp repartee and a well-turned phrase.

In this movie, the lovers weren't the best with the rapid-fire patter. They did OK, but the fastest gun in the cast was Leo McKern, who played the newspaper's science editor. Unless you are from the UK, you may not have heard of McKern, although he was a distinguished classical actor and one of the great character actors in filmdom for some fifty years. (He died only about a year ago.) I'm guessing that Brits think of him as Rumpole of the Bailey, but I will always remember him as my favorite Number Two on The Prisoner. Despite his talent and a commanding voice, he never became a household name because he rarely strayed outside English productions, and he was not the type of actor who gets leads. He was an exceptionally rumpled man with a glass eye. He probably could be considered the lead in this film, in the sense that he seemed to have the most lines and the best ones. He really made the most of his one chance to outshine the pretty boys. One of my favorite lines in this film involves McKern asking his researcher to bring him all their files on melting points - because, he jokes, he wants to know the temperature at which his glass eye will start to melt.

As CK Roach noted, the film is lacking in special effects. The changes in the world's climate are portrayed either by painted scenes or by stock footage of fires and storms. The stock footage of people putting out fires went on too long, but I didn't find the painted shots to be distracting at all. Since the film had kind of an unreal quality to it, with the constant fog and ubiquitous sweating, the ethereal look of the painted shots of London didn't seem out of place. They seemed to add an artistic exclamation point to the film's statement about the end of mankind, creating a sense of "all this, which we have built over centuries, deserted, maybe lost forever". There is one shot which is truly memorable - a solitary, sweaty reporter walking down a deserted London street toward St. Paul's.

As CK points out, the best thing about the film is that it stays true to its premise - to try to imagine how daily life would change, and which elements of life would go on as usual, if the orbit of the earth started to decay slowly but steadily toward the sun. It shows real people reacting to the crisis in different but always believable ways.

The career of the director, Val Guest, can be summed up in one word: "eclectic". I think this list should give you the idea: Expresso Bongo, The Au Pair Girls, Casino Royale, Carry on Admiral.

Cool movie. I had never seen it before today, and I'm glad I got the chance. By god it even has some nudity, which wasn't easy to find in 1961. Thanks to CK Roach for bringing this one to our attention.

• Janet Munro (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Janet Munro in the deleted scenes.

Orlando (1992):

Orlando is a high-minded costume drama about a person who lives through 400 years of English history without aging, living the first half as a man, the second half as a woman.

No, it is not sci-fi. It doesn't explain how such a thing could be possible, or even try to. It was written by Virginia Woolf. The eternal life and the transmogrification of genders are merely literary devices which you must accept so that you can begin the examination of English class and gender issues.

Yawn.

If you really care about that crap, here's my very long-winded commentary, but I must warn you that this article is so fucking boring it even put me to sleep ...

 ... and I wrote the sucker.

For our purposes, the important point is this: Tilda Swinton full-frontal nudity in good light.

• Tilda Swinton (1, 2, 3, 4)

OTHER CRAP:

• Portia de Rossi, perhaps the best-known admitted lesbian in showbiz, and probably the most attractive, prepares to wed her lover (Barbara Bach's daughter)
• New women's tennis marketing plan emphasizes sex appeal
• Is there scientific validity to the saying 'Red sky at night, sailors' delight; red sky in the morning sailors take warning'?
• Female inmates often resort to "frog jobs" for sexual fulfillment . Richard Gere looks to trade in his hamster.
• CNN's resident tutti-frutti, Tucker Carlson, prepares to eat his shoes
• A cartoon character with a no-nudity clause?
• URL says it all: www.jesusdressup.com
• Geneticists find a gene that can prevent you from being a pussy

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Kim Cattrall from Sunday night's season premier of "Sex and the City". Black undies and a great rear view.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

"Punch"
Canadian indie movie released to video/dvd last week. It's directed by Guy Bennett and stars his daughter Sonja Bennett. Along with featuring topless boxing and the most brutal catfights, it features a well-lit open leg nude scene by his daughter (and the movie passed with only an R-rating!). As with filming his daughter naked, Guy Bennett was in another room watching the scene on a "very low resolution monitor".

• Sonja Bennett: topless and lower frontal gyno-cam. (1, 2)
• Meredith McGeachie: topless boxer.
• Unknown: major pokies in bikini.

"The Pit" (1981) aka Teddy
Exceptionally bad Canadian horror about a young woman (Jeannie Elias) who babysits the boy from hell. To be released on DVD September 23, 2003 by Anchor Bay.

Various exposure by Jeannie and a couple of one-timers go topless, one having the same last name as director Lew Lehman.

Jeannie Elias:
• tight sweaters
• upskirt, nipple peak
• partial breast in shower
• see through night-shirt
• Laura Hollingsworth: topless undressing in window.
• Jennifer Lehman: topless taking off bikini top.

"Snake Eater III: His Law" (1992)
Another Lorenzo Lamas movie with the obligatory nudity by his female co-stars.

• Tracy Cook: topless love scene with Lorenzo.
• Tracy Hway: partial bush, topless.
• Holly Chester: topless as the obligatory stripper.
• Unknown: topless biker chick.

"Da Vinci's Inquest"
Canadian drama tv-series about a Vancouver area coroner. Most of the female guest stars play either hookers, kidnap victims, or both.

• Nancy Sivak: partial topless in episode "Fantasy".

"Unfinished Business" (1984)
Hopelessly dated Canadian drama about a couple of peace activists. No nudity or even any cleavage by the bountiful Isabelle Mejias.

• Isabelle Mejias: legs and panties.
• Melleny Brown: cleavage by this Inspector Gadget voice actress.

"Slow Burn" (1989)
Earlier Lloyd Simandl action movie. The only exposure is by a one-timer.

• Melissa J. Conroy: nude but dark love scene.

"Love & Murder" (1990)
PG-rated thriller with no nudity or sex but you get to see a woman fall out a window.

• Kathleen Laskey: strapless black bustier.
• Laurie Paton: some cleavage as belly dancer.

"The Glitter Dome" (1984)
Hollywood detective drama starring James Garner form the Rockford Files. Jimmy bags Lois Lane from Super Man.

• Margot Kidder: almost bursting out of her teddy, then distant topless.
• Clara Kamunde: arms over boobs as prostitute.

"The First Time"(1969)
Early sex comedy about three young men who cross the US border into Canada to get laid. A precursor to Porky's.

• Jacqueline Bisset: brassiere, partial breast.

Other goodies:

• Theresa Tova: pokies in "Big Deal" (1985).
• Various: National Geographic nudity in the action "Mercenary Fighters" (1987).
• A link to a pic of Avril Lavigne dropping her pants at the Much Music Video Awards.

"The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet"

At first glance, this 1968 movie is simply a soft-porn sexploitation movie based very loosely on Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but it is much, much more.

It's extremely funny, campy, and a real step back in time for those of us who remember the 60's. It's filled with 60's clichés and references, including many recognizable lines from Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in, an extremely popular TV show of the 60's. If you remember "Sock It To Me", you'll want to see this movie. Plenty of nudity and sex, yes, but really well done.

• Diedre Nelson, full frontal nudity.
• Karen Thomas, showing everything.
• Mickey Jines, even more full frontal nudity.
• Vincene Wallace, breasts and bush.
• Assorted nudity

Today we have a couple of unknown babes.

First up from a cheapie horror flick "Scream Bloody Murder" is Priscilla Ross, no nudity, but some pretty darned good cleavage.

• Priscilla Ross (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Then it's a return visit to "Watchful Eye" and Julie Cialini who strips down to bare her big'uns.

• Julie Cialini (1, 2, 3, 4)

I think there was a Kristin Davis nip slip on the season premier of "Sex and the City". About 11 minutes in, she is in bed with her bald boyfriend. Right after she rubs his chest, she sits up and her left nipple, on right side of screen, seems to pop over her top. I am pretty sure its clear and its there, but I didn't get the chance to make any 'caps.

Maybe some of the other 'cappers who were watching with TiVo?

-DeafBeer

Hey Scoops!

I hope someone made 'caps or a video clip of Justine Bateman on last night's "Out of Order"! Justin whipped her boobs out at about the 40 minute mark. Good clear shot of some pretty nice ones.

-T