"Murphy's Law"

Murphy's Law (1986) is a Golan Globus actioner staring Charles Bronson as Jack Murphy, a divorced police detective with a drinking problem and an attitude. His ex, Angel Tompkins, is now stripping, and living with the club owner. As the film opens, a young thief named Arabella McGee steals his car. Although she drives it into a showroom window, she kicks him in the groin and escapes. He comes home to find his final divorce decree in his mailbox. He has not had a good evening.

The following morning, he is called to a murder scene, and recognizes the dead hooker as belonging to an Italian businessman whose brother deals coke. He proceeds to harass the brother, and then kills the pimp at an airport shootout. Murphy spots Arabella in a store, and arrests her. He then goes to his wife's club, and gets in an argument with is ex and her boyfriend. What we know, and he doesn't, is that a woman he arrested and got committed has been released, and is after him for revenge. She kills the ex wife and the club owner, and frames Murphy. Murphy is arrested, and ends up cuffed to Arabella while waiting for arraignment. He engineers an escape, and, of course, has to take her with him. The two are now wanted for murder, and try to solve the crime to save themselves. That gets harder as more people die.

This has always been a personal favorite film, and entirely because of the performance of Kathleen Wilhoite as Arabella. She has the most creative potty mouth in the history of film. My personal favorite from her, and one that I use often, is, "You snot licking donkey fart." The final climatic scene also has one of the great liners of all time, but I wont spoil that one.

Angel Tompkins shows breasts and buns stripping in the club. IMDB readers have this at 5.1 of 10. It grossed $9.95 M is the US. There are no reviews to be found. Bronson essentially plays Bronson, and the plot is not enough of a reason to watch the film, but the character of Arabella McGee, and a pretty good job by Carrie Snodgress as the insane villain make it worth the time. C.

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  • Angel Tompkins (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25)

    "La Curee"

    La Curee (1966) was done by Scoop a couple of weeks ago. I felt that I would be remiss if I didn't do my version of Jane Fonda from this film. It is beyond me how Scoop found all those words to say about this film. The story as scripted barely makes an interesting paragraph. Fonda is married to a much older industrialist. He moved her to her own bedroom, and stopped being intimate with her, preferring the company of his guard dogs. Fonda and his son by his first wife end up in bed, and then in love. He discovers proof of what they are doing, convinces her to divorce him without getting any of his money, then convinces his son to become engaged to a girl from a rich business associate. Fonda is fucked. The End.

    Fonda is topless for much of acts one and two, but is frequently hidden by such things as two layers of gauze, or distorted in an aluminum mirror. I am sure Emil Zola wrote a much better story than what was presented here. Were it not for Fonda's breast exposure, I can't imagine why anyone would want to see this film. It is nicely photographed. D+.

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  • Jane Fonda (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    • Updated volumes: (3) "Just Say" Julie Brown, Lara Flynn Boyle, Julianne Moore


    Willard (2003):

    I've talked about the film before. The DVD is truly excellent. I didn't have anywhere near enough time to go through all the features. There is a full-length commentary (with the director, and the unique Crispin Glover, and others) as well as a "making of" documentary. The "making of" is not the usual five minute piece of bullshit marketing gloss, but a full-length feature film in its own right. The extras also include 30 minutes worth of footage in the "deleted scenes" section, and this area also comes with (or without) commentary.

     ... not to mention two versions of the film - super-widescreen and full screen. If you are interested in the film at all, you can't go wrong with this full-featured, two-sided DVD.

    Sadly, there is no nudity except for the rats.



    Shark Zone (2003):

    In order to appreciate this one, you have to see the pictures.

    Low budget movie with nothing to recommend it except some beautiful, crisp photography. Bulgaria is a beautiful country. The nudity is very nicely photographed, but I have no idea who she is.

    • Unknown future shark attack victim heading for her appointment with destiny. (1, 2)




    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    First up, here's the rest of Tara Reid in Body Shots. Scenes with violence against women usually creep me out big time, but the second of the two versions of coital activity filmed in this movie has all the ambiguity necessary to a) advance the plot; b) keep me from fast-forwarding. By the by, Tara does a terrific job of acting. Really. After seeing Van Wilder I thought she had all the acting skill of a typical fashion model, but in this film she was wunnerful.

    And then there are the latest paparazzi pics, including the ever-more-revealing Mariah in two dresses that should be required wearing for all babes who make stink-o movies. And if you don't recognize the name, Sarah Silverman is the comedienne so funny she even makes Crank Yankers worth watching (somtimes). Nice rack, too.

    P.S. Scoops, don't know if you've seen it yet, but allow me to warn you about something. Regarding the guy who saw Kill Bill, bought a puppy, named it Quentin Tarantino and then killed it with a salad fork... well, he didn't go far enough. At least I would not have been satisfied. From someone who loves Pulp Fiction, who has seen it maybe a dozen times and who would take it above all other movies with him to a deserted island (equipped with plasma screen TV and DVD player) the following is a painful admission: I would do without seeing it...ever... if Tarentino had died in childbirth... or at least kept his day job and never made a movie. A fair trade. Kill Bill is not bad, it is not awful, it is not is an abomination onto God.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Detention" aka "Learning Curve"
    A man returns to teaching as a substitude to find that the public high school he's at is a nightmare of kids assaulting teachers, a female teacher molested at gunpoint, and students beating students on a daily basis.

    Sounds exactly like The Substitute, but then things get very strange as six particularly troublesome students find themselves naked in electrified cages with no way out, no food, and no water. To survive, they must "learn". While this movie is a little too weird to be called good, it is different.

    Vejiita takes a look at "Investigating Sex" (2001). Despite a cast of big B+ and A list celebs, this flick apparently did a few film festivals, and was then dumped onto the Euro home video market in small quantities. It's currently not available on VHS or DVD in the many thanks to Vejiita!
    • Emily Bruni, topless (1, 2)

    • Julie Delpy, also topless.

    • Neve Campbell, no skin, but it's nice to see she's still around.

    • Robin Tunney, toplessness and some partial rear nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Tanya Roberts
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

    TomKru takes a look at a true 80's classic..."The Beastmaster"! We all know and love Roberts' toplessness (links 9-12 and #20), but this time around TomKru also focuses on her first class bum! Fully exposed in links 1-8, partial bum views in links 16 and 17.

    Halle Berry
    (1, 2, 3)

    Looking gorgeous as always and showing some cleavage on Monday night's Letterman.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    There's Less Sniping In Iraq! - President Bush says he's sick of Democrats and the media sniping at his Iraq policy and claiming his advisers are paralyzed by political infighting. Bush said, "They're just wrong about our strategy. We've had a strategy from the beginning," adding, "The person who is in charge is me."

  • "That's what they tell me, anyway..."
  • Wait, I think I've just pinpointed the flaw in the strategy.
  • The strategy was to go looking for a whole lot of weapons and evildoers, and not find any of them.

    Prison: It's A Bad Thing - Martha Stewart has given ABC's Barbara Walters her first interview since being indicted on inside stock selling charges. Stewart said she doesn't think she'll be going to prison, but, "Of course, I'm scared. The last place I would ever want to go is prison."

  • Prison, or an outlet mall.
  • Unless she could take a WHOLE LOT of potpourri.
  • Freedom would truly be a memory to treasure...

    Gee, Ya Think? - A RAND Corp. study found that the number of US adults who are extremely obese -- that's at least 100 pounds overweight -- has quadrupled since the 1980s to about 4 million or 1 in every 50 adults. The researchers say extreme obesity was once thought to be a rare, distinct medical condition, but this study contradicts that and suggests it may at least be partly due to behaviors, such as overeating and inactivity.

  • Or maybe it's a contagious medical condition!
  • It's a glandular problem! We all have overactive salivary glands!
  • At this rate, they estimate that by 2010, we'll completely exhaust the world's supply of elastic for pants.

    Never Abuse A Wang! - MCNBC's Jeannette Walls reports that Vera Wang is furious that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez didn't get married. J-Lo reportedly ran Wang's staff ragged, making them create her ideal $20,000 gown, then insisted she get it for free because the value of the publicity from the wedding would more than cover the cost.

  • Don't worry: J-Lo will eventually wear it to marry somebody.
  • This is absolutely the last J-Lo wedding she'll be involved in!

    The Bride Said, "Help Me, Obi-Wan Kenobi!" - William Varner and Cheryl Kilroy of Mentor, Ohio, are such "Star Wars" fans, they had a "Star Wars" wedding. The groom's mother has been sewing costumes since last February so the entire wedding party could be "Star Wars" characters, including stormtroopers for groomsmen. The ice sculptures and wedding cake were festooned with "Star Wars" characters, the wedding music was from the movie, and the couple exited beneath an arch of light sabers.

  • And then, they went off to have doubt, the groom's first time.
  • The stormtroopers were there to keep the bride from fleeing.
  • His mom went a little overboard, but then, she thought her son would NEVER get married.
  • In his toast, the best man said, "Live long and prosper," and the groom threw a plastic light saber at him.

    NOTE! On a related subject, are you a hopeless nerd who has $2 million and still can't get laid? Then you can live in the "Star Trek" apartment!

    Tall In The Saddle - Seven-foot-seven ex-NBA star Manute Bol tried Celebrity Boxing, and now he's trying another unlikely sport. He plans to become the world's tallest jockey. On October 18, he'll raise money for his native Sudan by becoming a licensed jockey with the Indiana Horse Racing Commission at a track near Indianapolis. No details were released on how he plans to race.

  • He'll ride a giraffe.
  • It could work...he may be 7-foot-7, but he only weighs about 82 pounds.
  • Manute could ride a Clydesdale and his feet would still drag the ground.