"The Velocity of Gary"

The Velocity of Gary (1998) is a dying man gay romantic comedy/tragedy. Were it not for the advance knowledge that I would see a breasts from Salma Hayek before it was over, that would have been enough to put me off watching it entirely. The story involves a triangle between Salma, bi boyfriend Vincent D'Onofrio, and his boyfriend, Thomas Jane. For most of the film, D'Onofrio is dying of aids, and Hayek and Jane were trying to find ways to be with him and not kill each other. As if all this was not enough, they decided to give Hayek aids, which she discovered at the same time she found out she was pregnant.

IMDb readers say 4.4 of 10. Ebert gives two stars, a very low score for him. Hayek is worth watching, but she was the only thing about this film that was. D.

  • Thumbnails

  • Salma Hayek (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    "White Palace"

    White Palace (1990) stars Susan Sarandon and James Spader in a romantic comedy. He is a Jewish anal retentive lawyer, she is a waitress in a greasy spoon hamburger joint, twice his age, uneducated, and a total slob. Naturally, the fall madly in lust, then love, separate, then reunite and live happily ever after. After all, that is the formula, and they didn't deviate. There were some moments, such as when Spader realizes that it is not Sarandon that is out of place with his friends, it is him. He is at a party, and discovers that the hostesses dust buster has no dust in it.

    Sarandon is a personal favorite, and she did he usual splendid job in this film, and Spader, who I usually want to slap upside the head for his smirk was not as bad as usual, but there was not enough material for a film here. However, the sex scenes between the two sizzled, and we get several looks at Sarandon's breasts.

    IMDb readers say 6.4 of 10. Ebert gave 3 1/2 stars, admiring the treatment of the May/December relationship, but loathed the ending. Were you to have me read 50 Ebert reviews and guess what his star rating was, I doubt that I would get half of them right. The correct score is C-. Those who enjoy the genre will find this one acceptable.

  • Thumbnails
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  • Susan Sarandon (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Truck Turner (1974):

    Truck Turner is one of the better known blaxploitation films from the Seventies. Isaac Hayes wrote the music, as usual, but this time he also stepped in front of the cameras as well, playing the anti-hero, Mack "Truck" Turner.

    Truck is a tough-ass skip tracer, one of those guys who tracks down the guys who skip bail. In the first act, Truck and his partner track down an abusive pimp named Gator. About 90% of the first half of the movie consists of the chase scenes as they follow Gator on foot and in their car. In the process of the capture, the pimp is finally shot and killed.

    There is then a transitional scene which sets up the rest of the film. Hoo-boy, the pimp's woman is really upset, and she's one tough "rhymes with witch", so she calls a meeting of all the pimps in Los Angeles, and promises them all that the man who kills Truck Turner can have Gator's entire stable of hookers.

    The second half of the movie basically consists of Truck defending himself against her contract, by shooting a long succession of guys wearing very silly hats. (See example on the Review Page)

    The plot development in this movie is virtually non-existent. I just told you 100% of it. After the last Huggy Bear clone bites the dust, there is an abrupt edit and we see Truck just drivin' along in his car while some cool jazz plays in the background and the credits roll.

    Of course, the intricacies of plotting have never been all that critical to this genre. When these Blaxpolitation movies work best, they feature a lot of funny trash talk, great music, and cool characters. I'd say this one was about average in all respects. Isaac and the main bad guy, played by Yaphet Kotto, were pretty cool, the music was OK but unmemorable. The trash talk was sometimes pretty funny, but there just wasn't enough of it.  Overall, it's an average genre film. I think it would have been a better film if they had cut back on the car chases and gunfights in order to make the characters more colorful and memorable.

    I suppose the most memorable thing about this movie is that it featured Star Trek's Nichelle Nichols (Uhura) in a dress that seemed to be made out of crepe paper.

    • Nichelle Nichols (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • Annik Borel (1, 2)



    Leaving Metropolis (2002):

    A handsome, struggling young artist takes a job as a waiter in a Canadian diner. The proprietors of the diner are a young married couple. Gradually, the artist turns the marriage into a love triangle.

    Now I'll bet you're thinking he seduces the wife, right?



    Leaving Metropolis is probably the Citizen Kane of gay-themed movies set in Winnipeg.

    The artist gets the hots for the husband, and this awakens hubby's latent feelings for men. After a couple of weeks and a few erotic paintings of the husband, the two of them are in bed pounding the living santorum out of one another. Also populating the cast are a tranny, a drag queen, and the usual assortment of types from the movie version of the gay subculture.

    It isn't really a "gay" film in the sense that if you take away all those extraordinary non-traditional types of people, this is just a traditional boring film about a love triangle. You could probably take the same dialogue and make the same film with all straight types, just by changing the names and sexes of the characters and making some minor edits.

    The tone is not managed well. The film couldn't decide whether it was going for comedy or drama, basically settling for neither. The tone problems were exacerbated by some of the actors (notably the husband) who were at the furniture commercial level.

    The title derives from a running theme about Superman which seemed particularly artificial and half-baked. All the characters follow Superman in the newspaper and the comic books, and their is a halfhearted attempt to relate the husband's shaky heterosexuality to the Clark Kent portion of his personality. This is based on something that must have been based on a running theme in the comics - something about Clark Kent insisting that Lois must marry him as Clark Kent before he reveals his secret identity as Supes. The script is a screen adaptation of a play called Poor Superman, which was written by the films writer/director, and I suppose all of that Superman jazz had been a more developed motif in the play. It seemed irrelevant in the movie, and it was quite a stretch to try to believe that all the characters in the story were as up to speed as they seemed to be on the latest developments in the ongoing Superman soap opera.

    • Cherilee Taylor. She was also naked quite a bit in the Canadian TV series Paradise Falls. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)




    Sharpe's Enemy (1995):

    Although I characteristically rambled on about People Magazine and the Napoleonic Wars and such fiddle-faddle in the Long Review, our guest reviewer, New York Guy, gave it one crotch up, and had the most perceptive analysis. "Hey, I got your review right here (grabs crotch) ... Liz Hurley's tits."



    Jolene Blalock:

    Back in 2001, when The Diamond Hunters appeared on cable TV as a two-part series, nobody paid much attention to it. They promoted it with purple prose like this, "Set against the background of South Africa's emerald coast and diamond mines, Diamond Hunters traces the torrid fortunes of a family unable to forgive and forget."


    In a world gone ...

    One man ...


    You get the idea. It was Dallas with diamonds instead of oil.

    The show is now a little higher on the radar since it featured some PG-13 love scenes and nudity from Jolene Blalock, who is now a semi-famous Vulcan.

    Here are three examples in .wmv format:

    1. This sex scene seems to be the real deal, dark, but with some shadowed breasts.

    2. In this apres-sex scene, Blalock gets out of bed for some dark PG-13 nudity.

    3. This one is in good light, but the nudity is obviously bogus. It's cut so ineptly that you can see the flesh-colored bandeau or whatever was covering her breasts.



    One more .wmv:



    • Charlie (French Cinema) sent in his update, but there was a glitch. Will have it up soon, as soon as I head back from him.






    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap






    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    Kim Basinger

    • Has there ever been a sexier scene than this? I think it would get my vote for the #1 spot. Basinger removing men's clothing in the rain in 9 1/2 Weeks. (.avi version.wmv version).

    • In her prime, Kim must have been one of the top ten sex goddesses. Here she is with her then-husband Alec Baldwin in the remake of The Getaway. (.avi version.wmv version).

    Still in theaters



    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmvversions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    A few quick paparazzi edits today...

    Dolly Dollar
    (1, 2)

    The ultra busty (40 1/2 D) German actress going topless scenes from 1979's "Cola, Candy, Chocolate" aka "Drei kesse Bienen auf den Philippinen".

    Anouschka Renzi
    (1, 2)

    Toplessness and thong views. Additional comments by UC99:

    Here is Anouschka Renzi performing on stage in "Peer Gynt", written in 1867 by Norwegian author Henrik Ibsen, now directed by Peter Zadek in Berlin. Just got big headlines and enthusiastic reviews.

    Beni Cardosi
    Beni Cardosi and Esperanza Roy
    Esperanza Roy
    (1, 2, 3)

    First, some caps from the Jesus Franco movie "X312-Flight to Hell". As usual there's plenty of nudity. Cardosi goes topless and the very busty Roy goes full frontal.

    Teresa Harder Topless on German TV in scenes from "Dunckel" (1999).

    Sabine Haudepin Very nice toplessness in "Max, mon amour" (1986). In this scene, she plays a hooker and tries to seduce a chimpanzee!

    Sarah Trigger A topless scene in the Don Johnson/Melanie Griffith movie "Paradise" (1991).

    First up, a new Vejiita Comic featuring Susan Ward topless in scenes from "The In Crowd".
    • Susan Ward (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Next up, scenes from the the Spanish movie "La Voz de su amo" (2001).

    • Ana Otero, topless and only wearing panties. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • Silvia Abascal, looking gorgeous in undies (links 1 and 2) then giving up all the goodies in links 3-6. #6 has the best light. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "The Osterman Weekend"
    This cold-war spy thriller from 1983 has a lot going for it, but unfortunately a lot going against it as well. The last film directed by Sam Peckinpah, from a novel by Robert Ludlum, with some pretty big-name stars, this film should have been teriffic, and parts of it were. Unfortunately, the film was uneven. While there was plenty of heart-pounding excitement, there were some lulls that made the viewer lose interest, and it never quite kept up to it's promise, although it still deserves a watch.

    The host of a TV expose show hosts a weekend for a group of friends every year. They call them "Ostermans" after one of the friends. When the C.I.A. informs him that the friends are really a cell of Soviet agents, and offers proof in the form of a video surveillance tape, he agrees to allow his home to be bugged. What he doesn't know is that the conspiracy is not exactly what was reported to him, and the C.I.A. agent has his own agenda.

    The female stars did some nice nudity, with the exception of Meg Foster. Clearly, her intent was not to do nudity, but in fact, if you look carefully, you'll see she did show a nipple in a few frames of the "dressing" scene. You couldn't really see it in motion, but it showed up clearly in the frame-by-frame.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Enough! - The New York Post's Page Six reports that the Latino community is torn over the choice of Jennifer Lopez as the first Latina actress to be interviewed on Bravo's "Inside the Actor's Studio." Fans sat she can't be a lousy actress because she's made 27 movies with big name actors and is a huge star. Detractors say she's a marginal singer/dancer whose few good movies like "Out of Sight" are "hiccups" in a string of clunkers like "Enough" and "Gigli." They say she's famous mostly for her butt and her high-profile love life, and they can't believe the Actors Studio couldn't find a more deserving interviewee.

  • Speedy Gonzalez would be a more deserving interviewee.
  • How about a compromise? She does the interview, but ten minutes into it, she dies.
  • James Lipton just wants to ask if she's still doing the nasty with Ben Affleck.

    The David Letterman Of Brussels - A Brussels, Belgium, driver was stunned to get a ticket in the mail claiming a speeding camera had clocked his Mini moving at 2,100 miles per hour, or three times the speed of sound. Police apologized, blaming a technical error.

  • They say it was really just 210 mph.
  • That should've read "2,100 KILOMETERS per hour."
  • He knows he wasn't going faster than the speed of sound because he was listening to the radio.
  • He was actually going at the Mini's top speed: 21 mph.

    Blew Up In Her Face - Thursday, a woman in Duesseldorf, Germany, was convicted of calling in a phony al-Qaeda bomb threat to the local airport to get out of going on vacation with her boyfriend. She didn't want to tell him that her parents don't approve of him, and she didn't know how to tell them she was going away with him, so she thought if the flight were canceled, it would solve all her problems. She got a two-year suspended sentence, but she faces a damage claim of $1.9 million from the airport and airlines.

  • Thank God! Now she can tell everyone she can't afford to go on vacation!
  • This is probably why her parents think she needs a man with more money.
  • She begged to go to jail, so she'd have a valid excuse not to go on vacation.