Mascara (1999) -- I have occasionally been stuck in front of a soap opera, usually in a doctors waiting room or hospital room, and sometimes wondered what would happen if you took three years of plot line, and condensed it into one feature length film with no commercials. Well, I no longer have to wonder. What you end up with is 90 minutes of sleazy soap opera plot, replete with jarring cuts from one character to another. I will admit that the nudity from Ione Skye and Amanda De Cadenet gave me something to enjoy about it, and some scenes were well photographed, but in some misguided attempt to give a cinema verite feel to the production, they not only use way too much hand held shaky cam, but intentionally messed with the focus as well. I never did figure out who the point of view (the camera man) was supposed to be, even though he even spoke in one of the opening scenes.
Any way you look at it, this is a mess. Just like a soap, more happens to these three women in 14 months than would happen to 100 women in 10 years. I never felt like I really knew any of the characters. And the film was too episodic to create any tension. The big surprise that ended the film was telegraphed in a very early scene. BROAD HINT!!! What do you call a woman who suddenly vomits all the time for no good reason? Now lets not always see the same hands. Yes, Pregnant.
I can't give much credence to this as a softcore. Even though it has a lot of nudity, they cut away for the sex scenes. As a drama, it is an F. I suppose, over all, it is a D.
Amanda De Cadenet
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
The Initiation (1984)
Scoop's comments in white:
The initiation is an 80s-style teen slasher film with college kids
locked in a mall overnight with an insane killer. You know, the
The fact that it is a teen slasher
movie is, incredibly enough, the good news.
The bad news is that it is not a good
The deaths are neither creative nor
grisly, and often take place off camera. The dead bodies are used as
props to scare the audience by surprising those characters who are
still still alive. It's the ol' "open the closet and a dead friend
falls out" trick.
The solution to the basic
"psychological mystery" is one that is completely obvious to
everyone except the characters in the film. Let's see, a twentyish
girl has had recurring nightmares since age nine, and doesn't
remember anything before that time. When she's analyzed in a dream
monitoring lab, her brain waves are atypical for a dream state - as
if she weren't "inventing" the dream. Now it should be obvious to
you that her dream is not a series of imaginary images, but
real ones, and that her dream is actually a repressed memory from
the period of early childhood which she can't remember. It may be
obvious to you, but it was not obvious to the guy writing his Ph.D
about dream analysis.
The solution to the "murder mystery"
is even worse. Two words: "evil twin".
It's filled with sub-par acting
performances, even by the lackadaisical standards of teen slasher
In short, the fully dressed portion
of the entertainment is not really watchable. It's not very scary,
or very grisly, or very mysterious, or very professional.
On the T&A side, there isn't much,
but what there is is definitely worth watching, namely the full
monty from future soap opera star Hunter Tylo, then known as Deborah
Morehart. (Long story condensed: her real name is Deborah Jo Hunter,
Morehart is her first husband's name, Tylo is her second husband's
There is only one good reason to watch this movie,
and you are about to see it
Hunter Tylo (1,
Daphne Zuniga. No real nudity. (Geez, I had a
crush on her. And I was already in my thirties)
Scoop's notes in white:
"Nor I You"
In The Last Tycoon, the hands-on martinet of a studio boss makes one
of his directors re-shoot a lengthy, complex, expensive scene
between two superstars because one of the characters responds "nor I
you" to a line something like "I'll never forget you, kid". His
point was that although it is perfectly possible to construct and to
understand that expression, its use is purely hypothetical. In the
entire history of the English language, nobody has ever actually
said that in such a situation.
Somebody should make director/writer
Alan Rudolph watch that scene, because all of his characters talk
like that. Nick Nolte plays a handyman in this film. I don't know
how to imagine a more down-to-earth guy than Nick Nolte as a
handyman. Maybe Art Carney as Ed Norton, or Billy Bob Thornton as a
convenience store manager. Yet, although it is Nolte and he's fixin'
stopped-up drains, he's firin' out subtle double entendres, bon mots,
and "nor I yous" faster than Oscar Wilde on dexadrine. You'd think
it was William F. Buckley playing to a big crowd in the final debate
tournament of his senior year at Yale. In what is essentially a four
character stage play, the other three main characters in this film
all speak as pretentiously, as poetically, and as wittily as Nolte.
I hate that kind of artificial crap.
And you know what? I liked this
Furthermore, the plot is something
out of the most contrived 18th century French sex farce. A beautiful
young woman wants a child and her aloof, successful husband is
un-cooperative. Not to mention a total rearvent. Although it seems
obvious that her marriage is completely fucked, her biological clock
is ticking, so she vows to have a child by the next guy who walks in
the door. A craggy, aging handyman walks in. True to her vow, she
He's married, but his marriage is
also fucked up, because of something that is revealed gradually, so
he starts to get involved with the naive, sweet, beautiful young
housewife. Soon his wife and her husband decide to spy on their
mates. Needless to say, in the course of spying, the spouses run
into one another, and become romantically involved, although Jonny
Lee Miller was 25 years old, Julie Christie 56 at the time. They go
away for a weekend. Their unfaithful spouses know nothing of it.
I hate that kind of artificial crap
And I don't much care for static,
talky four character stage plays, either.
And you know what? I still liked this
I liked it partially because people
approached and pulled away from one another in realistic ways. The
relationship between Christie and Miller was an especially
interesting one to watch. He pursues, she retreats, then she
advances, he retreats, etc.
Most of all, I liked it because the script gradually
pulled away all of the superficial layers of the characters, or at
least as many as possible, and got deep inside of what was really
wrong with them and their marriages in the first place. Then the film
let these characters express some absolute and genuine anguish on
screen. That is quite amazing to see inside of something that begins
as a sex farce with Wildean dialogue.
I have hidden some important
sub-plots from you so as not to spoil your journey into their
psyches, or the resolution of their dilemma. I recommend the film,
warts and all. There were times when this damned film irritated the
hell out of me, but there was something about it that touched me
eventually, and when it reached me, my connection to it lingered.
I guess it was the afterglow.
- Lara Flynn Boyle (1,
Model Camilla Thorson, topless.. OK, so it's in Swedish. Just
click on the little pics of breasts and you'll get big pics of
breasts - and very nice ones, at that. The international joy of
Cameron Crowe fires Ashton Kutcher because ... well, because he
Scary Movie 4 to be about superheroes.
The Mirror details the charges against Jacko: "Jackson, 45, is
accused of oral sex, mutual masturbation and inappropriate sexual
touching." Of a cancer victim.
Don’t gas and gab on the cell phone: good advice or urban legend?
The ten most popular out-of-print books
Summary of AFI Fest 2003: Quality International Films Invade
Uncle Melon's own Paris Hilton Secret Sex Tape. The good uncle
banged both Hilton sisters at once. Pretty good for a guy whose
high school yearbook picture was captioned "checkers club, future
losers of America".
A study backed by the European Union on the rise of anti-Semitism
has been shelved after officials decided that its findings were
'too controversial'. They ordered the study, hand-picked the
researchers, then rejected their findings.
Stewart Becomes An Egghead: Captain Picard was announced as the
next Chancellor of Yorkshire's Huddersfield University. Bill
Shatner was simultaneously named Dean of the Bartender's College.
Both are considered candidates to replace Sy Sperling as President
of the Hair Club for Men.
2003 This Year in Baseball Awards View film clips and vote for
your favorites in nine different categories. This one is "most
The Cat in the Hat is #1 at the box, with a $40 million opening
weekend. The Matrix Revolutions nosedived, and will finish
with a gross only about half that of the previous Matrix film.
How major corporations depend on porn for profits.
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
- Irčne Jacob, the French actress showing off gorgeous breast and bum views in scenes from "The Big Brass Ring" (1999).
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
'Caps and comments by Oz:
"Room to Rent"
There is topless nudity by some unnamed women making a porno in Room to Rent. Juliette Lewis keeps her clothes on but is very sexy, and Flaminia Cinque plays another porno actress.
"House II - The Second Story"
It was only PG rated so there's not a lot of nudity in House II - The Second Story. Good pokies by Amy Yasbeck and sexy caps of Devin Devasquez, Jayne Modean and Lar Park-Lincoln.
"No Night is Too Long"
Topless caps of Mikela J Mikael in No Night is Too Long.
"Truth or Dare"
Topless caps of Helen Baxendale in Truth or Dare and cleavage by Susan Lynch.
"The Possession of Joel Delaney"
More topless caps, this time of Barbara Trentham in The Possession of Joel Delaney.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
"Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life"
A big fan of the first Lara Croft movie, I was fully prepared to be disappointed in the sequel, and I was. The movie lost it's video game roots, and in the process, lost some of it's appeal.
It's not so much that it's bad it just isn't nearly as good. Lara searches for the mythical Pandora's Box to protect the world from a maniac who would use the box to destroy the world.
While the movie has plenty of action, it isn't as sexy and exciting as the original, and it will disappoint many, especially those that liked the first one.
|You've seen this UK actress playing Helen of Troy on TV, on the big screen in "Love Actually", and you'll see her in the upcoming movie "Resident Evil: Apocalypse". But for now, here she is topless and dancing around in her undies in scenes from "The Principles of Lust" (2003). 'Caps by Johnny Moronic.
||'Caps and comments by RoSSol:
Here's a topless Elsa Saisio in scenes from this year's top Finnish box-office success "Pahat pojat" (transl. Bad Boys, but no Will Smith!).
|Cleavage, see-thru unides, topless and full frontal nudity in scenes from "Grazie nonna" (1975). Thanks to UC99.
|Another Vejiita comic featuring Alexandra showing breasts, bum and gyno-views in scenes from "A Real Young Girl".
|The Skin-man catches the UK actress baring breasts and giving up a far off frontal view in scenes from "The War Bride" (2001). You can see her on the big screen in the upcoming movie "Timeline".