Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


Somebody made a sweet clip of that BBC2 show "Bodies," which I have never seen. Here's Hannah Yelland's sexy scene. (Zipped .wmv)


Satan's Little Helper (2004):

Although this movie was lensed in 2003 and made its debut at the toney Tribeca Festival in NYC, it is not a high-minded parable about guilt and religion, but a retro-classic horror film about a homicidal maniac, ala Halloween and Friday XIII, complete with macabre humor, gratuitous T&A, and a high body count. Part of the explanation for that apparent incongruity resides in the fact that the director is Jay Lieberman, whose other films were all made in the period 1976-1987. You read that right - it's been nearly 20 years since he made a film!

The movie's equivalent of Michael Meyers/Jason Voorhees is "Satan Man," who possesses all the characteristics of the 80s-style homicidal maniacs except the back story. Since he is the silent type, and nobody seems to know who he really is, the only thing we really learn about him is that he showed up on an island community on Halloween wearing a Satan mask. The very concept of Halloween allows him to wander around in a grotesque costume without attracting any attention, and the convivial spirit of the holiday causes people to invite him into their homes and parties, often mistaking him for one of their friends or family members. When people get too close to his trail, he simply places the Satan disguise on one of his victims, thus making his pursuers think he is dead, then continues his murderous adventures disguised as Jesus!

The "little helper" portion of the title refers to a lil' "trick or treater," a naive boy about ten years old, who is dressed up for Halloween as the title character in his favorite video game, "Satan's Little Helper." Imagine his joy when he finds a new friend disguised as his master. He turns out to be a perfect apprentice for Satan, all the while thinking that he's playing an adventure game. The kid and his family get milked for the maximum value in irony and grotesque humor. Late in the film, when the boy prays to God to forgive him for helping Satan, the doorbell rings immediately, and who should be there but Jesus himself! It's obviously a miracle, so the boy willingly rejoins the maniac for another grotesque round of nocturnal games. One of the film's funnier concepts involves Satan Man's decision to take the boy's mom (Amanda Plummer) to a party as his date. He uses plastic wrap to gag her mouth she can't communicate, and to bind her arms and legs to prevent escape. The drunken revelers think her wacky post-modern mummy costume (she's Carmen Miranda underneath the cling-wrap) is the life of the party, so they are amused and distracted by her spastic attempts to communicate, while Satan Man is filling their punch with toxic chemicals.

If anyone ever gets to see this, it could become a cult classic, even a franchise. It is filmed in glorious, bright, saturated colors to give it a and ironically cheerful look, and it looks just about as good as a B-movie is ever going to look. It has its scary moments, some mild gore, some bare breasts, and a lot of humor. I enjoyed the film, although Halloween clones are not normally among my favorite types of movies, because it is very heavy on the morbid humor, allowing to it exist simultaneously as 80s slasher fare and a parody of same. It isn't as serious as Halloween or as silly as Scary Movie, but strikes a workable balance between them.

A special tip o' the fun house hat to Melisa McGregor (below) who only had about ten lines, but was completely charming, created and stayed in a credible character, "sold" her death scene, got naked, and showed a very shapely booty in the process.

Crimson Ghost

Captures and comments from the Ghost.

Today, the women of Boulevard

Kari Wuhrer

Rae Dawn Chong

Katie Griffin


'Zipped .avis and comments by ICMS

Today we take a closer look at 3 actresses from the 1974 movie "Le Trio Infernal", starring Michel Piccoli and Romy Schneider. The film relates the criminal shenanigans of Georges Sarret (Michel Piccoli), his lady-friend Philomène Schmidt (Romy Schneider), and her sister Catherine (Mascha Gonska) - together, "the infernal trio."  Before teaming up with the sisters, Georges was originally a shady lawyer who financed his extravagant lifestyle by pulling off life insurance scams, but as a team the trio resorted to more violent ways to acquire money, and they end up killing two people who they later dissolve in a bath tub!

It may be interesting to know that this film is actually based on real-life events that happened at the end of the 1920's in Marseilles.  Here is an interesting link to the real people and events. Unfortunately, the verbiage is only available in French, but the pictures should be enough to convince you that the film characters look far better than their real-life counterparts! In the film the younger sister ends up dead after a nasty fall, but the film is otherwise open-ended, whereas in real life this wasn't the case at all. The trio finally had to stand trial. Georges Sarret was given the death sentence, which was carried out in public outside the prison walls in Aix-en-Provence in 1934. The two sisters came off with a lighter sentence, not even close to the 10 years the prosecutor had asked for.

The movie itself was interesting during the first half, until the end of the "dissolving scene", which certainly constitutes the highlight. After that point, it became repetitious and ever slower in pace, so that I felt relieved when the end credits finally started rolling.

T&A review:

  • In the most gruesome scene of the film, Andréa Ferréol is one of the victims and we see her dead, covered in blood and getting stripped to prepare her for her bath. Be warned, this is certainly not a scene for the faint of heart.
  • The lawyer is romantically involved with both sisters, sometimes ending up in bed with both of them together. Mascha Gonska as the younger sister shows the most skin of the two. (1, 2, 3)
  • In the main feature Romy Schneider remains modestly topless only ... (1, 2)
  • ... but in the trailer she shows a bit more in a scene that is not in the film.

PS. It's perfectly safe to drive over the Millau Viaduct, otherwise yours faithfully wouldn't be typing these words. And it is indeed impressive.


'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today we have Michelle von Flotow with some T & A from a horrible movie "Kept" which you should avoid like the plague. In a switch Michelle has a "Guy in Bondage"in the last cap.
The ol' Time Machine goes back to 1965 for "The Smut Peddler" a B & W cheapie from that era which features unknown topless babes. For you young folks this is what us old-timers had to rely on for our thrills in those long ago days before the internet.


 Three new pics of 1990s supermodel Frederique
 Evangeline Lilly bikini paparazzi
Retro Kylie Minogue tribute, Part 2
 Angela Bettis in Carrie
 Polish skin queen Kasia Figura in the immortal cinema classic, "Ga, Ga"
 Lauren Hutton 70-71 retro. Little Fauss and Big Halsey (left), and Permette? (right)
Michaela Mann in Carrie
 Zia McCabe of the Dandy Warhols in DiG!
Naomi Campbell backstage at revealing runway gig
 Jewel's jewels
Movie Reviews


Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

Slideshow of the Mississippi coast two days after Katrina

Padres cause looks hopeless after ace Peavy gets rocked. They did come back a bit against the Redbird middle relievers, but they looked hapless against Carpenter, while Peavy had nothin'.

White Sox rock Clement, place BoSox in a hole.

Louis Black - "Back in Black: Relief Money" "By rebuilding casinos, we're giving those who haven't already lost their homes the chance to do so."

The Daily Show investigates how supervising judges in an Arabian horse show prepares one to head FEMA.

Nipsey Russell now is dead /further poems left unsaid. Burma Shave.

Cameron Crowe cuts 12 minutes from Elizabethtown.

"The Two Ronnies" to be re-named in light of inflation and, of course, death.

This is not a satire site. It comes from the ABC science division: Scientists have taught dolphins to sing the Batman theme.


President Bush's Statement Gently Distancing Himself From Bill Bennett's Impeccably Virtuous Solution to the "Negro Problem" (WHITEHOUSE.ORG)

Bush to balance budget with lemonade stand on White House lawn. The $32 billion no-bid contract to build the stand has been awarded to ...

Satan Sues Oprah for Breach of Contract

This week's expanded movies (from 1000 screens to 1800): The Greatest Game Ever Played - 63% positive reviews. (The Disney golf movie.)

This week's movies (900 screens): The Gospel - no reviews on file. WTF? I first heard of this PG film ten minutes ago.

This week's movies (1560 screens): Waiting... - no reviews on file.

  • Not one review? That doesn't sound like a good sign. In fact, it leads me to suspect that the film sucks. Ryan Reynolds is one funny guy, and lowbrow comedies are hot, so if the film were really funny, wouldn't they want to get some reviews out there from potentially friendly critics?

This week's movies (2350 screens): Two For The Money - 33% positive reviews. This is the Pacino film that looks very much like The Devil's Advocate.

This week's movies (2850 screens): In Her Shoes - 70% positive reviews. A multi-tissue weepfest. Hey, women also go to movies.

This week's movies (3000 screens): Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - 100% positive reviews. I had no intention of seeing this, but the reviews are not merely positive, but delirious, to wit:

  • "Nearly bursting with wit"
  • "Deliciously eccentric and witty ...with its deft humour and unique touches, [it] is an inspired adventure for every age"
  • "A witty and wonderful clay-animated comedy that is a charmer from start to finish with its two endearing antiheroes and its clever puns and wry references to other movies."
  • "a pure delight"

The Weekend Warrior makes his box office predictions for this weekend

  • He thinks that Wallace and Gromit will take the top spot, with In Her Shoes close on its heels.
  • He expects Serenity to drop off the map, even losing to two films it beat last week. That does make sense to me. I suppose all the Firefly fans have already seen it.
  • He predicts a #4 spot for Two for the Money (Pacino/McConaughey), and #9 for Waiting.
  • He may be underestimating the power of Waiting to attract the youth market. My son and his friends are champing at the bit for this movie, and lowbrow comedies have been the surprise powerhouses of this year. On the other hand, as noted above, there are unfavorable auspices for this movie.

Once again, Conan talks to the Clutch Cargo version of President Bush

Nine clips and a featurette from Tony Scott's Domino


From our "department of obvious observations" - Hugh Grant looks like a "butch lesbian." Actually, he's not that butch.

Sharon Stone defends Kate Moss over alleged cocaine 'mistake'

  • "US film star Sharon Stone defended Kate Moss over recent allegations that the twig-thin British model took cocaine, saying she did the right thing by apologizing and everybody should be allowed a mistake ..."
  • Like Manson, for example. If he would just say he's really sorry and promise to try not to kill any more people - and really mean it - none of that tricky "crossing his fingers" jazz - we should give the poor guy a break.

The world's least-alike twins

One possible explanation for why the Chicago Bears suck. One of many.


2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour - Day 17 : Carolina Panthers.

Some things in life need a little hands-on inspection. So when an old college friend called me on Saturday and asked if I could get my butt to Charlotte for the Monday Night match-up against Brett Favre and the Packers, how could I refuse? The return to my old stomping grounds to see my beloved Panthers and the TopCats was fantastic, but it put the 2005 Tour back a day. Traveling from Tampa to Charlotte and back again this morning, along with a Brett Favre comeback, made more than a few hairs turn gray. A few cups of coffee and another look at the Carolina Top Cats has brought me back from the walking dead.

Since 1996, these lovely ladies have been roaming the sidelines in Charlotte, but the current squad looks like it is a rebuilding mode, with nineteen girls in their first or second season. This squad has a lot of new faces, and the loss of 2004 beauties like Carly, hurts the team. Time will tell if the rookies, such as Megan, have what it takes to live up to the rep of fan favorite and veteran (and mechanical engineer!) Jenny.

The website has a lot of potential, but the webmaster should look at some other sites and tie all of the loose ends together. The roster page makes it easy for users to find out more information on their favorite TopCat, but the group photo is on the small side, and the bios are a bit lacking compared to other teams. The bios only include two photos. There should be more. The photo gallery features some great pictures, but most of these pictures are from last season. Auditions, community work, team calendar? The TopCats do these things, but you have to go outside of the Cheerleader section to find any evidence of them. Pictures of these happen to be in the Fan Zone section. Here are some great shots from the calendar. Why are these not in the TopCats section?

This is the cheerleading squad of my favorite team, but I have to admit that they are in the middle of the pack.

Rating 7.5 out of 10.

GALLUP: Nearly Half of Americans Think U.S. Will Soon Have a Woman President. Of course, most of them thought Geena Davis was the current president.

Tampa Bay analysts conclude it is nearly as ill-prepared for a hurricane as N'awlins

The Daily Show: "As Texas Lottery Commissioner Harriet Miers brought sanity to the Crazy 8's Scratch n' Match."

The Daily Show: "When the president says he talks to his generals, we guess he means 'not about Iraq.'"

Will there be more NFL games outside the USA? Well, there will be several more in San Antonio. Does that count?

Taking Advantage Of Technology - the Beer Can Padlock Shim

A complete list of neologisms created by The Simpsons

Conan O'Brien's latest quotables:

  • "In a recent interview, Courtney Love says that now that she's over 40 she's decided not to flash her breasts in public anymore. Courtney's exact words were, 'From now on, I'm all about the crotch.'"
  • "'Us Weekly' is reporting that Ashton Kutcher cried during his wedding to Demi Moore. When asked about it, Moore said, 'Of course Ashton cried. He's teething.'"
  • "It's been announced that Elton John has written a new Broadway musical. A spokesperson for the musical said now that Elton John is involved, Broadway can finally start attracting some gay fans."

Internet search giant Yahoo will make books available for reading online.

  • "Yahoo is not scanning copyrighted works, as Google did before publishers called foul and it temporarily stopped. Instead, Yahoo is paying for the scanning of older, out of print titles and making them searchable through the Yahoo index and a new website at"

30GB Web Mail Launches Into Beta

  • "However, many users are wary of the service, its privacy policy and terms of service. One user called the service 'shady' and stated 'the ToS/Eula is amazingly short'. The service is currently in beta and, mimicking Google's GMail service, it requires an invite to gain access to the service. Like other services that have popped up on the internet promising gigs worth of email we don't expect it to last longer than a few months so grab an invite whilst you can."

Pat Reeder

Pat's comments in yellow:

Michael Brown Wasn't Available? - Monday, President Bush passed over well-known conservative judges to nominate White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court.  The former head of the Texas Lottery, Miers has never been a judge and has no record of decisions.  Some conservatives fear that her previous support for such things as women in combat and an international criminal court
means she'll be another David Souter. Others said they trust Bush that she is a strict constructionist, an Evangelical Christian and, as he once said, a "pit bull in size six shoes."

*  Well, at least we know she's not another Janet Reno.
*  There's something for everybody to hate, even cat lovers.
*  It's a choice that's like the state lottery: nobody wins.
*  It's not Bush's fault: nobody told him he was allowed to look outside the building.
*  Miers told Bush she'd never been a judge before, but he said, "Heck, I'd  never been president before, and look how well that's worked out!"

You'll Save Peanuts - Monday, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman urged Americans to conserve fuel for the coming winter by turning down the thermostat and driving slower.  He also announced a new Bush Administration campaign called "Easy Ways to Save Energy," and said he'll travel the country to promote energy conservation.  The campaign even has a mascot: a cartoon pig named the "Energy
Hog."  Some critics called it reminiscent of the 1970s, when Jimmy Carter was mocked for asking people to turn down their thermostats while wearing a cardigan sweater on TV.

*  Unfortunately, most viewers just thought he was Mr. Rogers.
*  But Jimmy Carter didn't have a cool cartoon sidekick!
*  Hey, we didn't elect a bunch of Texas oil men just to tell us not to waste oil!
*  He'll travel the country on a big private jet to tell us not to waste fuel.
*  Bush's #1 Easy Way to Save Energy: "Turn off Air America."

Scrambled Eggs, No Tossed Salad - Surprisingly for such a liberal town, the Seattle City Council on Monday approved some of the strictest adult entertainment regulations in the US, including bans on lap dancing and putting tips in dancers' G-strings.  Girls must put out tip jars and stay four feet from patrons, and the lights have to be at least parking-garage brightness.  One club owner complained that "For the most part, the attraction's gone."

*  Seeing a stripper in bright light will do that.
*  Who wants to go to a G-rated G-string club?
*  Even the Space Needle seems to be drooping...But it still has to be covered in a giant condom.
*  The new town slogan is "What happens in Seattle...well, nothing happens in  Seattle."
*  And for health reasons, the dancers have to wear rain coats, to keep from  catchin' their death o' cold!

Ice Ice Baby - Russia's Moskovsky Komsomolets newspaper reports that Vitaly Matyukhin suffered heatstroke and developed a rare condition called "heat exchange disorder."  Now, he becomes overheated if he's exposed to temperatures over 5 degrees C. (41 degrees F.)  He can only go out when it's below freezing, so he moved to Siberia and turned his house into a refrigerator.  Unfortunately, his wife Olga said she couldn't stand the cold, and she and his son walked out on him.

*  They just left him cold ... and he liked that.
*  His wife was tired of the cold shoulder...and other very cold parts of him.
*  The next time you complain about your husband's cold feet in bed, remember, it could be worse.
*  He signed up for a British dating website, to find a frigid woman.
*  He should've moved to America and become the mascot for Bush's "Turn down the thermostat" campaign.

Those Snooping Dogs! - Tanya Anderson, a disabled single mom in Oregon, says the record industry tried to coerce hundreds of thousands of dollars from her over a false charge of downloading gangsta rap, which she doesn't even like. So she's countersuing the RIAA for fraud, invasion of privacy, abuse of legal process and other charges.  She says they have bullied over 13,500 people into giving them access to their private computers to farm for information, then demanded huge sums on threat of devastating lawsuits.  Her suit says this is
racketeering, under the federal RICO statute used to fight organized crime.

*  Now, how could gangsta rap possibly be associated with organized crime?
*  I always knew the music industry was a racket.
*  She hates rackets...That's why she doesn't like rap music.
*  Sure, their tactics are brutal, immoral and possibly illegal, but the music executives really NEED cocaine money!

He Called Her "Ralph Kramden" - In Ayr, England, vacationing bus driver Tracy Adams had been drinking heavily when she got passionate with her boyfriend in the front seat of his Peugeot.  But he mistakenly called her by the wrong  name, and she angrily chased him off.  Adams then used her cell phone to take topless photos of herself to "show him what he was missing."  That's when the police arrived.  She was arrested for drunk driving, fined and lost her license and her job.  Her boyfriend said it wasn't fair: she was only in the driver's
seat because it slides back, and "with the size of her," she was too cramped in  the passenger seat.

*  Once that bra was unhooked, she needed a lot more room.
*  "With the size of her"?  Boy, this guy sure knows how to sweet-talk a woman!
*  If you saw the topless photos, you'd know it's a miracle she could fit  into a Peugeot at all.
*  After the photos hit the Internet, bus passengers demanded she get her job back.

REACH For A Beer! Stretch, Stretch!... - The health club industry reports
that people over 55 now make up a quarter of all gym memberships, and clubs are
targeting aging baby boomers who want to be healthy but don't want to be around
young hardbodies showing off.  To attract older members, gyms are replacing
"Greek god" models in their ads with older, regular people; letting clients
design their own workout regimens; and adding daytime low-impact courses, such as
walking, water aerobics and chair aerobics.

*  They call that machine "The Chairmaster."
*  Call me when they invent "Recliner aerobics."
*  To get six-pack abs, you now sit in a chair and drink a six-pack.
*  Sitting in a chair, designing your own workout regimen...Say, isn't that how they got fat in the first place?
*  What if the really old guys are only coming to the gym to be around young hardbodies?

That's His Beef - Young actor Shia LeBeouf publicly called on celebrities to stop giving their kids weird names.  He said he was teased mercilessly because of his name, which means "thank God for beef," and demanded of celebrities, "Name your kids Billy and Timmy!  What is the problem with that?!"

*  The problem is that Scout, Rumor, China and Moon Unit will tease them mercilessly.
*  Apparently, Nicolas Cage didn't get the  message: his rep announced that Cage's wife just had a baby boy named "Kal-el," after Superman's birth name on Krypton. With a name like that, he'd BETTER have super powers.

"Dr. Yes" - Researchers from Australia's University of Sydney studied 87 popular adult-oriented Hollywood movies of the past 20 years and found they do not convey responsible messages.  Movies such as 007 flicks and "Basic Instinct" are filled with depictions of unsafe sex, drug use, smoking and drinking, but never mention any possible negative consequences.  They said Hollywood movies send the message that negative health behaviors are safe and normal.  For instance, out of 53 sex scenes, only one, in Julia Roberts' "Pretty Woman,"
suggested condom use.

*  (CAREFUL!)  But that made sense, since Julia Roberts was a skanky whore who had to have sex with Richard Gere.
*  That's right: "Pretty Woman" is the most realistic movie about  prostitution that Hollywood's ever made.
*  "Basic Instinct" showed the negative consequences of unsafe sex: you get  stabbed with an ice pick.
*  Personally, the day James Bond puts on a nicotine patch, orders a Fresca and refuses to have sex without a condom is the day I quit going to movies.

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