"Jaws"

Jaws is definitely a little dated, and the effects could be done much better today, but, largely because of Spielberg's direction, and the performances of Robert Shaw and Richard Dreyfuss, it still works for me. I couldn't resist tackling these difficult images.

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Susan Backlinie (1, 2, 3, 4)

"I'll Never Forget What's 'isname"

I'll Never Forget What's 'isname was released in 1967. It features a glimpse of a nipple from a very young Marianne Faithfull. She was also the first to use the f-word in film in this role. The movie is highly rated by Maltin, and the 12 people who have voted at IMDB also score it highly. An advertising executive wakes up one morning, and decides he has had enough of the rat-race and chops up his desk with an ax. He then proceeds to leave the job, his wife, and all three mistresses, and go back to work for a small and failing magazine owned by one of his Cambridge classmates. He falls in love with a secretary there, and life is looking up. then his old boss buys the magazine, and tries to force our hero into making an award winning commercial. To get even, he makes a commercial that "tells the truth." This could well have been part of the inspiration for "Crazy People" (1990) with Dudley Moore as Dudley Moore.

The period is the tail end of the "mod" scene, and some of the costuming is very colorful. There are some genuinely funny moments, and Oliver Reed turned in a very good performance as the advertising exec Andrew Quint.

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Marianne Faithfull (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Onegin" (2000)

I am really tired of wading through R movies that should be rated G. There was more sex in "The Little Mermaid". More plot as well.

This movie was just in general theater release in April, which should give you an idea of how appealing it was. It was produced for a $14 million budget, and pulled in a whopping domestic gross of $183,000.

It is a beautifully photographed costume drama, and a complete snooze-fest.

Here's why, in my opinion. I don't blame the filmmaker, but the source material. Russians consider Pushkin to be their greatest writer, their Shakespeare. The rest of the world has taken to Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, but has never embraced Pushkin, for a very identifiable reason. Tolstoy's sweeping grandeur and Dostoevsky's merciless probing of the human soul can be translated into any culture. Tolstoy's genius was story-telling, and he had the spectacle of the Napoleonic Wars to work with. Dostoevsky's genius was a genuine insight into the human heart, and the questions he asked are universal. You don't need to understand Russian or Russians to appreciate those two writers.

But Pushkin was a novelist who wrote in verse, and his genius was with the manipulation of the written language. He virtually originated modern Russian, and he can be compared to Shakespeare as a wordsmith. The problem is that you can't translate that into English unless you can find a translator as good at English as Pushkin was at Russian, and who also can translate both the Russian verbiage and the Russian cultural experience into something understandable to us. So we are left with English versions written by someone with far less than Pushkin's talent, I suppose. Either that or Pushkin really sucked, and I doubt that was the case. I trust the Russians who praise him, even though no hint of that genius resides in the translations.

Now, strip away Pushkin's verbal artistry, and what is left? He was an aristocrat whose life consisted of gambling and flirting. He was neither a deep thinker nor an interesting storyteller. Without the poetry, here's what Onegin consists of: a gambling, philandering aristocrat pushes away the woman whom he later realizes to be his one true love. He goes to reclaim her years later, finds that she always loved him as well, but she is a good and faithful woman who will do nothing to hurt her husband, and she tells Onegin to hit the highway. He's crushed. End of story.

How to make this work as a movie. Without the poetry, the filmmaker has nothing too powerful to work with, so the only sensible alternative is to try to replace the verbal poetry with visual poetry. Martha Fiennes wisely realized this, and brought alive a vivid visual verse-novel in the tradition of the great northern European filmmakers. Give her credit for doing what she could do. But that's all she could do. Take away the striking visuals, and there's nothing there. A very tedious movie, although one not without artistic merit. Since the strength of the movie lies in its landscapes and visuals, it is really not worthwhile to watch on a small screen. Skip it unless it is revived in a local art theater.

Other thoughts:

Liv Tyler will surprise you, or I should say she surprised me. She is remarkably good in presenting the aristocratic carriage and speech. Ralph Fiennes is awarded the William Hurt lifetime ennui award for possessing the correct combination of genuine talent, striking good looks, and embalming fluid. Is this guy humorless or what? Compared to Fiennes, Jeremy Irons could qualify for the lead in Ace Ventura 3.

I've always told Elya that it's actually easy for a Russian to make the move to Texas, because they are the two places in the world where the entire culture is based on wearing very large hats.

Since I thought this was quite a beautifully photographed movie, and beauty is an important part of our purpose here (although less important than nudity, humor, and making fun of Kevin Costner), I included some non-nude portraits, landscape captures, and a thumbnail sheet, ala Tuna, just to give you a little feel for it. They are the frames I would have used in the collages if there had been any reason to make a collage. I wish there had been, because they would have been striking.

Thumbnails Onegin (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Ali Larter

Amanda Marcum

Kristy Hinze

Michelle Ray

Jane Krakowski

Unfortunately I lack the skill to remove the text however if there is someone out there who can please feel free to edit the pics as long as you post in the Fun House!

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady (resembling Aunt Bea) in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".

ACTUAL DOCTOR GRAMMAR
* The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

* The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

* Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

* The skin was moist and dry.

* Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

* The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

* She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

* Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

* The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

* I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

* The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

* Examination reveals a well developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

* Patient was alert and unresponsive.

* When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

* The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

* Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

The Queen and the Pope

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration of the Anglo- Irish accords. The crowd is huge - thousands. Her Majesty and His Holiness, can't help but have a little rivalry, both being heads of churches and all.

The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal- gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice. They will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slaps her.