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"Desert Saints"

Desert Saints (2002) is a direct to cable then Vid that calls itself a thriller, and is the story of a hit man (Kiefer Sutherland) and the woman (Melora Walters) he hires to help him with a hit. As the film opens, we see Sutherland check into a Mexican hotel with his wife, whom we don't see, in what is actually a scene near the end of the movie. Then we start with him killing and burying his female partner, the feds who are out to arrest him finding the body, and his recruiting Walters. We them replay the enter the hotel scene, but, this time, show him with Walters. This is at about the 20 minute mark. At this point, you can safely cut to the last 5 minutes, where we see the full version of the entering the hotel scene, then the aftermath, where they pull off a surprise ending, and then another after the screen goes black for the credits. The only thing you would miss is the breast exposure from Walters, first through a partially open bathroom door, where we never see her face, and then in a long but boring sex scene with Sutherland.

IMDB readers have this at 6.2 of 10. I am a big fan of thrillers, but am also very critical when I feel they are badly done, and the narrative structure of this one robbed most of the possible suspense. Even the surprise ending wasn't that surprising. Genre fans will be able to enjoy it. C.

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  • Melora Walters (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

    "The Moderns"

    The Moderns (1988) is billed as a drama by IMDB, but I see it as more of a comedy. It is set in Paris in the 1920's, among the "lost generation." In fact, minor characters include Ernest Hemingway, Gertrude Stein, and Alice B. Toklas, although names are all they have in common with the real members of the lost generation. The story concerns a painter who is commissioned to paint three forgeries for a woman who is leaving her husband, and wishes to keep the originals. The Cezzane works he is to copy are thought to be impossible to forge, but he does it, then the husband dies, and his customer welches on the money. When he refuses to give her back the originals, she breaks into his studio, but steals the fakes by mistake. He then decides to sell the originals to none other than his wife's husband. What, you say?

    Well, Linda Fiorentino is married to a rather obnoxious art collector who made his money in condoms, but never bothered divorcing the artist (Keith Carradine). Way too much screen time is taken up in this art scam, which was far less interesting than the period it was set in. The scene that bothered me most was near the end, as Carradine and his close friend Wallace Shawn, a gossip columnist, are about to head back to America. Hemingway is spouting one liners to amuse himself, and says "Paris is a transportable banquet." Someone turns to him and says, work on that. I think you have something there. I felt like I was watching Mr. Peebody and the "wayback machine" from Rocky and Bullwinkle. It was alluding, of course, to Hemingway's novel, "Paris, a Moveable Feast." Clearly, this was their idea of humor, and the film was full of it. Stein was portrayed as a bitter egotist, and Toklas as her mindless gopher, while Hemingway was a wining drunk, and not very bright.

    Fiorentino shows breasts, buns and very brief bush in two sex scenes, both involving a bath tub. There is also anonymous nudity in a street scene, and in a cafe. IMDB readers say 6.2 of 10. Ebert said a lot of critical things about the film, then awarded 3 stars. It was beautifully shot, but a rather tedious watch for me at 126 minutes. If it is your kind of film, you will probably like it. C.

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  • Linda Fiorintino (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Movies and DVD stuff


    Don't Look Now. Virtually every movie made from 1967 to1974 is awful, even the ones that won awards. That's because the movies of that day didn't succeed based upon merit, but upon ideology. If the film had the right politics, it could get made and would become popular. If the director had the right politics, the film could get made, and would be praised by the critics and industry insiders. If both cases held true, the film got Oscar nominations, irrespective of quality.

    Don't Look Now won some awards and was generally recognized as a capable movie. It isn't. The cinematography is brilliant. It did deserve the BAFTA nomination in that category. The script is just awful, and the pacing is worse. It is nearly two hours of complete boredom, with scene after scene outlasting our welcome. I held on just because I wanted to see the "mystery" explained.


    When the mystery was finally explained, it was absolutely ludicrous. Donald Sutherland thought that he was experiencing second sight when he saw a vision of his dead daughter running around Venice. This was a fairly logical explanation, since:

    1. He experienced a legitimate case of second sight in a different instance.
    2. An old lady in town claimed to have the gift, and to feel the presence of the girl.
    3. The apparition was dressed exactly as his daughter was dressed when she drowned - in a shiny red overcoat.

    You know what the explanation really was? There was a serial killer wondering around Venice, skulking in and out of the shadows, and that is whom Sutherland mistook for the ghost of his daughter.

    So what's so odd about that? I'll tell you. The serial killer was an evil dwarf who looked exactly like a ten year old girl.

    So what's so unlikely about that? Well, I might have bought into it partially, except that the serial killer skulked around Venice in a shiny red overcoat. I know that I'm neither short enough nor evil enough to think like an evil dwarf, but if I were an evil serial-killing dwarf, I'd try to dress a little bit less conspicuously.

    So there is your genius highly-acclaimed movie. You watch it for a couple of hours fighting to stay awake because you have to know the explanation, and when you finally see the explanation you laugh out loud at first, then you feel like throwing something at the TV.

    There is good news: Sutherland and Julie Christie did a long, dark, tedious sex scene which was about as exciting as actually watching other people make love. Probably because that's what it was. Why is that so good? The tedium does not affect the captures. They are pictures of Julie Christie naked, and she's one of the sexiest women ever.

    The Long Goodbye is Robert Altman's version of a private detective noir. Half reverent homage to 1940's filmmaking and half jokey send-up, it is somehow an oddly entertaining movie. It doesn't quite fall into the "almost all films from 1967-1974 suck" category, redeemed by its own offbeat sense of humor. (For example, the entire musical score seems to consist of the torchy "Long Goodbye" theme song played at different tempos and in different styles, including as a funeral dirge, a mariachi song, and by a marching band!)

    • Unknowns (1, 2, 3)

    Desert Saints is the usual quality straight-to-vid thriller, maybe a little better because of an interesting characterization from Kiefer Sutherland. See Tuna's review above or check out the link for details.

    • Melora Walters (1, 2, 3)


    Other crap



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Debra Winger, excellent collage featuring breast and bum views from her Oscar nominated performance in "An Officer and a Gentleman".
    • Kristin Minter, all 3 B's in the surprisingly good "Tick Tock" (2000). As Tuna put it in his review..."it's the best thriller I have never heard of."
    • Sarah Wynter, topless and subtle frontal views in scenes from "Bride of the Wind" (2001).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    Jaime Pressly
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    The queen of white trash cinema making her fabulous nude debut in "Poison Ivy: The New Seduction" (1997). Breasts, bum, and even a leather and chains outfit.

    Gina Gershon and
    Jennifer Tilly
    Sexy lesbian lovin'. From the movie "Bound", of course.

    Nikki Cox aka Mrs. Bobcat Goldthwait. As always, wearing a very tight shirt.

    Elizabeth Hurley
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    Link #1 is a tribute collage featuring some cleavage, Liz in undies, and other sexy poses. Links 2-8 are larger, single frames of some of the images in the collage.

    I have to give Marsie credit for his incredible find. He seems to have found some hidden treasure full of 12 year old French Photo magazines. Each one chock full of famous celebs posing nude!

    Pamela Anderson
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
    Love her or hate her, she always looks great on film. Excellent non-nudes by Blackshine. Well, mostly #6 she almost shows her breasts, #8 has Pam in a 100% see-thru top.

    Barbora Kodetová Topless in the 2000 made for TV mini series version of "Dune", by DeVo.

    Kylie Minouge
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    These, along with yesterday's two pics of the Aussie singer/actress in lingerie are all from her 2003 calendar.

    The Funnies by Number 6