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"Warrior And The Sorceress"

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) is a grade Z entry in the sword and sorcery genre, and really is very little like the rest of the genre. In mood, it feels more like a western, and lacks the interesting dungeon and forest sets that are common. David Carradine plays the warrior, and his character is even called Kain. He uses the same stoic non-acting that characterized his performances in Kung Fu. The Sorceress is played by Maria Socas, although I never caught her doing any sorcery. Kain arrives in a city, and two rival gangs are controlling the town, enslaving its residents, and battling each other. Kain decides to save the town and make some quick bucks by playing both sides against each other.

The nudity report is the only thing saving this turkey. Cecelia North, as an exotic dancer, shows everything, including 4 fully developed breasts. Lillian Cameron shows all three Bs as a slave that gets drowned in a tank of water. Maria Socas, who did much of her work in Argentina, showed all three Bs, as did several unidentified slave girls.

IMDB readers say 4.1 of 10. It has enough bad movie energy that has reviewed it. To me, it is a weak example of a very weak genre, so C-.

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  • Cecelia North (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Lillian Cameron (1, 2, 3)
  • Maria Socas (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    "The Notorious Cleopatra"

    The Notorious Cleopatra (1969) is the first of three Harry Novak films to be released next week from Something Weird Video, and I will get to all three before the month is over. Harry produced "skin flicks" in just about every exploitation genre, but these three are costumers, which were among the favorites. I will be talking a lot about him over the course of the three reviews, but here is the important stuff. Harry's films were self-rated as "Restricted." He likes bush, especially light colored bush, and large breasts, so there is a lot of both in his films. If you recall, he paid for Rene Bond's boob job. He found women in several ways, including strip clubs, airline stewardesses, students, and wannabe actresses. He paid them well, but wanted no inhibitions. Many of the male counterparts appeared for free, just to roll around with the women. According to Harry, the kissing and stroking was real ... so real that, in his words, many of them "popped." When, as frequently happened during a shoot, a couple would actually start doing it, he just kept the cameras rolling from a "Restricted" angle, and let them finish.

    This story is loosely based on the story of Anthony and Cleopatra. Old Julius is getting sick of Roman serving girls, and send Mark Anthony to Egypt to bring back Cleopatra, because he has heard she is hot stuff. Anthony agrees that she is hot stuff, and sets up residence in her bed. Caesar calls him back to face treason charges, and Cleo follows. If you don't know the story, or are curious about how it got twisted here, you will just have to rent the film to see the ending. That won't be a real chore, however. They show two women full-frontal during the opening credits being auctioned. Sonora, as Cleopatra shows everything she has, as does her childhood friend and lover, Dixie Donovan, and with two lengthy orgies, and lots of other sex, dozens of unidentified actresses give up the goods as well. It is still awaiting 5 votes at IMDB, and I could find no reviews. These films were especially popular at drive in theaters, and were high class events at the Pussycat Theater chain. The DVD transfer is excellent, and also contains The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo and Juliet, and a host of special features. For anyone interested in this early porn, this would be an excellent place to start. C+.

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  • Dixie Donovan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
  • Sonora (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    • Volume O is now completely updated, including all the actresses without individual volumes. The volumes for Amanda Ooms and Shauna O'Brien are also newly updated.
    • The volume for Linnea Quigley is newly updated.
    • There is a new volume for model Rachel Roberts
    • The Heidi Klum volume is updated
    • There is a new volume for Marina Sirtis
    • There is a new volume for Beatrice Dalle - check this one out for sure, because it includes many images not seen previously in the Fun House, including her latest topless appearance in last year's Trouble Every Day


    Other crap

    • So you think you know Page 3 Girls? The Sun tests your knowledge. You never had quizzes like this in Trig. Lots o' titties.
    • Mariah Carey hits the hot tub - The Sun is there. No comment from Weekly World News yet, but the rumor is that she's been replaced with an alien replicant who has the soul of Elvis.
    • Dwarf stars in porn film as a genie from the lamp. The name of the film? "I dream of Teeny". I didn't make that up.
    • The State of California is like a real-life example of Weekly World News. They now have a law which allows offenders to be detained in mental hospitals after they are released from prison  - but it only applies to criminals who victimize strangers. Rape all you like - as long as it's people you know. (A low percentage of sexual assault and abuse involves complete strangers)
    • It's scary when you think Dubya might be the brains of his family. I never get worried about political accusations in the paper because they are simply accusations - probably 99% spin, maybe 100%, plus they have been distorted by the ever-incompetent press. What worries me is when the guy's rebuttal is scarier than the original accusations. Brother Jeb nominates to the head of his child welfare agency a guy who says beating children is OK. Does he deny it? No. He responds that it must be right, because God told him so.  Mr. Regier wrote: "The Bible is not at all uncertain about the value of discipline 'Although you smite him with the rod, he will not die. Smite him with the rod ... save the soul'".  Jeb Bush said, in essence, the criticism of Regier reflected a growing American bigotry against ignorant dumb-asses, and that being very, very stupid should not disqualify one from public service!
      • You know, he's right. I thought about it and realized that, except for acting, public service is the only possible non-menial career for the very, very stupid. Think about the dumbest guy you went to high school with. That guy is too dumb to run the drive-through window at McDonald's, which requires handling many details correctly and making correct change. But could that guy be on the governor's staff or in the U.S. House of Representatives? Sure, why not?



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • The star of the mulit-Oscar nominated movie "Amélie" Audrey Tautou along with Vahina Giocante in scenes from "Le Libertin" (2000). Lovely breast exposure, plus frontal and rear views as well.

    • JoBeth Williams showing breasts, bum, near frontal views and huge 70's eye wear in scenes from "Kramer vs. Kramer" (1979).

    • Susan Ward and Lori Heuring in scenes from "The In Crowd". Ward is topless, while Heuring shows cleavage and a hint areola in a semi-see-thru bra.

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    So I figure...You grab a burger and it has two all-beef patties, lettuce, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun... well, so long as you ordered Le Big Mac, it's just wrong to complain about the special sauce. You shoulda expected it coming. And its rude to piss and moan because the fries are too salty. They are always too salty. Oh, and it's beyond rude to blame anything but your own fat ass if you eat too many of them and get as big as a house. You should have expected that one most of all. That's what I figure. But if the pickles are made of plastic and the patties are full of worms and the special sauces has a condom in it, well then you got a right to say something. Which brings me to Dream Witch.

    Ordered that puppy 'cuz it has Glori-Anne Gilbert it in, and it has former Pet Melissa Wolf (who claims to be the most photographed Pet on the planet, but how she figures that so long as the planet still holds Julie Strain I will never know). And I anticipated it would be a real bargain because the movie also has web model Chrissy Mountjoy and a couple other semi-hotties running 'round all nekkid and stuff. It sho' 'nuff does, too. What's to complain about, then? How about every thing? I don't mean the plot, direction, sound engineering or editing. I ordered a frigging Big Mac, not gourmet food, so when the production values suck... and believe you me, they do... I think it's rude to complain. Just deliver the babes and I will sit here quietly, munching on my happy meal. BUT, when the means of filming the movie and of preparing it for DVD transfer just flat out screw up what should have been a killer babe-o-licious veiwing and cap fest??? Well, count me pissed. Tres pissed. Had the "producers" of this movie been true to their intentions and their convictions, I would still be watching this puppy, and I would have capped maybe 700 frames and would have been sending in stuff to the Funhouse until October. 2003. And you would have loved it, all of you, believe me.. Trust me. Instead, I worked like a collie to get 14 collages into some shape that is not an embarassment to an arteest of such high standards. Merde, y'all. This coulda been a contender. Instead it's a bum. Face it, Charlie, a bum.

    Start off with Chrissy Mountjoy, with hooters so robo. Three collages, the first in B & W. Filmmakers decided that all dream and supernatural sequences would be presented in B & W. Yes, they did. First collage has Chrissy full-frontal whilst reclining. The other two are in living color and have her in the tub, showing off them man-made chest wonders.

    • Chrissy Mountjoy (1, 2, 3)

    Okay, then on to Glori-Anne Gilbert, who claims to be a Pet, but I don't recall seeing her as such in the Guccimag. Glori-Anne is 80% endomorph and 20% mesomorph, but so long as she stays on this side of 25 years old and gravity doesn't pull everything toward the equator, she will be a pleasure to look at. Four collages with Glori-Anne.

    In the first she climbs in the bath with Chrissy, and even Chrissy is impressed with the size of her friend's boobs. Standard stuff. The other three collages, however, are ones you just have to see.

    Number 2 has Glori-Anne riding cowboy on a fella whose own naughty bits are more than sorta showin', in a way that suggests the two of them were enjoying themselves.

    Number 3 is a mixture of scenes. The bottom has three more frames of the cowboy scene, showing off Glori-Anne's impressive rumpus. The top has three B & W frames of Glori-Anne's open legs as she slides off the bed. Now, these show the biggest problem with post-production stuff. The makers decided that whenever the Dream Witch shows up in whatever form she takes, they'll make it real obvious by inserting all these little bright noise lines in the image. So, yeah, you can see Glori-Anne's nether region, but it ain't nearly so good as it coulda been

    Number 4 is a freakin' tragedy. This is or was an el primo girl-girl scene with Glori-Anne and Melissa Wolf. I am not partial to such scenes but even I was impressed, or I would have been if a) the transfer were not so horrible as to defy an appropriately negative description; 2) all the little lines show up because, ya see, Melissa is the Dream Witch. So you got what might have the 69 scene of all time and lots of other action, but was a muddled mess, made passably tolerable by some photo-editing thingees I tried.

    Segue to Melissa alone, in the only clear frames of her in the whole shebang. They come from a long set of outtakes at the end of the movie and show off M'hooties quite nicely.

    Okay, and then we have Melissa in a second g/g scene with an actress named Savannah Powers. All three B's for both gals and some serious gyno-cam shots to boot.

    Savannah on her own in the next three. All B & W. All three B's with the gynocam making another appearance in the third collage.

    • Savannah Powers (1, 2, 3)

    Last two collages for the day are of a tall, slender brunette named Dana Leigh. Nothing spectacular, and again they are in B & W. Full frontal in the first, boobs and bum in the second.

    • Dana Leigh (1, 2)

    The Night
    Anna Friel
    (1, 2)

    The British actress topless in a love scene with Obi-Wan in "Rogue Trader" (1999)

    Brenda Strong
    (1, 2, 3)

    Breasts and bum in scenes from the movie "Undercurrent" (1998). You may remember her as the female captain in "Starship Troopers".

    Kate Winslet
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    The "Titanic" star bares all in scenes from "Iris".

    Sandrine Caron Topless and frontal views in scenes from "Que je taime", by Helvete.

    Nina Moric
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Sexy, Croatian born model looking fantastic in a spread for Maxim. She's best known for her role in Ricky Martin's "La Vida Loca" video. Scans by RMA.

    Britney Spears
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    For those who need their daily dose of the pop princess.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    From the Boston Herald. It's too long and amusing to condense, and we thought you'd like to see it all. The fake names celebrities use at hotels...

    For celebs, playing the name game is price of fame
    by Gayle Fee and Laura Raposa, Boston Herald

    As any faithful reader knows, celebrities are different from you and your humble servants here at the Track Shack. Besides the obvious money, power, clothes and rehab stints, they have problems that peons like us couldn't begin to grasp. Take, for example, the simple act of checking into a hotel. Would Julia Roberts sashay into the Chateau Marmont and register under her own name? We think not! Otherwise every wiseacre in town would be ringing up her room to ask if her refrigerator was running! No, no, no, snookums. The VIPs always use phony names. Unfortunately for them, we've gotten our gossip-mongering mitts on quite a few of their noms de guerre. Not that we'd encourage you to harass these lovely and obviously Very Important People. But it might be interesting to find out if Ozzy Osbourne's got Prince Albert in a can.

    So when calling your favorite celeb for a golf date, remember:

  • Diana Ross goes by the name Miss Orange. We have no idea why.
  • Equally puzzling is Bruce Willis' handle, Mr. Wilson (maybe he's a Dennis The Menace fan.)
  • Sugar Ray is Jim Shorts - ain't that cute?
  • Tiger Woods is B. Simpson. Aye Carumba!
  • Kevin Costner uses the name Frank Farmer, which also happens to be the name of his character in "The Bodyguard." How clever.
  • Which brings us to the ever-flamboyant Elton John. He's used Bobo Latrine and Sir Brian Bigbum as his phony I.D.s.
  • Axl Rose by any other name would be unprintable. But we'll give you a hint: his fake first names are Heywood and Hugo.
  • His bandmate, Slash, is better known around the Polo Lounge as Buster Knutt.
  • Speaking of rock stars, Rod Stewart is also known as Sid James
  • Phil Collins can be found by paging Peter Brink
  • Jimmy Buffett has been known to use the handles Mr. Keys, Al Vacado and Ward Robe
  • Bette Midler would be too easy to get on the horn if she just called herself the Divine Miss M. So she's Harriet Craig.
  • Ringo Starr will answer the phone if you ask for Richard Monaco. How exotic!
  • Cal Ripkin Jr. is Brad Carlton - but don't put Frank Farmer through to his room!
  • Billy Joel is sometimes called H. Miller, although he may want to consider changing the last name after his recent go up the 12 Steps.
  • John Travolta registers as Mr. J. T. Smith.
  • but if you ask for Vinnie Barbarino you'll get former Van Halen singer Gary Cherone.
  • And speaking of Van Halen, Eddie likes to be called Jack Moa
  • Alex goes by the name Adam Baum
  • and Michael Anthony is Hal Apeno. Hot stuff!
  • Robert Duvall uses the name Robert Pedraza in honor of galpal Luciana Pedraza
  • Tom Selleck is a rather manly sounding Jack Ramsey.
  • Alanis Morrisette - who, if recent concert attendance is any indication, doesn't really need a fake name - uses Chewbacca. May The Force be with her.
  • Bono, whom the Track would love to crank call, is J. C. Penney
  • Dave Matthews, obviously a Kubrick fan, is "Clockwork Orange".
  • Former Secretary of State Madeline Albright uses the handle Susan George
  • Sheryl Crow is Suzanne Fountain
  • Melissa Etheridge is Jo Hendrix -could that be an homage to Jimi? Other famous gals just use their S.O.'s last names:
  • Cybill Shepherd is Cybill Martin
  • Cyndi Lauper is Cyndi Thornton
  • Geena Davis registers under her hubby's exotic title, Reza Jarrahy
  • Dwight Yoakam, aka Luther Tibbs
  • Michael Keaton is Mr. Douglas
  • Bill Maher equals Bill Friar.
  • 'N Sync's Lance Bass is obviously a big Dr. Seuss fan because he uses the pseudonym Ted Geisel.
  • Sharon Stone has masqueraded as Phoebe Turner
  • John Wayne Bobbitt, infamous crime victim, uses the name Les Johnson.
  • And finally, if you want to ring up the wild 'n' crazy Osbourne clan, Ozzy's registered under the name Harry Bollocks. File under: What's In A Name?