Deep in the Valley

2009

Two twenty-something guys are transported to a magical alternate universe which is populated by the denizens of a famous line of porn films created by DJ, aka "Diamond Jim." One of the two young guys is a big fan of the DJ porn films, and is thus able to help his friend navigate through the pitfalls of life in this this dimension.

The character of DJ is played by Christopher McDonald, who used to have a career in A-list films, but must be desperate to have taken a role like this. The film also features cameo appearances from such Oscar candidates as Kim Kardashian, Scott Caan, and Denise Richards.

I'm not exactly sure how to describe this film. It is, more or less, a porno comedy, albeit without any significant sex or nudity. In other words, it is the film to see if you really enjoy the acting, writing and production values of porn films but do not relish having to watch any of the actual sex and nudity. In fact, there is no nudity at all from the central female characters, although a few obscure women do provide some very brief breast exposure, while playing characters superfluous to the film's main story, such as it is.

• The four "shower girls" include Jessica Hall, Amanda Evans and Jenilee Borek. I have no idea who the fourth one is.
• The "sexy prisoners" are played by Annie Huntley and Madison Bauer.
• Brittany Evans exposes her nipples to a fake doctor in a physical examination.
• The "dessert topping" girls are (I think, but am not sure) - Amber Hay and Shayne Lamas

 

Magic Man

2009

A young woman receives an anonymous letter which tells her that she needs to go to Las Vegas in order to obtain information about the death of her mother years earlier. Mother was a magician's assistant. The recipient of the letter heads off to Sin City with two of her college chums. This proves to be a poor choice of vacations for the two friends, who are soon killed in ways which suggest theatrical illusions performed by famous magicians. One of them, for example, is sawed in half.

The chief suspects in all the deaths past and present are two magicians, one of whom is currently the toast of the Strip, and the other of whom is his jealous rival, whose own career sank into obscurity years earlier.

The cast includes Billy Zane (the slick magician), Wishmaster (the failed rival), Armand Assante (a police lieutenant), Richard Tyson (an inept cop), and Robert Davi (a competent cop). That cast makes the film sound moderately competent, but it is not. The other performers, including the two central characters, are incapable of delivering a natural English line. Russian Alexander Nevsky, as the compassionate young Vegas cop heading the investigation, reminds us of a young Schwarzenegger, with less acting talent (yes, it is possible) and without Arnold's saving grace, his sense of humor. Bai Ling offers her usual strange line readings as Zane's assistant. The star, Estelle Raskin, delivers her lines in tones that remind me of childhood times when the slow learners would have to read aloud in second grade.

And the quality of the acting is superior to the quality of the writing. The plot of the film makes little sense in retrospect - and don't even consider hanging on to the end so that you can see "whodunit." The ending is maddeningly inconclusive. I still don't know who killed whom. Maybe that one chick sawed herself in half.

• The only "nudity" consists of Bai Ling in a thong.