"Out of Order"
Out of Order (2003-TV) was a Showtime mini-series, and the pilot episodes have been released as a film. The project was originally intended as a feature, but only Showtime expressed an interest, and writer/director/producer husband and wife team Donna and Wayne Powers went for the money. This is a partially auto-biographical piece about a husband and wife team of Hollywood writers whose marriage is in trouble. The goal of the film seems to make us feel sorry for all the rich and pretty people in Hollywood, because their personal lives are not as pretty as they are. I have a lot of trouble finding any sympathy for people who live in huge homes in good neighborhoods, drive a Mercedes, have a bright child who does well in school, sports, and just about everything else.
Yes, the wife (Felicity Huffman), has suddenly realized she was molested as a child, has chronic insomnia, and is clinically depressed, but any sympathy I might have had with her character was squelched by the fact that she was self-medicating with gin and illegal drugs. The husband, Eric Stoltz, was somewhat likeable. The story ends up chronicaling an affair between him and Kim Dickens. She was a soccer mom, and part of their circle of friends. It was only when she was on screen that the film worked for me, and, after the slow build-up, the sex scenes really sizzled. It is not that they were especially explicit, but their mutual desire was palpable.
Kim shows everything in a swimming pool scene at night, and then breasts in a love scene. The real problem with the film is asking us to spend time with, and feel sorry for, a bunch of people we have nothing in common with, and don't much like. They used a gimmick of having Stoltz see his life as a movie, which allowed them to insert fantasy sequences and show camera crews as port of the story, including a Raging Bull parody of Huffman confronting her parents at Thanksgiving dinner. Listening to several minutes of the feature length commentary, it re-iterated why I was not impressed with this film. I did not like the writers, or really care about what they were trying to say.
IMDB readers have it at 7.3 of 10. The few reviews were split, but this was judging Out of Order against other made for cable fare. There were some good comedic moments, and there was even one memorable line, "I feel like a guest in my own life." I must say, even though I was bored and uninvolved in most of the story, the affair was engrossing, and Dickens was adorable. As a mature TV mini-series, this is a C solely on the strength of that one plot element.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Vampire Carmilla (1999):
Vampire Carmilla is on a DVD with another film. The
entire DVD is called "B-Movie Theater's Drive-in Double Feature".
Stop and think about that. If you made really good
quality low budget films like those "Click" films, would you
advertise them as "B Movies"? Of course not. Your self-esteem would
place them at a higher level. If you made the kind of film that most
of the world would dismiss as Grade-B garbage, would you call them
B-Movies on the box? Probably not. You'd know they were at that
level, but you would not necessarily want to advertise it. So what
kind of movie would be advertised in that manner?
Are your answers locked in?
I think the answer is: "movies so bad that the
director would be flattered to hear them called "b-movies". In fact,
that is a tremendous compliment for this film, which is really at
the level of "home movie". You know your Uncle Dwight's corny
vacation movies with the additional footage of the Halloween party?
They are probably technically superior to this, not to mention
scarier. The entire film appears to have been shot with a home
camcorder, and it's either not a very good camcorder, or the footage
was shot by someone who doesn't realize how much light is necessary
for making indoor videos, or how to capture the sound properly when
actors are different distances from the camera.
In theory, it is a horrotica film, but:
1. It isn't remotely scary or interesting
because it has no sense of pacing (the camera sometimes stays on a
stationary tableau for many seconds, all for no reason), and the
actors are at the high school level. And I'm not talking about the
leads from high school plays. I'm talking about the people who
wanted to be in the play, but blew the try-outs.
2. In addition to a lack of horror, it has one other
weakness which keeps it from being successful horrotica. It also
lacks erotica. There is some sex and nudity, but it is in poor
light, and totally passionless. To make matters worse, the DVD
transfer is only about at the quality of video, if that good.
The woman who played the title role, Maria Pachukas,
killed herself shortly after this film was finished. One member of
the cast, Dawn Marie Psaltis, immediately quit film altogether in
order to pursue a career in professional wrestling. The star of the
film, Marina Morgan, didn't act again for four year, whereupon she
returned to the silver screen in the timeless cinema classic
Dr. Horror's Erotic
House of Idiots. The director, Denise Templeton, has never
gotten another opportunity to direct, which is not surprising.
Of course, the only reason I watched was to see the
WWE's Dawn Marie before she was one of the Rasslebabes, or as they
are often known, Rassholes. If you have the same curiosity, be
advised that the distinguished Ms Psaltis dies in the opening
credits, in a sequence almost unrelated to the rest of the film, so
you do not have to watch the actual movie. That sequence will also
be enough to give you the full flavor of the Shakespearian acting
quality in this film. Unfortunately, it is not BILL Shakespearian,
but HANK Shakespearian. He's the fiberglass fishing pole guy.
(Weirdly enough, Hank's dad, who founded the
Shakespeare company in the 1890s, was named William Shakespeare Jr.
As Jack Paar used to say, I kid you not".
Check out this link.)
Kudos for fiberglass fishing poles, but a resounding
F for this movie, the first F I have declared in months.
Something's Gotta Give (2003):
This is the romantic comedy with Nicholson and
Keaton (comments here).
"You may have to reconsider for your US audience the bootleg
caps from The Dreamers with Eva Green, which you displayed a few
weeks ago. That hottie has landed the female lead in Kingdom of
Heaven, the new epic by Ridley Scott. She is a novice in the
business but she has quite a background, since her mother is
the hottest and most popular French actress from the 70s, Marlène Jobert (according to rumors, she was president
Giscard's mistress and Chirac, jealous, resigned as his
premier). Since her twin daughters were born, Marlène has
virtually retired from acting in order to write children books, but
every time she appears on TV, you can see sparkles in the eyes
of every man on the TV set... "
OK, Charlie, here's Eva: (1,
You might want to look at this one first (hint-hint):
Fourth Annual Weblog Awards Nominate your favorite
weblogs for the Bloggie awards to be presented at SXSW
Interactive. You could nominate, for example, Other Crap (OtherCrap.com), in
five or ten categories, and/or you could nominate sites that actually
deserve to win.
We now return to our broadcast:
- One of our favorite shows,
MST3K, will leave television, perhaps forever, at 11 a.m.
Eastern and Pacific time, on January 31, 2004.
RetroCRUSH: looks at crazy celebrity records from the 70s.
Including the song stylings of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.
The VFX of 'Return of the King'
Voila!-Vintage Erotic Photography.
Very classy historical porn.
- Some glamour shot of rising
Phoenix Coyotes goalie Brian Boucher broke the record for the
longest shutout streak in modern NHL history, extending his
string to more than five hours Friday night. "
Strand nabs 'Twist' rights: "Strand Releasing has picked up
U.S. rights to Canadian actor-turned-director Jacob Tierney's
'Twist,' a modern retelling of Charles Dickens' classic 'Oliver
Twist,' starring Nick Stahl and Joshua Close as Montreal rent
Donald Trump Wannabes Draw Big Ratings for NBC ... the
biggest audience of any series premiere on any network since
- The delightful nostalgia site,
Once Upon a Dime, now has a new 48 pixel super hero quiz.
The Pink Tank
Baretta's Murder Trial May Last Six Months. As you can
imagine, it's not easy to find someone in Hollywood who can give
up six months of work to be on a jury. So far, Pauly Shore is
the only person available.
Street Mimes Join The Fight Against Terrorism One of the
coolest places in the USA is San Antonio, where drunken college
kids can practice "mime tipping" instead of "cow tipping". Down
on the riverwalk, mimes perform for the numerous tourists -
right on the river's edge. The one person record is four mimes
dunked in a night.
Party Pictures from the AVN (Porn Star
Academy) convention. Includes many naughty outfits,
Universal Music Group, the top dog in record labels, is
attempting to launch an uncensored, 24-hour music television
What would the world be like if Don Knotts starred in every
movie? (Center of page) Actually, it would be a lot like the
URL says it all: bubblebutts.com
Amazon.com: Customer Reviews: Best of David Hasselhoff .
Keep on reading. They get more and more bizarre.
This movie really sucks. No, really. It's a vacuum cleaner
comedy starring Jeff Daniels and (are you ready for this) Dawn
Wells (Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island). Surprisingly, the
academy missed this film when it handed out the 2002 Oscars.
Kristi Frank of 'The Apprentice' - Contestant Has Soft-Core Past
- Here are the pictures of
Kristi Frank in Red Shoe
Michael Jackson to Appear in a Movie: The entertainer is in
a movie titled 'Miss Cast Away,' about a group of beauty pageant
contestants who crash-land on a deserted island, where they find
Noah's Ark. Jackson plays a force sent by the pope in a beam of
light to dispense wisdom to the stranded women. I didn't make
this up. See below.
More info on Michael Jackson's Lost Movie: 'Miss Cast Away'!
Also starring Eric Roberts, with "proposed cameos" by Jerry
Lewis, Mr Miyagi, and Anna Nicole Smith. Whoa. Don't give those
Oscars to Return of the King just yet, amigos. There's a new
stud hoss in town.
Robert DeNiro's Saturday Night Live Skit as he gives the
Homeland Security press conference. Funny stuff, and De Niro,
ever the pro, keeps a straight face throughout.
MTV Picks Up Second Season of 'Newlyweds'
The illustrated guide to the sex lingo of
porn and prostitution. This is the site for you if
you don't know the difference between a reverse cowgirl anal and
an e-coli pie. Well, assuming you WANT to know the difference.
De Niro, Scorsese to Write Joint Memoir
- The trailer for
Two Brothers is now online. The two brothers in question are
two tiger cubs separated by captivity. Jean-Jacques Annaud (The
Name of the Rose, Enemy at the Gates) is one of the world's
great directors, but the trailer makes it look like a sappy
- Here is the trailer for
Secret Window, which looks to be a lame, formula horror
movie, based on a Steven King book. Judging by the trailer, it
seems to feature some seriously bad acting, despite what seems
to be a good cast on paper. (Johnny Depp, John Turturro)
Queen E to buy a Scottish Pub. Hey, how many bartenders have
their own picture on the money?
NewYorkish: Ben Stiller High School Yearbook entry. Kind of
Paul Burrell plans West End stage show: "An Evening With
Princess Diana's Butler". Be still, my beating heart. Sounds
like the screen version could be the next big movie for Vin
Volunteer suspended over nude charity calendar The charity
suspended her despite the fact that the calendar has raised
nearly £14,000 for children with cancer.
Jaime Pressly will be featured in the February Playboy
Politician would ban dirty words from TV / He's angry that FCC
failed to act: "Republican House member has introduced a
bill that spells out the seven awful words that would be banned
from the public air waves in all their forms and all their
meanings " Man, that could kill John Kerry's campaign. ... This
could turn out to be a hilarious "Life of Brian" skit when the
news announcers report that the bill has been passed. "And the
law specifies that broadcasters may not say "fucking" ....
(Police break in and haul him away. Then the replacement guy
reports that the first guy has been arrested for saying
"fucking". Police break in again. Repeat as necessary.)
The 25 best webcams. ???
Disney raising curtains on new projects in 2004.
Here's one to put on your calendar: a Bollywood musical version
of Pride and Prejudice. I'm gonna skip that one and wait for
the singing Indian guy playing Captain Ahab.
"Oscar is likely to overlook these screen gems"
The Decline of Fashion Photography | An argument in pictures.
Tits out for multiple sclerosis:
A woman with multiple sclerosis is raising money to fight the
condition by posing topless on the internet. (W/ pic)
Here are the "Tits Out for MS" Photos
"Donald Trump's reputation as one of the world's greatest
horses' asses remains unchallenged."
President Bush to send people to Mars, Moon. I guess they're
running out of space at Guantanamo.
Queer Eye for the commie guy. Sure to become Al Bundy's
Norwegian animal rights organization uses triple murderess as a
calendar girl You know, because she doesn' believe you
should hurt any living thingsl. Well, except humans, of course -
them you should slaughter. But cats - off limits.
Forbes Family Plans Faberge Auction: The Forbes family's
Faberge collection - 12 eggs and an assortment of other gems -
will be auctioned in the spring and could fetch up to $90
million. One egg is said to be worth $24 million.
Mobile phones - the new fingerprints. Mobile phones are now
proving invaluable to forensics - revealing precise
documentation of the whereabouts of callers.
Kill Bill 2 delayed. The film has been removed from the
February calendar, and moved back to April 16th.
Gangsters on the Loose in New 'Sopranos': Mobsters fresh out
of prison and on the loose provide the impetus for the fifth
season of HBO's drama 'The Sopranos,' series creator David Chase
said. Mr. Pink joins the cast this year.
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
First up today it's back to 1994 to take a look at Shannon Tweed as a "Babe In Bondage" in scenes from "Illicit Dreams". I never get tired of looking at this super B-movie babe.
- Shannon Tweed
Then as an extra we have the lovely Uma Thurman putting on quite a leg show on "Conan".
|The co-star of the 1989 Cameron Crowe classic, "Say Anything". Here she is topless in scenes from the segment "The Missing Ingredient" from the movie "Four Rooms" (1995).
||One of the most gorgeous babes on the planet...here she is looking mighty fine during a recent appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien".
|Vejiita 'caps of the star of the incredibly lame and thankfully short-lived syndicated series "Cleopatra 2525". Here she is topless in scenes from "My Little Eye" (2002).
|Playing the demanding role of "ultra-busty corpse" in Señor Skin 'caps from "Bad Boys II".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
BUSH WANTS PEOPLE ON MARS AND THE MOON
One Of These Days...To The Moon! - The White House says that next week,
President Bush will announce plans to send Americans to Mars and to
establish a permanent human base on the moon. But not anytime soon: he
envisions preparing for the mission more than a decade from now. Rep.
Ralph Hall of the House Science Committee said with the economy turning
around, people are getting interested in space exploration again. He said
he felt that for the last 2-1/2 years, "people would rather make a trip to
the grocery store than a trip to the moon."
There's a lot more to eat at the grocery store.
Not if the moon was having a double coupon day.
In L.A. during rush hour, a trip to the grocery store takes longer.
Bush may shoot a man to Mars sooner, if we can find Osama bin Laden.
Bush wants to dig a mine on Mars and exploit the planet's huge reserves
of Mars Bars.
TATU SINGER ADMITS THEY'RE NOT GAY
I'm Shocked! SHOCKED! - Lena Katina, one of the two female singers of the
Russian pop group Tatu, who made headlines by constantly kissing and
groping each other onstage, admitted they're not really lesbians. She said
they both have boyfriends in Moscow, that she plans to quit for a solo
career because they're tired of each other and of pretending to be
lesbians, and she can't wait to get rid of those trademarked schoolgirl
Although their boyfriends are begging them to keep those.
Well, there goes the entertainment on Rosie O'Donnell's cruise.
When they saw Madonna kissing Britney, they knew this fad was officially
ROSIE O'DONNELL CRUISES SOUTH
The Alternative Love Boat - Thursday, Rosie O'Donnell announced what she
called "the first gay cruise with family values." She has founded a gay
and lesbian travel company called R Family Vacations, and their first
cruise leaves from New York for the Bahamas on July 11. The unusual
shipboard offerings will include discussion groups on gay adoption,
surrogate parents, artificial insemination and other topics of interest to
gay parents. O'Donnell said, "We welcome all families -- however you
And if your definition is "seven-to-ten butch lesbians," it's not only a
family, it's a water volleyball team!
The highlight of the cruise is an all-you-can-eat tuna buffet.