"Cold Mountain"

Cold Mountain (2003) is a remake of the 1943 classic Lassie Come Home, with Jude Law playing the part of Lassie, and Nicole Kidman taking the Roddy McDowall role. To modernize the story, they borrowed the ending from a much newer film, the 1957 classic Old Yeller. In addition to the true love and devotion in the face of huge obstacles themes, they added some revolutionary thoughts,, such as:

1) War sucks
2) The Yankees sucked
3) The rebs sucked
4) The scallywags sucked
5) Men are ruled by their genitals, and suck
6) Women are ruled by their genitals, but don't suck as much.

I learned other important information from this film. When a virgin has sex once with her true love and then he dies, she will always have become pregnant and have the perfect daughter. This child is never thought of as a bastard. During the civil war, homeland defense was called the home guard. Spoiled city girls don't know shit about farming. When women shoot you, you always die instantly. When men shoot you, you survive for some time. During the civil war, it was possible to keep a fiddle, a banjo and a bowlback mandolin in perfect tune sitting around a campfire at night in the snow.

This film joins a personal list of infamy, which consists of films that were critical hits with huge box office figures that I personally think are a complete waste of what could have been an AOL free trial disk. Renée Zellweger won Best Supporting Actress for a performance that was orders of magnitude better than any other in the film. My vote would have been for Holly Hunter in 13. Nicole Kidman shows most of a breast in a dark scene late in the movie. Melora Walters shows breasts and buns. Katherine Durio also shows breasts, and Taryn Manning shows one breast next to her.

IMDb rates this piece of romantic Civil War drivel at 7.3 of 10. It earned about double the budget in the theaters. There must be a hole in my makeup where an appreciation for epic snail paced predictable travelogue romances should be. On a star scale, I would award this a 1, but on the Fun House scale, it is a C+. Those who loved Out of Africa, The Color Purple and the English Patient will also be orgasmic over this one.

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  • Katherine Durio (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
  • Melora Walters (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Nicole Kidman (1, 2)
  • Taryn Harding

    "The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher"

    The Hollywood Strangler Meets the Skid Row Slasher (1979) is a Ray Dennis Steckler film that started as a boast by Steckler to a Las Vegas film class. He told them that he could light anything with two lights. One of the students expressed a doubt that he could light an outdoor night scene, so he shot a murder in an alley at night to show them. Not one to waste a penny, he wrote a film around the scene already in the can. It is basically a love story about two serial killers (honest, I am not making this up). He photographs then strangles erotic models, then goes home, pets his dogs, kisses his pigeons, and has a beer. She owns a small book store, and slits the throats of winos, then goes for a run at the beach. He stops by her shop after each murder, thinking maybe she is different, whereas all the others just lead him on then want his money.

    Note that, with all the murders, there are no police, no press coverage, etc. of the murders. They finally meet in back of her store, with is a B&D dungeon, and I will leave the dramatic conclusion for you to discover. Ray certainly got the lookers for victims for this one. We have breast exposure from Bonnie Smith, Jean Roberts, Joanne Hyatt, Lori Morris, Snowy Sinclair and an unknown at Plato's West. IMDb readers have this at 2.1 of 10. Ray Dennis Steckler films are an acquired taste at best, and this one was shot as a silent movie, but his distributor forced him to add some voice-over narration. The DVD has two commentaries, one from Joe Bob Briggs, the other from Steckler himself, interviews with Steckler, costar Carolyn Brandt (his ex wife, at the time of filming), and an image gallery. Like Ed Wood films, Steckler films are kind of a genre unto themselves, and have a cult following. As Steckler started behind the camera, the photography looks great, and his editing is not at all shabby. The DVD transfer is amazingly good for a film this obscure and this old. According to Steckler, he has sold more VHS copies of this than any of his other films. This is a C, but is not for the average movie goer.

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  • Bonnie Smith (1, 2, 3)
  • Jean Roberts (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
  • Joanne Hiatt (1, 2, 3)
  • Lori Morris (1, 2)
  • Snowy Sinclair (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site is updated.

    • Updated Encyclopedia volumes for Melora Walters, Nicole Kidman




    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap





    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Click on the files as you normally would to play them. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.


    Tropical Snow

    • Another one not available on Region 1 DVD. In this case, there is nothing particularly memorable about the 1989 movie itself, but it features some of Madeleine Stowe's most beautiful nudity. It is especially appealing if you're into bums. Each .zip package includes four short clips.  (.avi - zip) (.wmv - zip)


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "Back to God's Country" (1919)
    This silent era movie contains the first nudity in Canadian cinema. It's also the first screen nudity by a well-known actress, Canadian actress and writer Nell Shipman. This was screened long before Hedy Lamarr's more famous nude swim in the talkie Ecstasy (1933). However in some shots it's clear that Nellie is wearing a body stocking.

    • Nell Shipman: skinnydipping but not showing much (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    Some assorted odds n' ends .wmvs from the Ghost today....

    First up, Doritos babe Ali Landry teases her fans in scenes from two movies.

    • Ali Landry covered only by well placed suds in scenes from "Who's Your Daddy?"
    • Ali Landry in undies from "Repli-Kate" (2002). (1, 2)

    Next up....

    • Former Pink Ranger Amy Jo Johnson topless in a dark love scene from "Pursuit of Happiness" (2001).

    • Apollonia Kotero topless in the 1984 Prince movie "Purple Rain".

    • "Sex and the City" star Kim Cattrall showing brief pubes and rear nudity in the 80's classic, "Porky's" (1982).

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Scarecrow Gone Wild"
    When a group of college football players haze one of the newbies almost to death during spring break in this 2004 direct-to-video zero-budget horror flick, it unleashes a homicidal scarecrow who seeks revenge.

    The film pretty much follows the formula for B-movie horror fare, including plenty of silliness and funny stuff, and some decent horror segments with the blood and gore kept to a reasonable level. Also present are some nice looking young women running around in skimpy bikinis, including topless nudity by Tara Platt whose nice natural figure makes up for the fact that she isn't large, and by Lisa Robert, whose implants are sagging to the point where she might want to forget going topless in the future.

    Predictably bad, yet enjoyable to watch, because the filmmakers did a good job of making it exactly what it's supposed to be, and they managed to keep the picture quality decent as well, something a lot of direct-to-video flicks can't seem to handle.

    Scorpion's Skinemax
    First up...'caps from the late night cable series "The Best Sex Ever", from the episode "Hearts on Fire".
    • Adult star Dru Berrymore shows breasts, a hint a pubes and some thong views in a pseudo sex scene.

    • Greta Dolan is topless in the tub (#1) then shows breasts again plus a hint of pubes in a love scene (#2). (1, 2)

    • Monique Alexander just barely showing breasts and some bush.

    Next up, a movie that seems to be on Skinemax at least 14 times a month, "Dark Passion" aka "Vipers" (1999).

    • Michelle von Flotow aka Michelle Hall....she plays the main character of the movie, and is possibly the most wooden and least erotic actresses in the erotic thriller genre. In this one, she bares all in several dull love scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    • Taimie Hannum gets it on and shows all the goodies in 2 scenes. (1, 2)

    • The busty Shayna Ryan shows all and gets it on with a two different guys in two scenes. One is a decent sex scene, the other is a lame "love" scene. (1, 2)

    • All 3 ladies in a fantasy orgy scene

    Last but not least from Scorpion today...scenes from the 2001 soft core flick "Dangerous Pleasures".

    • Jacy Andrews shows all the good parts of her very nice (and natural) body in several scenes. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    • Julia Parton joins Jacy Andrews for some mild lesbo lovin'.

    • And adult star Monica Mayhem tops it all off with more Triple B exposure. (1, 2)

    Jessica Alba Another production still of Alba looking gorgeous from her upcoming film "Into the Blue". Today she is also joined by "Walking Tall" co-star Ashley Scott showing off a near J-Lo-sized booty.

    Leighton Meester
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The young co-star of the new FOX series "North Shore" doing an excellent job filling out those bikinis.

    Summer Phoenix
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the youngest of the Phoenix siblings going topless in scenes from "The Believer" (2001).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    But I'd Settle For Charlize Theron - Contrary to women's suspicions, a Rutgers University study for the National Marriage Project found that most young men are not marriage-phobic. 80 percent said they see themselves married "someday," while many said they would "marry tomorrow, if the right person came along."

  • And that person? Halle Berry.
  • 90 percent of women said that if the right person didn't come along, they'd settle for the wrong person, then change him into the right person.

    Proof Brainwashing Works - The study also found that 94 percent of married men said they were happier than when they were single, with most saying marriage had improved their lives sexually and financially, and 75 percent saying that in choosing a wife, they specifically looked for someone who would be a good mother.

  • ...To them.
  • But these men obviously have not had kids yet.

    The Seven Percent Solution - The Wireless Flash reports that in a survey by Scott Tissue, 43 percent of Americans said they have common sense. But when given a common sense test afterward, only seven percent passed it. Also, more men than women thought they had common sense, but women outnumbered men among the seven percent who actually did.

  • Too many men WOULD marry J-Lo.
  • Only seven percent?! That's really sad -- Hand me a tissue.
  • Maybe we should start calling it "uncommon sense," because hardly anybody has it.