Johnny Moronic made some caps and a (zipped .avi) film clip of Essence Atkins in XCU: Extreme Close-Up. (She's Dee Dee on Half & Half)


This week's STV releases: Seven Mummies (2006)

Six escaped convicts and their female hostage are trying to reach the Mexican border through the desert. They take a detour from their flight when they run into an Apache shaman who is filled with knowledge that is possessed only by those still close enough to the land to act with the strength of the panther, the courage of the eagle, and the cunning of the ... um .. salamander. Whatever. This is the function provided by all old Indian holy men here in the Southwest. Whenever we white folks need any important mystical information, we round up an ancient Native American, and they point us in the right direction. Just last week I stopped an old man outside an Indian casino and he told me in words both wondrous and wise of the true secret to happiness - that being to double down on eleven when the dealer has a five showing.

In the case of this movie, the holy man spins a tale of lost Spanish wealth, of a city so rich that the people consider gold to be suitable only for toilet paper, because the streets are paved with rubies, the children play with platinum marbles, and the rabbits shit out malted milk balls. It seems that the Spanish Conquistadors enslaved 10,000 indigenous people and used 2,500 burros to strip the Guachapa Mountains of all its precious metals, hiding it all the booty in the desert until they could arrange to transport it back to Spain. Seven Jesuit priests vowed to protect the treasure until the Spanish returned, but nobody ever came back for the loot and as the priests aged and died, they were mummified and buried with the treasure to protect it for all eternity. There is no explanation for how the last priest to die managed to mummify himself, or how we could possibly have this info. Perhaps the Jesuit mummies had some secretaries who recorded it all, and also worked the mummification process on the last priest.

At any rate, nobody came to the burial place for hundreds of years until some Western settlers and prospectors built a town atop the buried treasure in the 19th century. When the townspeople discovered the riches, they awoke the seven mummified Jesuit priests from their sleep, and the mummies attacked the humans, turning them all into zombies or vampires (it says vampires in the credits, so let's go with that) by using some mysterious power now lost to time but once known by the legendary elite cadre of vampire-creating Jesuit mummy kung-fu priests. Throughout the subsequent years, the town has continued to exist at night, albeit frozen in time, but it and all of its bloodsucking denizens disappear during the day, kind of like Brigadoon, and the area appears to be open desert.

Of course, the convicts can't pass up the fabled Ciudad de Bolas Malteadas de la Leche, so they decide to postpone their run for the border in order to take on all the vampires and kung-fu Jesuit mummies for the chance at all the candy. And all the marbles.

The film goes for a vibe similar to From Dusk Till Dawn, except that it is the "straight to bargain bin" version. You can draw your own conclusions about the merit of the plot. It is supported by dreadful execution:

  • The film is consistently underlit. I wasn't even sure whether there was any nudity until I captured and photoshopped the images.

  • The action scenes are mishandled. People fall out of camera, and punches obviously miss.

  • The background score is not properly balanced with the dialogue. Of course, considering the dialogue, that wouldn't be so bad except that the music is usually some irritatingly inappropriate hip-hop. Or maybe hip-hop is the right music to accompany kung-fu Jesuit mummies in Old West towns. I'm not really sure there is a better choice, to tell you the truth.

  • Frankly, the acting and special effects aren't so hot either.

The only good news: the film is only about 70 minutes long, excluding the opening and closing credits.

Seven Mummies is currently rated 1.7 at IMDb. The worst film of all time is rated 1.8, so this baby could be a contender when it amasses enough votes.

Ananda St. James





Vinnie's Tampon Cases

The date with Jessica Biel was auctioned off for $30,000

The trailer from Climates, a Turkish drama which won the Fipresci Award at the 2006 Cannes Film Festival, an award presented annually to the most outlandishly pretentious and pseudo-intellectual film in the world.

Colbert Report: Solidarity
  • "It's time for management and labor to come together as management to exploit labor."

Colbert opposes a Cease-Fire
  • This war could be another Friends! But a cease-fire could turn into a Joey.

Stephen Colbert's "Problems without Solutions"

Daily Show: Celebrity Interview - M. Night Shyamalan ... Jon tries to guess the surprise ending of M. Night Shyamalan's 'Lady in the Water.'

Here's an R-rated promotional reel from 88 Minutes, a new thriller starring Al Pacino.

A kinda lame clip from Haven, a new Orlando Bloom movie

The trailer from Flushed Away
  • "From DreamWorks Animation and Aardman Features, the teams behind the worldwide hit 'Wallace & Gromit - The Curse of the Were-Rabbit,' comes the computer-animated comedy 'Flushed Away.' Blending Aardman's trademark style and characterizations with DreamWorks' state-of-the-art computer animation, 'Flushed Away' is a madcap comedy set on and beneath the streets of London."

Customer Subdues Robber With Applesauce

Python Gulps Queen-Size Electric Blanket

The Daily Show's Headlines for Tuesday

Jon Stewart comments on the Middle East

Jon Stewart observes the president's behavior at G-8

"Daily Show: Bakkedahl - Load of Ship"
  • "The Orient Queen docked in Beirut yesterday for a once in a lifetime evacuation to Cyprus."

"Even in a summer featuring a Garfield sequel and 'Little Man', M. Night Syamalans 'Lady in the Water' is set to take the crown as the worst movie of the summer."

Kevin Smith and Joel Siegel duke it out on Opie and Anthony

Location, location, oops! "IVANA TRUMP has cancelled Thursday's lunch to discuss her $150 million luxury apartment block ... in Beirut"

Esquire: "Snakes on a Plane is like the Wikipedia version of a movie."
  • Excepting my own essays, this must be the longest analysis of a film to be written by someone who hasn't actually watched it. And even I will at least watch a film in fast forward before leaping into a pool of ignorance.

An analysis of banned cartoons

SCTV - Leave It To Beaver 25th Anniversary Party

Cinema classics: The original trailer for Road House

"After surprising the world by purchasing New Zealand, wacko Jacko is demanding a refund."

Has the UK become too socialist? "In order to minimise the distress of grieving relatives, it has been proposed that necrophilia be regulated by the government."

"I went to law school for this shit?" British Law Lord orders trial judge to watch Jerry Springer

The CEO of was indicted and arrested. (For the convenience of the FBI, the dumb bastard was in the USA changing planes.)

Hezbollah Admits To Doing Shit

"The Eight Clown Commandments"'s Early Report for July 18

"Pamela Anderson is getting 'remarried'--for the first time--to Kid Rock."

Behind the scenes at Clerks II

Two trailers and a clip from Renaissance, an European sci-fi film.

The trailer for The Reaping
  • "In The Reaping, Hilary Swank plays a former Christian missionary who lost her faith after her family was tragically killed, and has since become a world renowned expert in disproving religious phenomena. But when she investigates a small Louisiana town that is suffering from what appear to be the Biblical plagues, she realizes that science cannot explain what is happening and she must regain her faith to combat the dark forces threatening the community."

Hayek an exec on ABC show 'Ugly Betty'

Warren Beatty in court over right to make new Dick Tracy film

The Braves scored in double figures for the fifth straight time - the first team to do that since the 1930 Yankees

Colbert Report: T & A
  • "There's only one thing that truly unites mankind -- the objectification of womankind."

Colbert discusses the president's performance on Open Mic Night

Colbert gets the first donation to the Stephen and Melinda Gates Foundation

Colbert gives his weekly tip of the hat to Aliens, Iragi Idol and Wal-Mart, a wag of the finger to Arizona and ... Wal-Mart

"Daily Show: Headlines - Mid-East Crisis: Day 9,265"

The Daily Show: "Do you know how lucky we are that Bush saying 'sh*t' is all that was caught on tape?"


Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Carnivale Season 2 (2005) - Part 2

Episodes 5 through 8 ...

Those who didn't watch the series and will be ordering the DVD set will want to skip down to the nudity.

Billy is learning now about what fate has in store for him. We now know how the preacher, the man Billy has been looking for, Billy and The Management are related. Billy has killed Management, which he insists was part of his destiny. The preacher has saved Iris by framing someone else for the arson, Sophie has left the Carnivale, and Libby has married Jonesy. Stumpy is still in debt, especially after losing a huge bet on the Schmelling/Lewis fight.

I will summarize the entire series after finishing the last four episodes. Thus far, it seems to be in some script trouble a little over half way into the second and final season, with the final confrontation looming closer. There has been some attempt to remove less interesting characters, and add new ones, but that hasn't helped.

The design quality has not lessoned an iota, however, as can be seen from the two color images included tonight (bottom images below).


Carla Gallo shows breasts in the cooch show, and again having sex with Jonesy.
 Cynthia Ettinger shows breasts in the cooch, doing a solo after Gallo married Jonesy.
 Sample images






Xtina in Paris
Tiffany Kristensen in The Butcher, a new straight-to-vid