Top One Reason why Cannes is the best film festival

1. Nobody gets naked at Tribeca, Toronto or Sundance.

In fact, Sundance is doubly cursed by being held in (1) extremely cold weather and (2) Utah. I don't believe anyone has ever been naked in Utah, not even to take a shower.

Today's Cannes topless paparazzi girl: superduperstar Angelina Jolie.

Today's offshore bikini girl: Gillian Anderson

Today's Red Carpet girl: model Petra Nemcova.


Closing the Ring


There is no doubt in my mind which type of movie articles are hardest to write. I just hate it when I have to review a competent, well-intentioned, good-hearted film that I really hated to watch. And now I have to do it again.

What is there to write about? I have no enthusiasm to share, but I don't want to dis the film the way I would with a shameless, just-for-profit zombie film, because the people who created this movie had sincere hearts and high aspirations. The film was directed by Lord Richard Attenborough, who once directed some fine films, including Gandhi, a Best Picture and Best Director winner. I also enjoy Young Winston, Chaplin, Oh What a Lovely War, and Magic. As a producer, Lord Dick helped to create some of my favorite offbeat films when I was in high school and college: The L-Shaped Room, Whistle Down the Wind (which people should watch at Christmas instead of It's a Wonderful Life), and Seance on a Wet Afternoon. Sir Richard has given my life a lot of great moments, so I really don't want to go negative on him.

But I do think it's probably time for him to retire gracefully. He's 84 years old. Closing the Ring will probably not be released theatrically in North America. Attenborough's previous film, The Grey Owl, also had to endure the ignominy of a straight-to-video American release. The film before that was the one where Chris O'Donnell played Ernest Hemingway, which is rated a lowly 5.5 at IMDb. His last successful film was made 15 years ago.

Closing the Ring is a multi-generational romance which is split between two different locations (North Carolina and Belfast) and two different eras (WW2 and now). In 1943, a dying American airman gives a ring to an Irish local to return to his girlfriend in the states. Fifty years later, a man finds the ring, learns its history, and finally tracks down the girlfriend. The portion which takes place in the present stars all sorts of elderly actors of the kind who might call Larry King "kid," and whose names usually appear in print after the adjective "distinguished." There's Christopher Plummer, Pete Postlethwaite, and Shirley MacLaine. It's a six-hanky film about lost love, and it's filled with romance, emotion, sentiment, warmth, wisdom and insight. Some people loved it, like The Urban Cinefile, in which reviewer Andrew Urban wrote a glowing review which will go a long way toward telling you whether you'll like it:

"Rich with elements that cannot and should not be summarised here, Closing the Ring abounds with truths about the human condition that are both beautiful and painful, noble and savage. The story revolves around promises made by lovers that cannot and should not be kept if keeping them denies the joy of living. There are several threads of love in the story, all of them to do with romantic love of the first order, yet the film has grit and pain and suffering in spades. It also has a sense of humour about character, including a lovely performance by Brenda Fricker as grandma Reilly, whose youthful wartime romantic escapades are revealed in embarrassing detail. It's a film that is epic in emotional terms, and perhaps old fashioned in the best possible sense - dealing with the lifelong impact of our most powerful emotions, as experienced through the lives of the people next door."

I couldn't make it through more than fifteen minutes at a time without a break. It's like watching an episode of Lawrence Welk. You might aptly re-title it Bored of the Rings and market it to young people as an insomnia cure. The target audience must consist of romantic pre-teens who have never seen any similar romances, and women in their 70s and 80s who are nostalgic for the way films used to be. On the other hand, to be fair, I could enjoy this film under certain circumstances. It would require the following:

(1) I would need to acquire a minimum of one vagina;

(2) I would have to buy a time machine and be transported to 1959;

(3) I would have to watch this film at the old RKO Palace theater on Clinton Avenue. (It was downtown and incredibly ornate, with one screen and 3000 seats. See below).

That would work, because Closing the Ring is not a bad film. It is simply a chick-flick which is out of its own time.

I didn't do any collages and/or film clips because Johnny Moronic did some yesterday, and he covered all the required bases. Here are his clips. His collages follow.



  • * Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).

  • * White asterisk: expanded format.

  • * Blue asterisk: not mine.

  • No asterisk: it probably sucks.


Catch the deluxe version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles, here.









One of the few R-rated movies where an actress shows her coochie. According to the director's commentary it was real-life stripper Holly Eglington who suggested she take off her thong and the open-mouthed reaction to her bending over was unscripted.

Holly Eglington: full nude

unknown porn actress: none



All the Good Ones are Married

(2007) (TV)

Movie just as pretentious as its title.

Joanna Douglas: side boob

Theresa Joy: underwear



Cheaters Club

(2006) (TV)

Another movie about women who cheat on their husbands only to get blackmailed and one of them murdered.

Charisma Carpenter: cleavage

Krista Bridges: bra and panties

Wendy Anderson: bare back and shoulders



Land of the Dead


Dawne Furey: topless

Sandy Kellerman: locking lips with script supervisor Donna Croce




episode: Gnarsty Snartch (About female hockey players, with all the lesbian references.)

Sarain Boylan: pokies

Tamara Hickey: making out with Saraim

Mayko Nguyen: having catfight with Sarain



Wildfire 7: The Inferno

(2002) (TV)

An unrepresented genre, chick firefighters. But where is the wet t-shirt contest?

Tracey Gold: pokies



44 Minutes: The North Hollywood Shoot-Out

(2003) (TV)

Twice more entertaining than 88 Minutes. Based on an actual bank robbery which led to one the biggest urban gunfights in United States law enforcement.

Alex Meneses: sexy



"Urban Legends"

episode: The Human Body

This segment is based on the legendary candiru fish of the Amazon river which can swim up your penis embedding itself into your manhood. Also known as the bobbitt fish. Good excuse to show an unidentified actress as a skinny-dipper although the nudity is pixellated.








Please Don't Eat My Mother



The oldies tour continues as Rene Bond returns this time in "Please Don't Eat My Mother" from 1973. Once again Rene reveals all as she's getting it on in the sack, before she gets eaten by a plant ( don't ask ). You can play the "Spot the Tool" game in this set from a really fun movie. Caps and ten clips.









Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle


Malin Akerman

film clip







Notes and collages

Young Doctors in Love


Kimberly McArthur



Creepshow 2


Paige Hannah










You would expect a movie done by Francis Ford Coppola to be beautifully done but unconventional, and 2007's Youth Without Youth certainly fits that description. It's a drama, a romance, and a thriller, all at once and with a healthy dose of Sci-Fi thrown in for good measure. Not everyone will like it, but especially not folks who want to always be sure of what's going on in a movie, because Coppola made sure you wouldn't, which is part of what makes the movie good.

Set in pre-World War 2 Europe, an elderly and brilliant professor feels frustrated by having been unable to complete his life's work. One day, he is struck by lightening during a sudden storm.

He awakes barely alive in the hospital, but as the days agonizingly pass and he thinks over his life and the many frustrations and lost loves, it becomes obvious to his doctors that he is not only getting better, but also getting younger as he recovers. That leads him to become a human guinea pig for the doctors trying to discover how this could happen.

Once free of the hospital, he sets out to live his life again, but more fulfilling and avoiding the pitfalls of the past. But can that ever happen, as new romance leads to old problems?

This is one of those movies where you simply can't be sure what's real and what isn't, what's a dream and what's reality, and just when you think you know, something will happen to change your mind. It's a first-rate film, but simply not for everyone. Being a Sci-Fi addict, I was able to accept it for what it was, and I really enjoyed it.


Alexandra Pirici Alexandra Maria Lara






Avalon Barrie in Sappho
Luudmila Shiryaeva in Sappho
Sheila Lussier in Strange Wilderness
One more from Strange Wilderness
Marcia Gay Harden in Rails and Ties
Clemence Poesy in Sans Moi
Jennifer Ferguson in The Fun Park







Britney Spears in Costa Rica. FYI only. Not nude. Not sexy.

Whitney Port having lunch at The Ivy


Film Clips

Several from Mission Killfast: Jewel Shepard, Linnette Cobb, Sharon Hughes

A little action from Cold Mountain: Melora Walters, Taryn Manning and others

Laila Saab in A Sweet Scent of Death

Sexploitation legend Edwige Fenech in Innocenza e Turbamento. Such a pretty face to go with her killer bod. Has anyone else noticed that she could be Anne Hathaway's mom?

Lucy Lawless live on stage (This is quite a big download for no real nudity, but I enjoyed it. The samples to the right will show you whether it's worth your time.)