• Leona Helmsley is suing a New York cemetery for blocking the view from her husband's mausoleum.
• Two Chinese scientists have invented self-cleaning clothes. They are cleaned by ultraviolet light.
• Democrat's Biggest Money Man Has Mob Connections ... and not only that, he got Liz Hurley preggers.
• Boy, do I know Kerry! - the quiz
• The Daily Show correspondents relate their favorite convention memories.
• The Daily Show's correspondents discuss which outdated rock songs they'd like to hear at the convention.
• The Daily Show's field reporters talk about Beantown.
• The Daily Show's Lewis Black talks about the difference between the conventions of 2000 and 2004
• The Daily Show - Lewis Black files his second report from the convention.
• URL says it all: ILoveKarlRove.com
• From The Big Lebowski news department: Oops, Wrong Car. Sorry. A German woman became so furious after a fight with her husband she stormed out of the house armed with a hammer and smashed up his car -- before realizing she had vandalized the wrong vehicle
• Weekly World News: TODDLER PSYCHIC! 3-year-old predicts future with shocking accuracy!
• Ketchup for Republicans, while Democrats use yellow mustard, yellow like the cowardly stripe down their back. Or so says Weekly World News. "People who mostly or entirely use ketchup are much more likely to favor the invasion of Iraq than those who use mustard"
• Preacher wants Snoop Dogg to record a hiphop version of the entire Holy Bible! (at least according to Weekly World News)
• The Top 10 Early Retirements of all time. They probably have Koufax too low. I think he is the only one on the list who retired when he was not only the best player in his sport, but probably the single most dominant athlete in the world. He retired after two seasons with 26 and 27 wins, with 27 complete games each year. In his last four years, his WORST era was 2.04, and he was 98-27 in that period. If you're too lazy to do the math, that means his AVERAGE season was 25-7. In comparison, Sandy's contemporary Bob Gibson was a great pitcher - not just a good one, but one of the best ever - and Gibson was 78-45 in those years. Gibson's BEST won-lost record in his entire career was 23-7. That's how good Koufax was - far, far better than one of the best pitchers who ever lived - and he retired after a 27 win season for a poor hitting team (eighth in runs scored in a ten team league)! Not surprisingly, the Dodgers fell from first place in Koufax's last year to eighth in the first year without him. Now that was a shocking retirement!
• Netscape says, "I'm not dead yet". Netscape Navigator Browser, version 7.2, to be released on Aug 3
• Shamings | The Olympics of Drunken Embarassment
• The New England Muscle Bicycle Museum
• Superheroes run a comics store. (Parody of Clerks, more or less)
• Spend the Fourth of July with Captain Capitalism. Parody of the Charlie Brown holiday specials
• Bank Notes dot com - Images of World Bank Notes
• Here is the controversial Ann Coulter column which was axed by USA Today.
• Salon.com reports on why "USA Today kills ludicrous Ann Coulter story!"
• Eternally bumbling Colorado court identifies Kobe's accuser by name -- for the third time.
• China needs chicks. Violence warning over Asia's 'surplus men'. "Bare Branches: The Security Implications Of Asia's Surplus Male Population", warns that Asia's gender imbalance will lead to tensions that could spill over into widespread violence.
• Prosecutors lay out their case against Michael Jackson
• Young speaker says Dick Cheney needs a timeout for his foul language.
  • Oh, this is cute and all, and Lord knows Darth Cheney deserves the abuse, but perhaps we should remember that it was Kerry who started the language slide with his lame explanation of his pro-war vote in the Senate.
  • (From Rolling Stone magazine): When asked in the interview about the success of rival candidate Howard Dean, whose anti-war message has resounded with supporters, The Massachusetts senator responded: ``When I voted for the war, I voted for what I thought was best for the country. Did I expect Howard Dean to go off to the left and say, `I'm against everything?' Sure. Did I expect George Bush to fuck it up as badly as he did? I don't think anybody did.''
• more pics of Kerry's daughter Alexandra in the see-through dress
• Ben Affleck: Future First Son-in-Law?
• President's Radio Address Heralding "National Luxury Ranch Maintenance Week" as Patriotic Alternative to Watching Sicko Democratic Hatefest
• Orlando Bloom is the new "young James Bond!" :
  • According to this site, it's not a secret agent film, but a movie based on Bond's college days.
  • If I remember right, Mr. Bloom, although still a young man, has been featured in as many $300 million movies as any other actor in history. There have only been 17 such non-animated movies, and he has been in four of them. I haven't researched it, but I can't name anyone who has been in five. (If you can, drop a line). I know that if the requirement drops a hair to $290 million, at least one guy has had a speaking part in five of them - Anthony Daniels, the guy who plays C3PO.
• Fahrenheit 9/11 Maker Skips Texas Screening: "Film-maker Michael Moore decided at the last minute not to attend tonight's screening of his Fahrenheit 9/11 movie in the small Texas town of Crawford near President George W. Bush's ranch.
• Hugh Grant one of the actors being discussed to replace Brosnan as Bond.
  • Bond, James Bond, although ... er ... ehm ... not many people call me James, actually. My mum called me Jimmy, but that got me ... ehm ... thrashed on occasion, so I moved up to ... ehm ... "Jim" when I went to the university. Here, look at this picture. Do you think I'm starting to resemble my mum?
  • Sorry, sorry, Pussy. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question but I just wondered, by any chance, er, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've slept with fewer women than you have, but-but I-I just wondered ... by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot ... Excellent, excellent, fantastic. Better get on to Goldfinger's lair, then ...
• al-Qaida suspect arrested - in McAllen, Texas. Was she trying to act unsuspicious in McAllen? "Howdy very much, mister hombre, sir. I am rooting tooting buckaroo like you, mister cowboy."
• Anthony Anderson, 'Barbershop' Star, Charged With Aggravated Rape
• Alaskans pleased to see the Blue Whales are back. That means BBQ Blubber for all, on the house.
• Seafood Restaurant's Name Causes Controversy. The establishment is called Crabby Dick's. The restaurant across the street says that Crabby Dick is not appropriate for a family restaurant. I recommend changing it to Happy Dick's or Big Dick's, and adding an adjoining bar named Stiff Dick's.
• And you think Canadian government service is boring? Strippers need naked pictures for Canadian visas. Immigration officers are having to pore over naked pictures of hundreds of exotic dancers to keep impostors out of Canada.
• Jessica is now the #2 singing Simpson. Or maybe #3, if you include Homer's career with the B Sharps.
• First look at the first teaser/trailer for Batman Begins
• BOROWITZ: MRS. KERRY MOVED TO SECURE LOCATION. In a terse statement released to reporters at the party convention in Boston, the DNC indicated that “Mrs. Kerry has agreed with party officials that she could make her most valuable contributions to the presidential campaign from a soundproof chamber buried miles beneath the earth’s crust.”
• The Daily Show at the Convention- the Kerry/Edwards plan for America's future kicked off - lacking only Kerry, Edwards, and an actual plan for America's future.
• Tremendous sports clip - naked woman not only streaks a soccer game, but she scores a goal!!!
• Unit staying put? Randy Johnson vetoes trade to L.A.
• The ancient martial arts secrets of the ... British???
• Forget the Shaolin Monks.Here's the greatest religious and martial arts combo of them all - he's Kung Fu Jesus. Baritone announcer: "The King of Kings is now the King of Kungs as well ... "
• Kevin Costner and Meg Ryan will star in The Tortilla Curtain, a Dayan Ballweg-scripted adaptation of the T.C. Boyle novel
• It's never too early to plan for being dead. Hey, that's what my insurance guy said. Custom Tombstone Generator
• Corrupt Palestinians help supply and finance the controversial wall. Thousands of tons of cement sold to Palestinian businessmen at below-market prices by Egypt to help rebuild communities devastated by years of war with Israel have been resold at huge profits to the Israelis - for use in building Israel's controversial wall.
• Architecture Design Competition for the 2008 Olympic Main Stadium in Beijing. The objective seems to be to create the stadium which most resembles female genitalia.

  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

• Lots of pictures of Lindsay Lohan sunbathing in a bikini
• The Power Rangers of Porn. Weird Japanese stuff, lots of nudity and schoolgirls.
• Ten years of Transformations: Natalie Portman
• Ryan Leaf turning colors for autumn. He's 28 and he wants to be a coach. But first he has to go back and finish all the school he missed. I don't know about that school thing. He's a big guy, and it will be a tight fit in those little desks. "Quick, get me Adam Sandler on the phone"
• NHL veteran Chris Chelios, a member of the scandal-scarred 1998 U.S. Olympic hockey team, offered a lame excuse after being ejected from a popular Bellagio restaurant Saturday. Chelios "explained to management that his plate-smashing was OK because he was Greek, but it didn't fly." Chelios was referring to a spontaneous Greek tradition of plate breaking.
• Lance Armstrong Now Being Questioned By French For Use Of "Foreign Substances". Like deodorant and soap. Mennen Speed Stick is obviously meant to enhance speed, right?
• NFL GMs pick Belichick as best head coach in the NFL.
• Top psychologist claims: Marathon sex sessions turn Britney into unhealthy sex addict! Huh? Wasn't she claiming to be a virgin a few weeks ago?
• Kylie Minogue is the No.1 sexual fantasy for Aussies
• Two sacramento firefighters were fired and three were suspended for attending a 'porn star' costume ball.
  • Personally, I don't care about whether our firemen have good family values. Call me crazy, but mostly I care about whether they can put out fires.
  • On the other hand, it doesn't really matter what kind of event they attended in this case, because these guys were on duty, they were drinking, and they used a fire truck to get to the event.
• Swansea college offers a BA in surfing. As well as requiring students to develop their surfing skills, the course also includes modules on "surf entrepreneurship" and "surf destination planning
• A politician who was supposed to be taking part in a debate on road safety in Parliament was caught watching a porn movie on his laptop computer.
• Pro Skateboarder Develops "Pogo Stick On Steroids"
• The next space race: Private craft prepare to launch
• "Values" Seen as Most Important Characteristic of Presidential Candidates
• Low-paid Heathrow workers who drove Ferraris and owned holiday villas in Spain were under arrest last night. How did the police begin to suspect them? Genius! Even Holmes himself could have overlooked those clues.
• Nicole Kidman still losing weight, but not to worry, Matt LeBlanc seems to have found it. In fact, LeBlanc seems to have found some of the weight Giambi lost as well.
• URL says it all: BadAssBikinis.com. Although I think they could have been badder ass.
• Brother, Can You Spare A Job? - weird little political cartoon done in the style of the Depression-era cartoons
• This week's movies: Thunderbirds -20% positive reviews. This one may get lost in the box office shuffle, with plenty of other movies opening this week. Some critic ridiculed it. One guy said, "Sloppy, boring, dumbed-down and heinous. By the end, you may find yourself experiencing a fantasy of finding all the copies of the picture and burning the negatives."
• This week's movies: The Village (2004): Only three graded reviews so far, all positive. Director M. Night Shymalan has avoided letting critics see it in advance. Often that means the movie stinks, but in this case he simply wants to keep all the film's secrets as long as possible.
• This week's movies: The Manchurian Candidate - 100% positive so far. Directed by the guy who did The Silence of the Lambs
• This week's movies: Garden State -87% good reviews. Was a darling of both critics and audiences at Sundance.
• This week's movies: Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle - 87% good reviews. Based on that score, this movie must be WAY better than the sample clips, which were almost universally lame. (The trailer, however, was pretty funny.)
• Here's the trailer for First Daughter: "Samantha Mackenzie (Katie Holmes) wants what every college freshman desires: to experience life away from home and parents. But it's not going to be easy, because home for Sam is The White House and her dad (Michael Keaton), is the President of the United States. Despite her fishbowl existence, Sam meets and falls for the Resident Advisor in her dorm. As romance blossoms, Sam discovers her new beau is actually an undercover secret service agent assigned to protect her." {cough} bullshit {cough} blowjob {cough}
• Two new featurettes about Collateral (thriller with Jamie Foxx and Tom Cruise)

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.