"Getting Into Heaven"
Getting Into Heaven (1970) has nearly nothing going for it, unless the idea of three large breasted, all natural women, one of them famous, running around naked in neutral light indoors and out for 75 minutes appeals to you. This is part of the latest release from Something Weird Video, and is the class of this particular DVD. The other feature, Angels, is so strange that I couldn't watch it. The cover indicates that it is strange even by Something Weird standards.
Heaven (Uschi Digard) and her room mate Sin (Jennie Lynn) want to be in movies. They are courting a producer, whose idea of auditions is having sex. Heaven runs afoul of a cop by running over his foot, and not having her drivers license. She convinces him to come to her apartment that night rather than righting a ticket. Once there, she takes his virginity. Then the producer shows up with Sin (actually Cynthia), and he decides "Heaven Can Wait ... right now, I want a little Sin." The four end up on a picnic together, where the producer gives Heaven her audition in a stream, but he has to hide afterwards, as he doesn't want to be seen by a nearby fisherman. Heaven leaves him there, he is furious, and the cop wants Heaven to marry him. Heaven has one last idea to save her acting career. She has another friend, Karen (Phyllis Stangel) kidnap the producer and bring him to their apartment where she hopes the three of them can fuck him into submission.
Digard shows everything, as does Lynn. Stangel shows breasts and buns. There were entirely too many images for one night, so we will have Uschi tomorrow. This has no real plot, and nearly all of the dialogue is corny, but the transfer is a very nice 4/3, and the nudity is too good to award less than a C.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
The Sleeping Dictionary (2002)
The Sleeping Dictionary is one of
those "British in the Jungle" movies; one of those white man's burden
things where all the Englishmen stay in full dress uniform in the
sweltering heat, while the native women bathe temptingly under cool,
soothing waterfalls. Stiff upper lip and duty versus love for a native
girl, and all that, you know ...
"I do say, Jeeves. Bring me another
gin and tonic, and do shoot that frightful beggar on your way back."
It turns out that every single character is the secret love child of
every other character. Dickens would be proud. It's also an old-fashioned Hollywood-style movie -
swelling romantic music, primitive headhunters with 21st century
manicures, the whole schmear.
The studio spent $12 million making this film, but it seems
apparent that they were not at all satisfied with the result. They
delayed its theatrical release twice, then finally gave up altogether
and let it go straight to vid with almost no fanfare.
The good news: beautiful photography of tropical Malaysia, Jessica Alba sex scenes.
The bad news: Alba used a body double.
The interview with Jessica is clearly correct. All of the Alba nudity ends
at the collarbone, not matter how ungainly the resulting shot.
Emily Mortimer. No body double here. Although Emily
generally plays the dweeby part, she actually has quite a sexy body,
and very nice breasts. (1,
Alba's body double (1,
Alba in a few other scenes (1,
A Mighty Wind (2003)
For many of you, Folk Music is just sort of a quaint thing that
is appreciated by a small minority of people. For us older guys,
there was about a year when folk music ruled the pop charts and even
prime-time TV. You see, it happened like this. Elvis went into the
army between 1958 and 1960. He pretty much disappeared altogether in
1959 for a while, and he gradually reemerged as a new man,
transformed from a wild young rockabilly stud into a corny
mainstream star of incredibly bad musicals. In the early sixties he
was doing crap like Blue Hawaii and Girls! Girls! Girls!
The Beatles didn't start to dominate the record charts until 1963
In between, there was a window of opportunity for other musical
genres - surf music and folk music being two good examples. Folk
singing was quite the rage on university campuses, and even resulted
in some prime-time TV shows. ABC ran something called Hootenanny on
Saturday night. Of course, this was mostly TV's version of sanitized
folk singing, "toothpaste commercial" groups like The Chad Mitchell
Trio and The Limeliters and, later, that pre-fab group called The
New Christy Minstrels. Prime time TV really wasn't ready for
Pete Seeger, who was the one and only giant of
the folk scene after Woody Guthrie died, but whose politics were
decidedly socialistic. Seeger was blacklisted by the show, which led
to a boycott by Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Peter Paul & Mary; The
Kingston Trio - practically every folk act with a recognizable name.
So it happened that folk music really lost its one big chance to
show off its best wares to the mainstream public and, within a year,
the Beatles had taken over the entire music scene, relegating folk
music became the quaint coffeehouse pastime you are probably
A Mighty Wind is Chris Guest's what-if mockumentary that posits a
reunion of some of the popular groups of the folk era.
Chris Guest's films have gradually softened in tone, so it isn't
really fair to say that A Mighty Wind does for folk groups what
Spinal Tap did for Heavy Metal. Guest has maintained his irreverence
toward the subject matter and his uncanny ability to duplicate other
men's music (he began his public successes years ago with pluperfect
impersonations of James Taylor and Bob Dylan in National Lampoon's
Lemmings. In fact, he did TWO Dylan impersonations in that show -
Highway 61 era and Nashville Skyline era.), but over the years, he
has strayed away from pure lampoon, moving toward a combination of
parody and sincerity. Some of his characters have gotten more
sympathetic, and he's brought ever more heart to his work. In this
film, he focuses the edgiest satire almost entirely on the "faux
folk" groups that appeared in the commercial stages of folk's
popularity - like The New Christy Minstrels, for example. When he's
dealing with the type of sincere acts that permeated the early folk
scene, he is quite respectful. He pokes fun at them, but it is clear
that he also loves them.
Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy, a couple of SCTV veterans, play
an "America's Sweetheart" folk couple who broke up after a few
hits, and haven't really talked in thirty years. Levy's character is
psychologically damaged, to boot. Guest handles their story with
real style. He doesn't do anything so corny as to bring "Mitch and
Mickey" back together because of the concert, but he absolutely lets
them have some moments of tenderness that are quite inspiring in an
offhanded way, in situations where we understand what they really
feel, even though nobody ever says the words. As he did in Best in
Show, Eugene Levy manages to steal the show with a moment of
personal triumph that inspires genuine feeling for his otherwise
The big three, Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer, the very
essence of Spinal Tap itself, are again working together as a group,
playing a trio of folkies who had exactly one hit forty years ago,
haven't been working together, and are fully aware of their
limitations, but enjoy it all so much that they want to perform
anyway. Their original records were produced so cheaply that they
were released without the little hole in the middle, but the group
claims that many fans really enjoyed the music once they figured out
how to punch a hole in the vinyl. Their impersonation of the more
gimmicky folk singers of the era is uncanny, even though all the
music was written especially for this film. Their hit song is "E. a.
o.", based on a faulty neon sign that should read "Eat at Joes" and,
yes, they do manage to split up the audience for gimmicky
Comedy genius Fred Willard is also on hand to deliver his usual
clueless, daffy showbiz character. As in Best in Show, his
boneheaded statements and complete non-sequiturs get the biggest
I was pleased to see that the theater was full, with an older
audience of course, and everyone was laughing a lot.
If you remember folk music as a silly but loveable part of your
life, this is a must-see. OK, I admit I love folk music and I love
the SCTV people, so my opinion is highly biased, but it's the most
pure pleasure I've gotten from a film in a long time.
Sorry, no nudity.
Updated volumes: Kathryn Erbe
Things to say to mom on Mothers Day when you
invite her over:
Mom, don't walk with a
fork in your hand -- if you trip, you'll put your eye out.
No, you can't eat your
Mother's Day candy now -- it'll spoil your dinner.
I don't care what the
other mothers are doing, you're not going to that Barry Manilow
Because this tofu is
good for you...and the children in China are starving.
If everyone else jumped
off the Golden Gate bridge, would you?
Close the door -- were
you raised in a barn?
Mom, if you keep making
that face, it'll stick forever.
Who said life was
supposed to be fair?
Don't give me any of
If I've told you once,
I've told you a thousand times ...
You want something to
do? I'll give you something to do.
I'm not just talking to
hear my own voice!
You're not leaving my
house dressed like that!
Act your age.
When you drive her
home: Don't make me stop this
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
If you made a movie and it just had to work or else your dog got shot or you lost your right arm, what genre would you do? Me, well, I'd do a sex farce. Lots of T, lots of A, obvious visual jokes, infantile puns... how much frickin talent can it take to make such a movie at least passingly enjoyable?
My first guess would have been, "None", but then I saw Flesh Gordon 2: Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. And now my default guess is "A little."
There is no sign or talent in FG2. Not a wiff. So thin is the talent that I can now say the worst former Hefmate to do anything in any movie is Morgan Fox, Dec '90 girl of the month. I've seen grade school performances with more subtlety and depth. Way more. Nothing works in this horrid thing... even the cheerleaders. Shoot, they are so average looking I coulda gotten a date with one of them. And that's sayin somethin.
Okay, that's the bad news. But it's not so bad for you guys because you didn't have to sit through it. The good news for all of us is that fourteen women give up some goodies. Fourteen! Gotta be a record of some sort. All of it is T or A, although one babe wore a thong so skimpy her scene asymptotically approaches gynocam territory.
In some sort of order of importance we have:
Morgan Fox, that there former Heffer who could not act her way oout of wet paper bag. Posted some topless stuff of her in the Hefmate flood of Xmas '02. Here's another collage of her in a translucent outfit.
Then there is Robyn Kelly as Dale Ardor. Miss Robyn is topless in one scene, wears skimpy stuff in a second and puts on a clear-plastic top in a third, but throughout her expression makes it appear she has just smelled a killer fart.
Melissa Mounds makes an appearance as a featured menu item in a milk bar called The G Spot. You got your Pandora Peaks and your Wendy Whoppers and your Melissa Mounds, all of whom sail right past bovine and land somewhere in the grotesque. And all the names are oh so appropriate, so I'm wondering, how did their parents know? I mean these have to be their christian names, right? Pronounced within days of their births, yes? And yet somehow mom and dad knew what they're best features were gonna be. It's uncanny.
Then come the Cosmic Cheerleaders, played by Blaire Kashino, Stevie-Lyn Ray and Sharon Rawley. Stevie-Lyn is the one I mentioned who bends way over for a long time whilst wearing dental floss for underwear. Sharon has the nicest body and Blaire comes along for the ride
Two other women who work at The G-Spot are topless dancer, Lona Thompson, and topless hat-check girl, Strawberry Angel. Her parents did not get the memo on hooter-appropriate names or they would have called her Bonnie Boobs.
Batting clean-up are two collages of women in scenes where all the babes are named but you do not know which is whom. Angelica Gordon, Liz Atkinson and Theresa Gailbreath start the movie off as bad actresses in a sci-fi movie. Ye Gads, what a stroke of genius in casting.
And then Tanjah Iser and JJ Benjamin play women in a ladies' room. By the look of them, these gals are in the right place.
'Caps and comments by Hankster:
On the way back from our trip to 1964 and the visit to "Olga's House of Shame" we stopped off in 1974 and visited "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks".
This little epic gives Annamaria Fornello as a 'Babe in Bondage" as she is tied up and sadly eventually murdered by Gene the dwarf
and Oak the Neanderthal man.Annamaria gives us breasts as Gene cuts the buttons off of her blouse.
Strangely this flick came out with a PG rating. I guess the censor fell asleep during this scene.
- Annamaria Fornello
|Beautiful breasts and full frontal exposure in scenes from her one and only IMDb film credit, the French film "Une grande fille comme toi" aka "A Big Girl Like You" (2003).
|Breasts and bush in scenes from "Sous mes yeux" aka "Right Under My Eyes" (2002).
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
"The Pink Chiquitas" (1987)
Sci-fi sex comedy about a town taken over by sex-crazed women. Stars one of the lessor Stallone brothers Fred "Shempy" Stallone and Claudia Udy as a nurse who quickly loses her uniform. The film was dragged down by it's PG-rating which means fully-clothed sex scenes and gratuitous underwear, cleavage shots.
"Between the Moon and Montevideo" (2001)
Canadian latino sci-fi filmed in Cuba. Budget was so low cars were used for rocketships.
"Queer as Folk", season 3, episode 5
Michelle Clunie takes off her panties to prepare for a date with the turkey baster. Probably the first scene on televison to deal with do-it-yourself artificial insemination at home.
"Birds in Paradise" (1987)
Softcore spoof of Charlie's Angels.
- Threesome: Jennifer Inch, Jeanine Louise, and Sue Morrow take turns
south of the border (cut from current video versions).
Bonus Assorted Nudity: