Getting Into Heaven (1970) has nearly nothing going for it, unless the idea of three large breasted, all natural women, one of them famous, running around naked in neutral light indoors and out for 75 minutes appeals to you. This is part of the latest release from Something Weird Video, and is the class of this particular DVD. The other feature, Angels, is so strange that I couldn't watch it. The cover indicates that it is strange even by Something Weird standards.

Heaven (Uschi Digard) and her room mate Sin (Jennie Lynn) want to be in movies. They are courting a producer, whose idea of auditions is having sex. Heaven runs afoul of a cop by running over his foot, and not having her drivers license. She convinces him to come to her apartment that night rather than righting a ticket. Once there, she takes his virginity. Then the producer shows up with Sin (actually Cynthia), and he decides "Heaven Can Wait ... right now, I want a little Sin." The four end up on a picnic together, where the producer gives Heaven her audition in a stream, but he has to hide afterwards, as he doesn't want to be seen by a nearby fisherman. Heaven leaves him there, he is furious, and the cop wants Heaven to marry him. Heaven has one last idea to save her acting career. She has another friend, Karen (Phyllis Stangel) kidnap the producer and bring him to their apartment where she hopes the three of them can fuck him into submission.

Digard shows everything, as does Lynn. Stangel shows breasts and buns. There were entirely too many images for one night, so we will have Uschi tomorrow. This has no real plot, and nearly all of the dialogue is corny, but the transfer is a very nice 4/3, and the nudity is too good to award less than a C.

The Sleeping Dictionary (2002)

The Sleeping Dictionary is one of those "British in the Jungle" movies; one of those white man's burden things where all the Englishmen stay in full dress uniform in the sweltering heat, while the native women bathe temptingly under cool, soothing waterfalls. Stiff upper lip and duty versus love for a native girl, and all that, you know ...

"I do say, Jeeves. Bring me another gin and tonic, and do shoot that frightful beggar on your way back."

It turns out that every single character is the secret love child of every other character. Dickens would be proud. It's also an old-fashioned Hollywood-style movie - swelling romantic music, primitive headhunters with 21st century manicures, the whole schmear.

The studio spent $12 million making this film, but it seems apparent that they were not at all satisfied with the result. They delayed its theatrical release twice, then finally gave up altogether and let it go straight to vid with almost no fanfare.

The good news: beautiful photography of tropical Malaysia, Jessica Alba sex scenes.

The bad news: Alba used a body double. Info here. The interview with Jessica is clearly correct. All of the Alba nudity ends at the collarbone, not matter how ungainly the resulting shot.

• Emily Mortimer. No body double here. Although Emily generally plays the dweeby part, she actually has quite a sexy body, and very nice breasts. (1, 2)

• Alba's body double (1, 2)

• Alba in a few other scenes (1, 2)

A Mighty Wind (2003)

For many of you, Folk Music is just sort of a quaint thing that is appreciated by a small minority of people. For us older guys, there was about a year when folk music ruled the pop charts and even prime-time TV. You see, it happened like this. Elvis went into the army between 1958 and 1960. He pretty much disappeared altogether in 1959 for a while, and he gradually reemerged as a new man, transformed from a wild young rockabilly stud into a corny mainstream star of incredibly bad musicals. In the early sixties he was doing crap like Blue Hawaii and Girls! Girls! Girls!

The Beatles didn't start to dominate the record charts until 1963 and 1964.

In between, there was a window of opportunity for other musical genres - surf music and folk music being two good examples. Folk singing was quite the rage on university campuses, and even resulted in some prime-time TV shows. ABC ran something called Hootenanny on Saturday night. Of course, this was mostly TV's version of sanitized folk singing, "toothpaste commercial" groups like The Chad Mitchell Trio and The Limeliters and, later, that pre-fab group called The New Christy Minstrels. Prime time TV really wasn't ready for Pete Seeger, who was the one and only giant of the folk scene after Woody Guthrie died, but whose politics were decidedly socialistic. Seeger was blacklisted by the show, which led to a boycott by Bob Dylan, Joan Baez, Peter Paul & Mary; The Kingston Trio - practically every folk act with a recognizable name. So it happened that folk music really lost its one big chance to show off its best wares to the mainstream public and, within a year, the Beatles had taken over the entire music scene, relegating folk music became the quaint coffeehouse pastime you are probably familiar with.

A Mighty Wind is Chris Guest's what-if mockumentary that posits a reunion of some of the popular groups of the folk era.

Chris Guest's films have gradually softened in tone, so it isn't really fair to say that A Mighty Wind does for folk groups what Spinal Tap did for Heavy Metal. Guest has maintained his irreverence toward the subject matter and his uncanny ability to duplicate other men's music (he began his public successes years ago with pluperfect impersonations of James Taylor and Bob Dylan in National Lampoon's Lemmings. In fact, he did TWO Dylan impersonations in that show - Highway 61 era and Nashville Skyline era.), but over the years, he has strayed away from pure lampoon, moving toward a combination of parody and sincerity. Some of his characters have gotten more sympathetic, and he's brought ever more heart to his work. In this film, he focuses the edgiest satire almost entirely on the "faux folk" groups that appeared in the commercial stages of folk's popularity - like The New Christy Minstrels, for example. When he's dealing with the type of sincere acts that permeated the early folk scene, he is quite respectful. He pokes fun at them, but it is clear that he also loves them.

Catherine O'Hara and Eugene Levy, a couple of SCTV veterans, play an "America's Sweetheart"  folk couple who broke up after a few hits, and haven't really talked in thirty years. Levy's character is psychologically damaged, to boot. Guest handles their story with real style. He doesn't do anything so corny as to bring "Mitch and Mickey" back together because of the concert, but he absolutely lets them have some moments of tenderness that are quite inspiring in an offhanded way, in situations where we understand what they really feel, even though nobody ever says the words. As he did in Best in Show, Eugene Levy manages to steal the show with a moment of personal triumph that inspires genuine feeling for his otherwise brain-dead character.

The big three, Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer, the very essence of Spinal Tap itself, are again working together as a group, playing a trio of folkies who had exactly one hit forty years ago, haven't been working together, and are fully aware of their limitations, but enjoy it all so much that they want to perform anyway. Their original records were produced so cheaply that they were released without the little hole in the middle, but the group claims that many fans really enjoyed the music once they figured out how to punch a hole in the vinyl. Their impersonation of the more gimmicky folk singers of the era is uncanny, even though all the music was written especially for this film. Their hit song is "E. a. o.", based on a faulty neon sign that should read "Eat at Joes" and, yes, they do manage to split up the audience for gimmicky participation noises.

Comedy genius Fred Willard is also on hand to deliver his usual clueless, daffy showbiz character. As in Best in Show, his boneheaded statements and complete non-sequiturs get the biggest laughs.

I was pleased to see that the theater was full, with an older audience of course, and everyone was laughing a lot.

If you remember folk music as a silly but loveable part of your life, this is a must-see. OK, I admit I love folk music and I love the SCTV people, so my opinion is highly biased, but it's the most pure pleasure I've gotten from a film in a long time.

Sorry, no nudity.

Other crap:

• French to create a hedge row throughout their country to mark where they think the prime meridian should be
• Lego Porn
• famous groupies rate the sexual talents and performance of rock stars
• Conservatives will keep winning forever because liberals are pussies
• Now THIS is a tattoo
• intelligence documents found in Iraq reveal that Russian spies told Saddam exactly how President Bush planned to justify war. It doesn't look good for Pooty-Poot's return trip to the ranch in Crawford
• Hulk Hogan will prolong his World Wrestling Entertainment career by donning a mask and becoming "Mr. America."

Updates:

• Updated volumes: Kathryn Erbe

Things to say to mom on Mothers Day when you invite her over:

• Mom, don't walk with a fork in your hand -- if you trip, you'll put your eye out.

• No, you can't eat your Mother's Day candy now -- it'll spoil your dinner.

• I don't care what the other mothers are doing, you're not going to that Barry Manilow concert.

• Because this tofu is good for you...and the children in China are starving.

• If everyone else jumped off the Golden Gate bridge, would you?

• Close the door -- were you raised in a barn?

• Mom, if you keep making that face, it'll stick forever.

• Who said life was supposed to be fair?

• Don't give me any of your lip

• If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times ...

• You want something to do? I'll give you something to do.

• I'm not just talking to hear my own voice!

• You're not leaving my house dressed like that!

• Act your age.

• When you drive her home: Don't make me stop this car!

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

If you made a movie and it just had to work or else your dog got shot or you lost your right arm, what genre would you do? Me, well, I'd do a sex farce. Lots of T, lots of A, obvious visual jokes, infantile puns... how much frickin talent can it take to make such a movie at least passingly enjoyable?

My first guess would have been, "None", but then I saw Flesh Gordon 2: Flesh Gordon Meets the Cosmic Cheerleaders. And now my default guess is "A little."

There is no sign or talent in FG2. Not a wiff. So thin is the talent that I can now say the worst former Hefmate to do anything in any movie is Morgan Fox, Dec '90 girl of the month. I've seen grade school performances with more subtlety and depth. Way more. Nothing works in this horrid thing... even the cheerleaders. Shoot, they are so average looking I coulda gotten a date with one of them. And that's sayin somethin.

Okay, that's the bad news. But it's not so bad for you guys because you didn't have to sit through it. The good news for all of us is that fourteen women give up some goodies. Fourteen! Gotta be a record of some sort. All of it is T or A, although one babe wore a thong so skimpy her scene asymptotically approaches gynocam territory.

In some sort of order of importance we have:

Morgan Fox, that there former Heffer who could not act her way oout of wet paper bag. Posted some topless stuff of her in the Hefmate flood of Xmas '02. Here's another collage of her in a translucent outfit.

• Morgan Fox

Then there is Robyn Kelly as Dale Ardor. Miss Robyn is topless in one scene, wears skimpy stuff in a second and puts on a clear-plastic top in a third, but throughout her expression makes it appear she has just smelled a killer fart.

• Robyn Kelly (1, 2)

Melissa Mounds makes an appearance as a featured menu item in a milk bar called The G Spot. You got your Pandora Peaks and your Wendy Whoppers and your Melissa Mounds, all of whom sail right past bovine and land somewhere in the grotesque. And all the names are oh so appropriate, so I'm wondering, how did their parents know? I mean these have to be their christian names, right? Pronounced within days of their births, yes? And yet somehow mom and dad knew what they're best features were gonna be. It's uncanny.

• Melissa Mounds (1, 2)

Then come the Cosmic Cheerleaders, played by Blaire Kashino, Stevie-Lyn Ray and Sharon Rawley. Stevie-Lyn is the one I mentioned who bends way over for a long time whilst wearing dental floss for underwear. Sharon has the nicest body and Blaire comes along for the ride

• Blaire Kashino
• Stevie-Lyn Ray (1, 2)
• Sharon Rawley

Two other women who work at The G-Spot are topless dancer, Lona Thompson, and topless hat-check girl, Strawberry Angel. Her parents did not get the memo on hooter-appropriate names or they would have called her Bonnie Boobs.

• Lona Thompson
• Strawberry Angel

Batting clean-up are two collages of women in scenes where all the babes are named but you do not know which is whom. Angelica Gordon, Liz Atkinson and Theresa Gailbreath start the movie off as bad actresses in a sci-fi movie. Ye Gads, what a stroke of genius in casting.

And then Tanjah Iser and JJ Benjamin play women in a ladies' room. By the look of them, these gals are in the right place.

• Angelica Gordon, Liz Atkinson and Theresa Gailbreath
• Tanjah Iser and JJ Benjamin

On the way back from our trip to 1964 and the visit to "Olga's House of Shame" we stopped off in 1974 and visited "Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks".

This little epic gives Annamaria Fornello as a 'Babe in Bondage" as she is tied up and sadly eventually murdered by Gene the dwarf and Oak the Neanderthal man.Annamaria gives us breasts as Gene cuts the buttons off of her blouse.

Strangely this flick came out with a PG rating. I guess the censor fell asleep during this scene.

• Annamaria Fornello (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

"The Pink Chiquitas" (1987)
Sci-fi sex comedy about a town taken over by sex-crazed women. Stars one of the lessor Stallone brothers Fred "Shempy" Stallone and Claudia Udy as a nurse who quickly loses her uniform. The film was dragged down by it's PG-rating which means fully-clothed sex scenes and gratuitous underwear, cleavage shots.

• Claudia Udy: very sexy underwear.
• Heather Smith: major bra-less pokies.
• Laura Robinson: sexy outfit, buns and panty crotch shot.
• Elizabeth Edwards: leg only.
• Cindy Valentine: makeout scene with bra on, later upblouse nipple flash.
• Diana Platt: makeout scene with bra on, guy has his hands full.
• Various: Pink Chiqiuitas. That's probably Lolita Davidovich and former Miss Canada Cynthia Kereluk in the first frame and Susan Haskell in the middle of the fifth frame.

"Between the Moon and Montevideo" (2001)
Canadian latino sci-fi filmed in Cuba. Budget was so low cars were used for rocketships.

• Pascale Bussieres: topless love scene.
• Kena Molina: very nice topless.
• Eszter Sipos: boobs and buns shaking her booty.

"Queer as Folk", season 3, episode 5
Michelle Clunie takes off her panties to prepare for a date with the turkey baster. Probably the first scene on televison to deal with do-it-yourself artificial insemination at home.

• Michelle Clunie: lower frontal.

"Birds in Paradise" (1987)
Softcore spoof of Charlie's Angels.

• Threesome: Jennifer Inch, Jeanine Louise, and Sue Morrow take turns south of the border (cut from current video versions).