Tuesday

Tuna
"Death Bed - The Bed that Eats"

Death Bed - The Bed that Eats (1977, or 2003) is probably the most independent film of all time. It was pirated and released first in the UK, then in other European countries, and developed a cult following, all without the knowledge of the film maker. He discovered this a few years ago browsing the Internet, had a new digital transfer done from the original 16 mm film, enjoyed a very small theatrical release this year, and has now made the film available on DVD. George Barry conceived the project after a nightmare about a bed that eats people. It took him five years to complete, and had no luck marketing it. He had totally forgotten about making the film when he discovered that it had been released.

This is a very strange film. It is narrated by one of the bed's victims that the bed chose not to eat, but rather hid him behind a painting for company. An unknown and her boyfriend show breasts before the opening credits. Then three women visit the house where the bed is. The first, Julie Ritter shows breasts changing for bed, and then breasts again as the bed undresses her and eats her. Demene Hall shows breasts and buns in a double exposure that represents her soul leaving her body. Between these events, the narrator talks about all of the people the voracious bed has eaten.

It is barely mentioned at IMDB with no reviews, credits, cast information, or votes. This is a very strange film, probably only of interest for it bizarre history. Low C-.

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  • Demene Hall (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Julie Ritter (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Nudes on Credit (1961??)

    Laughably bad B&W film which nobody has ever heard of , but which somebody found and re-released with a misleading name. (No nudes to be seen). Comments can be found here. Terrible film, but the comments are worth a quick look. The pictures are not worth seeing, unless you're a completist.

    • Lisa Palmer (not nude, not creditable, probably not even her real name) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

     

    Miscellaneous movies which I have not seen

    Some captures from Graphic Response's collection

    • Kelly Preston in Spellbinder. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6) Haven't seen it, but I want to. Not because I think it might be a good movie, but because ... well, look at the pics and you'll see why. It's not on DVD, as far as I know, so I'm not sure where Graphic Response got his captures, because the quality seems better than VCR.. Maybe digital TV - they look pretty darned good. Preston looks tres sexy.
    • Leonor Watling in Son de Mar (2002), another one I really want to see. (1, 2)
    • Kate Vernon in Bloodknot. The quality here is VCS, and not even top of the line by tape standards, but it is Dean Wormer's kid, and it is a movie not previously in the Encyclopedia.

    • Mathilda May in The Tit and the Moon. (1, 2, 3) She did not continue to do Hall of Fame nudity after her spectacular nude debut in 1985's Lifeforce, but she still provided some friendly peeks for years. I need to get a DVD of this movie some day. I like the nudity, and it looks charming.

    • A very young, ripe, Melanie Griffith in the timeless cinema classic, Joyride (1977). Actually, I probably have seen this one, but have mercifully forgotten it. (It stars Desi Arnaz Jr)

       

    Some thoughts on the Paris Hilton sex tape

    I did manage to find some captures and a two and a half minute movie on the internet. (As I understand it, the entire tape is 45 minutes long). I decided to stay away from doing caps and stuff because the Hilton family has zillions of lawyers and they don't want it distributed. You won't have any trouble finding it. It is all over the internet, although many servers are slow because of the demand. Check out many links in "other crap".

    The three minute clip consists of a couple engaged in graphic sex, but it is shot in almost complete darkness with a night vision lens of some kind. The people's eyes make them look like creatures in a horror movie. You can clearly see body outlines, but that's more useful for looking at the guy than the woman. You can see his manhood, of course, but who cares? You can see her shape, the outline of her breasts, but not her privates, except in one close-up of penetration. She has a very nice, but very thin body. I think she's shaved.

    You can hear them talking. He is directing her to be in different positions. In the last few twenty seconds or so she is sipping the salamander, and her face is looks green through the night vision lens.

    Who is it? I don't have any reason to dispute the I.D. as the Hilton girl. It does look like her, but I simply am not familiar enough with her to make an identification. I've only seen her in still photos, and that is not much help in this case. She is certainly aware she is being photographed, because she talks to the camera when the guy is in the opposite direction.

     

     

     

    OTHER CRAP:

     

    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

     

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    C2000
    Camilla Power Baring breasts and bum in scenes from the recent UK mini series, "Byron".

    Chloe Howman Brief breast and bum views in a shower scene from "Sparkling Cyanide" (2003).

    Jan Anderson
    Kumari Simmons     		Both ladies are topless in scenes from "Is Harry on the Boat?".

    Claire Harman A beautiful blond showing off Gorgeous breasts...hard to beat that! Here she is topless in scenes from the UK film "Last Orders" (2001).

    Hugo
    Bridgette Wilson
    (1, 2)

    Catherine Keener


    		Both show brief breast views in scenes from the 1997 movie "The Real Blonde".


    Charlotte Lewis
    (1, 2)

    		The UK actress shows off her exotic beauty (and lovely breasts) in scenes from the really lame 1994 Dolph Lundgren movie "Men of War".

    Hunter Tylo
    (1, 2)

    		Fantastic 'caps of the supermodel turned actress topless and full frontal in scenes from her very first movie "The Initiation" (1984).

    Moira Kelly
    (1, 2)

    		Topless and getting seriously groped in a love scene from "Little Odessa" (1994).

    Heidi Klum
    (1, 2, 3)

    Kim Lemanton

    Shakara


    		From an uncensored Sports Illustrated 2001 video.

    Here are the highlights:
    Klum bares a nipple! (link #1)
    Klum see-thru! (link #2)
    Klum cleavage! (link #3)
    Lemanton wet and see-thru plus a thong view and nip slip
    Shakara side breast view


    Flautista de hamelin
    Angelina Jolie
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Anne Archer

    		From the very off beat movie "Mojave Moon" (1996)...Jolie was young, topless and gorgeous! Archer also adds some lovely cleavage to the mix.

    Bai Ling
    (1, 2, 3)

    Ornella Muti
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    		Brief breast views from Ornella Muti, and Bai Ling (or Ling Bai, it seems to vary from week to week) strips down to her bra in scenes from "Somewhere in the City" (1998).

    Variety
    Jacinda Barrett Bootleg 'caps of the Aussie actress in scenes from the new Nicole Kidman/Anthony Hopkins movie "The Human Stain" (in theaters now). Toplessness plus far off full frontal and rear nudity.

    Jennifer Tilly
    (1, 2, 3)

    		3 more new (and huge) versions of Tilly topless in scenes from "Shadow of the Wolf" (1992). As we mentioned yesterday, this isn't available on DVD in the US.

    Gretchen Mol
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    		Vejiita puts together another 4 page comic. Today it's his tribute to Gretchen (and her amazingly beautiful toplessness) in "Forever Mine" (1999).

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    ASHTRAYS CRIMINALIZED IN NEW YORK
    Bloomberg's An Ashhole - Marty Arno, owner of the tiny Brooklyn Heights Video store in Brooklyn, New York, is facing up to $6,000 in fines for owning an ashtray. Inspectors say they found the ashtray with a butt and ashes in it on the counter, in violation of Mayor Mike Bloomberg's stringent no-smoking laws. Arno says it's a piece of memorabilia from the 1984 B-movie "The Rosebud Beach Hotel," and he let a customer snuff out a butt in it because he was enforcing the no-smoking law. Arno said he never heard of making an inanimate object illegal, noting that even during Prohibition, booze was illegal, not the glasses.

  • If glass paraphernalia's legal, how come Tommy Chong's in jail?
  • During Prohibition, nobody needed glasses: they drank straight from the bottle.
  • He should've claimed it was Humphrey Bogart's cigarette butt from "Casablanca."
  • Bloomberg is now so nuts, he's written no-smoking laws that make it illegal to put a cigarette OUT.


    LESBIAN SEX NOT ADULTERY
    Strap Yourself In For This One - The New Hampshire Supreme Court has ruled that if a married woman has sex with another woman, it's not adultery. The case involved a husband who blamed his wife for their divorce because she had a sexual relationship with another woman. But the court ruled 3-2 that the definition of adultery requires sexual intercourse, so lesbian sex isn't adultery.

  • That would depend just how butch one of the lesbians is.
  • How did Bill Clinton get to appoint New Hampshire Supreme Court judges?
  • Now Madonna can kiss Britney all she wants.
  • If you've been trying to get your wife to invite a girlfriend over for a three-way, you now can say, "It's approved by the New Hampshire Supreme Court!"
  • When asked whether oral sex was adultery, the judges replied, "What's oral sex?"


    WOMAN PRISONER REALLY A MAN
    The David Spade Of Kentucky - Billie Jo Hawks, who spent over eight months in a women's prison in Kentucky on a pot growing and trafficking charge, finally confessed: she's not a woman. Hawkes is actually a man who'd been held in the women's section of a detention center after his trial, then was mistakenly sent to a women's jail. He only admitted it when he faced a mandatory medical exam. A prison official said they don't know how he slipped past the strip search that all incoming prisoners are supposed to undergo, but "clearly, procedures were not followed."

  • Either that, or too much pot REALLY lowers your testosterone.
  • I don't know, most of the women in prison were more manly than him, and they got in.
  • So his cellmate's pregnancy is NOT a miracle?
  • They also got suspicious because he was the only prisoner who never stopped smiling.


    JONES AND DOUGLAS WIN A PITTANCE
    Cheap, No...Tacky, Yes - Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas won their lawsuit against Hello! magazine for publishing secretly-taken photos of their wedding, but it wasn't what they'd hoped for. They demanded $835,000 in damages, with Jones claiming the badly-lit photos of her scarfing down cake had ruined her wedding day by making the lavish ceremony look cheap and tacky. A London judge sympathized, but only to the tune of $24,000.

  • That was how much she'd spent on the cake.
  • He thought that asking for so much money made them look cheap and tacky.
  • Catherine's legal fees: $835,000.
  • She should do what J-Lo does: if the wedding photos don't turn out, just marry someone else.


    OKLAHOMA BEATS TEXAS A&M 77-0
    Well, They WERE Aggies... - Saturday, the top-ranked Oklahoma Sooners gave the Texas A&M Aggies one of the most embarrassing beatings in college football history. They scored 10 touchdowns on their first 11 possessions and routed the Aggies 77-0. It might've been over 100-0, but Oklahoma's coach apparently took pity and put in his reserve team. When they started racking up yards on the Aggies, he made them just start running up the middle and practically falling down on purpose.

  • It wasn't on purpose: they were falling down laughing.
  • Hasn't Oklahoma's coach ever heard of the Guinness Book of World Records?
  • Being Aggies, A&M mistakenly sent its golf team.
  • The Aggie coach was yelling at his players, "What do we pay you for?!"


    • The Funnies by Number 6
    20 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:
    • Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
    • Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
    • You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
    • 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
    • You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
    • You watch the Weather Channel.
    • Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
    • Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
    • You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
    • Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
    • You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
    • Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
    • Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
    • You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
    • A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
    • You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time!
    • "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
    • 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
    • You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
    • You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.