La Campana del infierno (1973), or a Bell from Hell, is a French/Spanish co-production horror offering shot in Franco's Spain. A young man has been confined to an asylum under psychiatric care by his aunt and three cousins after his mother's suicide, so they can control his inheritance. He is released on a sort of trial basis just before he returns to court. After a brief stop working at a slaughter house, he returns to his aunts house, where we get the idea that he will be seeking revenge. Initially, we see him making elaborate and somewhat cruel practical jokes. Then, in act three, his actions escalate. Act one does establish the characters, but is mostly about imagery, much of it surrealistic.

Among his early jokes, he wears arm casts and braces, and gets a man he is after to hold his dick while he urinates, and tears his eyes out in front of his wife, so convincingly that she faints. He removes her panties, unbuttons her blouse, and leaves a note claiming to have had sex with her. I will leave it up to you to discover what his final revenge plans are, how the new bell for the church fits into the plot, and why he took the time to learn how to butcher cattle.

The slaughterhouse scenes show actually killing and butchering of cattle. Nuria Gimeno shows breasts and buns. Maribel Martín was also naked, but all of the interesting bits were cleverly covered. Remember, this was Franco's Spain, with serious censorship.

IMDb readers Have this at 6.5. It was intended as a condemnation of bourgeois hypocrisy in Spain. The final act is inventive, and makes the film more than just watchable. It is dubbed in English, and the slaughterhouse scenes, which were historically cut, have been restored. The English dubbing is rather well done. This is a solid C, and one of the better Spanish horror efforts I have watched.

In an interesting side bar, the original director, Claudio Guerín, either jumped or fell from the church bell tower on the final day of shooting, and the post production work was done by Juan Antonio Bardem.

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site has been updated. Big update this week, including Julie Delpy's full frontal nudity in Tavernier's unrelentingly grim Passion of Beatrice.

Descending Angel:

Complete spoilers.

It's a Holocaust drama. It's a cuddly romance. It's a thriller. It's three {click} three {click} three {click} films in one!

Eric Roberts and Diane Lane are just a happy young couple in love in Quebec, but pretending to be New York, when Eric finds out that his father in law (George C. Scott) was a prison guard at a WW2 concentration camp and a participant in some famous historical massacres. This discovery kind of cools Eric's ardor and turns him into Mr Junior G-Man Investigator. It kind of pisses Diane off when Eric runs around crying and screaming like a girly man and shrieking, "Your father's a murderer. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo." But the young lovers do take a break every now and then to sneak off for some kissy-face before continuing the debate about dad's war crimes.

You think that lacks subtlety? Well, Eric has the smooth cunning of Volpone compared to ol' Patton. Just to make the moral dilemma completely lopsided, and allow no shadings at all, the script dictates that George C. not only massacred women and children in the Romanian camps, but continues to order murders to this day when anyone comes close to discovering his secret. Eric even proves that Diane's own mother was locked away in an insane asylum because she found out the secret and was considered a risk of exposure. Since Eric knows the secret, his own life is in danger!

But, darn it, for all his high-pitched whining, Eric just can't convince Diane to believe her father is evil, so he seeks out some top-secret evidence files hidden away in some locked cabinets in a church basement. Yup, I know if I had committed war crimes, I would never destroy the evidence. I would keep everything around, just as a souvenir, so I could relive the good times. What the hell, no need to destroy the evidence as long as it's safely locked away in office-strength file cabinets! The silliest part of the whole thing is that Eric doesn't even know for sure that there is anything incriminating in those cabinets. He just breaks into the Church files on spec! There are many cabinets, and everything is written in Romanian, but since the files are all neatly arranged, Eric does find some important double-secret incriminating stuff in about 30 seconds.

As he flees from the Church, he is pursued by Patton and two of his toughest henchmen. Eric is on foot and the henchmen are in a vehicle, so of course he chooses to make his escape in an open field, even though there is a dense growth of trees nearby that would be easily navigated by a running man, but would prevent a vehicle from passing.

Anyway, I suppose you can guess that as they get out of the car to run Eric down, he is running back toward the church, and the bullet zips by him and hits Diane Lane, who has just emerged from the Church to ask her father what is going on. Since George C. did truly love his daughter, and she him, this is apparently enough cinematic justice to give him what he deserves for being the world's most evil man, and the film ends right  there, with Diane badly wounded and police and ambulance sirens wailing toward the scene. Did she die? Dunno. Did George C come to trial for his crimes? Dunno. What happened to Eric Roberts? Dunno. That's it, Jack. End of story. No sequels.

Not only is the plot a shameful exploitation of a historical tragedy to create a cheap genre film, but this film is just a confusing mess in many ways. It was made by HBO films in the days before they became the Masters of the Universe, and it's just plain sloppy. You already know about Eric's instant discovery of "important evidence" in unfamiliar files, and his escape through an open field. In addition to such breaches of logic, there are big, obvious, confusing continuity errors that Ed Wood could have spotted. At one point, Eric Roberts goes for his morning run. As he leaves the house it is Winter and all the trees are barren, when he see him a little later, he's running through a tree-lined street, and the leaves have mysteriously returned to all the deciduous trees. He is a Phys Ed teacher, so I guess he was in good enough shape to run from Quebec to South Carolina.

Other scenes seem totally unnecessary. Patton and a henchman take Eric hunting. They wander through the woods. A pheasant is flushed. Shots are fired by Mr. Henchman. The action cuts away to something else, and we never find out why we were watching the hunting scene in the first place.

I was just watching this with my jaw slack, wondering how such an important theme with George C. Scott as a war criminal could possibly have devolved into an erotic thriller. It is not surprising that his film virtually disappeared from the face of the earth for ten years.

I feel kind of guilty saying this, but for the record - Diane Lane did show her breasts in some light-hearted sex scenes in between the war crime tribunals.

• Diane Lane (1, 2, 3, 4)

Other Crap:

• West Virginia makes the Elite Eight for the first time since Jerry West was in uniform. Bobby Knight will have to wait at least another year for his big comeback, but he did a great job with Texas Tech this year.
• Japanese develop breast enlargement gum.
• Letterman's "Top Ten Slogans For The Breast Enlargement Gum"
• The dream is over for the Wisconsin Milwaukee Beerdudes. They made a great showing. At one point it was 58-51, but in the final tally, Illinois had too many weapons for the Fightin' Cheeseaters.
• Say sayonara to the Washington Huskies.
• Banks being robbed by a Michael Moore impersonator. Now THAT is a crook with a sense of humor. Soon to be a Luc Besson movie.
• Conan O'Brien presents the Recliner of Rage. This is an odd concept.
• In case you were wondering after last night's South Park, Matt and Trey did NOT make Wing up. She is a real person, and her singing is ... unique ... (exactly as pictured on the show, if you can believe it). WingTunes.com
• I must say Bobby Fischer is looking marvelous!
• Canada just says "no" to the DMCA. The link provides a complete analysis of their new copyright reform legislation.
• Mozilla Firefox 1.0.2 is ready. (Basically security fixes to 1.0.1)
• Why is spam still around? Simple: one person in three has clicked on a link in a spam e-mail, and one in ten has actually bought something!! "If no-one responded to junk e-mail and didn't buy products sold in this way, then spam would be as extinct as the dinosaurs."
• Borowitz: REPORTER RETIRES; BLAMES BARRY BONDS. Slugger Pushed Him Over the Edge, Baseball Journalist Says
• Here's a follow-up to the story of Santa and the Playmate, this time with pictures. A lot has changed since the Playboy issue of April 1989. Santa, however, is looking a lot younger and thinner than I remember him. How does he eat cookies at every house and still stay so slim?
• Your Easter assignment - review Bill Hicks's comments on Easter. (Sixth one down). The site has other unpublished Hicks routines as well.
• "Hulk" Hogan officialy loses the right to use the word "Hulk". He will henceforth be known as "Ben" Hogan.
• The government finally indicts an important terrorist. " ... her client was using the laser to look at stars with his daughter when a plane was hit by the beam."
• Weekly World News: "TEEN HORRIFIED AFTER DOWNLOADING SKIN FLICK AND DISCOVERING... MOM AND DAD ARE PORNO STARS!" Wait - Thora Birch is still a teen?
• A 'big, clumsy horse' has made racing history by winning a race at odds of 200-1. Hold those tickets, however. She isn't queen yet.
• The Daily Show takes responsibility for Barry Bonds's pain, and looks back at their Mess o' Potamia coverage.
• Kyrgyz leader flees country. He's probably just in Hawaii, looking for some extra vowels at Kaaui Luanahaa.
• A penis double has sparked a new controversy for VINCENT GALLO's BROWN BUNNY movie - claiming he hasn't been paid for letting CHLOE SEVIGNY perform fellatio on him in the film. I can't tell whether this article is kidding.
• Barry Bonds finds another way to say "I might be getting a bit smaller without steroids": "But there has to come a time when I take some of this (muscular) weight off and forget what other people think or want me to do. If I want to live until I'm 80 years old, I'm going to have to become a leaner-type, cardio-type individual who keeps his heart rate up."
• Los Angeles District Attorney Steve Cooley says jurors who acquitted actor Robert Blake of murder are 'incredibly stupid.' As I recall, and it has been some time now so I may have forgotten, he is the guy who couldn't convince some normal people that an obviously guilty man was guilty. So who's the dummy?
• James Berardinelli's Review of Sin City.
  • He loved it
  • " ... there's plenty of nudity: Jamie King bears her breasts and Carla Gugino spends about 50% of her limited screen time wearing little or nothing. (Alba apparently attended the same stripper school as Natalie Portman - the one where the clothing stays on.) I'm glad Rodriguez stuck to his guns; a PG-13 version of Sin City would have been a crime. The one that exists is a pleasure."
• Steven Spielberg will NOT be directing the new Baywatch film for Dreamworks. They would like to announce that he will also NOT be directing:
  • Bill and Ted's Heinous Heist
  • Leonard, Part 7
  • Anal Intruders #68 and #70 (there is no #69 because it is all anal)
  • Doug's Second Movie
  • Matthew Lillard: A Man and His Movies
  • Arthur 3: Shaken, not Stirred
  • Burn, Hollywood, Burn Again: A Steven Spielberg Film
  • Still Can't Stop the Music
  • Cooler Than Ice
  • Gymkata II
  • It's Pat Again!
  • Plan 13 From Outer Space
  • Pedos: the Foot of Fate
  • Police Academy 8: The Bogota Beat
  • Wilder Wilder West
  • Dirty Dancing Three: The Bo Bolero
• Even if your kids are really tired of their toys, you probably still won't want to consider the Third Reich action figures! There's even one of the rotund Goering in his powder blue Luftwaffe suit.
• Guitarist Rod Price of Foghat Dies at 57
• Sears and K-Mart shareholders have approved their merger.
• Barney Martin, Jerry's Dad On 'Seinfeld,' Dies
• M. Night Shyamalan has decided to ditch Disney. "The Oscar-nominated helmer has announced he's leaving the Mouse House, where he built his reputation as one of Hollywood's most bankable directors, to make his next spookfest at Warner Bros."
• A journey through the time portal back to the fashion magazine advertisements of the 1960s and 70s.
  • "The beauty of practically anything relating to popular culture is that it looks absolutely stupid in thirty or forty years. The cases you're about to see, though, were probably stupid to begin with. Their ridiculousness has only been compounded by time."
• Jurors in Michael Jackson's child-molestation trial sat through an hour-long barrage of porn Wednesday, all of it seized in a police search of the pop star's home. Michael owns copies of "Plumpers and Big Women" and "Over 50"? What does that have to do with this case? Jacko uses pictures of fat old women to turn on little kids?
• Jolie sizzles atop 'FHM' sexiest list. (The link includes the entire list.) Jessica Alba is at #22. Check in again next year - I predict an improvement.
• The Three Stooges in "Disorder in the Court." Nyuck, nyuck!
• Ron Howard will direct The Serpent and the Eagle. The epic story, which originated at Universal, details the Spanish conquest of Mexico in 1520. Opie will also direct every other big budget movie between now and the end of time
• Here is a second trailer for Cinderella Man the Ron Howard boxing film with Russell Crowe. Russell may be a major league douchebag, but that guy can act, and he has some incredible presence on screen.
• I can't imagine why you would want to see this, but the trailer for 'Bewitched' is finally here. To be fair, the trailer seems kind of funny, in a "trying way too hard" kind of way.
• Four new clips from Sin City (four bottom links). If you don't know what this is, you ain't been payin' attention, amigo! Opens April 1.
• A trailer and clip from Kontroll
  • "The massive labyrinthine netherworld that is the Budapest subway system provides the stunning setting for 'Kontroll,' a high style, high speed romantic thriller in which the lives of assorted outcasts, lovers, and dreamers intersect and collide, and where one handsome young hero, one mysterious maiden, and one particularly nasty killer must conduct a race against time, trains, and destiny itself in their frantic pursuit of one another. 'Kontroll' was awarded the 23rd Prix de la Jeunesse presented in the Un Certain Regard section at the 2004 Cannes Film Festival, was Hungary's most successful film in the domestic box office in 2003 and is the country's official foreign language entry into the 2005 Academy Awards."
• Three new clips from Fever Pitch (Farrelly Brothers film about the Red Sox with Drew and Fallon)
• Two new clips from Beauty Shop
• This week's movies: D.E.B.S. - only on 45 screens - 40% positive reviews. I didn't realize that D.E.B.S. is supposed to be a spoof of girl power films. Most reviewers said that many individual scenes are funny but there is no glue to hold it together. On the other hand, the one major reviewer who saw it, Owen Gleiberman, basically said it sucked canal water and gave it his lowest grade (F).
• This week's films: Guess Who - 3200 screens - a suprisingly high 54% positive reviews. General consensus: the film is actually NOT a reversal of Guess Who's Coming to Dinner, but more of another take on Meet the Parents, with Bernie Mac as DeNiro. Bernie Mac was praised for his portrayal and Ashton Kutcher received a perfect attendance award for showing up in all of his scenes.
• This week's films: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - 11% good reviews - 3200 screens.
• Weekly World News: "TOPLESS PSYCHIATRIST TURNS GEEKS INTO STUDS -- WITH NIP-NOTISM"
• Singer Whitney Houston Enters Rehab Again

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Best Sex Scene in a Mainstream Movie
For this poll it's A-list only. No skinemax or adult stuff. You'll also notice a lack of lesbian lovin'....I'm saving that for another poll.

Here are the results of our most recent other polls...
The Top 20 Nude Scenes of 2004
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 80s
The Best Nude Film Debuts of the 90s
Which actress has been the most convincing playing a stripper.
Who has the best bum in Hollywood?
Best All Time Television Comedy
Best Nudity in an Oscar-winning performance.

Email Scoopy Jr. with more nominees, comments or suggestions.

Today the Ghost takes a look at the Skinemax flick, "Visions of Passion" (2003).

• Foot fetish adult-film babe AnnMarie showing breasts and some pubes while doing a dude. The scene is in both color and B&W. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• AnnMarie zipped .wmvs (1, 2)

• Mia Zottoli aka Ava Lake. Showing off her robo-boobs in links 1 and 2, and going full frontal while flying solo in links 3 and 4. (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Mia Zottoli zipped .wmvs. In #1 she has some sex. In #2 we see her masturbate. In #3 she has a lesbo scene with someone I can't ID. (1, 2, 3)

• Regina Russell is topless in 1 and 2, shows all 3 B's in #3. (1, 2, 3)
• Regina Russell zipped .wmvs (1, 2)

• Regina Russell and Mia Zottoli have some lesbo lovin' (1, 2)
• Regina Russell and Mia Zottoli zipped .wmv

Scoops,
Here are a few 'caps from the 1972 Jesus Franco flick, "The Demons".

For the most part, this is mostly start to finish Franco-sleaze. We have naked nuns either seducing each other, or getting themselves tortured (they had to undress for that too, of course). Noble ladies either walking around in their nightgowns or indulging in the odd bum fondling session, etc. Oh and there’s some story too. It seems there is a possessed nun who can turn people into skeletons just by kissing them. I guess we’ve all known rubbish kissers in our time...

• Anne Libert (1, 2)
• Britt Nichols (1, 2)
• Karin Field (1, 2)

Genevieve Howard

Jeremy Green
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

BUSH TWINS IN BIKINIS RILE REPUBLICANS
No Bush - Some Republicans are angry over the new issue of Maxim. As an April Fool's gag, the men's mag ran a photo of Barbara and Jenna Bush's heads very realistically PhotoShopped onto the bodies of two hot swimsuit models. The editor said they didn't want to step on anyone's toes, but when they needed a prank for the "Girl Page," everyone suggested the Bush Twins first, and since they worked on their dad's campaign, they decided they were fair game.

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