Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Three (2004)

Also known as The Billy Zane Sinking Ship Tetralogy, Part Four

I'd like to know how many times commercial filmmakers are going to remake The Admirable Crichton. I, for one, have been sick of these remakes since before many of you were born.

You never heard of The Admirable Crichton? I suppose I never would have either, had I not I majored in English Lit, with a specialty in Modern British and Irish Drama. (Very useful for making a living, right? Of course, that was the late sixties, when making a living was considered a sell-out.) At any rate, it is a play written by the same odd little man who wrote Peter Pan, J.M. Barrie, and the two plays were written at about the same time, just after the turn of the century. You can read the play online if you really care to, for it is in the public domain.

The plot was essentially this:

Rich couple gets shipwrecked with their butler. In the new dynamic of the island, the butler becomes the leader, because he is the only one with the grit and intelligence for survival, and the aristocrats take orders from him. When everyone is saved, the Lords and Ladies return to their high station, and Crichton goes back to being a butler.

Hey, don't get your hopes up for the play's potential for hot butler-on-girl action. This was not a predecessor of Red Shoe Diaries, although the condescending Lady did eventually find herself falling in love with her dynamic, ingenious butler - but only until they were rescued. J.M. Barrie was not much interested in sex, if at all. Although he married, some of his biographers have suggested that his marriage was never consummated and that he died a virgin. The relationship between Barrie's life and his most famous concept, a juvenile frozen in boyhood, would certainly have been an interesting topic for the analytical skills of his contemporary, Dr. Freud, because Barrie himself never grew up in many ways. He stopped growing in boyhood (he was about five feet tall), and apparently never developed any adult sexual capability. "Boys cannot love" is how he was said to have explained his impotence to his wife Mary, shortly before she divorced his tiny ass. In other words, he wasn't anything like Johnny Depp.

The Admirable Crichton itself has been made into several eponymous motion pictures, the first one coming out of the silent film era, and the most memorable starring Kenneth More as Crichton. As the twentieth century progressed and the leisure classes developed an ever increasing interest in sex, various filmmakers with a healthier libido than Mr. Barrie started to realize that the entire dynamic of The Admirable Crichton really ought to have a sexual component. After all, as the "dominant male" on the island, wouldn't Crichton also get the hottest babe(s)?

Enter Lina Wertmuller and her "Swept Away ..." in 1974, in which the guy from the lower classes asserts his complete domination over the Lady when they get shipwrecked. He knows she can't survive unless he provides for her, and she knows it too, so he uses this advantage for his amusement, beating her, abusing her, raping her, turning her into his menial slave, and so forth.

Swept Away was remade by Guy Ritchie into a notorious stinker in 2002. Ritchie chose unwisely to feature a certain non-actress named  Madonna as the rich bitch. I doubt if he had many options, since he was married to her.

The latest twist on the story is called Three. A rich couple (Billy Zane and Kelly Brook) take a private yacht into the South Seas. It sinks. What is the deal with Billy Zane and boats? This is the fourth film in which he has gone down on a sinking ship! (Dead Calm, Titanic, Cleopatra). At any rate, Zane is nowhere to be seen when Kelly washes ashore on L'isle D'Gilligan with Manuel, the hired hand. The usual Admirable Crichton dynamic takes over. Manuel is the one with survival skills, and he's a horny guy, so she becomes dependent on the handsome hunk, and they become romantically involved. This actually seems to be working out quite well until the scriptwriter remembers that the Gilligan's Island theme song mentions "the millionaire and his wife." Enter the millionaire, who washes up on the same island. Oh, you know it's gonna get nasty in a "two men enter, one man leaves" kind of way, except this island thunderdome involves Zany Bill instead of Mad Max.

The film's distribution has been problematical, and rumors circulated that Zane did everything he could to block its uncut release after he and Brook became a real-life couple. Something about nude scenes! Perhaps the greatest problem is that Brook is not seen loving long time with Mr. Zane, but mainly with a hunky guy from Argentina named Juan Di Pace. Whatever Zane's arguments may have been, they had no legal merit, and the film is available now in Greece. Given the internet, that means it will probably be seen everywhere immediately, because the astounding and naked Ms. Brook was recently chosen by FHM magazine as the sexiest woman on this or any other planet.

Here are three film clips of Kelly making hay with Manuel (If you live in Scotland, he's the guy who plays Luca on River City, that soap opera about Glasgow.)

  • Kelly Brook (1, 2, 3)

'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today we take a look at "Malèna", an Oscar nominated movie set in war time Sicily during World War 2. It's the story of a young 12 year old boy growing up and being fascinated by and falling in love with an older woman who is widowed by the war. Malena is beautiful and has to do many things to survive. A very good and thought provoking movie.

Malena is played by Monica Bellucci with some scenes of nudity and the final scenes of brutality as she is beaten by the women of her village. She was lusted after by the men and scorned by the women.

Monica Bellucci

Crimson Ghost
Today the Ghost takes a look at the Skinemax flick "Naked Ambition" (2005).

Here is adult actress Ava Vincent mostly going topless, but we also see some rear views and some near frontal nudity.

Yet another Adult babe, Alaura Eden. Alaura shows off her breasts and bum while getttin' it on in a variety of positions with two separate dudes.

DeadLamb takes another look at Kelly Brook's excellent toplessness and rear nudity from "Three".

DAI takes a look at Mandy Moore showing off a great down blouse view on last week's episode of the excellent made for HBO series, "Entourage".

Thanks to the Skin-man for these 'caps of Heather Graham in "Killing Me Softly". I thought the movie was pure pig stink. But still, how can you hate anything that gives us so much wonderful nudity! I'm sure I'll watch it a dozen more times.

Movie Reviews


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  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap " ... a whale tail is the effect that happens when a girl's G-string or thong becomes exposed as she walks, bends over, or squats."


Where did the glitterati spend their summers?

Bullshit: FCC Hears It On Novak Outburst. This is funny. After The Douchebag of Liberty said "bullshit" on TV, various people complained to the FCC with obviously tongue-in-cheek letters, echoing and parodying the Janet Jackson outrage. (Well, I assume they are speaking tongue-in-cheek. Or perhaps they are just lunatics.)

Greenpeace International's 404 page.

  • I guess you're wondering what I was doing on the Greenpeace page. I'll tell you. The albatross and the whale, they are my brothers. Well, actually that's not completely true. The albatross is my brother, or at least my half-brother. The whale, however, is only my cousin by marriage.

Family guy: Cookie Monster in rehab

Script Review - Die Hard 4.0

'Idiots Drink Us, So Should You' Snapple Campaign Cancelled

President Bush Places Cindy Sheehan On Axis Of Evil

The trailer for The Prize Winner of Defiance Ohio, a drama which is being touted for Oscar consideration.

Fats Domino update: Fats found again. In other news, Ted Turner announced the formation of the first all-reality network, the Domino Network, which will make sure Fats doesn't get lost again by following him 24/7, except for occasional cutaways to follow Chubby Checker.

How did the introduce the new Playstation Portable in Sweden? Well, I guess I could have left "Playstation Portable" out of the question, because they introduce all products the same way in Sweden - with naked chicks! Very sensible, as I see it.

Another movie of the week for Michael Rapaport - Thief leaves his name tag behind.

  • As if that weren't dumb enough, his crime was to steal teaching equipment from a pre-school for students from low income families! Wow, that'll fetch a pretty penny on the black market!
  • Wait, I'm not finished yet. When the police found the equipment, it was damaged!

Three clips from an indie drama named Loggerheads

  • "Inspired by true events, 'Loggerheads' tells the story of an adoption 'triad' -birth mother, child, and adoptive parents - each in three interwoven stories in the days leading up to Mother's Day weekend, and each in one of the three distinctive geographical regions of North Carolina: mountains, Piedmont and coastal plain. In Asheville, Grace (Bonnie Hunt), an airport car-rental agent living with her mother (Michael Learned), quits her job and embarks on a long-delayed quest: facing the legal barriers that keep her from finding the son she gave up for adoption when she was a teenager. Across the state in Kure Beach, Mark (Kip Pardue), a young man obsessed with saving loggerhead sea turtles, meets George (Michael Kelly), a friendly motel owner with some secrets of his own, who offers him a place to stay. In the center of the state is the small town of Eden, where a minister's wife (Tess Harper) struggles to confront her conservative husband (Chris Sarandon) over their estrangement from their son."

Recording industry sues everyone else not covered by previous suits.


USATODAY - fall movie preview

Incredible satellite photo of Hurricane Katrina, right about at landfall.

"You Are a Fucking Moron" is back - to explain Scientology

Fats Domino update! Fats Domino still 'rescued but missing' again!


  • In May 2005, The Dudes were hired to create a pilot for FOX. This cut includes live stage segments and laugh track in hopes of appealing to a broad audience. TRT: 19 Minutes
  • After FOX passed, The Dudes cut a new version of Awesometown in hopes of appealing to MTV or Comedy Central. Although those networks ultimately passed as well, this cut is more The Dudes' style and doesn't make them cringe as much. Contains nudity!

Dave Barry picked this as the headline of the day, and I just can't think of any reason to dispute him Suicide Grasshoppers Brainwashed by Parasite Worms. Soon to be a Uwe Boll movie.

Pat Reeder
Pat's comments in yellow...

You Need A REASON?! - Halle Berry says she knows there was no reason for her first topless scene, sitting by a pool in "Swordfish," but she had to do it to get over her fear of nudity for "Monster's Ball." She said it was "very exploitive...Just sit there, show 'em, get past my fear and move on...I thought, 'They've already seen my (boobs), they're not going to see much more than that, so hey.'" But she doubts she'd show them again in another scene like that, adding, "That moment has passed."

  • But thanks to the DVD pause button, it will be with us forever.
  • That moment will never pass as long as it's the screensaver on 5 million computers.
  • Offhand, I can think of TWO very good reasons for that scene.

    An Education In "Reality" - Prof. Frances Kaye of the University of Nebraska-Lincoln says she's furious that the producers of "Tommy Lee Goes To College" lied to her about how they would use footage from her Native American literature class. The class was discussing Lee's autobiography, and the reality show was edited to make it seem that she was talking about a chapter in which Lee has a conversation with his penis, which she called "a beautiful and enduring symbol." She said she was actually talking about childbirth and was "grossly misrepresented."

  • The lesson: If you don't want to have penises put in your mouth, never appear on video with Tommy Lee.
  • She wants the students' parents to know that she was leading a serious literary discussion of Tommy Lee's autobiography!
  • But Tommy's entire book is about his conversation with his penis!...So is his entire show!...And his entire life!

    Woody Prefers Dakota Fanning - Hot young actress Scarlett Johansson complained that after she co-starred with Bill Murray in "Lost In Translation" and said she liked older men, only older men asked her out. That seemed to be cured when she began dating Josh Hartnett, but now she's done it again by filling out a survey for Cosmopolitan that asked her to name the sexiest man in Hollywood. She chose Woody Allen, who directed her in two new movies.

  • And who will now be casting her in at least three more.
  • She's like a daughter to Woody, which means he finds her sexy, too.
  • Actually, she's a little old for Woody.

    Or An Old Man's Night Shirt - Scarlett also said she feels sexiest in a man's white shirt, and she thinks sex is appropriate on a first date.

  • But only if your date is a mature adult, over 60.

  • Tuna

    Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is

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