Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Junior is on holiday, so I am your acting compere for a couple of weeks.


She's arguably the most beautiful woman I've ever seen; she showed up at the MTV movie awards wearing a transparent dress without a bra; her breasts are perfect; photographers captured her in HQ images.

What more is there to say?

There aren't sufficient words for Alba's beauty anyway. She would have given Shakespeare writer's block. The only negative to say about her is that her perfection is just so damned annoying for those of us cursed to mere mortality.

Some other women shone at that event, but were mere fourth magnitude stars, as dim and undefined as photographic ghosts beside the overwhelming brilliance that is L'Alba.


She's at it again

  • Yawn. Those Paris Hilton topless pics from the other day, the ones that looked like a strip from a photo booth, were actually clips from this live German TV program. While holding one's nose, one must admit that she looks great  (zipped .wmv)



Other Crap:


Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

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Here are the latest movie reviews available at


  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


Stripped to Kill (1987


Stripped to Kill (1987) is the first of the ripped stripper films. It is no big surprise that Roger Corman produced it. When strippers start dying at the Rock Bottom club, run by Norman Fell, Kay Lenz goes in under cover as a stripper, but discovers she likes the power stripping gives her.

2/3 of the film is strip numbers, 1/3 murder mystery, with a suitably strange ending. Unfortunately, the photography was not at all good.

IMDb readers say 4.4. It probably deserves more respect than that as the first of a popular exploitation genre. It is a C-, lots of boobs and a little murder mystery.

  • Thumbnails (1, 2, 3)
  • Kay Lenz ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Michelle Foreman ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
  • Pia Kamakahi ( 1, 2, 3)
  • Deborah Ann Nassar ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Carlye Byron. ( 1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Finishing up with yesterdays "Hankster Light" from "Lovers Leap".
  • First up is Sara Suzanne Brown in a lovemaking scene (1, 2, 3, 4), followed by standing naked on a balcony (1, 2, 3). This hot b-movie babe gives it all up in these scenes. 
  • Then Fawna MacLaren (1, 2, 3) shows off her robo-hooters while trying to seduce her ex-boyfriend's son.
We wrap it up with a left over from the last "Time Machine" trip: a topless unknown "Babe in Bondage" getting a whipping in 1968's "The Lustful Turk".  (1, 2, 3)

Johnny Moronic

'Caps and comments by Johnny Moronic:

Elektra is a poorly written film that spends the first half going round in circles trying to hide obvious plot points until something finally makes sense, but by then the final showdown is upon us. Jennifer Garner is all pouty and moody throughout and let's face it, this role ain't that much removed from her role on Alias. I remember watching Suddenly 30 (13 Going on 30) and thinking, shit, Jennifer has a personality. It's just that her role in Alias and here in Elektra is so robotic. Then again, how many action heroes from America have a personality.

Her red costume is great and the cover I've got in front of me is rather distracting. Now Jennifer, all you need to do is smile. Come on, it's not that hard.



In the Louisiana swamp, people are disappearing, including the last sheriff. A new one comes in to replace, him and takes over the investigation. But he also has to deal with an environmentalist who he takes a shine to and an oil baron who is displacing the natives from their homes for more oil. Eventually, we find out that the people have been eaten by a monster, who the natives call "Manthing" and it's up to the sheriff, the environmentalist and a disgraced native to bring it down. If you can get over a bunch of Aussies (including some fairly decent actors) butchering up a Southern accent, this film is a simple Marvel comic book adaptation that doesn't try for anything grandiose (hence it's straight to DVD status), but comes out so much better than Elektra, it's precedent Daredevil and a whole bunch of other crappy adaptations. It's not great, but it's much more watchable than the films mentioned. And Imogen Bailey getting naked in the opening scene is a nice addition.

  • Imogen Bailey (1, 2, 3, 4) Topless in the last three.



In Face of Terror, Rick Shroeder is looking for his sister who has disappeared while modeling in Spain. With the help of an assistant at her modeling agency, he tracks her down, but it seems she's involved in a terrorist plot which well, seems ingenious, but let's face it, is pretty convoluted. Some nice looking women in this film, and a liberal dose of nudity help, but don't expect anything great and you'll probably enjoy this film.

  • Paulina Galvez (1, 2)  Topless in both.
  • Marta Nieto (1, 2, 3, 4) Topless in all.
  • Rachel Stevens (1, 2, 3, 4) No nudity.



The Wrong Girl is a standard made-for-TV movie plot about a mother who does not like the woman who her son has fallen in love with. Throughout this movie, I just kept wanting this girl to prove the mother wrong, then I realise I just wanted the girl to kill the mother, like she did the son. God, that mother was a bitch.

  • Zoe McLellan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9) No nudity.



Having been doing too many music videos lately, most recent ones haven't interested me, and I really don't know what possessed me to cap this either. Tamara was a part of a TV made pop group, who were terribly mismatched, and disbanded before the year was out. Tamara is the first of the group to go solo, and with this effort, she won't last long. The song (Ooh, Aah) is pure, unadulterated shit.

  • Tamara Jabar (1, 2, 3, 4) No nudity.
Tara Moss
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Quite a resumé. She's an actress. She's a model. She's the #1 crime writer in Australia. Read more here.


Grethe Ryan
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Marvin's caps from the 1976 Norwegian movie, Den Sommeren jeg fylte 15


Kim Hye-Su
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

The beautiful South Korean babe (and martial arts expert) in 2004's Hypnotized. (Whatever that is.)


Kerry (Katona) McFadden The former Atomic Kitten caught sunning by the paparazzi, as featured in The Sun. The newspaper reports that she is showing off a fresh boob job of double Fs.


Marguerite Moreau

Dann's caps from Easy. He wrote: Marguerite Moreau plays likeable loser Jaime Harris in this 2003 comedy romance. Jaime is a namer, a person who gives products their identity. Her name for herself is "jerk magnet", as she bounces from one sorry boyfriend to the next. Expecting the worse, she suddenly finds herself confronted with the problem of meeting two really nice guys almost at the same time. This funny and very pleasant film, with a top-rate acting job by Marguerite Moreau, was a big hit at Sundance 2004, and most viewers will probably enjoy it a lot.


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