"The Big Blue"

The Big Blue (1988) is a Luc Besson film available on DVD in a directors cut with an additional 49 minutes of running time. There is more than enough running time to explore several relationships, and, in the end, I think that is what this film is about. It could be summarized as a pecker contest between French American Jacques (Jean-Marc Barr) and Italian Enzo (Jean Reno) for the worlds deepest free dive championship and a love story between Jacques and Rosanna Arquette, an insurance secretary who falls instantly in love with him in Peru, and follows him to Italy. Jacques and Enzo grew up together on a Greek island, and shared a competitive love of the sea and diving. After Enzo makes it big, he sends for Jacques to compete.

None of the relationships are simple. Enzo and Jacques have a deep friendship born of common history, mutual respect and a common love, the sea. Yet, they are fierce competitors. Jacques is completely enamored of Arquette, but only comes alive swimming with dolphins, and his real mistress is the bottom of the ocean. Arquette sees early on that the sea is her rival, but hopes her love is enough to carry the relationship.

If this sounds like a lot of relationship talk for a film about a pecker contest, you are starting to get the idea. There is a lot of positive news, including good breast exposure from Arquette, as well as some see through action, wonderful photography shot in Peru, New York, Sicily, France and Greece, and some amazing underwater dolphin shots. It is a very long watch in this extended version, although it does at least make sense now with the additional material.

IMDB has it at 7.3 of 10. This is a difficult one for me to score. I made it through the entire thing this time without the fast forward, and felt that I knew the characters. I understood the dark and rather strange ending. As it was my first viewing, the cinematography and locations were one of the stars of the film this time through it. I suppose this is an epic character driven drama, and the criteria becomes are these people you would willingly spend that much of your life with. I am going to say C, a very solid if somewhat long film that genre fans should see once.

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  • Rosanna Arquette (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

    "On the Line"

    On the Line (1984), at its most basic level, is a 50 year old putdown:

    "Do you know what Chuck did with his first 50 cent piece?"

    "He married her."

    However, this was a near miss, and only lacked one casting decision and a little direction of being an excellent film. Jeff Delger as Chuck and his best friend Jonathan (Paul Richardson) leave the midwest and move to Laredo to meet up with Chuck's uncle (David Carridine), who they think is a border patrolman. Turns out uncle has changed sides, and is now a "coyote," actually smuggling illegals into the country. His rival is hardass and bigoted border patrolman Scott Wilson.

    The kids end up joining the border patrol, and Chuck discovers the joy of sex across the border with Victoria Abril. He is instantly in love and wants to be with her always. Scott Wilson also has the hots for her, doesn't want to lose his favorite regular piece, and feels like a whore and a wetback are nothing but dirt anyway.

    Chuck marries Abril and smuggles her into the US, but Wilson gets her deported. When Chuck switches sides, he is caught by his former colleagues for smuggling.

    The biggest problem with this film was Jeff Delger. The role cried out for a Ferris Buehler, and we got Jason Priestly on prozac instead. There were a host of colorful characters, interesting moral dilemmas, good perspective on the entire illegal immigrant problem, and some great locations. The two young recruits were a good study in contrasting character types, as were Wilson and Carridine. Sam Jaffe had an entirely too brief cameo. Abril shows everything in a very well lit nude scene. There is a darker sex scene later, but very little is shown.

    IMDb readers have this at 4.6 of 10, which is not entirely fair. There is much of merit in the film, and promise of much more. This is a C-.

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  • Victoria Abril (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    I didn't get anything written up or collaged today, because I spent the entire day on Paris Hilton watch, with disappointing results.


    As you may know, Paris's full-length video is now available on the internet.

    • Trust Fund Girls is the site that has the complete 37 minute Paris Hilton video. It is pricey. 50 bucks gets you 5 days of access, not permanent rights, you can watch it no more than five times, it's copy-protected, it will only play on the Winbdows Media Player 9,  and the video is DirectX, so no easy screen snaps. The video is, however, completely legit. I paid my fifty bucks and watched it. It is certainly Paris and Rick. It finishes with a five to seven minute BJ, in good natural light (not night-vision), with Paris's breasts in the shot the entire time. The grand finale is a money shot on her chest. These two would make excellent porn stars. Rick has a big one which stays hard constantly, and Paris is a champion sword swallower.

    As of now, some guys have hacked it and you'll be seeing free versions on the web and on Usenet soon. (If you are into Usenet, keep an eye on alt.binaries.multimedia.nude.celebrities, and alt.binaries.howard-stern).

    You read a couple of days ago that Paris was suing some company in Panama. Nobody seemed to know who they are or what they have to do with the video. The origional players were Paris, Salomon, and an internet company in Seattle. This domain is registered to a company in Czech  - well, at least that's what they say. All their addresses and phone numbers are completely bogus, so they probably just picked The Czech Republic at random.

    But here's a fact which is even more mysterious - the company registered this domain on June 5 of last year! Have they known for all those months that they were going to get this video? And what the hell does Panama have to do with anything?

    Stay tuned. You know there has to be a lot more that we don't know.




    • Swordfish. Hey, it's only a quick look at some breasts, but they are in good light, and they belong to Halle Berry. That's enough for me.



    • Charlie's French Celebrity Nudity site is updated. Charlie also brought us some news of a new film not yet in theatrical release:
    "We already have a VERY strong contender for the best nude scene of 2004. (Neve Campbell will have to really get loose in her much publicized upcoming one if she wants to win it).

    You may remember a few months ago I mentioned a full frontal aquatic scene for Juliette Lewis in the upcoming Blueberry. Well, it has just been released and I was able to screen it. She is indeed fully nude underwater, but more than that. Unexpectedly, she also spreads her legs wide, very explicitly, looking at you invitingly in a lengthy and clear shot! Had she not been an unshaved brunette, very little would have been left to your imagination.

    The film opens with a nice nude scene of Vahina Giocante and ends with Juliette underwater. The 2 hours in between are pretty boring despite great cinematography: way too many Indian spirits & dreaming sequences and not enough fight scenes and gun shots for a western (not to mention the erratic script). "







    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.


    Two classics:

    1. An obscure movie, but a great nude scene. Kelly Lynch running around buck naked in Warm Summer Rain, which has never come to DVD. (.avi version, .wmv version)

    2. Kathleen Turner and Bill Hurt in one of the sexiest films ever made, one which made them both A-list stars: Body Heat. (.avi version, .wmv version)




    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Bummer (1973) is a story of rock band and its groupies. The band is a quartet, the groupies a trio. And therein lies the problem because of two unnatural acts:

    1) The groupies are monogamous. Rather than spread the wealth, each finds her fella and beds him only. Think of them as groupies with a strong moral footing... an extinct species.

    2) The band members are otherwise without female companionship. No girlfriends, no other groupies, no one but the three girls in question. That is just plain silly. Even the least attractive, scrawny-assed rock musician gets more poontang than Hef himself. Look at Steve Tyler. Hell, look at Mick Jagger. Ever seen a less attractive male of the human species? And Rod Stewart. My grandfather looked better than him on his frickin death-bed. But he's getting so much ass Rachel Hunter bores him. He should be strung up by his gonies for that alone.

    So let's review the math. Four horny musicians, three virtuous groupies (sic). Someone is gonna get good and pissed somewhere along the line. That someone is played by veteran B movie badguy, Dennis Burkley, is his very first role. You would recognize him instantly. Real big dude, scraggly beard, scruffy-looking... done about 70 movies and 200 episodes of tv shows. Always plays the heavy... in more ways than one. Wonder if he knew that the character he played in his first job would be the character he'd play in all others.

    Because the mayhem starts and ends in the last reel, the movie spends its time following the three girls around as they seek work and recreation. They are played by Connie Strickland as the rebellious rich girl, Diane Lee Hart as the shy but sexy white-trash gal (a part she played again in Giant Spider Invasion and The Pom Pom Girls) and uber-cutie Carol Speed.

    Connie had a 3-yr, 6-film career in which she usually played the classy gal who gave up the goodies. Had the pleasure of capping her a while back in The Centerfold Girls. In Bummer she is nekkid a lot. Seven collages worth:

    Diane Lee Hart is also frequently nekkid. She shows peek-a-boo hooties and bum in the first collage (she. too, is forced to undress by the band heavy), does a long topless scene with her chosen band member (collages 2 and 3) and finishes up with a boobs and bum thing in collage 4.

    • Diane Lee Hart (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The third groupie, played by Carol Speed, shows us nothing. She does wear some interesting tops in a couple of scenes, and since Carol appears to have remained clothed throughout her acting career, I grabbed those frames and stuck them together.

    Two other women, playing employees of a strip club, provided more eye-candy. Heather Collins plays a topless waitress. For her the term, topless, is a true oxymoron. She was blessed by nature with a form that many have wasted good money in hopes of acquiring. Or as they say in Texas, nice rack. Two collages worth. This is Heather's only appearance on-screen. Me thinks that a crime, what with her body and everything.

    • Heather Collins (1, 2)

    And then there is the ever-popular uncredited stripper in a serious triple-B dance. Every movie ought to have an uncredited stripper. Sometimes it seems that every movie does.

    Bummer, then, is the kind of movie I would never recommend to a person of good taste. IMDb gives it a 2.1, which places it in the company of some truly reviled films. I think that too harsh. It is silly but not obnoxious, stupid but not disgusting... and if you are blessed with a penchant for watching bad movies, it is a dream come true.

    Two more collages are included in this go-around. They come from two uncredited babes who show up in every damn Troma DVD, in the bonus materials. Capped them more than a year ago and just want to get them off my harddrive. Tried to figure who they were but came up with nada. If'n you know, kind reader, please pass along the info to your local Scoopy.

    'Caps and comments by CKRoach:

    Cold war double feature.

    I have a double movie review today. The two movies come as part of a single DVD titled "Classic CIA KGB Movies.

    The first movie is titled "The Deadly Recruits". This is a 1986 British made for TV movie directed by Roger Tucker.

    The movie stars veteran actor Terrence Stamp as spymaster David Audley. This character would be back for two other TV spy movies ("The Cold War Killers" and "The Alamut Ambush") during 1986. Carmen du Sautoy plays his wife Faith Audley. It is interesting to note that she would also appear in "The Alamut Ambush."

    The movie follows the disappearance of two bright students from Oxford. When one of the students turns up dead in a motorcycle crash, Audley gets involved. As the case is methodically dissected it leads to an assassination plot against a visiting foreign dignitary. Audley's group relentlessly follows each lead to the point of even sending his wife (du Sautoy) to track a lead that leads to a dead end with a religious cult.

    What is interesting is that this movie is the antithesis of the action spy movie. The movie is a highly cerebral thriller with little action and lots of thinking. There are no high-speed car chases, no fistfights, and (until the pheasant hunt) no firearms. There are lots of mysteries and puzzles for the viewer to try to unravel. There is even some intellectual discussion of Roman military operation by a group of scholars that Audley has infiltrated by his team.

    The only down side to this movie is that the DVD transfer was poor. It also lacks any meaningful special features. However on a multi movie DVD that sold for under six dollars at Suncoast, I suppose I can't complain.

    The visual highlight of the film is du Sautoy taking a bath. We see her side view from the bathroom door and a frontal view as she scrubs her breasts while talking to her husband. Unfortunately the cameraman wasn't trained to use the correct angle to film a bath scene, we are left barely getting more than an partial nipple.

    The movie hasn't yet garnered a rating from the IMDb. If you are a member, or just like intelligent spy flicks, please invest the six bucks and rate this movie.

    The second movie on this DVD is titled "Laser Mission".

    It stars the late Brandon Lee as "Michael Gold" a low class James Bond wannabe. As his sidekick we have Debi A. Monahan playing the dumb blonde veterinarian "Alissa." Strangely, this B-grade action flick has veteran actor Ernest Borginine reciting a terrible script as the German "Professor Braun." as one of their evil opponents is Graham Clarke as Col Kalishnikov. This pathetic attempt at an action spy flick was directed by BJ Davis whose resume seems to be mainly as a stunt coordinator.

    As you have probably already guessed, this movie is awful. Perhaps awful enough to be barely entertaining. The story is of a young mercenary (Gold) sent to an African nation (patterned after Angola) to bring back a laser scientist (Braun) and a stolen diamond. It seems that the Soviets want Braun to use the diamond and a laser to make a nuclear weapon for them (As if the soviets didn't already have enough nuclear weapons) so they have him kidnapped by a safari guide/agent. Early on Gold is captured by the Cubans/Soviets. He is threatened with a trip to the guillotine (which should have been used on the scriptwriter) in the morning if he doesn't cooperate. True to his style Gold steal a razor from a guard, uses it to mow down a bunch more of them, steal a sophisticated weapon and then escape. In the process he mows down another zillion Cubans with a rifle.

    He returns to the U.S. Embassy and is reassigned to go back and get the professor. He is told to contact the professor's daughter (who also happens to be a KGB veterinarian) for assistance.

    As comic relief (and perhaps the best acting in the movie) there are two Cuban soldiers "Roberta and Manuel." They are played by Maureen Lahoud and Pierre Knoessen. They deliver an amateurish, "Laurel & Hardy" kind of act as they try to catch GOLD for their Russian boss played by Graham Clarke.

    Throughout this ridiculous movie Alissa wears a blue party dress with an enormous amount of cleavage. She wears this is one of the dumbest car chases on film and even wears it (along with spike heels) while crossing 400 miles of the Namibian "Skeleton Coast). " This dress must be an invention of Q, because she is able to survive this desert trek without the benefit of water and never gets sunburned either.

    The movie has Alissa showing mega-cleavage and always seeming to be ready to finally show her chest. Alas, the one thing, which would redeem this waste of film, we only get close to and never quite see it all. She shows the most when Kalishnikov pulls her dress apart only partially (showing the most skin in the movie) while attempting to torture her. I always assumed the Soviets could accomplish this sort of thing but obviously it doesn't quite happen.

    The movie is somewhat saved when Roberta loses her shirt after driving their car off a dock during a car chase. She shows some super pokies beneath her wet undershirt. And draws the ridicules comment from Manuel "Your a woman."

    The DVD version as viewed had terrible quality. It almost looked homemade. As with the other movie on the disc, there are no meaningful special features. But for under six dollars, I cant make too much of a fuss.

    The IMDb rates this flick at 2.6/10

    Jacqueline Bisset
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    As the Comic Book Guy might say, "Best..Wet T-Shirt...Ever". Excellent 'caps by Mr. Nude Celeb of the UK actress looking great soaking wet (and underwater) in scenes from the 1977 movie "The Deep".

    Michelle Trachtenberg The co-star of the "Buffy" TV series as well as one of our favorite TV shows ever, "The Adventures of Pete & Pete". Here she is showing a ton of cleavage in an ad for her new movie "Eurotrip".

    Clare Sims
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

    Señor Skin 'caps of Sims topless in a love scene from an episode of "The Hunger".

    Shameless Plug O' the Day
    Regular readers probably recognize the name Pat Reeder as the guy from The Comedy Wire section of the Fun House. In real life...he's also the guy who writes the jokes that your DJ tells every morning during your drive to work.

    As we've mentioned in the past, back in the day Pat partnered up with another radio man, George Gimarc, and wrote a very funny book called "Hollywood Hi-Fi". For those who have forgotten our previous praise and ramblings..."Hollywood Hi-Fi" a tribute to all the worst albums every recorded by so-called celebrity singers like Bill Shatner and Crispin Glover.

    Here's what the critics have said: The Phoenix Sun named it the "Best Weird Book of the Year," and Cool & Strange Music magazine called it the "Best Hard-To-Find Book of the Year,"

    The book has been out of print for several years and is hard to find, but for fans of actors trying to be singers, we have good news.... George Gimarc has as come into a stash of "Hollywood Hi-Fi", direct from the publisher's warehouse! These are NEW, autographed copies that you can pick up for online for $10 (over 30% off the the original price of $14.95!).

    Click here to check out excerpts from the book, as well as all the info you need to pick up your own copy!

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Catering To Peer Pressure - A study of over 1,000 British brides-to-be by You & Your Wedding magazine found that the cost of an average wedding is up to 15,764 pounds ($29,830 US). The bride spends $1750 on her gown, plus $250 for a "going-away" outfit. There are an average of 111 guests at $85 each. Catering costs $4600, the honeymoon costs $5350, and $1450 is spent on photography. The cost is so high, both sets of parents now commonly split it, some couple ask for donations rather than gifts. Nearly 7 in 10 brides say the cost and organization of the "happiest day of their lives" is causing them huge stress.

  • But it's all downhill from there.
  • On the bright side, parenthood will make both the stress and the cost seem like nothing.
  • It is the happiest day, though, because the credit card bills haven't arrived yet.
  • The bride spends $250 on a honeymoon outfit, and the groom just wants her naked.

    Pray For Wardrobe Malfunctions - The Super Bowl Halftime Show got all the press, but the competing Pay-Per-View show "The Lingerie Bowl," featuring underwear-clad models playing football, did so well, they are organizing a Lingerie Football League. It will start with four teams -- the Chicago Passion, Los Angeles Dream, New York Euphoria and Dallas Desire -- from towns chosen for their rich "football tradition." The producers will soon hold casting calls for lingerie models in each city to sign to the teams.

  • The football tradition in these cities is rich, and so are their plastic surgeons.
  • Sounds like these towns were chosen for their rich supply of strippers.
  • I might watch this if Justin Timberlake were the referee.
  • The Lingerie Bowl is now the wholesome, family alternative to the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

    Weapon Of Mass Distraction - Harvard's Commission on College Life voted to approve a student-run porn magazine called "H-Bomb" that will feature articles about campus sexual issues and nude photos of Harvard undergraduates. They approved it after checking out an erotic magazine called Squirm that's published by Vassar students. To avoid liability problems, the models must be over 18 and the nude photos can't be taken inside Harvard buildings.

  • Are they liable when students get pneumonia from posing nude outdoors in Boston in February?
  • And no nude photos of alumni! Nobody wants to see Ted Kennedy naked!
  • And I used to worry about how bad I looked in school YEARBOOK photos!
  • The Vassar magazine is called Squirm because Vassar girls look really bad naked.

    Then She Turns Sideways And Disappears - For those sick of the dark, green, three-minute excerpt of the Paris Hilton sex video, the full 30-minute version went on sale on the Internet Wednesday for $50. It includes a full color, well-lighted scene of Paris in a bra, panties and thigh-high stiletto boots, manipulating her boyfriend into taking her clubbing when he wants to stay home and have sex.

  • But they do have sex...and three minutes later, they go clubbing.
  • He thought she was dressed for sex, but she was really dressed for clubbing.
  • His argument that sex doesn't cost anything has no effect on her.

    Cut Out The Word "Bush" - The head of the Motion Picture Academy protested ABC's decision to put a five-second tape delay on the Oscars in light of the Super Bowl Halftime backlash. He said it's offensive, since the Oscars have been broadcast for years without incident. The producer replied that the delay will only be used to edit out profanity, and that they will deal with things like see-through dresses by just cutting to a close-up.

  • Now, THAT'S what we ought to be protesting!
  • So that's why actresses wear see-through dresses to the Oscars! More close-ups!
  • Let's hope to God Barbra Streisand doesn't wear a see-through dress...We're damned either way.
  • Someone saying something offensive in an Oscar acceptance speech? Why, it's unheard of!

    Disorder In The Courtney - A Beverly Hills judge issued an arrest warrant for Courtney Love after she failed to attend a court hearing on drug possession charges. But he stayed the order until her next hearing on Tuesday, meaning she'll be arrested if she fails to show up again. Her lawyer claimed Courtney was "on call" if needed, and she just didn't show up in court because of "security reasons."

  • Too much coke makes her feel insecure.
  • Nobody in the court would feel very secure with Courtney Love in the room.
  • So much for people who say Courtney Love can't even get arrested these days.

    A Mickey Mouse Offer - Wednesday, cable TV giant Comcast launched a surprise bid to buy the Walt Disney Corporation for over $54 billion, after Disney refused to enter into merger talks. But one Disney shareholder said, "I think Disney is worth a lot more money."

  • Maybe he's thinking of Pixar.
  • It costs that much just to take the whole family to Disney World.
  • Comcast is a subsidiary of Scrooge McDuck Enterprises.
  • It's already having an effect: there's a new ride at Disneyland called "Corporate Pirates of the Caribbean."