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"Best Seller"

Best Seller (1987) is a thriller staring Brian Dennehy as a career cop, who has written and published a few books, but has had writers block since the death of his wife from cancer. He is doing a great job raising his daughter, but is not doing well financially. A bust goes wrong, and a mysterious gunman (James Woods) saves his life by shooting one of the bad guys who is about to shoot Dennehy. Seems Woods has a private agenda, and a history with Dennehy. He wants Dennehy to write his own story, which will be a sure best seller. He worked as a hit man for a rich and powerful industrialist, who fired him. He is hoping for fame, fortune and revenge with his plan.

Dennehy is dubious about all of the man's claims, and much of the film is spent with Woods trying to convince Dennehy. Finally, there is a showdown, in which Dennehy, his daughter, and Woods are in jeopardy. Ebert savaged this film and awarded one star, basically because he hates stupid heroes who can't recognize the obvious. I think it was Ebert, in this case, who didn't recognize the obvious. Dennehy needed absolute proof before publishing a book trashing one of the most important and powerful men in LA. He was also still a cop, in addition to being a novelist, and knew that he was collaborating with a criminal.

IMDB readers have this at the luke-warm level at 6.3 of 10. I liked it much better than that. Woods was a fascinating character. While clearly a cold blooded killer, he also has a sensitive caring side, and his crimes are workmanlike and dispassionate, and he was clearly very intelligent. In keeping with this tone, the film was shot in good neutral light, which means you could see what was going on. There is brief nudity from Claudia Stenke who is picked up at a bar by Woods, who offers to share her with Dennehy. Her breasts are clearly visible, and we see her buns in a distant fuzzy shot. For those who don't like thriller/cop movies, this one will not win you over, but for those that enjoy the genre, I find this a good one. C.

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  • Claudia Stenke (1, 2)

    "Two Women"

    Two Women (1961) was written and directed by Vittorio De Sica, and garnered Sophia Loren a Best Actress Oscar. To the best of my knowledge, the is the only case of a non-American receiving Best Actress for a foreign language film. The story takes place in WW II Italy. Loren is a comfortably affluent shop owner in Rome, but flees to the rural community she came from with her te4enaged daughter to escape the German bombing. At first, things are fine in the country, and both Loren and her daughter become close to Jean-Paul Belmondo, who is a dissident, intelligent and sensitive. As the war escalates, food becomes scarce, and one wave of troops after another create more real danger for Loren and her daughter, as first the Germans, then the allies overrun the village.

    Loren elects to go back to Rome after liberation, but both she and her daughter are brutally raped by a platoon of Moroccans in a bombed out church. IMDB rates this at 8.3 of 10, and it is universally hailed by critics. The DVD I screened is a green, mushy and under-contrasted 4/3 transfer, with inconsistent brightness. Nevertheless, it is a powerful statement about the effects of war on ordinary citizens. Loren earned the Oscar with a great performance. An unknown woman bares a breast, telling Loren and her daughter that they might as well drink her milk, as the Germans just machine gunned her baby. Loren shows cleavage, especially after the rape, and all of one leg and her panties when her skirt blows up. This excellent film has only a little cross-over appeal. Fans of the stars, and those interested in anti-war statements and history will want to see it, but most will probably find it depressing. That makes the proper score C+.

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  • Sophia Loren (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
  • Unknown

    "Swamp Thing" revisited

    My comments about Swamp Thing evidently resonated with many of our readers, judging by the response I have received today. One reader found a copy still on the shelves, got it for a bargain $10.99, watched it, and is planning on selling it at eBay. As he said, "It's the American way." Another wrote with some very uncomplimentary comments about Mary Dorflinger, then went on to say that he was really more angry with MGM for caving in so easily. He has written them a nasty gram from their Web site, and hopes many others will follow suite. In answer to a reader who enjoyed my "rant" and agreed with it, I explained in some detail just why this upsets me so much.

    This situation is even more amazing than I described. Reading between the lines, the MPAA theoretically is protecting parents by labeling films. Their bosses, so to speak, are the parents of America, but it is only the extreme right wing Christian elements that ever make their voices heard. The average person would never come out publicly in the US in support of nudity or sex in film, even though they like it, because everyone knows someone who would react badly. Thus, we get an MPAA rating system driven by a vocal minority, that abhors sex and nudity, but doesn't mind violence at all. Enter Blockbuster, who drives the US rental market, and, as policy, will not stock any UNRATED titles. It is not that they corporately care about film content, but they can blame the MPAA whenever there is a complaint, and survive the attacks with this plausible deniability.

    Now MGM, had they released the US PG version of Swamp Thing, would have been reviled by nearly anyone who cares about film, but they didn't have an MPAA rating for the uncut version (it would probably get a fairly easy R), and couldn't release it Unrated because loss of the Blockbuster market would destroy their profits on this release. Hence a decision that likely went like this. Lets release the real version, but with the PG rating. The nudity is not gratuitous, and is no more than in other PG films from 10 years earlier like Barbarella. In the unlikely event that there is a complaint, we will just claim honest mistake. Now, with he recall, they will be much more reluctant to release other films in an uncut version. This recall has to be costing them a fortune.

    My guess is that they will go for an MPAA R, and redistribute this time, but I am guessing it will be a long time before we see another Unrated release from them. Getting the rating from MPAA is not cheap. If MPAA complains and wants cuts, then they will probably just abandon the project completely. So, in a very real sense, this one twisted housewife has decided what all of us will be allowed to see in films. I am just as frustrated and angry as I sounded last night, and have not calmed down a whole lot today. I could get behind a rating system that labeled films based on content, such as:

    Language: Heavy, light, none
    Nudity: Male, female, both, none
    Sex: Implied, artful, explicit, none
    Violence: Strong, moderate, none
    Drug Use: Tobacco, alcohol, narcotics, none
    Controversial Themes: Hate Crimes, non-traditional sexuality, sexual violence, none

    That would actually be a huge help to everyone, some to avoid particular content, and some (like me) to seek out particular content. Of course, that would require people to read several words to make a decision, rather than a single letter, which might be an intellectual stretch for the very people who are making the noise to influence the MPAA.

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    Fair Game has the same title as the Cindy Crawford movie, but is actually a renamed 1988 film named Mamba, about a genetically engineered, electronically controlled snake, a woman locked in a loft, and a guy watching the icons for the woman and the snake (both electronically tagged) moving on a computer screen in his car. There is almost no dialogue in the film, and only three people appear on camera in the entire movie. It's mostly Trudie Styler (Mrs Sting) running through an apartment, pretending to run away from a snake. Imagine Attack of The Killer Tomatoes, except with a snake instead of the tomatoes. Sounds kinda bad? It's as good as it sounds. There is good news. It may be the shortest movie I've ever seen. It's only 81 minutes from start to finish. If you take out the opening and closing credits - not too much more than an hour. 

    • Trudie Styler (1, 2, 3)


    Caveman. Former 6'8", 300 pound NFL star John Matuszak (the Tooz) was in several movies before he passed away while still shy of his 40th birthday, but this is probably the only one where he was the best actor. It's a movie on the Gilligan level of schtick. The target market seems to be kids about 6 or 7.

    If the Beatles go with Best or Sutcliffe, where is Ringo Starr today? Stooped over, working in a Merseyside mill, coughing a lot. Was Ringo the luckiest guy ever to walk the earth? With minimal musical talent, no acting talent, and no looks, he managed to be part of the greatest rock group ever, make a bunch of movies, sleep with beautiful babes, and make a zillion dollars. Talk about being in the right place at the right time.

    • Barbara Bach (1, 2)


    Gitano is the movie with the awesome Laetitia Casta nude scene. One of our nephews made a movie clip that is in DVD quality and size. In fact, it seem to me that the colors are actually a bit better than on the DVD! Beautiful quality. Because of the mammoth size, he split it into three parts. Here is Part 2. .avi in Divx format



    Other crap:



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that I inexplicably determined there might be something of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Scorpion's Skinemax
    Angela Davies Breast exposure and very mild pseudo sex from an episdoe of the late night series "The Best Sex Ever"

    Ava Vincent Breasts, maybe a hint of pubes, plus more tame sex scenes. So far I think the name "The Best Sex Ever" is a bit misleading.

    Dana Waters Breasts and bum from a different late night series. This time Scorpion takes a trip down "Love Street".

    Holly Sampson and
    Wendy Divine
    More from "The Best Sex Ever". This time two ladies show all 3 B's in a 3-way scene.

    Isabella No last name, just "Isabella". Here we see all 3 B's in another episode of "The Best Sex Ever".

    Julie Strain The B-movie favorite shows off her big'uns in "Battle Queen 2020".

    Kiva Dawson Topless scenes from an episode of the "Women: Stories of Passion".

    Monique Parent Tame toplessness and brief bum view in scenes from "Mirror Mirror III: The Voyeur" (1995).

    Talia Botone Topless and far off full frontal nudity from "Women: Stories of Passion". A little addition to really lame softcore, she also does stunts from time to time. Her biggest stunt credit is from the Christian Slater box office dud, "Hard Rain" (1998). She was Minnie Driver's stunt double.

    Andrea Brose Bush, and lots of it. Also a brief nipple sighting in the lower right corner. Vidcaps from "Polizeiruf 110 - Opfergang".

    Gesine Cukrowski Up close and personal bum views from "L'"Uomo che piaceva alle donne - Bel Ami".

    Irina Lackmann Very lovely full frontal nudity from "Kinderspiele" (1992).

    Rita Lengye Topless in scenes from "Tatort - Brüder" (1997).

    Veronica Ferres Full frontal and topless scenes from "Schtonk!" (1992).

    Vittoria Belvedere Nice toplessness in scenes from "L'"Uomo che piaceva alle donne - Bel Ami".

    Today's stuff is mostly from Euro-magazines.


    • Claudia Schiffer...going back a couple years of years to an appearance in the Ttalian GQ. Her breasts already looked greatly deflated, but at least there are some pokies.

    • Gisele Bundchen, sexy and soaking wet from the Spanish GQ. (1, 2)

    • Luisa Corna, partial breast exposure from the Italian Max. (1, 2)

    • Manuela Arcuri topless from an Italian calendar. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    • Victoria Silvstedt from this month's UK Maxim. (1, 2)

    • Two stunning hi-quality shots of Anna Kournikova! (1, 2)

    • Charisma Carpenter, partial breast and bum exposure. I never get tired of looking at her :-)

    • Viviana Greco topless from a 1997 Italian Max calendar.

    • A very sexy shot of Shannyn Sossamon of "A Knight's Tale".

    Britney Spears
    (1, 2)

    Two huge collages featuring 72 frames of Britney in her undies in scenes from "Crossroads".

    Carmen Electra
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Not wearing much on the cover and pages of the July 02 UK version of FHM.

    Here are the higlights:
    Clear nipple sightings: Links 4 and 6
    Hands or hair over bare breasts: Links 1,2,5 and 7
    Sexy lingerie: Link #8
    Hand covering the goods below the equator: Links 3 and 7.
    A bit of bum: Link #7

    Winona Ryder I think it's great that she's grabbing her boobs in this pic, but I have three words of advice for Winona...."Seven Minute Abs".