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"Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back"

Barbarian Queen II: The Empress Strikes Back (1992) is a Roger Corman titty flick with the barbarian women kick butt theme. It shares nothing but a name with the original Barbarian Queen, although it also features Lana Clarkson in the title role. One need look no further than the complete title for the first contradiction in this work of art. She is daughter of a possibly slain king, living in a monarchy. How on earth can she be an Empress? I might believe princess. I am going to write a complete spoiler, so let me get the details out of the way first. Clarkson shows breasts in a cat fight in the mud, a sex scene, and in two dungeon scenes being stretched on a rack. Orietta Aguilar also bares her breasts in the cat fight. Both women also show buns in thong underwear. Until this film, I was unaware that the preferred scanties for barbarian women were cotton crotch elastic leg-band thongs. (See Aguilar 5 and 6). An unknown also shows breasts during a half-hearted rape attempt. I say half-hearted in that the would be rapist let a small thing like an arrow in his chest discourage him. IMDB readers say 4.5 of 10. View at your own risk. The DVD transfer is a rather weak 4/3, and there are no special features. I suppose this is on the low end of average for this genre, and is probably a C-.


Clarkson is under the rule of an evil uncle in the absence of her father, who is rumored to be dead in battle. She knows the secret magic of using the power of the scepter, which prevents anyone from killing a king who knows its secrets. Uncle wants her to teach him the secret. She could use the scepter herself, but, if she did, it would kill her father. Excuse me, but if the scepter makes a king invincible, why is this king dead? Uncle decides to hang Clarkson, but she escapes with the old knee to the groin trick against armed and armored soldiers. She hides in the woods, and joins company with a bunch of other pissed off women. Even though she is royalty, and a symbol of everything that they despise, they welcome her with open arms, except for Aguilar, who decides a mud fight is in order. Note that most film makers usually have mud puddles magically appear when needed for a cat fight, probably thinking they need no justification for a good naked mud fight. This film actually makes one by dumping a barrel of water out of a wagon to create the mud puddle.

The acting king, his henchmen, and his bitch of a teenage daughter make several attempts to exterminate the rebels, but armed and armored soldiers are no match for pissed off barbarian women. Some of the battle scenes would become somewhat confusing, except for two things. All the bad guys wear black tin cans on their heads, and every individual sword fight has the same choreography. The bad guy swings his sword, the good guy blocks. The bad guy swings again and misses, turning sideways to the good guy with his sword now behind his back. The good guy ventilates his stomach. Clarkson defeats the evil king, becomes queen, and marries the one good soldier. The end. The moral of this tale? Avoid barbarian women with PMS and a broadsword.

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  • Lana Clarkson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)
  • Orietta Aguilar (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


    Cover-Up (1990) is a hopelessly bad Dolph Lundgren thriller made for $7.5 million. I sure hope the idiot that green-lighted the project lost his job or worse. There is a break-in and theft at a Navy armory in Israel just before Holy Week, and Dolph arrives as a journalist to cover the story. For some reason, the colonial who is the military advisor to the American embassy is an old friend, and is involved in the investigation, as is Lou Gosset Jr, for reasons I was not able to figure out. Lundgrun's ex girlfriend is also there, and is something official, like a press liaison or something. She is now seeing the colonial.

    Turns out the Navy is covering up this theft of what turns out to be a nerve gas as a simple terrorist attack on the front gate of the base, and blaming a terrorist organization, which ends up no existing at all. The colonial is blown up in a car explosion, his fiancee nearly immediately beds Dolph, and people are trying to kill Dolph. In order to have a properly surprising ending, they have to bring the colonial back from the dead. Lisa Berkely as the girlfriend shows breasts having sex in a shower with Lundgren. We also see someone naked from the back getting into the shoower, and their profile through the shower curtains. My guess is a double. First, there was no compelling reason not to show a face. Second, we can see what looks for all the world like either a g-string strap or panties in the actual breast shots.

    Spoilers Ahead

    Turns out the colonial and his girlfriend plan on gassing all of the Holy Week pilgrims, half of which are Americans, and blaming it on the terrorist group they invented, which will cause the US to go to war with all of the nasty countries the colonial blames for the death of his wife and family in Rome years before. Lundgren is super-spy with superior fighting skills, but is never explained as anything but a reporter, who was even a reporter in the Marine Corps. I had a lot of trouble believing even what I have explained so far, but the story gets even more far fetched. This new nerve gas was accidently invented by chemists at a fertilizer company. CIA headquarters wanted a sample sent to them, which is why it was sitting in the armory. The colonial and his girlfriend had been carefully planning this caper for years.

    If the nerve gas was just invented, how could they have planed it for years? Also, why would Langley have wanted an actual sample? Why not request a STU-III FAX of the formula? And how did mild mannered reporter Lundgren become superspy?

    Israel, as photographed in the film, is a monotonous monochrome country. With plot logic this bad, poor acting from all but Gosset, and a way silly ending, this is an E,

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  • Lisa Berkely (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    Spanish Nudity news

    Our man in Madrid, Félix, reports that Mexican photographer César Saldívar is about to publish a photo book called Luz Natural this fall, featuring nude photos of young Spanish actors and actresses. Here are a few examples from Spanish Elle.

  • Cayetana Guillén, nude, but with well placed fruit.
  • Cristina Brondo, beautiful full frontal nudity.
  • Elsa Pataki, single exposed breast.
  • Marieta Orozco, full frontal.
  • Silvia Asbascal lovely breast exposure.

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)


    There is a new encyclopedia volume for Julie Strain (finally - nearly 200 pictures of the Big Gal), one for 70's exploitation queen Rene Bond, and one for Ellen Barkin

    Movies - new to DVD

    Collateral Damage is the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie which was delayed many months because of its themes (terrorist attacks on U.S. soil), It's probably still inappropriate, since it makes it seem that defeating terrorism is simple. Arnie almost does it single-handedly. Another film with no nudity, and another with a mammoth financial loss ($85 million budget, $40 million gross). The movie sometimes held my attention, but its the wrong context for Arnie. Too realistic a situation. He needs a fantasy situation for his larger-than-life combination of muscles and jokes to function properly.


    Other crap


    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    'Caps and comments by Spaz:

    "Hot Water" (1985) aka Junior is a slasher spoof about two women just out of jail who decide to run a boathouse. Some cuts of the video have more chainsaw gore.

    • Suzanne DeLaurentis: excellent topless views.

    • Linda Singer: wet see-through, pokies, full dorsal nudity and single breast exposure.
    • Bonus nudity from Linda Singer, here she is shaking her booty once again in "Stalked" (1994).

    "The Pawn" (1998) is another typical Greg Evigan stinker with lousy action and almost no nudity. Sydney Penny (best known as the young hottie with a crush on Clint Eastwood in "Pale Rider") is the only credited actress, the other women used only as background bar babes.

    • Cherilee Taylor (from Paradise Falls): nude but showing nothing under bedsheets

    • Sydney Penny: extreme upskirt, bare back and minor pokies
    • Another bonus: Sydney Penny in white lingerie in "In the Eye of the Snake" (1994).

    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    So, on Monday Sr.posted scans of Celebrity Sleuth's latest and included some Holly Sampson things. Good idea. Sexy woman. And he mentioned that Holly was an explicitly posing model, who worked under the name of Zoe. I asked one of the webgeeks in the shop if he had any scans downloaded from usenet under that name. Uh, yep... about three dozen babes have posed with the name Zoe attached to their pics. But armed with a scan of Holly Sampson (scan #1) he went through them all and lookee what he found. We are talking major-league gyno-cam and procto-cam stuff. All I can say is nice goin', girl... sure hope there is more.

    • Holly Sampson (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    Yesterday we saw Stephanie Beaton in "Witchcraft 11" showing no real exposure, so today we go backwards to "Witchcraft 10" for a look at Stephanie's enormous hooters. Stephanie is a girl from the small town of Alliance, Ohio seems to have made quite a career of starring in a ton of bad horror movies.

    We also see some skin from Wendy Cooper, the other star of this epic grade Z production.

    • Stephanie Beaton (1, 2, 3, 4)

    • Wendy Cooper (1, 2, 3)

    Mister Grundy
    In an odd twist of fate our newest contributor also put together a few collages with even more nudity from "Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft" (1998). For those who may not have seen MG's stuff yet, he puts together something like a storyboard, adding text comments to go along with the images.

    Mister Grundy invites you to visit his site, Sick Sexy Sinema Shots.

    Milla Jovovich A great collage by Dann from "Resident Evil" with a little breast and bush exposure, as well as an extreme close up of her eye.

    Penélope Cruz
    (1, 2, 3)

    A young Cruz (only 18 at the time) shows off her wonderful breasts in scenes from the Spanish film "Jamón, jamón" (1992).

    Sophie Marceau Frontal nudity in scenes from "Mes nuits sont plus belles que vos jours" aka "My Nights Are More Beautiful Than Your Days" (1989). A great find by FinnCap. ...

    Angie Everhart Brief side views of a breast and her bum in scenes from "Jade". Vidcaps by The Skin-man.

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Gotta love The Sun! They have declared that George Michael's career is officially dead. A must-see just for the illustrations.

    They're Too Busy Frisking Norwegian Grannies - Ocean City, Maryland, web operator Jon Messner, who runs porn sites, stumbled on and gained control of one of al-Qaeda's top communications websites and called the FBI. But he said it took so many days to find anyone who would talk to him and who had the technical know-how to set up a decoy sting website that by the time he did, the terrorists had already caught on and left. Messner complained that it was like dealing with the Department of Motor Vehicles.

  • ...After 5 p.m. on a Friday.
  • The DMV can't deal with terrorists, either, because we're not allowed to torture them.
  • Bill Clinton says that when he was president, all calls from porn site operators were answered immediately!
  • He could tell it was an al-Qaeda porn site because all you could see were the women's eyebrows.

    The Charge Of The Really Light Brigade - "To Kill A King," a new movie about the English Civil War, has run out of money while shooting in Britain. Star Dougray Scott had to pay the carpenters to dismantle the set, and worse, it's a war movie with no battle scenes. The director explained that they couldn't have 20,000 people running down a hill like in "Braveheart" because they could only afford four extras.

  • It's not so much a battle as a really vicious game of bridge.
  • They had just enough money for digital effects to make those four people look like five people.
  • He tried having the four guys run down the hill, but it just looked like a scene from "A Hard Day's Night."
  • He decided to remake "My Dinner With Andre" instead, but all he can afford is baloney sandwiches.