Bigalo: Male Gigolo"
Deuce Bigalo cleans fish tanks. When a
high-price gigolo asks him to apartment sit and
tend to his pet fish, he turns the apartment into
a disaster zone, and becomes a gigolo to make
enough money to fix it up. Along the way, he
falls in love. It is full of physical humor and
over the top performances, but I found myself
laughing out loud more than once. It is truly
brainless, but so what? Sometimes you feel like a
thought, sometimes you don't.
The see-throughs of Bree Turner occur when
Deuce buys sea snails just so she will dip her
headlights into a tank of water.
Bree Turner (1,
As Scoopy said yesterday, the Ninth Gate is a
well-acted, and richly decorated film, with an
interesting premise. Unfortunately, they
telegraphed the solution to the mystery to me
half way through the film. I also agree that the
apparent Olin nudity is likely a double. Where I
disagree is on the ending. To me, the ending was
clear, and a great finish. It also left room for
a sequel. Depp has sex with the girl (Seigner)
after Langella has performed the ceremony, then
finds out that Langella fails because the final
clue is a forgery. He retrieves the real ninth
clue, and discovers that the last two steps are
to have sex, then re-enter the chateau. He has
already had the sex, so he re-enters the Chateau
to join Satan and become immortal. Another thing
that impressed me about this film was the
accurate detail put into the occult symbols. The
film was clearly well-researched. It is a little
dark, and a little slow, but is worth watching.
Emmanuelle Seigner (1,
Lena Olin (1,
This is an
old-fashioned Hollywood Western, starrin' that
ornery rootin'-tootin sidewinder, Omar Sharif,
who established his place alongside Dicaprio and
Nimoy as one of the all-time least likely members
of a Western cast.
It features cameos from just about every
character actor in history: Lee J. Cobb, Raymond
Massey, Edward G Robinson, Eli Wallach, The
Penguin, Kojak, Lurch, etc.
I learned many valuable historical and
cultural lessons from this movie:
Apaches were some seriously tall indians.
Julie Newmar is about six feet tall, and Ted
Cassidy (Lurch) is something like six feet eight.
The frontier women were never too busy to have
their make-up perfect and their hair washed and
under control, even under torture or after weeks
of riding in the desert without water. The
Apaches always kept their vests and loincloths
perfectly ironed and tailored. A man can scale
about 1000 feet of sheer canyon wall in about two
or three minutes, without a rope or piton,
wearing high-heeled cowboy boots, while shooting
his gun with one of his hands.
The plot: various buccaroos seek a hidden
canyon where the walls are lined with gold. It is
said that the Apache gods guard the canyon.
According to legend, the entrance to said canyon
can only be seen when the moon is in the seventh
house, and the shadow of .... well, you get the
idea. When they get in the canyon, the gold
seekers all start killing each other in order to
get 100% of the gold, even though there are only
about a half-dozen survivors and as many horses
to carry the gold away, and there is roughly
enough gold to pave all the streets in Russia -
possibly more gold than actually exists in all
the known world. And that's just the stuff you
can pick up without digging any mines! So you'd
think that sharing it might have been somewhat
more sensible. Anyway, when there are only three
of the fortune hunters left, the aforementioned
ancient Apache gods finally enter the fray, and
cause the canyon to collapse, as pictured with
miniatures that are obviously miniatures, many of
which appear to be liquid rather than solid! Omar
Sharif never did get any gold, but he did manage
to bid and make a grand slam without a trump fit,
and therefore gained plenty of master points. No
question about it, he absolutely schooled the
other desperadoes in their nightly bridge games.
I suppose the most memorable element of this
movie, except for Jose Feliciano singing the
haunting yet hummable "Vulture Song",
was the famous Julie Newmar skinny dip, and
that's what we came to see, isn't it?
I do recommend renting and watching the movie,
because the skinny dip takes place mostly under
water, and underwater scenes don't make for
especially good captures. And it is Julie Newmar,
after all, who didn't get naked in public that
often, and who truly did have a stupefyin' body.
The movie itself is kinda sorta watchable if you
ignore all the unrealistic Hollywood baloney,
keep the FF handy, and get ready for a few laughs
at the expense of Omar Sharif and some of the
Julie Newmar (1, 2,
Rosanna Arquette in "Black
||Topless 'caps of Lisa NOT from
"Angel Heart"! Not that she's that big
a celeb anymore. I guess this is really more of a
history lesson..from 1994's "Dead
||Going back 15 years to to see these topless,
and one very nice frame of bottomless vidcaps
||Excellent, topless vidcaps of
the former Miss Arkansas and Miss America from
||From "Jersey Girl". Very dark 'caps
but there is something to see if you look
||Vidcaps from "Friends 'Til
the End". The clearest nipple exposure is
the frame on the bottom right hand side.
||Vidcaps from the movie
"Desire". I recognize her films and TV
shows, but not her. Either way, if you are going
to meet an actress for the first time...she might
as well be topless.
||Old school nudity from Nicole in
the Aussie movie "Windrider".
side note...seeing Nicole's big hair reminds
me...what the hell were we thinking with hair
styles in the 80's! The 60's and most of the 70's
had a very natural look...the came Disco! Next
thing you know hair kept getting bigger and
bigger! Then during the 80's instead of getting
rid of the bigness, we just started to use a lot
of hair care products, making the hair big and
heavily moussed. I know! I was one of those kids
in high school that suffered from "Bon Jovi
syndrome". (Actually my hair style was more
the guy from Def Leppard- but that's a different
||From the movie
"Crash". I believe the title as it
appears on the video store shelf is actually
"Breach of Trust".
||One of the Fun House heroines, doing her
thing in these 'caps from "Dangerous
||Something I've never seen
before...topless and full frontal 'caps of a
pre-Brat Pack Mare from the movie
|WhyScan's Page Three
|If Page Three is unfamiliar to
link describes the Page Three tradition.
|Today's Page 3 girl....Abby, 21,
from Blackpool. (1, 2, 3, 4)
|Comments by Aesthete:
This week I have collages from a 1976 Italian
movie "Submission" which starred Franco
Nero and Lisa Gastoni. This is a little capped
film. In fact I've never seen any caps of it,
except for some I did when I was just getting
started. I've recapped the film and added scenes
I hadn't capped before and improved the quality
on those I had.
Lisa Gastoni was quite a
prolific star in Italy, evidenced by the fact
that this was the second to last of 56 films from
the mid 50's to the mid 70's.
Franco Nero, who works in her pharmacy seduces
her into a sadomasochistic relationship in which
he, among other things makes her strip naked in
the street outside her shop. Makes for some
||Topless vidcaps from the movie
"Mercy", by Donbun.
||Ooops, I guess she's doing it again. More of
Britney from another video.
|CHILDREN'S BOOKS YOU'LL NEVER
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving
"The Attention Deficit Disorder
Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer& - Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer
They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical
Outlet Be Friends?"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
"Dad's New Wife Timothy"
"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great
"Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At
All But Your Household Pets"
"The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the
"The Tickling Babysitter"
"Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
"Curious George and the High-Voltage
"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His
"Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change
From Your Mom's Purse"
"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never
"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are
"How to Become The Dominant Military Power
In Your Elementary School"
"Controlling the Playground: Respect through
Top 25 Country Songs
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm
Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained,
But Her Heart Was Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If
You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To
Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Bought A Car
From The Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run,
So We're Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot
About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew
You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My
Aim's Gettin' Better. 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To
A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. I'll
Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like
Having You Here. 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears
From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You. 13. If
I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number
Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted
To, I'd Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer
(There's A Fly On Papa's Head). 10. My Head
Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. 9. My
Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do
Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got
The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore
Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5.
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If The
Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 3. She's
Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles. 2. She's
Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the number 1 favorite country song is:
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But
I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.
How to be a good Democrat:
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread
by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to
believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th
graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach
those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe
that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans
are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons
technology in the hands of Chinese communists. 4.
You have to believe that there was no art before
federal funding. 5. You have to believe that
global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical, documented changes in the earth's
climate, and more affected by yuppies driving
SUVs. 6. You have to believe that gender roles
are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but
support abortion on demand. 8. You have to
believe that businesses create oppression and
governments create prosperity. 9. You have to
believe that hunters don't care about nature, but
loony activists who've never been outside of
Seattle do. 10. You have to believe that
self-esteem is more important than actually doing
something to earn it. 11. You have to believe the
military starts wars. 12. You have to believe the
NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of
the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because
it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low,
but ATM fees are too high. 14. You have to
believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem
are more important to American history than
Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln or Thomas
Edison. 15. You have to believe that standardized
tests are racist, but racial quotas and
set-asides aren't. 16. You have to believe
Hillary Clinton is really a lady. 17. You have to
believe that the only reason socialism hasn't
worked anywhere it's been tried is because the
right people haven't been in charge. 18. You have
to believe conservatives telling the truth belong
in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in
the White House. 19. You have to believe that
homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites
and bestiality should be constitutionally
protected and manger scenes at Christmas should
be illegal. 20. You have to believe that illegal
Democratic party funding by the Chinese is
somehow in the best interest of the United
Pickup lines most likely to get you slapped
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you
out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking
out my package
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but
I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big
Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest
woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow
the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart,
so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the
stairway the heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but
beauty is only a light switch away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles,
and even farther for that thing you do with your
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I
could be you by morning.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap
on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be
screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I
walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over
and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime
you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much
have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man
on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why,
don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you
shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
You must wash your pants in Windex because I can
see myself in them.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I
think he went into this cheap motel room.
(Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just
going to suck itself.