"Deuce Bigalo: Male Gigolo"

Deuce Bigalo cleans fish tanks. When a high-price gigolo asks him to apartment sit and tend to his pet fish, he turns the apartment into a disaster zone, and becomes a gigolo to make enough money to fix it up. Along the way, he falls in love. It is full of physical humor and over the top performances, but I found myself laughing out loud more than once. It is truly brainless, but so what? Sometimes you feel like a thought, sometimes you don't.

The see-throughs of Bree Turner occur when Deuce buys sea snails just so she will dip her headlights into a tank of water.

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Bree Turner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"The Ninth Gate"

As Scoopy said yesterday, the Ninth Gate is a well-acted, and richly decorated film, with an interesting premise. Unfortunately, they telegraphed the solution to the mystery to me half way through the film. I also agree that the apparent Olin nudity is likely a double. Where I disagree is on the ending. To me, the ending was clear, and a great finish. It also left room for a sequel. Depp has sex with the girl (Seigner) after Langella has performed the ceremony, then finds out that Langella fails because the final clue is a forgery. He retrieves the real ninth clue, and discovers that the last two steps are to have sex, then re-enter the chateau. He has already had the sex, so he re-enters the Chateau to join Satan and become immortal. Another thing that impressed me about this film was the accurate detail put into the occult symbols. The film was clearly well-researched. It is a little dark, and a little slow, but is worth watching.

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Emmanuelle Seigner (1, 2, 3) Lena Olin (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

This is an old-fashioned Hollywood Western, starrin' that ornery rootin'-tootin sidewinder, Omar Sharif, who established his place alongside Dicaprio and Nimoy as one of the all-time least likely members of a Western cast.

It features cameos from just about every character actor in history: Lee J. Cobb, Raymond Massey, Edward G Robinson, Eli Wallach, The Penguin, Kojak, Lurch, etc.

I learned many valuable historical and cultural lessons from this movie:

Apaches were some seriously tall indians. Julie Newmar is about six feet tall, and Ted Cassidy (Lurch) is something like six feet eight. The frontier women were never too busy to have their make-up perfect and their hair washed and under control, even under torture or after weeks of riding in the desert without water. The Apaches always kept their vests and loincloths perfectly ironed and tailored. A man can scale about 1000 feet of sheer canyon wall in about two or three minutes, without a rope or piton, wearing high-heeled cowboy boots, while shooting his gun with one of his hands.

The plot: various buccaroos seek a hidden canyon where the walls are lined with gold. It is said that the Apache gods guard the canyon. According to legend, the entrance to said canyon can only be seen when the moon is in the seventh house, and the shadow of .... well, you get the idea. When they get in the canyon, the gold seekers all start killing each other in order to get 100% of the gold, even though there are only about a half-dozen survivors and as many horses to carry the gold away, and there is roughly enough gold to pave all the streets in Russia - possibly more gold than actually exists in all the known world. And that's just the stuff you can pick up without digging any mines! So you'd think that sharing it might have been somewhat more sensible. Anyway, when there are only three of the fortune hunters left, the aforementioned ancient Apache gods finally enter the fray, and cause the canyon to collapse, as pictured with miniatures that are obviously miniatures, many of which appear to be liquid rather than solid! Omar Sharif never did get any gold, but he did manage to bid and make a grand slam without a trump fit, and therefore gained plenty of master points. No question about it, he absolutely schooled the other desperadoes in their nightly bridge games.

I suppose the most memorable element of this movie, except for Jose Feliciano singing the haunting yet hummable "Vulture Song", was the famous Julie Newmar skinny dip, and that's what we came to see, isn't it?

I do recommend renting and watching the movie, because the skinny dip takes place mostly under water, and underwater scenes don't make for especially good captures. And it is Julie Newmar, after all, who didn't get naked in public that often, and who truly did have a stupefyin' body. The movie itself is kinda sorta watchable if you ignore all the unrealistic Hollywood baloney, keep the FF handy, and get ready for a few laughs at the expense of Omar Sharif and some of the other performers.

Julie Newmar (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

On a side note...seeing Nicole's big hair reminds me...what the hell were we thinking with hair styles in the 80's! The 60's and most of the 70's had a very natural look...the came Disco! Next thing you know hair kept getting bigger and bigger! Then during the 80's instead of getting rid of the bigness, we just started to use a lot of hair care products, making the hair big and heavily moussed. I know! I was one of those kids in high school that suffered from "Bon Jovi syndrome". (Actually my hair style was more the guy from Def Leppard- but that's a different story.)

Lisa Gastoni was quite a prolific star in Italy, evidenced by the fact that this was the second to last of 56 films from the mid 50's to the mid 70's.

Franco Nero, who works in her pharmacy seduces her into a sadomasochistic relationship in which he, among other things makes her strip naked in the street outside her shop. Makes for some interesting capping!

Top 25 Country Songs
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye. 24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure. 23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away? 22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling. 21. I Bought A Car From The Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even. 20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You. 19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well. 18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better. 17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win. 16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight. 15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here. 14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back And Cryin' Over You. 13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You. 12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now. 11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head). 10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You. 9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him. 8. Please Bypass This Heart. 7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger. 6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat. 5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly. 4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles. 2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the number 1 favorite country song is: (Drum roll)
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few.

How to be a good Democrat:
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding. 2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex. 3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than US nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists. 4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding. 5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs. 6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural. 7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand. 8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity. 9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists who've never been outside of Seattle do. 10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it. 11. You have to believe the military starts wars. 12. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution. 13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high. 14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln or Thomas Edison. 15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't. 16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady. 17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge. 18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House. 19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal. 20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.

Pickup lines most likely to get you slapped
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway the heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.".
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
You must wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
(Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.