"Midnight Mass"

Midnight Mass (2002) was an attempt to veer away from the image of vampires as seductive creatures, and present them as the monsters they are. They are taking over the world, and running out of food. They spend all day hunting new prey. The story is centered in The Garden State, a title which proves the people of New Jersey have a sense of humor. The film is visually excellent, and has a very interesting lead character who is conflicted, as she is a "devout atheist," but sees Catholic sacraments actually defeating the vampires. In the novel on which the story is based, it was a Jew having a crisis of faith, but they figured out that irritating Jews was not a good move when you were searching for financial backing, so made her an atheist.

I can't tell if this had the potential for being a good film or not, as the acting is miserable, especially from the female lead and the main villain. It was so bad, in fact, that it was impossible for me to get into this film at all. I must admit, vampire films are far from my favorite genre. Yet, vampire film is a popular genre, and this film has a new slant and great visuals, which have earned it an audience among genre fans, so it is properly scored C-.

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  • Candice Leigh Bauman (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Julia Cornish (1, 2, 3, 4)
  • Unknown (1, 2, 3)


    Avanti! (1972) was well reviewed by Scoop last week when he covered this Billy Wilder film. I only have a few things to add. The moral attitude expressed in the film was very much 70's, and far more sexually liberated than today's climate. Juliet Mill's character had nothing against being a sex object, or having an affair, Lemon's character considered extramarital sex perfectly ok, and the film praises their decision to meet for a month of frolic every year. Scoop mentioned Juliet's more famous sister, Hayley, but didn't mention that they were daughters of John Mills, beloved actor who is ranked #88 in Empire (UK) magazine's "The Top 100 Movie Stars of All Time" list. [October 1997]. Vivian Leigh, Godmother of Juliet said, "Of the two, it is Hayley who inherited John's acting talent."

    I also enjoyed this film immensely, and found Juliet absolutely charming. As a reminder, Mils showed everything in bright sunlight skinny dipping with Lemon. This is a B-.

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  • Giselda Castrini (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Juliet Mills (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Gods and Generals (2003):

    I don't know if this is the most boring movie ever made, but it has to be close. It basically re-enacts the Civil War in real time. I'm interested in the details of the Civil War, and I could barely stay awake. If you're not interested in a four hour film made for Civil War re-enactment geeks, try a root canal before this film. Even if you are interested, you may want to consult my comments.

    No nudity.



    Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.




    days left until International Talk Like a Pirate Day (Sept 19)

    Disney is already gearing up for Pirates of the Caribbean 2. They're doing their part for Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arrrrrr you?



    Here are the latest movie reviews available at

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Graphic Response
    • Joely Richardson, full frontal nudity in scenes from Ken Russell's made for Brit-TV version of "Lady Chatterley" (1992).

    Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website.

    "Old School"
    What is there to say other than this movie is funny and the nudity is completely gratuitous! What else can you ask for in a comedy?


    This mega-low budget stinker has an all-star cast of C-list celebs and even lower level special effects. This puppy could have been a fun and ultra-campy genre parody, but instead it seemed to try a little too hard to be a legit, B-grade action flick. Scoop menitoned in his review that there is a full-length commentary by the director and some of the f/x people that is, by far, the best thing about the DVD and worth checking out. Other than that, unless you are a member of the William Zabka fan club (the evil guy from Karate kid and Back to School), or if you have a hankerin' to see Casper Van Dien do the worst accent ever caught on film, go ahead and skip this one.

    By the way, for some reason there is a sequel called "Python 2", also starring Zabka.

    • Skinemax babe LoriDawn Messuri topless. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Mandy Moore
    (1, 2, 3)

    The pop star and actress showing some serious cleavage on last night's Letterman!

    Bijou Phillips 'The scene that really pissed her off'....the crotch shot from "Bully" (2001). As the story goes, Larry Clark filmed it, but Phillips had no idea she was exposing this much.

    Véronique de Cock The former Miss Belgium caught topless by the paparazzi!

    Kelly Macdonald
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the sexy and petite Scottish actress gettin' it on with Obi-Wan in scenes from "Trainspotting" (1996).

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Lie Or Lay? - According to a study by psychologists at Ohio State University and Main University, women are more likely to lie about their sex lives than men are. Many surveys show straight men claiming to have had more sex partners than straight women did, which is statistically impossible. In this new study, over 200 single, straight college women were asked how many sex partners they'd had. They were then hooked up to a non-working lie detector. When they thought they would be caught if they lied, the number of sex partners women admitted to nearly doubled.

  • For bisexuals, it quadrupled.
  • The lie detector didn't work because it had burned out when Britney Spears claimed she was still a virgin.
  • This is why college girls never give their dads a lie detector for Father's Day.
  • The women always claimed the men were lying, but they were lying about that, too.

    Grave Disrespect - In the new memoir "Kate Remembered," which Katherine Hepburn insisted be held until after her death, she admits she didn't like Glenn Close and Meryl Streep and was fed up with actors who whine about their difficult craft and their 12-hour days. She fumed, "You sit there for 11 of them! It's not as if we're carrying sacks of feed all day. Let's face it, we're prostitutes. I've spent my life selling myself, my face, my body, the way I walk and talk. You can look at me, but you must pay me for it."

  • For a prostitute, she sure worked a long time!
  • Ironically, Glenn Close and Meryl Streep are the only actresses who never play prostitutes.
  • Marlon Brando carries around sacks of feed, but that's just because he gets hungry.

    "The only marriages that last are the ones that you don't leave. Make the commitment and stick to it." -- Sharon Stone, in a "Good Housekeeping" issue that hit the stands just days after her husband filed for divorce.

    Jordan is to become the face of the UK's first National Foreplay Day.