Bite Me! (2004) - Big Bugs with Bad Attitudes is the latest EI Independent Cinema release on their Shock-O-Rama label. I have talked much more about their Seduction Cinema soft-core offerings, but they release an interesting mixture of B movie low budget in-house horror, and classics that they acquire rights to. This time, Brett Piper wrote, directed and edited. IMDb suggests that this is horror, but anyone expecting a straight up horror film or a soft core will be disappointed. What it is, is a brilliant horror comedy. The by-line hints at its appeal -- everyone in the film has an attitude.
The plot line is rather simple. Two stoners are delivering stolen pot grown as part of a government experiment to a remote strip club, GoGoSaurus, built under a 40 foot high dinosaur. Mutant spiders escape, and cause them to crash. The dope is delivered anyway, and the spiders are now loose in the strip club. The film stars Misty Mundae, who is the only one to show any bush, but we also have breasts and buns from Julian Wells, who will take over the club if the current owner can't meet his mortgage, Caitlan Ross, a barely conscious chain smoker and the least energetic stripper ever to fall asleep on a pole, and Erika Smith as a near-sighted stripper.
I really don't want to give away anything, but this is the sort of humor that had me in hysterics. Smith will not wear her glasses on stage, not because of vanity, but because she gets too nervous if she can see the crowd. Unfortunately, she is nearly blind without them, and falls right off the stage into a customer's arms. When another man picks a fight with him, he tosses her to the floor with a thud. The female bartender ends up kicking the crap out of both men and a few others.
It is sitting at 3.1 at IMDb, and I can't imagine why. All of the reviews linked give it near perfect marks. This is, by far, the most entertaining release I have seen from EI Independent Cinema, and hopefully there will be more comedies to come. Good writing, reasonable acting, a little nudity, corny spiders, a little stop motion animation and decent photography add up to a really fun film. Even people who hate horror will find themselves laughing at this one. B-.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
Stone Cold Dead (1979):
Never seen this mofo, but I happened to notice that Mr Skin had some
Linnea Quigley caps from this film, and since Linnea is the one
queen to rule all the scream queens ...
Friday Night Lights (2004):
Back in the early 1980's, when I was working in the
corporate marketing department for 7-Eleven, we had our annual
"bragging rights" meeting in Dallas in early 1982, and the guys from West Texas took as their
theme "It's hard to be humble." Midland and Odessa were two of the most profitable metropolitan areas on a per store basis
in 1981, so
the local marketing guys from that area droned on and on about their
successful local initiatives.
To those of us in the audience, it seemed that a
great comeuppance was in order, because their marketing programs
were among the weakest in the United States, and their local
personnel were barely above the level of Cro-Magnon Man. The
geniuses who explained the secrets of their success made
presentations which made them sound like the drop-outs from a
remedial reading class.
Their reversal was swift, and ripped their legs out
from under them with such force that even those of us who most wished
to see them falter had to feel some compassion for them. Between
1982 and 1984, the oil industry in West Texas lost one third of its
jobs, and the economy of the region was destroyed. In 1984, only two
years after the glory of "hard to be humble", Midland and Odessa
dropped to the very lowest two spots on the profitability rankings
of all of the metropolitan areas in which Southland operated! No
exaggeration. They fell to last and second-last in the whole USA!
Now THAT's comeuppance. From the very best in the USA (or close to it) to the
very worst in just two years.
It got much easier for them to be humble.
When economic devastation hit the Permian Basin area
in the mid-80s, the towns turned for a morale boost to that greatest
of all Texas narcotics, high school football. People in small-town
Texas always obsess about high school football, as I learned in 1991
and 1992 when I observed first hand the state championships for my
company's two "home towns" at the time, Killeen and Temple. Although
the football obsession disease is pandemic in Texas, no towns obsess
over it more than Odessa and Midland, where Permian and Lee High
Schools are always powerful contenders for State Championships.
Those teams were important to those towns in the boom times, so you
can imagine how the football mania got inflated in the depression of the
mid- and late 80s. In that era the towns had absolutely nothing else
to offer their residents in terms of hope and pride. The people
there felt like losers, and prep football offered a way for the
downtrodden local losers to win vicariously.
This film is the story of one of those teams, Odessa
Permian, in one of those years, 1988.
Y'know, this is a very good sports movie, but I have
to say it pissed me off. Why? Because it pretends to be true, and
isn't. I got especially irritated when the author of the book came
on in the DVD special features and said, "you couldn't make up these
kinds of details. Nobody has that good an imagination, or at least I
don't." Well, I'll tell you what, cowboy, maybe you are shootin'
straight, because people say your book told the whole truth, but the
problem is that those comments on the DVD make it seem like you were
discussing the movie, not the book. Whatever imagination you lacked,
ol' son, the screenwriter had enough for both of you. The movie just
made up stuff as it went along.
Let's start with the big deal of the day. Odessa
Permian did not even go to the state championship that year. They
did lose to the powerful Dallas team pictured in the movie, but it
was in the semi-finals, not in the State Championship, and not in
Houston in the climate-controlled Astrodome, but in Dallas in an
outdoor stadium in a rain storm. The Dallas team went on to win the
Second, Odessa did not lose their last game 34-28 as
pictured in the film. Subtract 20 from both sides and you'll just
about have it. They lost 14-9. I suppose 14-9 games aren't very
cinematic, are they? They don't provide much opportunity for
dramatic scoring opportunities and long roads back. Permian did have a
chance to win the game on the final play, as shown in the film, but
it was not a run stopped at the one inch line. The ending of the
real game was much less dramatic than the movie in one sense because
it was simply an incomplete pass, but the real life situation was actually
more dramatic than the film in another regard - that pass was to win
the ball game, not to tie. (I wonder why the scriptwriter didn't
make the score 34-29 instead of 34-28.)
Third, in a sense, the Odessa boys really were the
State Champions that year! Say what? How can that be? It's because
life is often far more complicated than the movies. Far more.
Especially in big-time Texas high school football. You see, the
Dallas team was crooked, and got caught for various recruiting
violations, so they had to forfeit their 31-14 victory over Converse
Judson in the championship game. The official score of the State
Championship was retroactively changed to 1-0, and Converse Judson
was declared the official but tainted State Champion. But wait! The
Dallas team was only forced to forfeit the finals, not any of the
earlier rounds - so Odessa Permian was ousted by an illegal team! To
make a fair comparison, the tainted state champion Converse Judson
team had lost to the illegal Dallas team by 17 in the finals, but
Odessa Permian had only lost to the same guys by 5 in the
semis. I think you could reasonably argue that Odessa Permian WAS
the legitimate Texas State Champ that year. Oh, well. Whatever. They
proved they really were the champs in the following year when they
won the undisputed championship.
Fourth, a lot of the details along the way were
completely misleading. If you watched the film, you think they won
big in their first game, then got killed in game two after having
lost their big star, Boobie Miles. Wrong. They did win the first
game 49-0, but Boobie was not in that game. He actually injured himself in a
pre-season scrimmage! Permian did lose the second game, but it was not
the 49-7 slaughter pictured in the film. They dropped a squeaker,
13-12. After that second game, perhaps you think they just barely survived
the next six with grit and guile, absent their star, right? Wrong.
They won those six games 35-14, 35-7, 42-0, 49-0, 48-2, and 56-14.
Then you think they lost the storied rivalry game with Midland Lee
by getting their asses kicked, right? Wrong. They dropped another
Fifth, the season pictured was Gaines's third with
the team (not second), and his salary was 48k (not 60k). Why change
I'm not sure how I feel about all this lyin'. I guess
I don't mind when a story is a pack of lies, and I don't mind when a
story is true, but I do dislike a pack of lies masquerading as
truth. Criminy! If you are going to make up all the details, just
change the names while you're at it, and make the whole damned thing
fictional, rather than making it a nearly-fictional story with real
On the other hand, I ask you, does that really
matter? I mean really?
First of all, the film drew me in and held me there
throughout with great pacing and characterization.
Furthermore, the film reaches down into the universal truth even
if it fudges the details.
The poor coach is threatened with firing everywhere
he goes. Even the Wal-Mart and fast food clerks tell him they really
hope that he wins the state championship, in the same
conspiratorial, subtly threatening tone that the Godfather uses when he
tells you that he can do a favor for you, but someday he'll ask you
a favor. In both cases, "you damn well better do it, or else ... "
Businesses close and the towns are deserted when the
games are going.
The players have to decide the true meaning of being
winners and being teammates, and they do it in a realistic and
So, in the last analysis, since I found the story
engrossing and moving and generally true to the reality of Texas
high school football, I reckon I'll forgive the lyin', and call it an excellent fictional
story based closely upon reality.
Amber Heard. (1,
2) No nudity is visible in real time, but
the pause button saves the day. Blockbuster only has the widescreen
version of this movie. As we saw in some caps the other day, there
is more exposed in the full screen version.
The Encyclopedia of Fake Bands.
The official 'Star Wars' website has released the opening crawl
already for Star Wars: Episode III Revenge of the Sith
- Going against the grain in courting the young cocktail crowd,
beermaker Anheuser-Busch Cos. is launching
a new 'brew' to go head-to-head with classic mixed drinks
- traditional suds spiked with caffeine, fruit flavoring, herbal
guarana and ginseng."
The Daily Show asks "How would our already-stretched forces handle
an invasion of Iran?"
First look at a trailer for Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo
- Irish genealogists say:
President Bush is a direct descendent of Norman nobleman Richard 'Strongbow,'
who led the invasion of Ireland in the 12th century.
Apparently his family is genetically predisposed to invade
countries starting with "Ir"
- How can you not love a headline that reads:
"Eva Longoria's kinky sex games"
- I love technology.
Two teachers were caught having sex in a college gym by pupils who
filmed the romp on camera phones.
Terrell Owens' doctor said Tuesday he will not give the All-Pro
receiver clearance to play in the Super Bowl. (Owens
may still play)
- For people with too much time on yourt hands -
pi10k - Converting the first 10,000 digits of pi into a musical
The Kent family farm, Superman's home in rural Kansas, will be
filmed in Breeza, Australia, wherever the hell that is.
"Pre-production sources believe that in the semi-sequel to the
first two Superman films, the classic hero returns to Earth after
having been missing for six long years and what he finds astounds
him. The world he knew has changed for the worse. In his absence
the forces of evil have regrouped like never before."
Has Homer Simpson been to Czechoslovakia?
Man-made island photographed from space. This would make a hell of
a Rorschach Test.
Proof that scientist have WAY too much free time: the effects of
drug consumption on a spider's web-spinning ability.
How to turn office supplies into deadly weapons.
$1 million treasure hunt hidden in the pages of a fairy tale.
So you think it's a candy-ass way to sell books? I remind you that
Shakespeare himself would never have sold a single copy of
Coriolanus without the free bumper stickers: "Let thy geese honk
if thou doth love iambic pentameter", and Will's own favorite,
"Playwrights do it with a bigger quill".
Looking for a Super Bowl snack? How about Janet Jackson Breast
retroCRUSH: THE ULTIMATE CALVIN and HOBBES SNOWMAN TRIBUTE.
Another review for Alone In The Dark. I can see why
they didn't want critics to see this in advance! I still want to
know how a movie like this gets theatrical distribution.
- "Movies this unthinkably bad, so purely inept on every
level—writing, directing, acting, technically—arrive on a rarer
basis than viewers might believe."
- "If so-bad-it's-funny is your cup of tea, then the countless
inadequacies of "Alone in the Dark" may well become the subject
of college drinking games across the globe. This is
"I-can't-believe-someone-made-this-crap" badness we're dealing
with. Guffawing laughter is the only possible response to be met
with the end credits. "
- "If Ed Wood, that notorious filmmaker of "Plan Nine From
Outer Space" and "Glen or Glenda," is Uwe Boll's primary
inspiration, then he is succeeding in spades with his career
50 Cent's rap translated into "white"
Dueling Banjos 2005
High-school romances untangled. This is the actual map
of the high school love connections we mentioned yesterday.
- This week's films, continued. I mentioned yesterday that
nobody had reviewed this film, which will inexplicably appear in
2100 theaters Friday, so here is
FilmJerk's Review of Alone in the Dark.
- "An unpleasant, ugly, and hilariously amateurish production,
“Dark” proves further that this guy doesn’t belong behind a
camera. Or even in the same room as one for that matter."
- "Tara Reid (playing, get this, a museum curator)"
- Rating: F
Five clips from The Wedding Date, a romantic comedy
with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney.
Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
Words, pictures, and vids from
of the Dove" (1997)
In "Wings of the Dove" (1997) Helena Bonham Carter
showed an unusual amount of skin for a mainstream
actress in a mainstream film as you quite rightfully
remarked in your thorough review in the Movie House.
Once again I have nothing to add here and bow in
respect for the aforementioned reviewer. However I
always remembered Helena's triple B performance as a
rather dark scene on the occasions it was on TV. I
was amazed to find out that the version that aired
recently on German television was much brighter than
what I had ever come across and certain caps in the
encyclopedia seem to confirm this. So I decided to
make 5 clips of this scene and send them in so you
can judge for yourself and enjoy Helena in all her
"Ashanti" (1979) is the title of a
lukewarm action/adventure flick starring Michael Caine,
Omar Sharif, Rex Harrison and William Holden. Despite
this prestigious cast the film has difficulties
grasping the attention of the viewer. Caine's wife is
abducted by slave trader Ustinov and we see an
overlong trek through the desert. Michael Caine's wife
is played by Beverly Johnson, who knows to pick her
moment to get kidnapped, namely when she comes out of
the water after she went skinny-dipping. Beverly is of
course more a model than an actress who waited about
as long as Diane Keaton to perform her second nude
scene. Indeed, as the encyclopedia clearly indicates,
she took her time and it wasn't until the year 2002 at
age 49 that she appeared naked again in an episode of
Red Shoe Diaries. The black beauty reveals all three
B's in these two clips. And no, I don't mean that
horse when talking of black beauty, I still don't know
how Anna Sewell associated "black beauty" with a
horse. When I hear that term my thoughts always go
to Halle Berry and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone here.
Here are the results and comments for last week's poll...
Best Nude Debut, the 80's
This week's topic, Best Nude Debut, the 90's! Cast your vote for the actress who made the best nude debut in a film between 1990-1999.
Now before everyone sends me email about Jennifer Connelly, let me clarify the requirements. The actress had to be nekkid, and in her film debut.
For this round, I've eliminated almost all padding. Of the nominees on this list, only 3 had done anything on film prior to the movie debuts you are voting for, the rest were 100% film virgins.
The 3 with padding are Jolie and Theron (who had small, uncredited parts in one movie each) and Elle Macpherson (who had done a bit part as "model" in a Woody Allen movie).
Almost all of these ladies are very big stars now, so I humbly ask voters to try to focus on the nudity rather than their current fame.
Email Scoopy Jr. with your nominees, comments or suggestions.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
"Head in the Clouds"
Spanning the 1920's and 1930's, and set in Paris, England, and Spain, this 2004 drama/romance is both interesting from a historical perspective, and a very cool romance.
Gilda, a rich and carefree young woman with no sexual inhibitions becomes briefly involved with Guy, an Irish collage student. Years later, they reunite in Paris, where Gilda is sharing her apartment with Mia, who is a refugee from Spain. Guy is now a schoolteacher. The three live together and Guy and Mia both share a deep love for Gilda.
As the world is drawn closer to war, Guy and Mia leave for Spain, to fight fascism, he as a soldier, and she as a nurse, while Gilda pursues a successful career as a photographer. As Hitler invades Paris, the lives of all three are changed forever.
An excellent film, with great acting, and a very sad ending. Excellent.
||The Spanish singer showing a bunch of cleavage on Euro-TV.
||The German actress and talk show host playing a drum with her breasts.
||Wearing black undies (with a semi-thong view) in scenes from an episode of German TV series "Sabine!!".
||More great cleavage from German TV in scenes from an episode of "Mensch, Pia!".
||The Danish actress baring all 3 B's in scenes from an episode of the late 60's-early 70's West German TV series "Salto mortale".
|Wearing lingerie and holding a whip in #1, full frontal nudity in #2.
|The "Legally Blonde" star in scenes from "Twilight" (1998). To date, this is the one and only time she's been topless on film.
||Briefly topless in scenes from "Ed Gein" (2000), the biopic about the serial killer and all around nut-job who was the real life inspiration for characters like Norman Bates, Leather Face and Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs".
|DeadLamb 'caps of Electra showing some cleavage while guest starring on "Hope and Faith". In #3 she is passed out on the couch with Kelly Pippa in her lap.
|3 busty babes all topless in scenes from the 1993 classic..."Bikini Squad". 'Caps by Kitt.
Eliza Pryor Nagel
and Carla Gallo
|Duncan 'caps featuring plenty of toplessness in scenes from the critically acclaimed made for HBO series "Carnivàle".
|Señor Skin 'caps of possibly the best...Scream Queen...Ever. Here she is baring breasts and bush in scenes from 1988's "Night of the Demons".
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
OSCAR NOMINATIONS AND SNUBS
Moore Won For "Worst Move" - Oscar nominations came out Tuesday, and "The
Aviator" leads with 11. As usual, the omissions made as much news as the
honorees. Paul Giamatti of "Sideways," who's up for every other award, was
passed over for Best Actor. Mel Gibson's mega-hit, "The Passion of the
Christ," which he declined to buy ads for because it would be tasteless,
got just three nods, for makeup, score and cinematography. And Michael
Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11," which he took out of the documentary category in
hopes of winning "Best Picture," was passed over completely.
Mel Gibson deeply offended Hollywood's core beliefs...He suggested that
blatant self-promotion is tasteless.
Mel's movie didn't get nominated for Best Costumes, so at least the
presenters won't have to do any "Fashion Of The Christ" jokes.
MONK LOSES HIS ELECTRONICS
"What 'Vow Of Poverty?'" - Police in Agapia, Romania, were surprised to get
a complaint from a monk that someone had broken into his cave and stolen
$5600 worth of computer, TV and mobile phone equipment. The monk explained
that even though he lives as a recluse, he likes to keep pace with society.
He lives by himself, has no friends, never has sex, and surfs the
Internet all day...He's not a monk, he's a geek.