"Bite Me!"

Bite Me! (2004) - Big Bugs with Bad Attitudes is the latest EI Independent Cinema release on their Shock-O-Rama label. I have talked much more about their Seduction Cinema soft-core offerings, but they release an interesting mixture of B movie low budget in-house horror, and classics that they acquire rights to. This time, Brett Piper wrote, directed and edited. IMDb suggests that this is horror, but anyone expecting a straight up horror film or a soft core will be disappointed. What it is, is a brilliant horror comedy. The by-line hints at its appeal -- everyone in the film has an attitude.

The plot line is rather simple. Two stoners are delivering stolen pot grown as part of a government experiment to a remote strip club, GoGoSaurus, built under a 40 foot high dinosaur. Mutant spiders escape, and cause them to crash. The dope is delivered anyway, and the spiders are now loose in the strip club. The film stars Misty Mundae, who is the only one to show any bush, but we also have breasts and buns from Julian Wells, who will take over the club if the current owner can't meet his mortgage, Caitlan Ross, a barely conscious chain smoker and the least energetic stripper ever to fall asleep on a pole, and Erika Smith as a near-sighted stripper.

I really don't want to give away anything, but this is the sort of humor that had me in hysterics. Smith will not wear her glasses on stage, not because of vanity, but because she gets too nervous if she can see the crowd. Unfortunately, she is nearly blind without them, and falls right off the stage into a customer's arms. When another man picks a fight with him, he tosses her to the floor with a thud. The female bartender ends up kicking the crap out of both men and a few others.

It is sitting at 3.1 at IMDb, and I can't imagine why. All of the reviews linked give it near perfect marks. This is, by far, the most entertaining release I have seen from EI Independent Cinema, and hopefully there will be more comedies to come. Good writing, reasonable acting, a little nudity, corny spiders, a little stop motion animation and decent photography add up to a really fun film. Even people who hate horror will find themselves laughing at this one. B-.

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  • Caitlin Ross (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
  • Erika Smith (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
  • Julian Wells (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
  • Misty Mundae (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Stone Cold Dead (1979):

    Never seen this mofo, but I happened to notice that Mr Skin had some Linnea Quigley caps from this film, and since Linnea is the one queen to rule all the scream queens ...

    • Linnea Quigley (1, 2)


    Friday Night Lights (2004):

    Back in the early 1980's, when I was working in the corporate marketing department for 7-Eleven, we had our annual "bragging rights" meeting in Dallas in early 1982, and the guys from West Texas took as their theme "It's hard to be humble." Midland and Odessa were two of the most profitable metropolitan areas on a per store basis in 1981, so the local marketing guys from that area droned on and on about their successful local initiatives.

    To those of us in the audience, it seemed that a great comeuppance was in order, because their marketing programs were among the weakest in the United States, and their local personnel were barely above the level of Cro-Magnon Man. The geniuses who explained the secrets of their success made presentations which made them sound like the drop-outs from a remedial reading class.

    Their reversal was swift, and ripped their legs out from under them with such force that even those of us who most wished to see them falter had to feel some compassion for them. Between 1982 and 1984, the oil industry in West Texas lost one third of its jobs, and the economy of the region was destroyed. In 1984, only two years after the glory of "hard to be humble", Midland and Odessa dropped to the very lowest two spots on the profitability rankings of all of the metropolitan areas in which Southland operated! No exaggeration. They fell to last and second-last in the whole USA! Now THAT's comeuppance. From the very best in the USA (or close to it) to the very worst in just two years.

    It got much easier for them to be humble.

    When economic devastation hit the Permian Basin area in the mid-80s, the towns turned for a morale boost to that greatest of all Texas narcotics, high school football. People in small-town Texas always obsess about high school football, as I learned in 1991 and 1992 when I observed first hand the state championships for my company's two "home towns" at the time, Killeen and Temple. Although the football obsession disease is pandemic in Texas, no towns obsess over it more than Odessa and Midland, where Permian and Lee High Schools are always powerful contenders for State Championships. Those teams were important to those towns in the boom times, so you can imagine how the football mania got inflated in the depression of the mid- and late 80s. In that era the towns had absolutely nothing else to offer their residents in terms of hope and pride. The people there felt like losers, and prep football offered a way for the downtrodden local losers to win vicariously.

    This film is the story of one of those teams, Odessa Permian, in one of those years, 1988.

    Y'know, this is a very good sports movie, but I have to say it pissed me off. Why? Because it pretends to be true, and isn't. I got especially irritated when the author of the book came on in the DVD special features and said, "you couldn't make up these kinds of details. Nobody has that good an imagination, or at least I don't." Well, I'll tell you what, cowboy, maybe you are shootin' straight, because people say your book told the whole truth, but the problem is that those comments on the DVD make it seem like you were discussing the movie, not the book. Whatever imagination you lacked, ol' son, the screenwriter had enough for both of you. The movie just made up stuff as it went along.

    Let's start with the big deal of the day. Odessa Permian did not even go to the state championship that year. They did lose to the powerful Dallas team pictured in the movie, but it was in the semi-finals, not in the State Championship, and not in Houston in the climate-controlled Astrodome, but in Dallas in an outdoor stadium in a rain storm. The Dallas team went on to win the finals 31-14.

    Second, Odessa did not lose their last game 34-28 as pictured in the film. Subtract 20 from both sides and you'll just about have it. They lost 14-9. I suppose 14-9 games aren't very cinematic, are they? They don't provide much opportunity for dramatic scoring opportunities and long roads back. Permian did have a chance to win the game on the final play, as shown in the film, but it was not a run stopped at the one inch line. The ending of the real game was much less dramatic than the movie in one sense because it was simply an incomplete pass, but the real life situation was actually more dramatic than the film in another regard - that pass was to win the ball game, not to tie. (I wonder why the scriptwriter didn't make the score 34-29 instead of 34-28.)

    Third, in a sense, the Odessa boys really were the State Champions that year! Say what? How can that be? It's because life is often far more complicated than the movies. Far more. Especially in big-time Texas high school football. You see, the Dallas team was crooked, and got caught for various recruiting violations, so they had to forfeit their 31-14 victory over Converse Judson in the championship game. The official score of the State Championship was retroactively changed to 1-0, and Converse Judson was declared the official but tainted State Champion. But wait! The Dallas team was only forced to forfeit the finals, not any of the earlier rounds - so Odessa Permian was ousted by an illegal team! To make a fair comparison, the tainted state champion Converse Judson team had lost to the illegal Dallas team by 17 in the finals, but Odessa Permian had only lost to the same guys by 5 in the semis. I think you could reasonably argue that Odessa Permian WAS the legitimate Texas State Champ that year. Oh, well. Whatever. They proved they really were the champs in the following year when they won the undisputed championship.

    Fourth, a lot of the details along the way were completely misleading. If you watched the film, you think they won big in their first game, then got killed in game two after having lost their big star, Boobie Miles. Wrong. They did win the first game 49-0, but Boobie was not in that game. He actually injured himself in a pre-season scrimmage! Permian did lose the second game, but it was not the 49-7 slaughter pictured in the film. They dropped a squeaker, 13-12. After that second game, perhaps you think they just barely survived the next six with grit and guile, absent their star, right? Wrong. They won those six games 35-14, 35-7, 42-0, 49-0, 48-2, and 56-14. Then you think they lost the storied rivalry game with Midland Lee by getting their asses kicked, right? Wrong. They dropped another squeaker 22-21.

    Fifth, the season pictured was Gaines's third with the team (not second), and his salary was 48k (not 60k). Why change these details?

    I'm not sure how I feel about all this lyin'. I guess I don't mind when a story is a pack of lies, and I don't mind when a story is true, but I do dislike a pack of lies masquerading as truth. Criminy! If you are going to make up all the details, just change the names while you're at it, and make the whole damned thing fictional, rather than making it a nearly-fictional story with real names.

    On the other hand, I ask you, does that really matter? I mean really?

    First of all, the film drew me in and held me there throughout with great pacing and characterization.

    Furthermore, the film reaches down into the universal truth even if it fudges the details.

    • The poor coach is threatened with firing everywhere he goes. Even the Wal-Mart and fast food clerks tell him they really hope that he wins the state championship, in the same conspiratorial, subtly threatening tone that the Godfather uses when he tells you that he can do a favor for you, but someday he'll ask you a favor. In both cases, "you damn well better do it, or else ... " is implicit.

    • Businesses close and the towns are deserted when the games are going.

    • The players have to decide the true meaning of being winners and being teammates, and they do it in a realistic and inspiring way.

    So, in the last analysis, since I found the story engrossing and moving and generally true to the reality of Texas high school football, I reckon I'll forgive the lyin', and call it an excellent fictional story based closely upon reality.

    • Amber Heard. (1, 2) No nudity is visible in real time, but the pause button saves the day. Blockbuster only has the widescreen version of this movie. As we saw in some caps the other day, there is more exposed in the full screen version.


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    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
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    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

    "Wings of the Dove" (1997)

    In "Wings of the Dove" (1997) Helena Bonham Carter showed an unusual amount of skin for a mainstream actress in a mainstream film as you quite rightfully remarked in your thorough review in the Movie House. Once again I have nothing to add here and bow in respect for the aforementioned reviewer. However I always remembered Helena's triple B performance as a rather dark scene on the occasions it was on TV. I was amazed to find out that the version that aired recently on German television was much brighter than what I had ever come across and certain caps in the encyclopedia seem to confirm this. So I decided to make 5 clips of this scene and send them in so you can judge for yourself and enjoy Helena in all her glory.


    "Ashanti" (1979)

    "Ashanti" (1979) is the title of a lukewarm action/adventure flick starring Michael Caine, Omar Sharif, Rex Harrison and William Holden. Despite this prestigious cast the film has difficulties grasping the attention of the viewer. Caine's wife is abducted by slave trader Ustinov and we see an overlong trek through the desert. Michael Caine's wife is played by Beverly Johnson, who knows to pick her moment to get kidnapped, namely when she comes out of the water after she went skinny-dipping. Beverly is of course more a model than an actress who waited about as long as Diane Keaton to perform her second nude scene. Indeed, as the encyclopedia clearly indicates, she took her time and it wasn't until the year 2002 at age 49 that she appeared naked again in an episode of Red Shoe Diaries. The black beauty reveals all three B's in these two clips. And no, I don't mean that horse when talking of black beauty, I still don't know how Anna Sewell associated "black beauty" with a horse. When I hear that term my thoughts always go to Halle Berry and I'm pretty sure I'm not alone here.


    Jr's Polls
    Here are the results and comments for last week's poll...

    Best Nude Debut, the 80's

    This week's topic, Best Nude Debut, the 90's! Cast your vote for the actress who made the best nude debut in a film between 1990-1999.

    Now before everyone sends me email about Jennifer Connelly, let me clarify the requirements. The actress had to be nekkid, and in her film debut.

    For this round, I've eliminated almost all padding. Of the nominees on this list, only 3 had done anything on film prior to the movie debuts you are voting for, the rest were 100% film virgins.

    The 3 with padding are Jolie and Theron (who had small, uncredited parts in one movie each) and Elle Macpherson (who had done a bit part as "model" in a Woody Allen movie).

    Almost all of these ladies are very big stars now, so I humbly ask voters to try to focus on the nudity rather than their current fame.

    Email Scoopy Jr. with your nominees, comments or suggestions.

    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "Head in the Clouds"
    Spanning the 1920's and 1930's, and set in Paris, England, and Spain, this 2004 drama/romance is both interesting from a historical perspective, and a very cool romance.

    Gilda, a rich and carefree young woman with no sexual inhibitions becomes briefly involved with Guy, an Irish collage student. Years later, they reunite in Paris, where Gilda is sharing her apartment with Mia, who is a refugee from Spain. Guy is now a schoolteacher. The three live together and Guy and Mia both share a deep love for Gilda.

    As the world is drawn closer to war, Guy and Mia leave for Spain, to fight fascism, he as a soldier, and she as a nurse, while Gilda pursues a successful career as a photographer. As Hitler invades Paris, the lives of all three are changed forever.

    An excellent film, with great acting, and a very sad ending. Excellent.

    Azúcar Moreno The Spanish singer showing a bunch of cleavage on Euro-TV.

    Barbara Schöneberger The German actress and talk show host playing a drum with her breasts.

    Bojana Golenac Wearing black undies (with a semi-thong view) in scenes from an episode of German TV series "Sabine!!".

    Brigitte Karner More great cleavage from German TV in scenes from an episode of "Mensch, Pia!".

    Birte Tove The Danish actress baring all 3 B's in scenes from an episode of the late 60's-early 70's West German TV series "Salto mortale".

    Catherine Flemming
    (1, 2)

    Wearing lingerie and holding a whip in #1, full frontal nudity in #2.

    Reese Witherspoon
    (1, 2)

    The "Legally Blonde" star in scenes from "Twilight" (1998). To date, this is the one and only time she's been topless on film.

    Heather Gettings Briefly topless in scenes from "Ed Gein" (2000), the biopic about the serial killer and all around nut-job who was the real life inspiration for characters like Norman Bates, Leather Face and Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs".

    Carmen Electra
    (1, 2, 3)

    DeadLamb 'caps of Electra showing some cleavage while guest starring on "Hope and Faith". In #3 she is passed out on the couch with Kelly Pippa in her lap.

    Julie Strain
    Donna Baltron
    Maureen Flaherty
    (1, 2)

    3 busty babes all topless in scenes from the 1993 classic..."Bikini Squad". 'Caps by Kitt.

    Carla Gallo
    (1, 2, 3)

    Cynthia Ettinger

    Eliza Pryor Nagel
    (1, 2)

    Cynthia Ettinger
    and Carla Gallo
    (1, 2, 3)

    Saemi Nakamura
    (1, 2, 3)

    Duncan 'caps featuring plenty of toplessness in scenes from the critically acclaimed made for HBO series "Carnivàle".

    Linnea Quigley
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    Señor Skin 'caps of possibly the best...Scream Queen...Ever. Here she is baring breasts and bush in scenes from 1988's "Night of the Demons".

    Pat Reeder
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    Moore Won For "Worst Move" - Oscar nominations came out Tuesday, and "The Aviator" leads with 11. As usual, the omissions made as much news as the honorees. Paul Giamatti of "Sideways," who's up for every other award, was passed over for Best Actor. Mel Gibson's mega-hit, "The Passion of the Christ," which he declined to buy ads for because it would be tasteless, got just three nods, for makeup, score and cinematography. And Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 9/11," which he took out of the documentary category in hopes of winning "Best Picture," was passed over completely.

  • Mel Gibson deeply offended Hollywood's core beliefs...He suggested that blatant self-promotion is tasteless.
  • Mel's movie didn't get nominated for Best Costumes, so at least the presenters won't have to do any "Fashion Of The Christ" jokes.

    "What 'Vow Of Poverty?'" - Police in Agapia, Romania, were surprised to get a complaint from a monk that someone had broken into his cave and stolen $5600 worth of computer, TV and mobile phone equipment. The monk explained that even though he lives as a recluse, he likes to keep pace with society.

  • He lives by himself, has no friends, never has sex, and surfs the Internet all day...He's not a monk, he's a geek.