Bikini Summer (1991) is a mindless tittie flick made in Malibu Beach, California. A group of friends have the use of a beach house while the owner is away traveling, on the condition that they remodel it. Each has their own agenda. David Millbern wants to score with chicks by pretending to be a photographer. Kent Lipham wants to drink beer, eat munchies, snooze and belch. Kelli Konop hopes to get rich designing hot bikinis, Shelley Michelle wants to make a success out of her girl band and Melinda Armstrong wants to work on her tan and meet a decent hot guy.
Incidental cast includes a female district attorney (Rebekah Alfred) supporting a lecherous landlord who peeps on Michelle in the shower, and wants to build condos on the beach, a environmental crusader, a music composer/producer, two hopeless nerds, and lots of girls in bikinis. The confrontation between the kids and the DA builds, and everything suddenly figures out that the solution to everyone's problem is a bikini contest.
Armstrong has the most exposure, and shows everything first being surprised in the bathroom, then swimming nude in a pool. Michelle shows breasts, buns, and a hint of bush in the peeping tom shower scene. Alfred shows breasts trying on a bikini at the end of the film. Several unknowns also expose breasts and buns. IMDB readers have this at 3.6 of 10. Had the image quality not been so poor, I might have generously given a C-. After all, the bikini genre doesn't have very high standards. As released, however, this is a D.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
New volumes (11): Florence Guerin, Nathalie Guerin, Sophie Guillemin,
Jennifer Grey, Jesse St. James, Rachael Stirling, Taylor St. Claire,
Suzanne Somers, Wendy Shumacher, Ally Sheedy, Angel Schijf
Updated volumes (17): Kim Yates, Sean Young, Liv Tyler, Marisa Tomei,
Lea Thompson, Emma Thompson, Sita Thompson, Anna
Thomson, Charlize Theron, Angel Tomkins, Jennifer Tilly, Leelee
Sobieski, Sharon Stone, Madeleine Stowe, Lori Singer, Ludivine
Sagnier, Stefania Sandrelli
Terminator 3 (2003)
I've talked about it before.
Here's the link. I think I
said that this movie is like the best-ever episode of Battlebots, if
you're into that. I was disappointed in the DVD. It is so-so dark. I
was expecting dark, but this was stygian.
The Safety of Objects (2001)
I've changed the message on my phone answering machine, just in
case I'm out when the Lifetime Channel calls. If
they're looking for their lost movie, I've found it.
The person who wrote the following
comment at amazon.com meant it to be praise, but as you can see, it
could not be a stronger warning if it came with a cow skull and
gorgeous collage of human details, The Safety of Objects
intertwines the stories of four families living as neighbors in a
pleasant suburb, all of them grappling in various ways with the
aftermath of a car accident that left a teenager in a coma."
That says it all. Three of the four key signs of imminent
- child dying or in a coma
The fourth sign was missing. The only way to make it worse is if
the reviewer had said that the film was a "tone poem".
One of the families lost a promising son to an
accident, and he lay in a coma. One of the ladies next door was
having an affair with coma boy. Coma boy's mother continued to dedicate
her life to him, causing her husband and daughter no end of grief
over their neglect. The hippies next door worshipped coma boy as a
god. The cute little girl next door wanted to use him as a sled. And so forth.
I fabricated a lot of that, in case you are a DENSA member.
What really happened is that each of the families dealt with life
in that special way used by stereotyped characters in
family-centered melodramas, except that in this case they were
forced to do so without the calm, reassuring, introspective presence
of Kevin Kline. Kline is probably in court with these people,
because his contract specifically requires him to be in this kind of
movie. Maybe he had a conflict, and was courageously dying of cancer
in another film.
It really needed Uma Thurman to show up and start
slashing people with Samurai swords. Freakin' Tarantino seems to be
ubiquitous, but where is he when you really need him?
Based on this description, this is a
C-. I guess it can't be any lower than that because it had a
reasonably good collection of reviews. I found it completely
predictable, and sheer torture to watch. I had to drop it from a C
to a C- because of the absence of either Kevin Kline or Tone Poetry.
Sisters Darlene and
Carol Barnaola, co-playmates January 2000.
Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
Krystle wins the Page 3 Idol competition.
Ms. No Swim Suit 2003
Naked lesbian Twister en Espanol.
The perfect site.
Strip Snooker is a possible Olympic event.
Well, it would be if I ran the Olympics.
Together with rock band "The Trollops," director
Gorman Bechard's video explores the art of female masturbation.
Sushi in the raw: Restaurant's nude displays get
women's group steamed.
Opera-goers get a two-cheeked revue in Brazil.
Angry director drops his pants, shows booing crowd the moon"
I think he must regret casting Shatner and Yoko as Tristan and
Isolde. He was arrested, by the way, for public indecency.
Why you've heard of Jessica Lynch, not Zan
Gillette is spying on you.
I thought I saw Sharpie the parrot flying behind me when I walked
to 7-Eleven. And people said I was insane.
Blue Jays Roy Halladay wins the AL Cy Young Award.
He got 26 of the 28 votes. Loaiza got the other two votes and
Nicole Kidman tells W magazine that she keeping her
Kravitz romance private. I
don't think telling W and ABC is a good way to start. If she
really wanted it private, she'd tell W that she's dating me, then
sneak out in disguise with Kravitz.
Beloved actor Art Carney dead at 85
A quick course in made-for-TV movies 101
The Smoking Gun: has a clip of Dubya - apparently
drunk as a skunk - in 1992.
(Or maybe he is capable of doing this sober. He gave up drinking
in 1986, or so they say.)
Get your R. Lee Ermey action figure
Hitchcock's cameo appearances in his movies. All 41
are listed, with screen caps from 37 of them.
Joe Lieberman sings "Oklahoma".
This ain't pretty.
The Jessica Lynch book is not selling on its first
The Onion's Infograph on the objectionable scenes
in the Reagan bio. My
favorite: Reagan trading guns for hostages out of the trunk of his
Actor Christian Slater's Wife beats the crap out of
him. Life ain't like a
movie, li'l fella. Slater's official bio continues to move his
height somewhat closer to reality. Three years ago, IMDb said he
was 5'11". If you look at him in 3000 Miles to Graceland, the top
of his Elvis pompadour only comes up to Coster's eyes, and Costner
is listed at 6'1". Slater's IMDb bio now says 5' 8.5".
Studio Stills Photo- Slater and Costner
The mugshot of Christian Slater's wife
Florida teacher gives new meaning to the term "oral
Nostalgia for private-label novelty cereals
I need a bowl of Donkey Kong Jr.
Meet the Portland Trail Blazer Dancers
Schwarzenegger to hire investigators to see if he
groped anyone, but he may not make the results public, or turn
them over to the Attorney General.
Given that the info is just for him, and is just about him, he
could save a lot of money and just use a little investigative
technique I like to call "memory"
Clouds of Consciousness - images we see in cloud
Keeping Watch for Interstellar Computer Viruses
X-4 is already in planning,
a Wolverine solo project
Tony Danza to get his own talk show
Pornmeister Larry Flynt said he's bought purported
nude photos of Iraq war heroine Jessica Lynch.
He first said he would publish them, then changed his mind.
Frankly, my dear, I don't give edam - the cheesiest
Want To See The List Of Best Guy Movies? Well, Do
Starbucks Introduces "Mormon Blend"
Justin Timberlake is entering the restaurant
business. Everything on
the menu is flavored with saccharine.
DANNIELLA WESTBROOK is having another boob job - as
a 30th birthday gift from her hubby.
Tigers likely will focus on less expensive player
Good strategy. I think I could play right field for them next
year, if they really want that loss record.
I'll see your senator Dennis Miller and raise you a
senator Al Franken. The
senate oratory will have to be accompanied by rim shots. I'm still
dreaming of Senator Top.
The Wisdom of Jessica Simpson
These Are Definitely Not Scully's Breasts.
It's a Wired article about our old pal, The Fake Detective.
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick
Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
- Juliane Köhler, topless in scenes from the Oscar winning "Nowhere in Africa" (Best Foreign Language Film of the Year, 2003).
Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.
'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
"Speedway" (aka Last Road) was made in 1997, and I'll
resist for the moment any temptation to say that it
has two the biggest things going for it. You'll see
It is the story of drag racers and their molls. Which
makes it unusual. Oh, there are lots of sports movies
and even a few dozen race car movies (Le Mans, Days of
Thunder) but I can think of only one other drag racing
movie. It was Heart Like a Wheel, starring Bonnie
Bedelia as Shirley Muldowney. A way better movie than
Speedway, even though Bonnie kept her clothes on.
Julie Strain stars a drag-racer's widow. She's a
first rate mechanic who has to put up with the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune, personified by an
unscrupulous beast who wants nothing more than to
break her late hubster's record of consecutive wins on
the legit track. Then there is also backroad racing,
in which the winner does take all... the loser's car,
Former Hefmate Petra Verkaik (Dec '89) plays the new
guy's main squeeze, while former Hefmate Suzi Simpson
(Jan '92) plays someone else's object de lust.
The plot just sorta ambles along, like a 90 minute
soap opera. There's angst and sport-humpin' and greed
and anger and more sport-humpin'. Or at least there
looks to be some sport-humpin' but I gotta tell you,
what passes as foreplay and as copulatory activity by
the racing set seems like just plain weirdness to
these aged eyes. Check it out. One guy has Petra all
to himself and what does he do? Drives a toy car all
over her frontal surface. Dangerous curves, indeed,
but not what I would call a good time had by all.
And a second guy has Julie all nekkid and in the water
and just about begging for a roll in the hay, and
there he stands with his jeans on. BTW, this guy who
plays Julie's new love interest could not have looked
more overcome with ennui had he been forced to watch
The Anna Nicole Smith show. This was Julie in her
prime and if a guy can't get up a little interest over
that he belongs on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy,
playing the one with the eye.
So it was a stinker, to be sure, but tolerable because
Julie has two nekkid scenes, one of them fully
frontally so. Suzi Simpson has a topless scene and
(here's the reason I got this puppy) Petra has two
scenes showing off her breasts and bum.
If you don't know Petra, be advised that she is
reportedly the most photographed woman in the pages of
the Hefmag and not because she has such an enchanting
smile and terrific personality. Nope, those would not
be the two reasons.
- Julie Strain
- Suzi Simpson
- Petra Verkaik
Second movie for today is The Firing Line, starring
the B-movie queen and former Hefmate, Shannon Tweed.
So, okay, Speedway was a dogger of a movie, but it was
Silence of the Lambs, Snatch, Dogma and Memento all
rolled up into one compared with The Firing Line. The
plot has Shannon Tweed running around the jungle in
the company of a gov't-hired former Green Beret who is
now training the indigenous rebel band for reasons
that just don't fucking matter. Shannon takes a bath
and has a sport-humpin' scene with Mr. Beret, but get
this... she does not give up the goodies, except for a
single frame shot from forty miles away.
WTF? Shannon had done a half-dozen really nekkid
movies before this one and a couple dozen after, so
why the modesty? And I do mean modesty. She goes out
of her way to keep the goodies behind an arm or a rock
or anything else that might be opaque. Movie had a R
rating from use of the F word, so it could not be a
ploy to pack in the teenboppers. No, the way I figure
it, Shannon charged by the amount of flesh exposed:
$50K with hooties hidden, $100K to let them out to
play. Sadly, this and the screenwriter's salary were
places the producers looked to cut costs.
'Caps and comments by Spaz:
Censors of the Realm...
re: the recently released straight-to-video "Slaves of the Realm" starring Rena Mero aka Sable and directed by Lloyd Simandl
There are various cuts floating around. The fullest version "Sins of the Realm" released in Japan kept all the lesbian sex and violence (princesses being whipped, flogged, strangled, branded with hot irons, etc.). The UK release "Chained Sinners: Medieval Fleshpots" has some of the violence cut out but kept the lesbian scenes. But the R-rated US version "Slaves of the Realm" has been sliced to ribbons. The violence has been left in but two extended group lesbian sex scenes have been cut out completely. The video is "Rated R for sexual content and some violence" which is MPAA doublespeak for "we objected to the sex but not the violence".
- Here are caps from the two missing lesbian scenes!
Invest in an all-codes international DVD player. Many Simandl videos are not being released at all in the US and the ones that do are very tame and trimmed down.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
"Delta of Venus"
What you can always expect from a Zalman King movie is classy erotica, without the B-movie quality you've come to accept from most erotic films. This 1995 drama delivers.
In 1940 Paris, a young woman from America starts writing erotic fiction based on her own experiences. In the process, she falls in love.
Set against the backdrop of Hitler's approach to France, and loaded with sex and nudity, this one is hard not to like. :-)
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
FLYNT BUYS LYNCH TOPLESS PHOTOS
Hustlers, Indeed - Matt Drudge reports that Larry Flynt claims he's
obtained topless photos of rescued Iraq War veteran Jessica Lynch and plans
to publish them in Hustler. MilitaryCorruption.com reports that the
provocative shots were allegedly taken by comrades in a barracks before
Lynch went to Iraq. Some former members of her unit reportedly tried to
sell them to the Globe tabloid for $200,000 and were turned down flat
because publishing them would be unpatriotic, low and despicable.
So naturally, they went to Larry Flynt.
This is shocking news...The Globe actually has STANDARDS!
NBC's kicking themselves that they didn't have these photos for the TV
movie...Imagine the ratings!
This answers the question, "How does Larry Flynt observe Veteran's Day?"
HAIRY SHANIA IS THE COUNTRY MADONNA
Don't Impress Me Much - During a break from filming an NBC special, Shania
Twain told the crowd that she's not picky about shaving her body hair.
Twain said she got into the non-shaving habit while growing up in northern
Canada. She said, "There are a lot of hairy girls in winters. That's the
beauty of winter. You wear long sleeves and pants, and you become a
gorilla." When she said this, she was wearing a long-sleeved, black
And under it, a fur coat.
She feels like a woman, but she looks like Robin Williams.
This explains why Canadian men drink so much beer...It also explains all
the Bigfoot sightings.
BREAST MILK AD YANKED
Formula Jokes - An unnamed 23-year-old woman in Salt Lake City, Utah, ran
an unusual classified ad offering her extra breast milk for $1 an ounce or
$350 for 400 ounces. She said she just wanted to help other new moms, but
she yanked the ad after getting too many prank calls. One man said he
wanted an endless supply for protein drinks, while another man asked if it
came in chocolate.
And in large-size jugs.
Another man said he hates glasses and asked if he could drink it
straight from the bottle.
Another wanted it to make milk shakes, and he asked if he could watch
her shake it.
Men are so infantile.