"The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing"

The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004) day one. This is a comedy spoof from Seduction Cinema staring Erika Smith as the only living decendent of the famous vampire hunter Van Helsings. She is a college nerd and virgin, and is tasked with a revenge killing of the dread Dracoola (Darian Caine). Dracoola asks her to recruit virgins, as she needs virgin blood to retain her youthful appearance, so Smith goes after lesbians, as the only likely virgins. There are way too many naked women for one night, so tonight we have Erikca Smith, Darian Caine, and AJ Kahn, as Smith's only friend.

Smith shows a breast, Kahn shows breasts and buns, and Caine shows all three Bs. Tomorrow night, the rest of the review, and the other naked women. I will say that I will be giving this an enthusiastic thumbs up.

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  • AJ Kahn (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21)
  • Darian Caine (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29)
  • Erika Smith (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Original Sin (2000):

    Tuna and I discussed this movie at length. It is an operatic (sometimes laughably operatic) noir thriller with plot twist after plot twist. It is a remake of Truffaut's Missippi Mermaid. Maybe I should not say that. It is more precise to say that Original Sin, like Mississippi Mermaid,  is a film based upon Cornell Woolrich's "Waltz into Darkness". The first half of the two films is quite similar, but the films diverge there. The second half of Missippi Mermaid is a character-driven story about obsession, while the second half of Original Sin is plot-driven and wanders into some pretty loony places.

    Critics hated Original Sin. It got something like 10% positive reviews. Tuna and I thought it was watchable - basically just another femme fatale potboiler with a few too many plot twists for its own good. I described it as a Pia Zadora movie with Angelina Jolie as Pia Zadora. On the other end of the spectrum, Roger Ebert thought it was a pretty cool movie, and awarded three stars.

    Anyway, the reason for revisiting it is that the still captures just don't show how horny these sex scenes are. You have to see it in motion. I did make a few new collages, but what you really want to see here is movie clip #1, in which Jolie and Banderas do some mighty good fuckin', and Jolie bounces around as if she were being jackhammered.

    • Angelina Jolie collages. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • Angelina Jolie movies. (1, 2, 3) (zipped .wmvs) The first one is the one you want to see. The second one is the bath, which is basically a still-life with some camera movement. The third one is boring, with neither much nudity nor much else of interest.


    Dawn of the Dead (2004):

    These two clips from usenet indicate that our reader was right. We identified Luigia Zucaro incorrectly. (IMDb agrees) I guess Luigia is the naked woman by the car, and Kim Kerns is the boat chick.


    Other Crap:


    Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

    Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap




    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.


    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.


    Words from Scoop.

    .avi's from Shiloh.

    .wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

    NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

    I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.


    Miami Blues (1990) - Day 2

    Alec Baldwin as a psychopath. An unusually svelte Jennifer Jason Leigh as a community college girl who is hooking to start her toward her dream of owning a Burger King,


    Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

    Shiloh says:

    FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.
    When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

    A reader says:

    You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

    Scoop says:

    I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.


    Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS

    Hello Scoopy !

    I'm not feeling 100% today, so here is an other short update....

    Hamlet (2002)

    From yesterday's Fun House I've learned that in Shakespeare's days women couldn't perform on stage, be it clothed or naked. Well they certainly can now and that's why I selected 2 clips from a 2002 German stage version of Hamlet. Isabelle Menke shows all 3 B's and Juliane Niemann lets us admire her breasts.

    Scoop's note: this must be the silliest Hamlet ever, but Juliane Niemann is really cute! (Menke is not so cute, but you have to watch her clip just to get the full, pretentious, arty-farty flavor of this production.)

    True Woman (1999) - Part 5

    Shu Qi, our True Woman, concludes this submission with a sixth and final clip. T

    That's all for today.

    Yours faithfully,


    Crimson Ghost
    NOTE: We currently have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Instead of viewing them online, save the zip files to your hard drive in the directory of your choice, un-zip and play from there.

    First up from the Ghost today...

    'Caps and clips of Marisol Padilla Sánchez topless in scenes from the 1999 movie "Dementia". Sánchez has several A-list credits to her name, including small roles in "Traffic", "Before Night Falls" and "L.A. Confidential". However she also recently made an appearnce in "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights". I guess she must have had a sick puppy or something.

    • Marisol Padilla Sánchez 'caps (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
    • Marisol Padilla Sánchez zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)

    Next up, video clips from sequel that we just could not live without..."Stripped to Kill II: Live Girls" (1989).

    zipped .wmv's as usual

    • Maria Ford the former Vegas showgirl turned Skinemax babe. Here she takes off her top to reveal her original equipment.

    • Michael Madsen's second ex-wife Jeannine Bisignano. Here she is topless, showing a brief thong view and working the brass pole.

    • Lisa Glaser, more toplessness and thong views.

    • Marjean Holden, yup, even more strippin'

    • Debra Lamb, the official Fire Breathing stripper you see in all of these lo-budget stripper/thrillers. In #1 she just dances. In #2 you get to see her work her magic. (1, 2)

    Amanda Righetti
    (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Looking great in bikini 'caps from the FOX series "North Shore".

    Summer Phoenix
    (1, 2)

    The youngest of the Phoenix siblings bares her bum in #1 and is seen in her bra in link #2. These 'caps feature scenes from the movie "Suzie Gold" (2004). Apparently this is a UK made "Big Fat Greek Wedding"-like story, but with a Jewish family instead. Currently there is no US release date info at IMDb.

    Rachel Hunter
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

    The Kiwi supermodel and actress looking super sexy in the video for the Fountains of Wayne song that salutes MILF's everywhere, "Stacey's Mom".

    Ashley Judd
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16)

    Mira Sorvino
    (1, 2)

    From the recently released DVD of the 1996 made for HBO bio pic "Norma Jean & Marilyn". Judd bares all 3 B's while playing the younger, more innocent Norma Jean Dougherty. Sorvino bares her breasts while portraying the platinum blonde alter-ego known as Marilyn Monroe.

    Jennifer Gareis
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    Señor Skin 'caps of the former Miss Hawaiian Tropic topless and showing off some excellent thong views in scenes from "Luckytown" (2000).

    Mail Bag
    Subject: Bitter Moon - aspect ratio corrected
    D'oh! In my recent batch of 'caps, the aspect ratio was off. So...here are the corrected versions of Emmanuelle Seigner and Kristin Scott Thomas in "Bitter Moon".


    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    She's A Quasi-British Quasi-Jew - The Forward, a New York Jewish weekly, placed Madonna at #51 on its list of America's most powerful and influential Jews, even though she's not Jewish. She was chosen for making the mystical quasi-Jewish Kabbalah "a worldwide trend." Madonna was also just inducted into the UK Music Hall of Fame, even though she's not British.

  • She has a British accent, but it sounds slightly Yiddish.
  • She recorded "Like A Virgin," so next, they'll put her in the Virginity Hall of Fame.

    Let's Never Speak Of It Again - Saturday in New York, Star Jones of ABC's "The View" finally held her lavish, endlessly-ballyhooed, corporate-sponsored, celebrity-packed wedding to banker Al Reynolds. Jones wore a designer strapless wedding dress with a 27-foot train. It took seven people to carry it.

  • The only other thing that was ever that big and that white was the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man.
  • It also took seven people to carry the bride across the threshold.
  • Later came the wedding night, sponsored by Viagra and Trojan condoms.

    Slim Chance - Friday, Michael Jackson called into Geraldo Rivera's show outside MTV studios in New York, where about 20 fans were protesting Eminem's video "Just Lose It." It shows a Michael looklike losing his nose and setting his hair on fire. Michael said it's "demeaning and disrespectful" to him and "to our community," and "he needs to stop it now." BET dropped the video, but MTV still airs it. Eminem replied that he also parodies himself, Pee Wee Herman and other stars in the video, and only Michael complained; plus the video just shows kids jumping on Michael's bed, and that's exactly what Michael said they did.

  • I don't think Michael said they were naked...
  • Eminem is insulting the entire community of formerly-black, surgically-altered pedophiles.
  • Michael was shocked to learn that people are making jokes about HIM!
  • Are they sure that isn't actually Michael's newest video?