The annual nude scene poll is closed. The winner and the second place finisher won their respective positions by a mile. Pictorial and numerical results will be posted on New Year's Day, as usual.

Into the Blue (2005)

Sunken treasure, sharks, pirates, drug lords, police boats, compressor gauges pointing to zero, women in skimpy clothing.

You know, the usual underwater adventure stuff.

Many critics assailed the performances in this film, but I think the acting was misunderstood. All the actors in this adventure were making use of a Stanislavsky system. You may not be aware of it, but the great Russian acting teacher had more than one acting system. Most of you are familiar with his dry land method, but there is also an intricate Stanislavsky system for acting underwater. Well, to be honest, Konstantin Stanislavsky didn't really spend much time on the underwater version of the system. He just sort of kicked it off and lent his name to it. It was actually developed by his ne'er-do-well cousin, Sasha Stanislavsky, who sold it door-to-door in Moscow with a network of multi-level marketers. Sasha became incredibly rich, thanks to Russia's boundless fascination with underwater histrionics. Just as New Yorkers love their Shakespeare in the Park, there is nothing Moscovites love more on a summer night than Pushkin in the Pool. Lenin himself was torn between his desire for agrarian reform, and his childhood dream of playing Alexander Nevsky in one of St. Petersburg's famed glass-walled Drama Canals. And Trotsky's reported assassination was merely a cover story to mask the fact that he actually passed away trying to take a curtain call. Unprepared for a particularly prolonged ovation for his Underwater Roskolnikov, he surfaced too quickly and died from the bends.

At any rate, Into the Blue has a plot, but it's pretty much what you'd expect. A poor-but-honest diver comes upon a treasure trove of sunken delights, and then finds the wreckage of a drug plane in the same vicinity. He can't file a salvage claim for the ancient wreckage until he can identify a precise source of the artifacts, and that will require time and patience. He won't be able to file any claim at all if he reports the wrecked drug plane, because "the place will be crawling with cops." So he compromises with his less-scrupulous partner and their girlfriends. They decide to leave the drug cache unreported until they can properly identify the ancient wreck and secure their salvage rights. Unfortunately, there are four people who know the location of a plane filled with enough cocaine. Some of them develop loose lips while others just get too greedy.

None of that provides any real surprises. It's your basic John Agar / Gilbert Roland movie updated with color photography, a better background score, and a script adapted to modern technology and pharmaceuticals. Better living through chemistry - and electronics.

I did find out something important from this film. Movie sharks are just like movie dogs. They can sense evil, and will only attack bad guys.

To tell you the truth, Into the Blue is not an original thriller, and the second half introduces too many tangential characters, but the film is not without pleasures. There is some entertainment value residing in the fact that it's a tale of two booties. Pirate booty. Jessica Alba's booty. Maybe that should be a tail of two booties. Either way, if you are interested in both the tale and the tail, Into the Blue is watchable as a straightforward yarn filled with beautiful young people in swimsuits. (Alba and Paul Walker - most beautiful couple ever?) If you are interested in neither of those, skip it. If you are somewhere in between, I have two words for you: fast forward.



Jessica Alba
Ashley Scott


Other Crap:

Roto-Rooter Lists Weirdest Items Found In Plumbing
  • "a live Civil War cannon shell. It was believed to be leftover from the 1863 siege of Vicksburg."

Donald Trump and Penis Patch - list of top 2005 junk mail subjects (Note: AOL has reported that they blocked 80% of all e-mail because it was spam - and they still missed a ton of it! )

A clip from the new horror film, Tamara (opens February)

Victoria Silvstedt Bikini Mania!

Mrs. Partridge in Sex Romp in New Movie

311 Feature Films Eligible for 2005 Oscar

Two pictures from the set of the remake of The Wicker Man

What's the most unusual place you've ever had sex, Jenna Jameson?

Conan O'Brien looks back on 2005.

The Oscar Warrior - Best Picture predictions

The first eight minutes of On the Outs -

  • "On the Outs" is a dramatic narrative feature based upon the real stories of girls from the streets and juvenile jail, who lent their voices and unique stories to the filmmakers. These are girls who struggle with all the highs and lows of teenage life in an inner-city world that makes its own rules. The film follows the lives of three central characters from the same Jersey City neighborhood: Oz, 17, is a tough drug dealer with her own corner and the street's respect, who struggles to keep her family intact. Suzette, the sheltered 15 year old daughter of a single mother, whose first teenage crush has life changing repercussions, and Marisol, 17, a single mother who fights both her own demons and the uncompromising world of foster care to keep her child.

Motorist beaten by Milwaukee mob after honking at them

The Simpsons spoof Requiem for a Dream

Here ya go ... Parker and Longoria's police report from The Smoking Gun

  • Eva Longoria is listed as 5'3", 130. I would have thought more like 5'2", 110

Experiment - how to make communion wafers taste better



Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.




Sex and a Girl (2001)

Sex and a Girl (2001) is a "coming of age" story about a High School girl (Angela Gots) who has always dreamed of attending Julliard to become a ballerina. Her hippy mother (Ellen Greene) also desperately wants this for her, but her philandering father doesn't much care one way of the other. When her father and mother split, and her first sexual experience with the captain of the football team lasts about three seconds, she falls apart. Will her dance teacher, played by Genevieve Bujold, be able to get her back on track?

This is a 6.0 at IMDb, and a C- on our scale. If you like the "coming of age" genre, this one is OK. It's an easy watch full of colorful characters, and is about far more than sex. The final message - that you are responsible for your own happiness -  is a good one. 

Gots shows her breasts, barely, and Green shows buns, and a side view of a breast. This could easily have had much more in the way of nudity.


Angela Gots
Ellen Greene


The Unnamable II (1993)

This film is based on a H.P. Lovecraft story, and is pretty much standard Necronomicon fare. Evil presences. Nasty creature. Haunted house. Nosey college students. In addition to the routine aspects, it has a major bonus. The monster is a composite of an evil spirit and a dead magician's daughter, which our heroes manage to separate into a naked Maria Ford, and a naked Julie Strain. A heavily made-up Strain was wonderful as the demon from hell. Casting Strain in this role was the smartest thing they did. She owned "bitch from Hell." Ford looked lovely, but they managed to keep most of her covered most of the time with long hair, and her character spoke at about the level of a 13-month-old.

Other than the nudity, the film succeeds or fails based on the make-up effects and gore levels, which were over the top, as they should have been. The plot is pretty much a throwaway. Many scenes went nowhere, and took way too long doing so. IMDb voters dislike it (4.1), and I tend to agree with the low score. This is a forgettable film other than the aforementioned nudity and an entertaining performance from Strain. It's a C- on our system.

Ford eventually shows breasts, buns, and the fact that she was wearing a modesty patch. Strain shows breasts and buns, but covered in make-up.

Julie Strain

Maria Ford






Belinda Gavin and Jamie Lynn in "Hollywood Sexcapades"


Today the old Time Machine travels back to 1992 for "Bound and Gagged: A Love Story," the tale of a woman kidnapped by another woman. Ginger Lynn Allen plays the victim. Ginger has a topless lovemaking scene with her husband and then winds up as the "Babe in Bondage." A lucky passerby helps himself to her boobs in the back seat of a car while her hands are tied.

Mary Ella Ross, tits in a sex scene.

Elizabeth Saltarrelli with some "down the night gown" scenes.



Hi Scoopy,

Mixed stuff this time from me under the general title "Randy behaviour from both old and young!"

 (Nothing shockingly new and hardly in the Christmas spirit, but ... fun.)


Stefania Casini has some fun with DeNiro and Depardieu , just before she goes epileptic

Debra Messing tries in vain to have fun in the closet with Gere

Sabine Timoteo looks like she's having fun with a dog.  (But not really)

Nicole Kidman has no fun at all with Skarsgard

Loredana Canatta sucks

and so does Carroll Baker

Draghixa seduces a man of god

Claudia Koll tempts more than one

A German beauty dries her hair

and prison chief Ron Jeremy abuses an inmate's wife (Dalila)






Linda Hayden: Blood of Satan's Claw  
Amanda Ryan: Metroland  
Amy Smart: Road Trip  
Cailin Stadnik: Wrong Number  
Romola Garai: Mary Bryant  
Allison Lange: SWF2  
Kristen Miller: SWF2  
Emily Blunt: My Summer of Love  

Natalie Press: My Summer of Love  
Ariel Kiley and Leslie Bega: The Sopranos  
Ginger Lynn Allen in The Devil's Rejects  
Kate Norby in The Devil's Rejects  
Sheri Moon Zombie in The Devil's Rejects  
The famous pics of Tiffani Amber Thiessen, from years and years ago, but this time in greatly improved quality.



Vanessa Nimmo and Shell Jubin from Big Brother UK  
Arielle Kebbel: Band Camp