The annual nude scene poll is closed. The winner and
the second place finisher won their respective positions by a mile.
Pictorial and numerical results will be posted on New Year's Day, as
Into the Blue (2005)
Sunken treasure, sharks, pirates, drug lords, police boats,
compressor gauges pointing to zero, women in skimpy clothing.
You know, the usual underwater adventure stuff.
Many critics assailed the performances in this
film, but I think the acting was misunderstood. All the actors in
this adventure were making use of a Stanislavsky system. You may not
be aware of it, but the great Russian acting teacher had more than
one acting system. Most of you are familiar with his dry land
method, but there is also an intricate Stanislavsky system for
acting underwater. Well, to be honest, Konstantin Stanislavsky
didn't really spend much time on the underwater version of the
system. He just sort of kicked it off and lent his name to it. It
was actually developed by his ne'er-do-well cousin, Sasha
Stanislavsky, who sold it door-to-door in Moscow with a network of
multi-level marketers. Sasha became incredibly rich, thanks to
Russia's boundless fascination with underwater histrionics. Just as
New Yorkers love their Shakespeare in the Park, there is nothing
Moscovites love more on a summer night than Pushkin in the Pool.
Lenin himself was torn between his desire for agrarian reform, and
his childhood dream of playing Alexander Nevsky in one of St.
Petersburg's famed glass-walled Drama Canals. And Trotsky's reported
assassination was merely a cover story to mask the fact that he
actually passed away trying to take a curtain call. Unprepared for a
particularly prolonged ovation for his Underwater Roskolnikov, he
surfaced too quickly and died from the bends.
At any rate, Into the Blue has a plot, but
it's pretty much what you'd expect. A poor-but-honest diver comes upon
a treasure trove of sunken delights, and then finds the wreckage of a
drug plane in the same vicinity. He can't file a salvage claim for the
ancient wreckage until he can identify a precise source of the
artifacts, and that will require time and patience. He won't be able
to file any claim at all if he reports the wrecked drug plane, because
"the place will be crawling with cops." So he compromises with his
less-scrupulous partner and their girlfriends. They decide to leave
the drug cache unreported until they can properly identify the ancient
wreck and secure their salvage rights. Unfortunately, there are four
people who know the location of a plane filled with enough cocaine.
Some of them develop loose lips while others just get too greedy.
None of that provides any real surprises. It's
your basic John Agar / Gilbert Roland movie updated with color
photography, a better background score, and a script adapted to modern
technology and pharmaceuticals. Better living through chemistry - and
I did find out something important from this
film. Movie sharks are just like movie dogs. They can sense evil, and
will only attack bad guys.
To tell you
the truth, Into the Blue is not an original thriller, and the second
half introduces too many tangential characters, but the film is not
without pleasures. There is some entertainment value residing in the
fact that it's a tale of two booties. Pirate booty. Jessica Alba's
booty. Maybe that should be a tail of two booties. Either
way, if you are interested in both the tale and the tail, Into the
Blue is watchable as a straightforward yarn filled with beautiful
young people in swimsuits. (Alba and Paul Walker - most beautiful
couple ever?) If you are interested in neither of those, skip it. If
you are somewhere in between, I have two words for you: fast
Roto-Rooter Lists Weirdest Items Found In Plumbing
- "a live Civil War cannon shell. It was believed to
be leftover from the 1863 siege of Vicksburg."
Donald Trump and Penis Patch - list of top 2005 junk mail
subjects (Note: AOL has reported that they blocked 80%
of all e-mail because it was spam - and they still missed
a ton of it! )
A clip from the new horror film, Tamara (opens
Victoria Silvstedt Bikini Mania!
Mrs. Partridge in Sex Romp in New Movie
311 Feature Films Eligible for 2005 Oscar
Two pictures from the set of the remake of The Wicker Man
What's the most unusual place you've ever had sex, Jenna
Conan O'Brien looks back on 2005.
The Oscar Warrior - Best Picture predictions
The first eight minutes of On the Outs -
- "On the Outs" is a dramatic narrative feature based
upon the real stories of girls from the streets and
juvenile jail, who lent their voices and unique stories
to the filmmakers. These are girls who struggle with all
the highs and lows of teenage life in an inner-city
world that makes its own rules. The film follows the
lives of three central characters from the same Jersey
City neighborhood: Oz, 17, is a tough drug dealer with
her own corner and the street's respect, who struggles
to keep her family intact. Suzette, the sheltered 15
year old daughter of a single mother, whose first
teenage crush has life changing repercussions, and
Marisol, 17, a single mother who fights both her own
demons and the uncompromising world of foster care to
keep her child.
Motorist beaten by Milwaukee mob after honking at them
The Simpsons spoof Requiem for a Dream
Here ya go ...
Parker and Longoria's police report from The Smoking Gun
- Eva Longoria is listed as 5'3", 130. I would have
thought more like 5'2", 110
Experiment - how to make communion wafers taste better
Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format.
Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.
Sex and a Girl (2001)
Sex and a Girl (2001) is a "coming of age" story about a High School girl
(Angela Gots) who has always dreamed of attending Julliard to become a
ballerina. Her hippy mother (Ellen Greene) also desperately wants this for
her, but her philandering father doesn't much care one way of the other. When
her father and mother split, and her first sexual experience with the captain
of the football team lasts about three seconds, she falls apart. Will her
dance teacher, played by Genevieve Bujold, be able to get her back on track?
This is a 6.0 at IMDb, and a C- on our scale. If you like the "coming of
age" genre, this one is OK. It's an easy watch full of colorful characters,
and is about far more than sex. The final message - that you are responsible
for your own happiness - is a good one.
Gots shows her breasts, barely, and Green shows buns, and a side view of a
breast. This could easily have had much more in the way of nudity.
The Unnamable II (1993)
This film is based on a H.P. Lovecraft story, and is pretty much
standard Necronomicon fare. Evil presences. Nasty creature. Haunted
house. Nosey college students. In addition to the routine aspects, it
has a major bonus. The monster is a composite of an evil spirit and a
dead magician's daughter, which our heroes manage to separate into a
naked Maria Ford, and a naked Julie Strain. A heavily made-up Strain
was wonderful as the demon from hell. Casting Strain in this role was
the smartest thing they did. She owned "bitch from Hell." Ford looked
lovely, but they managed to keep most of her covered most of the time
with long hair, and her character spoke at about the level of a
Other than the nudity, the film succeeds or fails based on the
make-up effects and gore levels, which were over the top, as they
should have been. The plot is pretty much a throwaway. Many scenes
went nowhere, and took way too long doing so. IMDb voters dislike it
(4.1), and I tend to agree with the low score. This is a forgettable
film other than the aforementioned nudity and an entertaining
performance from Strain. It's a C- on our system.
Ford eventually shows breasts, buns, and the fact that she was
wearing a modesty patch. Strain shows breasts and buns, but covered in
Mixed stuff this time from me under the general title "Randy behaviour
from both old and young!"
(Nothing shockingly new and hardly in the Christmas
spirit, but ... fun.)
Stefania Casini has some fun with DeNiro and Depardieu , just before she goes
Debra Messing tries in vain to have fun in the closet with Gere
Sabine Timoteo looks like she's having fun with a dog. (But not really)
Nicole Kidman has no fun at all with Skarsgard
Loredana Canatta sucks
and so does Carroll Baker
Draghixa seduces a man of god
Claudia Koll tempts more than one
A German beauty dries her hair
and prison chief Ron Jeremy abuses an inmate's wife (Dalila)