"Girl Camp 2004: Lesbian Fleshpots"
Girl Camp 2004: Lesbian Fleshpots is yet another Lloyd Simandl masterpiece from his North American Studios facility in Czechoslovakia. Again, it is a warehouse full of naked women held captive by an evil lesbian. This time she sells them in a live eBay type auction. Women, incidentally, seem to be worth between $10 and $35 grand each. We get to see two sets of slaves trained and then auctioned over the course of the film, 6 in each set. This includes a nude shower scene for each, being fondled by a female jailor, being rubbed all over with oil before the sale, and then being displayed back and front completely nude. Each of these twelve had a character name but none of them got a credit, because none of them had a line.
Tomorrow night, the identified women, and the rest of the review.
|Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
40 Years. For almost all of us born in the two decades between 1938 and
1958, it has been precisely 40 years since the most memorable day in our
I was 14 when the President was shot. To people who have only known the
vicious, ugly, cynical partisanship of post-Kennedy America, it is not
possible to understand the love shared between JFK and the country. We
sweated with him through the near extinction of the world during the
Cuban Missile Crisis. We watched his kids playing under the desk in the
Oval Office. We watched his press conferences for their entertainment
value. His favorite musical was Camelot, and he used King Arthur as a
metaphor for his own administration. He seemed so close to us, like a
member of the family, yet he was a king -
and a stand-up comedian - and a respected author - and a movie star.
Imagine the character Hugh Grant always plays in the movies. JFK was
really like that. And he was our President.
Frankly, if you're a stickler for technical accuracy, he wasn't that
great a President. As an international leader, he was Captain Kirk,
horny and reckless and headstrong, shooting first and thinking later.
His sexual habits made Bill Clinton look like a Buddhist monk. But all
of that didn't matter. If you were a kid like me, JFK was just like your
favorite uncle - youthful and fun to hang with. Women wished they could
be with JFK. Men wished they were JFK. Even his most conservative
opponent, Barry Goldwater, loved the guy. The rest of the world loved
him, too, and because he was our president, the world loved us.
Even Frank Fuckin' Sinatra, lord and master of all time and space, and
second coolest guy on the planet, just wanted to be seen with Jack and
bask in reflected glory, just wanted people to know Jack Kennedy was his
And then it was over. 40 years ago today.
And it's never been like that again.
Deadly Passion (1985)
Deadly Passion is the best Coburn movie.
Unfortunately, it is Harrison Coburn (right), James's son.
I don't know if I've ever seen anything
quite like this film. First,
imagine remaking Body Heat with no money. Then replace Bill Hurt
with a good looking guy with a flippant juvenile delivery, like
Potsie. Then replace Kathleen Turner with ...
well, I guess with Ingrid Boulting, the actual star, since I don't
know anybody else like her, with her plummy accent, her
wooden delivery, her moon-shaped face, her complete lack of acting
talent, and her constant chain-smoking. Boulting smokes so much in
this movie that she actually has a cigarette dangling from her lips,
Bogart-style, when she talks and even when she shoots a gun with two
hands. (See pictures at the scoopy.com page - linked below)
She was beautiful, however. Boulting
is the reason I watched this ersatz softcore turkey in the first
place. Earlier this week I watched the
noble failure, The Last Tycoon. The same Miss Boulting debuted in Tycoon,
then made only
one other film, many years later. This is it.
So there you have it. A softcore sex film with
Potsie starring opposite a chain-smoking South African Sally
It was not only Ingrid Boulting who closed her
career with this film. Director Larry Larson called this his first
and last film. Three of the first four people listed in the cast
never worked again.
The Deadly Passion curse.
As far as I know, this tape is not available
anywhere. These are made from a much-watched tape of indeterminate
generations. I couldn't watch the first five minutes at all because
of tape quality problems, but after that it was so-so. Not great
quality, but good enough to give us the general idea.
- Ingrid Boulting (1,
scoopy.com page (Pictures of Boulting chain-smoking, and
Harrison Coburn's strange neck)
To duplicate Mascara at home, take a
month's summary of the plot threads on Days of Our Lives. and
condense them to a 90 minute script. When you film the script on a
video camera, make
sure that all the sex scenes, and even some non-sex scenes, involve
plenty of nudity.
The story begins with the wedding of
one late twentyish woman (Lumi Cavazos), who is attended by her two
best friends (Amanda De Cadenet and Ione Skye). It then follows each
of their lives for the next fourteen months, weaving their stories
To give you the flavor of the entire
film, I'll summarize the life of the Ione Skye character. She's
having a live-in affair with an older man. His daughter comes to
live with them, and Ione suspects that there is something unhealthy
between the man and his daughter (insert organ chord). Because of
her suspicions, her commitment to the relationship wanes, and she
takes up with a sexy younger guy (organ chord). The older guy
catches her with the younger guy (very dramatic organ chord) and it
turns out that they are father and son (even more dramatic organ
chord). Before that little surprise, none of the three had
been aware of the connection.
Take that kind of material and
multiply it times three women, and that's Mascara.
To make it all even less engaging, many
scenes are shot with a hand-held camera, and the hand holding that camera
is dizzyingly unsteady. Finally, the director chose to do editing
techniques with the camera instead of in the editing room. For
example, in a two person conversation, instead of cutting from one
person to another, the unsteady camera moves back and forth
nauseatingly, in real time.
There is a good reason why this film submerged after
its brief theatrical trial in 1999, to resurface on video so many
years later. I thought perhaps that this
unwatchable mess could be justified by a certain chick-flick cachet,
but it turns out that the few women who have rated it at IMDb
despise it, scoring it 2.1/10 - a low enough score to make it the
13th worst movie of all time. Linda Kandel has not worked as a
writer or director since this film.
Avoid it if you want to see quality entertainment,
but by all means enjoy the nudity, which is plentiful, beautiful,
and often in excellent light.
- Ione Skye (1,
- Amanda De Cadenet (1,
UK lingerie giant chooses sexy (topless) model. With topless
Diaz's Tatas Spawn Trial
Aniston's Tatas settle suit
Stare Magazine's tribute to former Heffer Jill Scott
URL says it all: CatEnema.com Do NOT Try This at Home!
Man gets "spam rage" over penis enlargement ads.
Paris Hilton Tape - the official transcript
URL says it all: MulletMadness.com. "I am not afraid to lift
my Bud Light above my head and let my voice ring like a clarion
calling for 'Freebird'!"
Magnum PI, the movie, starring Clooney??
Bill Clinton's 21 Favorite Books, ranging from "A Version of
Sophocles' Philoctetes" to "Meter Maids in Bondage"
Somew of the official titles used by the ruler of North Korea.
Including "Walking Computer who surprises visitors", "World’s Best
Military Artist", and "Tim"
Van Halen News Desk: Doubts Emerge Over "Sammy Is Back" Rumour.
"Sammy has not told any of his band members that he plans to
rejoin Van Halen."
Antichrist identified with mathematical precision. OK, Ethan
Hawke is off the hook - for now.
Weekly World News: THE LOST City of Atlantis is not deep beneath
the ocean -- the ancient metropolis is buried under the sands of
the Sahara Desert!
ABCNEWS.com : Kennedy Assassination: Beyond Conspiracy. This
is a brilliant study, based on an exact computer recreation of
Dealey Plaza that day, medical evidence, the Zapruder film, six
other amateur films, and the "motorcycle tape".
Back to the NBA for the Memphis Grizzlies Dance Team
ABC's '8 Simple Rules' will welcome Joe Dirt.
Cox Cable is moving ESPN from basic cable to subscription - here
is ESPN's response.
Breathalyzer Test and Blood Alcohol Content - the drunkenness
Worst Album Covers Ever
This year's inductees in the Rock Hall of Fame.
Some pretty nifty scripting. Slothdog's Amazing Album Cover Finder
Russell Crowe as fucking surly as ever.
Federal authorities have opened an inquiry into how the New York
Post obtained a bootlegged copy of Mel Gibson's controversial
unreleased film 'The Passion of Christ.
Dark secrets of Jackos bedroom lair.
What if Michael Jackson had aged without plastic surgery?
Pals of Jay Penske say he's about to dump Lara Flynn Boyle - even
though she had his name tattooed on her back
Seven ways to win an Oscar!
archives. May also include newer material than the ones above,
since it's sorta in real time.
to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap
are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
'Caps and comments by Dann:
"Down and Out with the Dolls"
This 2001 indy comedy is a classic example of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. A rising all-girl rock band manages to turn success into disaster when they move in together to concentrate of their newfound popularity.
Set in Portland, Oregon, it's a well done story with some great rock music and some cool insight into the music business, and people in general. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Today, Flautista pays tribute to long time Fun House favorite, Kari Wuhrer.
- Kari showing off her old robo-hooters great 'caps from "An Occasional Hell" (1996).
- Kari only teasing us this time with her robo-cleavage. Vidcaps from "Red Blooded American Girl II" aka "Hit & Run" (1997)
||The starlet from "The O.C." not nude, but looking pretty cute in a bubble bath scene from the 2001 movie "Tart".
|Señor Skin 'caps of both ladies topless and showing a little bit of bum in scenes from the straight-to-vid flick "Ladykiller" (1996).
|Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow...
BAD MOVIES DRIVE SHARIFF INTO RETIREMENT
They Pay For His Gambling - Omar Shariff said that "The 13th Warrior," a
1999 movie he made with Antonio Banderas, was so bad, it convinced him to
retire from movies. He said it's humiliating and terrifying to have to do
bad dialogue for a director who doesn't know what he's doing "in a film so
bad that it is not even worth exploring." He said he told himself, "Let us
stop this nonsense, these meal tickets that we do because it pays well."
He said he's only now returned to movies because he found a "stupendous"
script that he loved.
It's called "Meatballs 5!"
"The 12th Warrior" was still pretty good, but the 13th was one sequel
If I were him, I would've retired from movies before I had to kiss
Barbra Streisand in "Funny Girl."
PARIS HILTON TOO EMBARRASSED TO WALK STREETS
So Take A Limo - Model/socialite Paris Hilton may be developing a sense of
shame. She canceled a much-promoted guest shot on David Letterman's show,
and she told US Weekly that she's actually reconsidering her party girl
lifestyle. She said, "I can't walk the streets, it's too embarrassing,"
and that she can't even stand to watch the sex tape she made with ex-lover,
It makes her look SO fat!
If Paris Hilton can't walk the streets, then she really will have to
change her lifestyle.
But walking the streets was the one profession she's actually suited
She's either developing a sense of shame, or genital warts.
WIDOW PUTS HUSBAND'S ASHES IN HER BREASTS
Her Bust Is Now Heavenly - In a story headlined, "Dust To Bust," the Daily
Star reports that Sandi Canesco, 26, of Sydney, Australia, became a widow
when her husband was killed in a car accident. But she said it dawned on
her that there was a way she'd never have to part with him because they'd
be one and the same. So she had him cremated and had his ashes placed
inside her breast implants.
He must've been a very large man.
And now, he's in a much better place.
Of course, if she remarries, he'll always come between her and her new
This is a perfect idea for Anna Nicole Smith: every time another elderly
husband dies, her breasts would get bigger.
Now, this is a clever review of "The Cat in the Hat"...
THE CAT IN THE HAT (Grade: F)
Movie Review By CHRIS VOGNAR (with apologies to Dr. Seuss)/The Dallas Morning News
There once was a book called The Cat in the Hat.
You've probably read it, and loved it at that.
But now it's a film
And boy, is it rank,
Made just to put cash
In the studio's bank.
Mike Myers does shtick as the big feline friend
And after 10 minutes you'll want it to end.
He prances and dances
And mugs without shame.
If you've had a root canal,
The effect is the same.
His kitty goes wild
In a big, furry suit
But the tie-ins and toys
Should make Mike some loot.
The puns are so bad that
You might want to flee
But it might be your thing
If you have A.D.D.
The kids, they might like it,
Some may chortle, "Tee-hee."
The rest can stay home
It's rated PG.
The good Doctor's verse
Has all but been slayed.
If you pay to get in
You should know you've been played
By this crude and repetitive serving of dreck.
You'd best tell the kids that
This Cat ain't no Shrek.
It's all art-directed
To the nth degree.
For enduring this mess
They should pay us a fee.
Alec Baldwin shows up
And hams it up bad.
It's supposed to be funny,
But it's really just sad
That an actor of Baldwin's
Makes a fool of himself
Just to pay a few bills.
You can look long and hard
In search of a plot
But please be forewarned:
The writing is rot.
The Mom is now single,
To work she must go.
The script must be hip
And so modern,
It's fast and it's zany.
It casts a bright pall.
But that is not all.
That is not all.
The colors are garish,
Non sequiturs fly.
The story goes nowhere.
Oh, why did they try
To mess with a classic
Adored far and wide?
By this cheap imitation
You must not abide.
What other Seuss works
Might next be attacked?
Is Green Eggs and Ham
On the desk of some hack?
Will Yertle the Turtle
Be the next one to fall?
These Hollywood types,
They sure have some gall.
At least it is short.
But oh, no, that's wrong!
Should not seem this long!
They stretched out the book,
They made it inane,
They larded it up,
Oh, how could they deign
To lead the Cat so far
Astray from its source?
If your eyes do stay open
It'll be by sheer force.
You'll look at your watch,
You'll twiddle your thumbs,
You might feel queasy,
You might need some Tums.
The book's charm is gone
And so is its grace.
This Cat in the Hat
Really stinks up the place.
This film should not be here.
It should not be about.
Nor would it exist
Without marketing clout.