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"The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover" (1989)

The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover (1989) is as big a boon to video cappers as Sirens. Helen Mirren is starkers through much of the film. Couple that with the fact that it is a Greenaway film, and life does not get much better. Greenaway is the poster boy for artistic integrity. He makes exactly the film he wants to make, and really doesn't care if anyone sees it or not. While his obsession with death, rot and decay may turn off some people, you have to appreciate his technical and artistic ability. Scoopy has given the plot in his review, and talked about the fact that it is an allegory of England at the time. I enjoy it for the genius of it's imagery. The hallway of the restaurant is lit in red, while the bathroom off the hallway is stark white. Whenever the door is opened while we are in the bathroom, a pink glow comes across the room.

As regular readers know, I have been having hardware troubles lately, which, thank God, appear to be over. One of the results of the hardware problems was that I watched this film several times trying to cap it, and it got better each time. Here are the lessons learned from the hardware problems.

1) Intermittent memory is a REAL BITCH
2) Cheap motherboards are NOT a bargain
3) Yes, it is possible to get two bad DVDROM drives in a row
4) Do not skimp on graphics cards.

Rent this movie and watch it. If you like it, you will also like "A Zed and Two Noughts," "Pillow Book," and other Greenaway films. IF you don't enjoy it, at least you have some good nudity as a legacy from his films.

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  • Helen Mirren (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
  • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    A worthwhile link: Movie Mistakes. This is a cool site to bookmark. They don't do anything except catalogue and debate factual inaccuracies in the movies.


    I looked at The Unbelievable Truth (no nudity). An offbeat look at small town America through the eyes of Hal Hartley, a kind of David Lynch meets Samuel Beckett.

    I looked at Blue Sky. A character study of a military family in crisis, featuring Jessica Lange's breasts. (The review is Tuna's. I pretty much agree, and don't really have anything worthwhile to add).

    • Jessica Lange (1, 2)

    The Insider

    Insider sent over a tip on some of Ken Marcus' new stuff (with Ken's permission). Ken is a great photog who has worked for every major girlie mag including the rabbit oriented one - this is some outre new material, really beautiful photography, really unusual concept - Shauna O'Brien getting wrapped up in some crazy bondage costume. Anyway, here's a sample. You can find about 30 in this series, and all of Ken's work at

    Shauna O'Brien (1, 2)


    Kasia Figura, part 2

    • in "Hollywood" (1, 2)
    • various (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    Pets on parade...

    Ahh a match made in heaven: Pets of the Penthouse variety and adult videos. Dozens of Pets have done the nasty on screen; some were stars of the boff screen before posing, others used the pages of Penthouse as a stepping stone (as if it were a long climb for any decent-looking woman into that particular industry). Got five of em today. That's right five. And we ain't talking about no one-hit wonders or those who do girls only.... them we will get to in good time. Nope, these ladies were or continue to be stars of multi-million dollar productions of the finest reproductive quality. First off is Jennifer James, Pet o' the month in Oct '85. Took the name Angel whilst copulating on screen.

  • Jennifer James (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Next up is Racquel Darian, who was Pet for the month of Oct '90, when she posed as Kelly Jackson. The adult movie database indicates she boffed her boyfriend in most movies but took on a few other guys as time went on. Apparently, a couple of them at the same time, if the scans are any indication.

  • Racquel Darian (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    And then there was Dyanna Lauren. You probably noticed most porn-Pets grow robohooters somewhere along the way. Some are super-sized beyond all reason, which is a situation you usually find only in these kinds of movies, which I suppose makes them pornohooters. Anyway, Dyanna seems to have had a loong career in the business, particularly since the careers of most pornstars can be measured with a stopwatch.

  • Dyanna Lauren (1, 2, 3)

    Appearing the December '95 issue was Nikki Tyler. Judging by the number of magazines we get through the shop with Nikki showing off for the gyno cam, she might go entire weeks without putting on clothes. This is a terrific case of a person using her talents to the greatest benefit of all concerned: she gets paid, the magazines sell and we, the viewing public don't mind one little bit.

  • Nikki Tyler (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    We end the Pet parade for the day with Lexus Locklear, monthly person of the Pet variety in May '96. No doubt she is closely related to Heather Locklear... no doubt at all. Lexus started out cute as can be and then had robo-hooters factory installed; still a right nice face but destroyed like the environment in Dubya's administration is that wondrous body. You know I was hoping Dubya would find something in Florida, such as the Everglades or Key West or the Gulf Coast, something like that to seriously trash just to say thanks to all them Nader geeks who made all this possible. Thank yew, thank yew, one and all. Dipshits. (That's Dubya talking, not me. Okay?) Oh, sorry, where was I? Lexus appears be rather prissy for the business she is in.. that is if the IAMDB can be trusted: none of the usual kinky stuff in her acting repertoire.

  • Lexus Locklear (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

  • Oz
    "Bloody Foreigners"
    Bloody Foreigners is a British documentary-style program. I haven't yet worked out who the 'Bloody Foreigners' are but the show is good for a bit of nudity. They had a film crew present whilst Jordan was doing a photo shoot for a page 3 spread in a British newspaper. Nice.
  • Jordan (1, 2, 3)

    "Summer of Sam"
    Some of these caps have appeared before but I thought some of them needed a rerun, especially those of Bebe Neuwirth. This Spike Lee movie is set in New York when the Son of Sam serial killer is doing his worst and looks at the effect on the lives of the main characters. The topless nudity is by Patti LuPone, although some unnamed characters got their clothes off during an orgy. Jennifer Esposito and Bebe show some nice pokies and Mira Sorvino always looks nice.

  • Bebe Neuwirth (1, 2)
  • Mira Sorvino (1, 2, 3)
  • Jennifer Esposito
  • Patti LuPone
  • Assorted orgy babes

    "Teenage Catgirls in Heat"
    With a movie titled Teenage Catgirls in Heat you'd hope there would be a lot of lovely naked ladies. Unfortunately, there was not enough and there were too many night shots. The movie is a Troma shocker and is about cats that turn into young women, naked naturally. Unfortunately for the men their lovemaking is more like a spider's and the men tend to die afterwards.

    I can't guarantee the names of the actresses. I wasn't going to watch the movie again to make sure the names were correct. Lisa 'Rae' Moore, Melissa Engquist, Robin Biggs, Nancy Vanhoozer all show topless nudity. There is also a collage of unnamed actresses. Carrie Vanstan plays the main character.

  • Carrie Vanstan
  • Lisa 'Rae' Moore
  • Melissa Engquist
  • Robin Biggs
  • Nancy Vanhoozer
  • Assorted Catgirls in heat

    "Dog Park"
    Kristin Lehman is one of the main stars in Dog Park, which is described as a 'quirky Canadian comedy'. That just about sums it up. The out-of-focus butt shots could be a body double but the pokies are definitely not.

  • Kristin Lehman (1, 2)

    "The Great Bank Robbery"
    You won't see a lot of nudity in an enjoyable 1969 movie called The Great Bank Robbery but Kim Novak does her best. Her Lady Godiva act also shows that 'McBeal-type' bean poles weren't in vogue back then. If only it was filled in Autumn...

  • Kim Novak (1, 2)

    "Lucky Day"
    I keep looking at these caps trying to decide exactly how much nudity is showing here. I can't decide and you'll have to look at them yourself to see a very sexy Amy Madigan.

  • Amy Madigan

    This is another sad movie set in the Balkans. In Savior, Natasa Ninkovic plays a Muslim woman who is raped by Serbs and becomes pregnant. She keeps the baby but the trauma leaves her unable to produce milk for it. That is the background to the caps. A very sad and disturbing movie, and fairly relevant given what is happen at the moment to Milosevic.

  • Natasa Ninkovic

    "The House of Usher"
    No nudity, however, Romy is getting ready for some serious sex.

  • Romy Windsor

    "Blame it on the Bellboy"
    An enjoyable movie set in Venice. There is no nudity, just some seriously sexy pokey action from Patsy's pre-implant days.

  • Patsy Kensit (1, 2)

    "A Mind to Kill"
    Hardly worth capping, but you have a nude body on the autopsy table in an episode of the Welsh detective series A Mind to Kill.

  • Unknown

    "For Better of for Worse"
    These are very mild given what Kim has shown in other performances. Just some brief pokey and see-through action after the baddies tried to drown her by tying her to a weight and throwing her into the sea from this enjoyable movie.

  • Kim Cattrall (1, 2)

  • KZ
    Cinthia Moura

    Susan Holmes
    (1, 2)

    Ava Martinez

    Holly McGuire and Jo Hicks

    An excellent assortment of ladies posing topless fresh off the newsstand.

    and ...
    Dana Plato Breast exposure from one of her last photo shoots. Courtesy of Celebrity Sleuth, by way of PicCap.

    Tane McClure Excellent views of her robo-hooters from "Bare Deception". Vidcaps by Donbun.

    Charlize Theron Scorpion takes a little break from the the world of obscure B movies and 70's porn to bring us these topless 'caps of Charlize in "Reindeer Games". Nice job!

    Saira Todd Topless and frontal nudity from "Holding On", by Watty.

    Sandra Speichert
    (1, 2, 3)

    Topless, rear and full frontal nudity from "Profil bas" (1994), by Miaou.

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