Body Shots (1999) is compared by many to Roshamon, where 4 separate observers see the same act, but tell very different versions of the story based on their own prejudices and perceptions. This classic has been remade many times -- the one I recall off-hand is "The Outrage" which was very faithful to the story line, but changed the setting to the American west. While it has been a long time since I watched either film, I recall the theme being that there is really no way to know the truth, as each man's truth is subjective rather than objective.

Body Shots does show the story from two sides, but is not really about subjective reality at all. The theme of this film has more to do with gender problems and dating in the 90s, date rape, and the effect of diminished capacity due to drink or drugs on someone's credibility. We follow four women and four men, all Yuppies, through a Friday evening, where they party hardy, then pair up. Dating has about vanished, and girlfriends go out to a club in a group, guys do the same thing. The aim is to get wasted, have fun, and try to get lucky. The conflict occurs when one of the women (Tara Reid) claims one of the men (Jerry O'Connell, a pro football star) raped her. When pressed, we find both of them very unreliable witnesses. She has a history of alcohol induced blackouts, and he admits that he was too wasted to remember what really happened.

While the main plot line was interesting, the backdrop was nearly as interesting, as we learn much about the views and actions of the 20-somethings. Topics include oral sex, bondage, intimacy, and emotionless sex. It is also interesting that Tara's girlfriends don't necessarily side with her because of her history when drunk, and O'Connell's buddies admit that they think he is capable of rape. The film has a real edge, due to subject, odd camera angles, and driving music. The biggest flaw, for me, was that all of the characters were shallow, self-centered and immature -- it is hard to enjoy a film when you dislike all of the players, but this one held my interest start to finish. We have breasts from Emily Proctor in a B&D costume, and tons of breast exposure from Tara Reid as the raped woman. As I looked through reviews after writing this, I noticed a curious thing. Everyone interpreted it differently. Berardinelli saw it as being about date rape and dating in the 90's, Ebert thought it was about alcoholism, and so on. It somewhat proves one of the themes of the film, that the whole love/sex/dating thing can be very confusing and difficult to figure out for everyone.

IMDB readers have this at 4.8 of 10. Critics were not impressed, with 22% positive at Rotten Tomatoes. US gross was $700K. This was a rewatch for me, and it was not better the second time through. As a matter of fact, I ended up fast forwarding through much of it. I did, however, look at the 4/3 version as well as the widescreen this time through, and the 4/3 is a better bet overall for the nudity, but the widescreen is more artistically composed. Images come from both versions. The camera work that struck me as original the first time was merely distracting now, and reacquainting myself with these people reminded me of the Maurice Chevalier song from Gigi, "I'm Glad I'm not Young Anymore." If this is what being young and single is like now, they are welcome to it. C-.

Under Suspicion (1992)

If you have a taste for the British type of whodunit, this is one of the better ones, although it is now nearly forgotten. There's lots of unique atmosphere, because the film takes place in Brighton during the week between Christmas and New Year's Eve, 1959. There is nothing quite so seedy and desolate as Brighton in the off-season, with its deserted beaches and spooky run-down Art Nouveau buildings.

Under Suspicion wasn't an important movie, and it generated almost no box office in the USA, but it was quite an entertaining one, and one of the very few movies in which the surprise ending is actually worth waiting for.

Anyway, you have to love a film with some exposure from Laura San Giacomo, who has very large breasts and rarely shows much of them.

There was something fairly creepy and vaguely pedophilic about the relationship between Liam Neeson and Laura San Giacomo. For one thing, the chemistry between them wasn't very convincing at all. Neither of them is the type to ignite a scene with fiery passion or unguarded emotions, but that wasn't the creepy part, which would be the size difference between them. It looked like Neeson was trying to seduce a second grader. (Neeson is 6'4" and looks taller. San Giacomo is generously listed at 5'2".)

The film is a C by our standards. If you like sexy film noir whodunits dripping with atmosphere, this is a very solid one. Strong on plot, strong on atmosphere, but weaker on characterization and passion. 6.2 at IMDb

• Maggie O'Neill
• Laura San Giacomo (1, 2)
• Giacomo and Neeson together (clothed, showing the height difference)

Once Bitten (1992)

Let's see.  Lauren Hutton plays a female vampire who must drink the blood of virgins to stay young. Jim Carrey plays a high school kid who is a virgin because his steady girlfriend wants to wait.

The sexy Hutton wins the horny Carrey over, and must "convert" Carrey to a vampire over several sessions, thereby causing him to change gradually. Carrey wins the "best costume" award at his Halloween dance, even though he's not wearing a costume. His friends notice that his hair is getting slicked back and oily, but they think he has been bitten by Jerry Lewis.

I guess you can figure that the girlfriend has to save Carrey by putting out, thus stealing his virginity and making him unacceptable to the vampire's sensitive taste buds. (She's the Juan Valdez of vampires.)

Carrey was kind of innocent and charming, and he showed off his unique dancing style in a role which foreshadowed Stanley Ipkiss in The Mask, but he was not yet very funny. Hutton looked every bit of the 400 years old she was supposed to be. Bottom line: you probably don't want to watch this movie. It's a D by our standards. A tepid would-be 80s sex comedy that basically has no sex or comedy. - 4.7 at IMDb. A vampire comedy with no bite, so to speak.

• Lauren Hutton (no nudity, but about 80% of her butt)

OTHER CRAP:

• After five hours of drinking, Sadie Frost fell out of her bikini top in public. It gets better. What could be better than that? She then fell out of her bottom! Needless to say, The Sun has the pics. By the way, Sadie is 37, her boyfriend 22. You go, girl.

• Miss Nude Australia - Galleries of the last four years of competition

• The Globe says our favorite mouseketeer loves lesbian porn

• ESPN.com - Page2 - What's hot, what's not in the NFL

• The duct tape bikini contest

• Sex scenes to be cut for US release of Bertolucci's film: "Graphic sex scenes in Italian director Bernardo Bertolucci's new film 'The Dreamers' will likely be cut out of the movie before it can be viewed by US audiences, the director revealed."

• Tears as Emma Thompson comeback bombs

• Summer's hits and misses in the movie biz

• Turns out there was no war on terror. It was just a misunderstanding caused by the President's gosh durned Texas accent. He actually meant that he was declaring war on TERRIER!

• Weekly World News: "WHEN a UFO crashed on a Nevada road in the dead of night, a hard-nosed highway patrolman determined that the alien pilot was intoxicated -- and slapped the E.T. under arrest for DUI!"

• Which actor made the most money in 2001? Tom Cruise? Jack Nicholson? Na!: Adam Sandler's 2001 haul was $49.5 million

• The BetOnSports.com website is currently offering odds on whether the girls in the pseudo-lesbian Russian pop group Tatu will bare their bods this year. The current odds are 5 to 1 that Tatu will strip naked for 'Penthouse' by the end of the year.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

Mailbox:

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PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

Link goes to (where else) TalkLikeAPirate.com - now with new English-to-Pirate instant translator

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Madeleine Stowe, topless in scenes from "Blink" (1994).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Some Canadian actresses...

Wes Craven Presents: They (2002)
Laura Regan who was recently cast in the upcoming tv movie "Saving Jessica Lynch" gets as naked as she ever will be although an obvious body double was used in the last two frames.

• Laura Regan: cleavage, underwear, partial breast, then bodydub.

My Little Eye(2002)
Another movie with Laura Regan although only released in Europe. Her best scene was in the hottub found in the deleted section of the DVD.

• Laura Regan: slight pokies, hottub scene, another bodydub.

Dark Side aka Darkness Falling (2002)
Janet Kidder has three shower scenes in this movie. A record for a non-exploitation film.

• Janet Kidder: boobs and butt.

American Psycho (2000)
A popular rental in Canada these days because it has Krista Sutton from the Train 48 tv series in a hot threesome.

• Krista Sutton: boobs and butt.

Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002) (V)
Sarah-Jane Redmond from the tv series Alienated wearing bra and panties in a rough sex scene. I heard she has a hot love scene with Lance Henriksen in "The Invitation" which hasn't been released to video or cable yet.

• Sarah-Jane Redmond: underwear.

Horsey (1997)
A Canadian Trainspottng type film about a bisexual nymphomaniac played by Holly Ferguson. Despite this movie being unrated and Holly half naked on the cover there is no nudity.

• Holly Ferguson: underwear.
• Victoria Deschanel: underwear having lesbian kiss with Holly.

Common Ground (2000) (TV)
Kim Schraner from Paradise Falls has a lesbian love scene with bit actress Shannon Barrett in this Showtime movie.

• Kim Schraner: partial breast.

"Conan the Barbarian"

Orphaned by an evil warlord, the child grows into a warrior who seeks his revenge. A great actioner well known as an early Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle.

Thoroughly enjoyable for the action and fight scenes, and with quite a bit of nudity, but the DVD quality of this 1982 movie is disappointing. My guess is the master is in bad shape.

• Sandahl Bergman, topless and partial rear nudity in a love scene with the Governator.
• Assorted other topless babes

It's a U.S. national holiday, so ya know what that means. It's a Hefmate and Pet of the Silver Screen update!

First, some blather. From its beginning, the Chicago-based publication has sold itself as the vehicle for gals to break into Hollywood or to resurrect careers that were in the negative-slope region of the graph. So, just about every Hefmate talks about making this movie or that tv show.

By one standard, the party line has some truth to it. Of the more than 600 women who have been Hefmates, more than 200 have done something on the big or small screen. More relevant to my fellow readers of the Funhouse, 135 have given up some goodies whilst on screen.

Now, the problem is this: most Heffers have had very minor roles, often in no more than one or two movies. Again, of interest to us boys, almost half these women who have disrobed on screen, did so only once. Yikes! What a frigging waste.

There have been some remarkable trends, captured by the Heffers of today's edition.

When the mag started, seven women in the years 1954 and 1955 did some movie work. JoAnne Arnold (May 1954) and Neva Gilbert (July 1954) each did a couple of movies but neither disrobed at all. Not one little bit. And, to their own and probably Hef's consternation, their careers ended the year they appeared as centerfolds.

So, anyway, that means Arline Hunter (August 1954) is the first Heffer for whom there is undeniable evidence of on-screen nudity. These are caps Tuna sent me from a DVD that included a short nudie clip. The clip has been marketed as a Marilyn Monroe nudie, but it is Arline in her B & W glory. Entitled "The Apple Knockers and the Coke", the short is in great shape and Tuna capped it beautifully.

• Arline Hunter (1, 2, 3)

Then the Hefmag went through a long dry spell, interrupted only by Jayne Mansfield (Feb. '55). A couple others, including long-time nude model-Hefmate Marguerite Empey (May '55) made movies with promising titles but I have not been able to find 'em, so I just don't know. So you have to go all the way to May '66 Hefmate, Dolly Read, to find the next definitive Heffer who gave up the goodies in 1970's Beyond the Valley of the Dolls. 1966 saw two others, Susan Denberg and Sue Bernard, also appear topless in at least one movie.

From there you get one or two Hefmates a year appearing on screen in some state of undress. Claudia Jennings (Nov '69) made a career of being the gal a director would come to for a B-movie nude scene. Yet, when she died so did this simple concept. Best example? Crystal Smith (Miss Jan 1971) waited 13 years to go starkers in Hot Dog...The Movie. The years had been very good to her, however, and since it was her only nude scene, I capped the living bejeebers out of it. IMHO, she is absolutely perfect.

• Crystal Smith (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Through the rest of the 70's the trend remains unchanged and unchallenged. Three of four Heffers make a few movies, two show some skin.

In 1974, it was Jean Manson (who has shown up in the Funhouse a time or two) and Sandy Johnson (Miss May '74). Sandy had topless scenes in four movies, including the original Halloween. Her best exposure was in H.O.T.S., whence cometh these caps.

In her best scene, Sandy sunbathes topless, as a hot-air balloon floats overhead. The first collage shows her sunbathing and her reaction to the balloon. The second shows her face and boobs being splattered with white sticky stuff. Sure, I know its only shaving cream, but I don't have to be Sigmund Frigging Freud to figure out what the director was trying to do.

• Sandy Johnson (1, 2)

Two other 70's Hefmates were also in HOTS.

They are Susan Lynn Kiger, the only one of these 600 gals to do porno prior to posing, and Pamela Jean Bryant. Pamela Jean had quite a career by early Hefmate standards. Several movies, guest spots on the small screen... not bad at all.

• Susan Lynn Kiger (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Pamela Jean Bryant

Then in the 80's something happened. It was 1981. November, '81, to be precise. And what happened was Shannon Tweed. The year before, 5 Hefmates had nude scenes of one sort or another, but only two appeared in more than a single production. Shannon has made several dozen movies, has been in at least a dozen tv shows and has give up the goodies in 30 films. She took up where Claudia Jennings had left off 12 years earlier.

One of the first films in which she appeared sans clothes was Hot Dog... The Movie. She was in her early 20's, all natural and flat-out wonderful.

• Shannon Tweed (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

One of the last movies Shannon has made in which she appeared unclothed is The Rowdy Girls. She had gotten bigger with age, but was damn righteous anyway. A real MILF.

• Shannon Tweed (1, 2)

In the years between Hot Dog and Rowdy Girls, things got a lot better for Hefmates in Hollywood, and then they seem to have gotten a lot worse. Pamela Anderson showed up in 1990, Jenny McCarthy in '93, and there were years when 10 of the 12 Heffers made at least one movie.

For several years in the 80's and early 90's six Hefmates had nude scenes. The lowest point was 1993, when Carrie Westcott was one of only two Heffers to do so. Carrie started out as a real cutie and then, inexplicably, decided to be voluptous. That required installation of factory-built equipment. Here is the enhanced Carrie in a video entitled, "Luscious Liquids." Fairly explicit triple-B performance by Hefmate standards.

• Carrie Westcott (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

The high point was 1987-88, when 22 of the 24 centerfolds showed up on screen, 11 of them without clothes. In that batch are Daphnee Duplaix (July '97) and Deana Brooks (May '95). Daphnee has done several movies and appeared briefly topless in Foolish. Deanna co-starred with Shannon Tweed and posed nude in an aptly-named video, Naked and Naughty.

• Daphnee Duplaix

• Deanna Brooks in "Rowdy Girls" (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Deana Brooks in "Naked and Naughty" (1, 2, 3)

The only recent Hefmate to make more than a couple of movies is Katie Lohmann (April '01). She's been in 15 movies, once as an uncredited dancer (Darkwolf), but she continues to work and keeps on showing her stuff. She slips out of her birthday suit and into a bikini in Sex Court-The Movie for the ninth nude scene here at the Funhouse.

• Katie Lohmann

So what's killed off the migration from the Hefmag to Hollywood in the past few years? Me thinks its the explosion of the internet and the advent of DVDs. Several Hefmates have their own websites, which I assume are profitable, and many of them have posed for on-line magazines. Two have even made the transition from Hefmates to Pets, and from there to borderline adult movies. But that's a story for tomorrow.

Here's a concept only the British would think up... Clooney awarded sexiest sexless movie moment title