What a wonderful treat it was to watch this
movie.
As you know, I love bad movies and this one is
truly bad. Not brain-dead bad like Last Days of Disco or 200 Cigarettes,
but fun bad, so bad you can't believe they were serious, like Plan 9
From Outer Space.
I loved every minute of this thing, and I
couldn't take my eyes off it. The acting can't be believed, the art
direction and f/x are atrocious, the plot makes no sense, every
character is a cliché, there is no continuity, they made up their own
science when they needed it for the plot, the music sucks, and the
dialogue is about as bad as any movie ever written. Even the credits are
bad, because they are bright green against a bright orange desert
landscape.
In other words, this movie is great!
It's the future, after the ecological disaster,
and people can't go out into the sun. Balthazar "I'm Not Charlie Sheen"
Getty is the star, and he plays a kid who is having some trouble fitting
into his new community.
He has some problems at home with his parents,
too. His mom is a hippie space cadet with a Ph.D. in microbiology, and
his father is a house. I'm not making this up. His dad is a genius
scientist who has determined a way to accelerate evolution a billion
years, and now exists as disembodied atoms. He has become one with
nature, and has joined with the atoms in the house to create a living
habitat for his family, safe from the ecological disaster outside. You
think the kids made fun of you because your dad had an accent? Imagine
what they'd say if your dad was a suburban 3/2 without one single good
walk-in closet.
Balty is a mutant, which seems like it should
be expected from the offspring of an eternally stoned woman and a split
level ranch house. Because of his unique genes, he alone among all the
people of earth can go outside in the sunlight. Perhaps he inherited his
dad's aluminum siding.
He's also a potato. We know this because Laura
Harris says to him, "Remember when our science teacher told us that the
Irish potato famine coul have been avoided if there was just one
external strain of potato that could have been introduced to strengthen
the native crop? Well, the human race is the same way, and you're that
potato, aren't you?"
Back to Balty's troubles in the community. The
local phys ed teacher is a bully and a fundamentalist Christian fanatic
who finds it difficult to relate to a kid whose mom is a half-naked
stoned hippie and whose dad has shingles and a porch. So he and the
local youth bullies kick the crap out of Balty and tie him out in the
sun to die, unaware of his mutant powers. When Balty simply returns with
a nice tan, the phys ed teacher then assumes he is some kind of satanic
avatar.
Oh, yeah, the girlfriend of the head local
bully falls in love with Balty and, by the way, the phys ed teacher is
her dad. Small world.
Finally Balty defeats the bullies, aided by his
once-pacifist friend who bops the head bully with a log. Balty's dad
defeats and kills a bunch of people who are trying to destroy him,
including the coach. Dad then figures out a way to give the magical
sun-immune powers to the girlfriend and she decides that she and Balty
will "wander the earth" together. She doesn't seem too upset about her
own dad's death. Then Balty's dad figures out a way to turn Balty's mom
into pure energy, and together they float off into the ionosphere. Balty
and his girl look up to the heavens and wave, and the girlfriend says
"bye". This really cracked me up more than anything else in the movie.
"Bye, disembodied atoms, I'm really gonna miss you, even though we've
never actually met, and you don't actually have any ears to hear me or
eyes to see my wave."
Great, great movie. I don't know if any of you
like to toke it up once in a while, and I certainly would not advise you
to engage in any illegal activities. But if you do like an occasional
doobie, I strongly suggest you rent this before firing up your next one.
You can't go wrong, except you might die from giggling.
